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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The Only Good Troll is a Dead Troll Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Only Good Troll is a Dead Troll  (currently 278 views)
Don
Posted: November 4th, 2019, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Only Good Troll is a Dead Troll by Ahimsa Kerp - Horror - When a thawing glacier unleashes a horrible monster of antiquity, three wannabe Vikings try to save their town by battling the monster the old fashioned way, with axes, swords, and Viking helmets.  82 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 6th, 2019, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hello,

the logline is almost an A in my eyes. Super in genre, with a perfect page count for a short all-hell-breaks-loose-horror-flick. I only don't get if they are true Vikings from the true Vikings era or if it's just irony and the script is set in today's world. I unfortunately tend to the later interpretation by far -- while the former real Vikings ?early period? interpretation reads damn f***** intriguing to me and it would be the flick I prefer. Vikings against monsters from out of the damn glacier -- say whaaaat, you know - say what....

The title reads quite weak imo. It sounds sooo ironic, almost satiric, completely comedic... and just insecure. Man, horror originally is to the bones for me - not sure what you think... The problems here are connected to the logline, I think; even when I say that I truly bite your logline-- there's still a bitter taste when connecting it to this title on top. The title is just a pure 'no'. I can't say it differently.

Good luck.



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Andrew
Posted: November 6th, 2019, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Agreed. That's a strong logline.

I kinda like the title, though.

It stands out, and whilst I don't really know what it means in the context of this story, it piques my interest. I can see that name on a billboard.

But that might just be me!

I'll try and get through this script if the author is around?


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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 6th, 2019, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Andrew

I kinda like the title, though.

It stands out, and whilst I don't really know what it means in the context of this story, it piques my interest. I can see that name on a billboard.


Interesting view, Andrew. Perhaps I'm too strict with typical genre restrictions and such.

To me the title is just too long from the go and the irony foreshadows that the trolls/bad guys have no true chance or better said, with the ironic touch, it weakens the stakes of the dead or alive game.

Soo, I'd bet for a slasher with a wide comedic angle. I may take a look at the page as well if I find some more time.  



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Andrew
Posted: November 6th, 2019, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PrussianMosby


Interesting view, Andrew. Perhaps I'm too strict with typical genre restrictions and such.

To me the title is just too long from the go and the irony foreshadows that the trolls/bad guys have no true chance or better said, with the ironic touch, it weakens the stakes of the dead or alive game.

Soo, I'd bet for a slasher with a wide comedic angle. I may take a look at the page as well if I find some more time.  


Hey, likewise. Enjoyed your write-up.

Not sure why, but when I see this title it makes me think "Scott Plilgrim vs The World". I just envisage a similarly zany vibe in this script, but will have to dive in as well to confirm!


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Ahimsa
Posted: November 9th, 2019, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hi!
Writer here. Sorry for not responding earlier; I just got approved to post.

Thanks to you both for your thoughts. I'm glad that the logline works for you both. The title I'm not 100% committed to but considering the working title was Vikings vs Trolls, well, it's better I think.

I don't know if I'd describe the script as zany. It's maybe close in tone to Bade Taste or Brain Dead.

I'll have a think about titles and see if I can come up with anything punchier.

Thanks again for your feedback!
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Ahimsa
Posted: November 9th, 2019, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PrussianMosby
I only don't get if they are true Vikings from the true Vikings era or if it's just irony and the script is set in today's world. I unfortunately tend to the later interpretation by far -- while the former real Vikings ?early period? interpretation reads damn f***** intriguing to me and it would be the flick I prefer. Vikings against monsters from out of the damn glacier -- say whaaaat, you know - say what....



It's both, actually! They are modern people of Norse descent but they have access to a "special Viking brew" that turns them (briefly) into SUPER VIKINGS. (Kind of like the Gummi Bears cartoon, if you remember that.)
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eldave1
Posted: November 11th, 2019, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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I had a chance to read the first ten over coffee - pretty solid writing here, IMO.

