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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Bad Influence Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 25th, 2020, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bad Influence by Kevin Review - Horror, Comedy - After a popular child influencer gets possessed by the devil, her family, who rely on her income, struggle to keep her brand alive. 87 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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kev
Posted: April 29th, 2020, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for getting this up so quickly, Don!

Having worked in children's entertainment advertising, this was a very therapeutic write for me. I had a lot of fun with this one, and I already miss it as a quarantine distraction.

If anyone would like to do a script swap (horror or comedy preferrably), let me know!


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spesh2k
Posted: April 29th, 2020, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Kev, I'll give this a look within the next few days or so.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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kev
Posted: April 30th, 2020, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from spesh2k
Hey Kev, I'll give this a look within the next few days or so.


Much appreciated! I'll take a look at your newest draft of Honey Mustard as well!


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spesh2k
Posted: April 30th, 2020, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Kev, no need. Got a bigger rewrite coming up, probably post it by next week.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: April 30th, 2020, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Kev - had a chance to check out the first 20 while waiting for dinner.

I never understand the need to put title cards in spec scripts.  I'd lose it.


Quoted Text
BEVERLY (O.S.)
It's Sophia!


I think that is the wrong format. I think it should be:

BEVERLY (V.O)
(filtered thru phone)
It's Sophia!


Quoted Text
GRACE
Jesus, mom. That's not true. And
don't say A-F.


Should be: Mom

Okay - overall - first 20 very well written. Loved the dialogue and I laughed when I was supposed to.  Nice work!

Will try to get back for more here and there.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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kev
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Hey Dave,

Thanks for checking out the first 20 pages! I really appreciate it. Noted on the title card. I did know that was kind of a spec script faux pas, but it was hard enough to resist not writing in what font I wanted as well. I'll cut it!


Quoted from eldave1
I think that is the wrong format. I think it should be:

BEVERLY (V.O)
(filtered thru phone)
It's Sophia!


Ah good to know! Would I add that wrylie every time Beverly speaks in that conversation or just the once?


Quoted from eldave1
Okay - overall - first 20 very well written. Loved the dialogue and I laughed when I was supposed to.  Nice work!


Great to hear! It's always tricky with comedy to know what's going to land. I had a reading of this with some actor friends over Zoom the other night. I highly recommend trying it. It was incredibly helpful to hear it all out loud.

Thanks again! And let me know if you have anything you're working on you'd like me to check out.


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spesh2k
Posted: May 1st, 2020, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey Kev, your script is up next! Giving it a read now, should be some notes up on here in a few hours or so.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: May 1st, 2020, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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First on the phone format:

The only thing that was technically wrong was the OS vs the VO - it needs to be VO.

I personally like the filtered thru phone at least once to let the reader know how they are hearing the conversation. It's not required - just my preference.

Okay - through page 40.

The pool in the bedroom seemed odd - I'd place the scene in the backyard - it would also give you some additional options on where the rats might have come from.

I thought the UPS driver killing the jogger and the guard dogs after that were over-kill. Just the driver dying from that bubble wrap under the brakes does the trick

Struck me as odd that Sophia hasn't mentioned her Dad at all thru the first 40. Does she hate him, miss him? Blame Mom? If you ain't going to use him - just kill him off - suicide or whatever.

The writing continues to be solid.

Keep in mind that I am not a fan of Horror and I don't write it very well, Anyway, after page 40, the biggest issue in the script for me is when horror meets WTF.

There are hundreds of mutilated dolls hanging from the ceiling and Grace and Bev are debating whether a little girl could do that???

There is black tar oozing from the little girl's mouth and horns are appearing on her forehead and she is not immediately taken to the Doctor??? etc.

So, I think you are using this as your parachute:



Quoted Text
Horror, Comedy - After a popular child influencer gets possessed by the devil, her family, who rely on her income, struggle to keep her brand alive.


Because it is a Comedy Horror hybrid you want us to believe the inexplicable actions (or the absence of rational reaction by the characters) because it is comedy.  If you are going to go that route - I think Bev already needs to be sucked in at the time your story starts rather than discovering these weird events at the same time Grace does. My suggestion regarding the premise is to give this more of an Adams Family vibe (with Bev AND Sophie being the Adams Family part). i,e,

Rather than Bev begging Grace to come help - flip it - have Grace get laid off and begging Bev of a job that Bev relunctantly agrees to give her.

