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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The Cabin on Walker Lane Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Cabin on Walker Lane  (currently 275 views)
Don
Posted: August 15th, 2020, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The  Cabin on Walker Lane by Clay von Carlowitz - Horror - During the pandemic, a writer flees the city with his wife and brother to a cabin Upstate - and encounters a murderous cult. 118 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work




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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 23rd, 2020, 12:33pm
revised draft
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Kirsten
Posted: August 26th, 2020, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hey Clay, I read the first ten pages, and really got into this. i could easily see this playing in my head as a movie. I liked the parents, they were colorful characters, popped off the page. sweet, goofy funny. It has good narrative drive. Will try and read more tonight.  


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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ClayvonC
Posted: August 26th, 2020, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Thatís awesome, Kirsten! Thanks so much for the encouraging words. Hope you enjoy the rest!

CVC
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Kirsten
Posted: September 5th, 2020, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Again Clay, just finished this the other day. I enjoyed it....i want to go through it again thoroughly and take notes. Which I'm looking forward too. 😁 Im going on holiday for a couple of weeks so I'll try drop a line in here and there if I can.... i really need the time to focus. 😁


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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ClayvonC
Posted: September 5th, 2020, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Kirsten - thanks so much for taking the time! Iím hard at work on another draft, so any feedback would be appreciated. All my best and thanks again!

Yours,

Clay
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Kirsten
Posted: September 6th, 2020, 8:09am Report to Moderator
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Hi Clay, my pleasure.

I have a couple mins.... Just a quick formatting issue that really needs attention. You haven't introduced Izzy, Mac, Jenn, or Frank properly. None of them have a description or first capitalization.

Okay signing out..


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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ClayvonC
Posted: September 6th, 2020, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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Hey Kirsten - I know! In the shuffle of different drafts, I somehow cut out those descriptions and subsequently frustrated many readers. Much appreciated.

CVC  
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ABennettWriter
Posted: September 21st, 2020, 12:39am Report to Moderator
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Hey Clay! I really enjoyed this. You've got a good mix of characters and conflict. I think the structure works as far as when things happen. You've got some good action mixed with a lot of clever surprises. The face masks are genius. I did not see that coming.

I don't know how how well I believe the son can survive on his own, but I do like the character and how he comes back to kick ass later. I think his set up is a little weak. Plant something about him being some kind of athlete or something in the beginning so we know that he can handle the cold and everything. That would make his reveal more believable.

I read this over the course of a few days and then had issues signing into my account, so I've forgotten when, but you have a number early on. I think it was "4" instead of "four", and then at one point near the ned, you have MAC talking too himself instead of someone else. The wryly says (To Mac) when he's speaking. Looks like a mistake.

I honestly didn't even catch the the introductions were wrong because it was written so well.

Have you written anymore drafts?
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ClayvonC
Posted: September 21st, 2020, 12:46am Report to Moderator
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Hey there - thanks for the feedback and the kind words. Iíve been working on a new draft the past couple weeks and hope to have it finished by the end of the month. Iíll let you know as soon as itís ready, and weíll see how you like the changes!

Best,

Clay
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