I agree with others that the title needs to go. Made me think of internet idiots.

Suggestion:

The Norse Code
The Norse Stars


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Andrew
Posted: November 11th, 2019, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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There's no doubt this is well-written, and I can see the sweeping overhead shot of the mountains at the opening (think the swopping shot of Central Park in Vanilla Sky, or the ominous following through the forest in The Shining), looking gorgeous, but it feels like a script a director would write for themselves.

It's heavy on detail, and I think you'll lose readers early, as by page 5 I'm starting to skim read because the dialogue isn't grabbing me, and that's after a lot of words to get to that point.  I'm already starting to feel the need of a reward with a jolt forward in the story because it's reading like a novel in those early pages.

Usually I wouldn't offer that kind of wafer thin analysis (!), but I do think if there's something in the script that will lose the audience early (at least in my opinion), it's useful to know so you can address.

If you can retain your audience, that's half the battle. I'm not saying you need to put in some major explosion (!), but I think you need to start that dialogue with a bang if you go heavy with description early doors. When you look at great scripts, they grab you early and never let you go, and - in my view - those scripts tend to have more white page, unless it's a director writing for themselves, which is when you see that greater detail.

Good luck with it


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Ahimsa
Posted: November 11th, 2019, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
I had a chance to read the first ten over coffee - pretty solid writing here, IMO.

I agree with others that the title needs to go. Made me think of internet idiots.

Suggestion:

The Norse Code
The Norse Stars


Thanks for reading it over, and especially thanks for the title suggestions. Those are great!
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Ahimsa
Posted: November 11th, 2019, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Andrew
There's no doubt this is well-written, and I can see the sweeping overhead shot of the mountains at the opening (think the swopping shot of Central Park in Vanilla Sky, or the ominous following through the forest in The Shining), looking gorgeous, but it feels like a script a director would write for themselves.

It's heavy on detail, and I think you'll lose readers early, as by page 5 I'm starting to skim read because the dialogue isn't grabbing me, and that's after a lot of words to get to that point.  I'm already starting to feel the need of a reward with a jolt forward in the story because it's reading like a novel in those early pages.

Usually I wouldn't offer that kind of wafer thin analysis (!), but I do think if there's something in the script that will lose the audience early (at least in my opinion), it's useful to know so you can address.

If you can retain your audience, that's half the battle. I'm not saying you need to put in some major explosion (!), but I think you need to start that dialogue with a bang if you go heavy with description early doors. When you look at great scripts, they grab you early and never let you go, and - in my view - those scripts tend to have more white page, unless it's a director writing for themselves, which is when you see that greater detail.

Good luck with it


That's very good advice. I'll take a look at the whole thing and try to make it snappier.

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eldave1
Posted: November 11th, 2019, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ahimsa


Thanks for reading it over, and especially thanks for the title suggestions. Those are great!


No problem


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Colkurtz8
Posted: November 14th, 2019, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Ahimsa

I don't know how active you are here so I'm not going to commit to a long review. PM me if you are interested in doing an exchange.

However, I am reading it. 30 pages in, I'm enjoying it with some reservations.

I never post mid-read but this line had to get a special mention:

ERIK
I canít explain it. I saw an
unarmed Christian and felt an
uncontrollable urge to strike him
down.

As an Irishman this has particular resonance. It gave me a good ole chuckle. Nice.

p.s. I love the title...for a horror comedy. Which this sort of is, at least in the first act anyway. Posting it in the horror section has thrown people. Unfortunately, that can't be helped since there is no horror comedy section.

Col.


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Ahimsa
Posted: November 14th, 2019, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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I've only just discovered the site and I'm currently traveling and trying to NanoWriMo, so not super active but I hope to become more so. I'll send you a PM for sure.

And I'm very glad that line got a chuckle from you!
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Colkurtz8
Posted: November 15th, 2019, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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No worries. I've never heard of NanoWriMo. Funny, when I Googled it I was greeted by its crest which features none other than a horned helmet on it! What a coincidence.


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