Have Bev already contaminated  - e,g, when the Tar comes out of Sophie's mouth - Have Grace scream in horror while Bev calmly dabs it away with a napkin - "Don;t worry, she does that sometimes - just indgestion.

Rather than a hundred dead hanging dolls - just one outside of the bedroom - Sophia screams in horror when she sees it - Bev should be non-plussed - i.e., yeah, she likes to play with the dolls at night.

Hope this make sense - but what I'm saying is that the comedy would work better if it is Grace alone slowly discovering how weird Sophie AND Beverly are acting rather than - Grace and Bev watching as Sophie devolves.

Not sure that is clear - but its the best way I can put it.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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spesh2k
Posted: May 1st, 2020, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Kev,

So, right off the bat, this was probably one of my favorite unproduced spec reads I've had in a long, long time. I thought the balance of horror and humor was pitch perfect. This felt like Netflix's "Little Evil" meets "Evil Dead" meets the "Child's Play" sequels. It's a GREAT satire on child celebrity AND Youtube celebrity and how the amount of subscribers and followers on Youtube and other social media gives these children and Youtubers so much power in the public eye while also compromising and often robbing them of their childhoods. Really, really great stuff. And using something so modern like Youtube as a platform to say this about child celebrity was brilliant and really should attract some producers. There's no reason this shouldn't be on Netflix. This is a great addition to the evil kid horror sub genre -- while you also play on other horror movie tropes -- evil dolls, possession, signing away your soul to the devil, etc.

Your characters were perfect for this IMO. Beverly, the beauty pageant mom, was hilarious and equally as hilarious was her daughter Grace, playing the straight man -- Grace is US, essentially, pointing out how ridiculous her mother is acting. And this would be a great platform for a child actor, as well. This was really clever, really fun stuff while delivering on the horror stuff a horror audience would expect. And, again, very clever use of Youtube celebrity as a backdrop -- effectively using trends, impressions, views and subscribers as the source of this power taking over Sophia's vessel. And, even better yet, because her soul is still sold to the devil, there's sequel potential, here, too.

Wonderful work, not sure if I've read your previous stuff, but I really wasn't expecting this to be as good as it was.

NOTES:

OPENING SCENE: Right off the bat, with this opening scene, this little girl's awesome lol. And I don't quite hate her mom, but I'm right there with her daughter. Also, good work being current and having it be a Youtube channel.

PAGE 6:


Quoted Text
GRACE
How? I was out of the house most of
her conscious life! I hardly even
know her.


I think this can be written a little better as to not sound like forced exposition. Maybe space it out into two lines of dialogue. Maybe "How does she need me? She hardly even knows I exist!" And maybe her mom says something else and she replies, "I wasn't there". Or something much, much better than what I suggested.

PAGE 7: This phone call you should have BEVERLY (VO) if we can't see her on screen. You could also just say INTERCUT and keep it as is.

PAGE 13: Didn't notice this with any other scene headings, maybe they went over my head if you did but -- INT. - MANSION - FOYER -- should just be INT. MANSION - FOYER

PAGE 18: That was awesome lol.

PAGE 19:


Quoted Text
BEVERLY
I know. I'm sorry. I should have
listened to you. I also should have
told you that audition was for a
children's hair mousse. It never
took off anyways.


Wouldn't Beverly have rehearsed the audition with Grace?

PAGE 22-23: Haha, this is great stuff RE: Sophie play "drowning" a toy.

PAGE 24: RE the dead rats -- YES! This is great!

PAGE 27:


Quoted Text
Sophia walks up the stairs backwards while still smiling at
them both. She SLAMS her bedroom door shut.

GRACE
Uh --

Beverly starts taking down the dolls frantically.

BEVERLY
Hurry! Help me! Before the UPS guy
gets here!


I love how Beverly looks past the creepy shit, so concerned about what the UPS guy thinks, editing the videos, etc. Really funny stuff. This almost feels like it's making fun of "evil kid" movies a little bit.

PAGE 37:


Quoted Text
HISSS! Distracted, Beverly looks down as multiple garter
snakes slither towards the house. This only re-instills
Beverly's urgency.


I'm loving all the craziness, here.

PAGE 40:


Quoted Text
Sophia dances around the room, entertaining herself, looking
for attention. Typical kid shit.

SOPHIA
Can we play hide and seek?

GRACE
A thousand percent no.


I love all these characters, even the mom. But Grace cynical attitude is easy to identify with, and it's very welcomed in this horror, evil kid movie setting.

PAGE 42:


Quoted Text
There is indeed a rack of clothing behind Grace. Beverly
shrugs, busted.

BEVERLY
(excited)
She just looks so fucking cute in
houndstooth.


This reminds me of "American Psycho" a little, the superficiality of the characters, comically making that a priority over everything else.

PAGE 44:


Quoted Text
BEVERLY
(mid-sleep)
Just boost the post ...


Haha!


Quoted Text
Sophia's pupils shake as they slide into the back of her
head. A sinister smile grows across her face to almost
unnatural proportions.


Nice, some "Evil Dead" shit.

PAGE 55:


Quoted Text
REPORTER (O.S.)
The hottest new toys at the annual
Toy Fair ended up being a little
TOO hot for the West Shipley
Convention Center as it erupted
into flames earlier this afternoon
turning play into... dismay. Over
fourteen people died, making this
the highest death toll in Toy Fair
history in North America. We have
one of the survivors here to
discuss what she saw during this
toytastrophe.


Excellent dark humor.

PAGE 58:

The humor in this is awesome, specifically with Beverly.

PAGE 65:

Constance and Lydia are hilarious. Nice take on the ghost hunter/demonic possession characters we see so much in horror movies (Insidious, Poltergeist, etc).

PAGE 68:


Quoted Text
GRACE
YOU LITERALLY SIGNED YOUR
DAUGHTER'S SOUL OVER TO THE DEVIL.


Ah, man, this is pitch perfect!

PAGE 73:


Quoted Text
GRACE (CONT'D)
(moved)
I saw in your email exchange. Your
only contract requirement was that
if anything happens to you, I'd
have control.


This is really clever stuff. And it adds an emotional element, building the character relationship between mother and daughter.

PAGE 83:


Quoted Text
Another page pops up: "Please answer one of the following
security questions so we can verify your authority." She
cringes again.

She scrolls through the options: "What was the name of your
4th grade teacher?" She types in a wild guess. Wrong. 2 out
of 3 attempts remaining.

"Where's your favorite place to vacation?" Her fingers teeter
on the keyboard keys. She types something in. Wrong. 1 out of
3 attempts remaining.


This is incredibly clever and funny -- relates to how much she knows her own sister and/or mother. Or maybe how much her mother knows her. Really, really impressive.

PAGE 87:


Quoted Text
JANET (CONT'D)
She's a little trend setter, isn't
she?

Beverly and Grace look to Sophia. She's somehow managed to
get a few more kids to join her play session as well.

Sophia looks over to them. She smiles. A moment too long.

CUT TO:
BLACK.

A Kidz Bop version of "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC plays.


Great use of Kidz Bop covers of adult songs. This was awesome.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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kev
Posted: May 1st, 2020, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dave! Big thanks for reading more.


Quoted from eldave1
The pool in the bedroom seemed odd - I'd place the scene in the backyard - it would also give you some additional options on where the rats might have come from.


Valid point. I’m not sure I never considered just setting this in a backyard pool. It would be a nice change up from all of the interior scenes as well. Will make this change for the rewrite.


Quoted from eldave1
I thought the UPS driver killing the jogger and the guard dogs after that were over-kill. Just the driver dying from that bubble wrap under the brakes does the trick


I definitely went over the top with the kills here. The deaths that follow might not be your cup of tea haha, but I actually didn’t mean to insinuate that the jogger was killed. I’ll have to re-read that and be more careful with my descriptions. It was more that the jogger just screamed as a witness to the event.


Quoted from eldave1
Struck me as odd that Sophia hasn't mentioned her Dad at all thru the first 40. Does she hate him, miss him? Blame Mom? If you ain't going to use him - just kill him off - suicide or whatever.


I did leave this ambiguous, but it is something I should fill in. I have an idea of the family history in my head, but thanks for reminding me! I’ll make sure to clear this up in the script.


Quoted from eldave1
Because it is a Comedy Horror hybrid you want us to believe the inexplicable actions (or the absence of rational reaction by the characters) because it is comedy.  If you are going to go that route - I think Bev already needs to be sucked in at the time your story starts rather than discovering these weird events at the same time Grace does. My suggestion regarding the premise is to give this more of an Adams Family vibe (with Bev AND Sophie being the Adams Family part). i,e,


This is a great note, and an option I never really considered. Everything you said following too is something that will be very helpful for the next draft. Thanks for checking this out, it definitely gave me some things to consider. Much appreciated!


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spesh2k
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Quoted Text
Quoted from eldave1
Because it is a Comedy Horror hybrid you want us to believe the inexplicable actions (or the absence of rational reaction by the characters) because it is comedy.  If you are going to go that route - I think Bev already needs to be sucked in at the time your story starts rather than discovering these weird events at the same time Grace does. My suggestion regarding the premise is to give this more of an Adams Family vibe (with Bev AND Sophie being the Adams Family part)


I think Bev already knows something is wrong with Sophie and has already experienced some strange shit, like Sophie's voice changing -- Grace just arrives as things are getting worse.

And I do disagree with the Adams Family vibe, I think it's the wrong way to go. I really think the humor and tone is pitch perfect as is -- it has somewhat of an "Evil Dead" kinda humor to it that works for this specific story and this specific sub genre of horror. You threaten to lose a certain demographic (the horror demographic) if you go the Adams Family route. And it's not like you're gaining a new demographic while compromising another demographic,  considering the violence that lies ahead.

I really think the tone is very consistent throughout, as is the humor balanced with the horror, Grace and Beverly playing off each other perfectly.

Just my two cents.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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kev
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Hey Michael,

I really appreciate you giving this a read and for your kind words! I’m thrilled that you dug this, and those comparisons are exactly the vibe I was going for. Having worked with parents of child influencers at my past job, I found the whole thing to be super creepy so this was a ton of fun to write in that regard. I never saw myself writing an evil kid movie, but once I conjured up the idea, I couldn’t stop finding more fun ways to jab at it.

I absolutely love the horror comedy genre because it really gives you free rein on going full throttle weird. I’m happy to hear the combo of genres worked for you as I didn’t want it to fall into pure parody.

All of your notes are really helpful! I’m also grateful you pointed out things you enjoyed. I haven’t finished a feature in a bit so I’m trying to let this one breathe for a bit before I start re-writing, but I’m excited to get back at it.

Thanks again! Make sure to let me know when you have something you want me to take a look at, I really enjoyed Honey Mustard!


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spesh2k
Posted: May 1st, 2020, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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No problem, man. Again, very impressive work, probably one of my two favorite specs I've read since the quarantine (the other was a friend of mine, the writer of "Rose in the Darkness" that got some attention 7 years back)... and I've read A LOT of specs in that time, probably close to 1 per day. The humor is razor sharp on spot on, IMO. It's evident you have a very good understanding of your specific genre.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
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Quoted from spesh2k


I think Bev already knows something is wrong with Sophie and has already experienced some strange shit, like Sophie's voice changing -- Grace just arrives as things are getting worse.

And I do disagree with the Adams Family vibe, I think it's the wrong way to go. I really think the humor and tone is pitch perfect as is -- it has somewhat of an "Evil Dead" kinda humor to it that works for this specific story and this specific sub genre of horror. You threaten to lose a certain demographic (the horror demographic) if you go the Adams Family route. And it's not like you're gaining a new demographic while compromising another demographic,  considering the violence that lies ahead.

I really think the tone is very consistent throughout, as is the humor balanced with the horror, Grace and Beverly playing off each other perfectly.

Just my two cents.

-- Michael


Yeah, really don't agree here at all.  

But that is the joy of having multiple eyes on something.  Hopefully, Kev will get some more reads here as it certainly as a script that is well worth looking at.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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