Pyre by Sean Elwood - Horror - While caring for an elderly patient in a large estate, a young caretaker attempts to prove whether or not the man who hired her is a monster. 77 pages - pdf format

Based on the short Don't Go In The Shed.

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Sean, I gave this a read.
Got a real Hammer Horror, Dracula meets Rebecca vibe going on here.

I have nitpicks but nothing major.

I did have a slight problem with this at the start:
KAT Would I be able to leave to visit family?  You know, friends?

NATHANIEL
Unfortunately not. Margaret requires near constant supervision.

I know Kat's desperate for money, facing eviction etc. But she's 22 years old, in a new relationship, father !in hospital etc. Margaret could live a long time and Kat's blindly agreeing to be stuck with her indefinitely, no contact with friends and family until she dies?

I dunno...

I would have liked to see more of Kat's relationship with Sterling first, considering what eventuates. And considering you were talking in another thread about short page count I think padding that out a bit could add to the sinister twist towards the end

Speaking of: is Amanda in cahoots with Sterling from the start? She seems to be the one who really insists the job is a great opportunity and shouldn't be passed up, that Kat should take it, despite it being out in the sticks & despite Kat's car not running well.

A few odd phrasings throughout:
I suspect you're adopting a mannered style with the character Nathaniel.

We  do  not  receive  many  requests  for this  position.  
And  sometimes  the ones  we  do,  Mister  Grant  does  not prefer.
Shouldn't that be: ,.applicants? And, maybe Mister Grant rejects them?
And perhaps he might be better off saying they were inundated with applicants but Mister Grant is most particular.?

but  you  shouldn’t  need  to worry  about  that.  
As  I  had mentioned,  he  is  impressed.

You needn't worry maybe?
What's he impressed with exactly? Has she done this work before? I'm guessing this is part of the sinister tone you're going for? Make her more intelligent though. At the moment I feel she's on the verge of questioning things but then doesn't follow through.

A  “do  not  speak  unless spoken  to”  kind  of  mannerism.  Do you  understand?
I think that might be better phrased as a 'rule' or 'mindset'
A mannerism is more a frequent gesture, habitual tic, characteristic, etc., imho.

Margaret requires  near  constant  supervision.
Do you need 'near constant'?

...however  he  has  high hopes  for  you.  He  seems  to  trust you  with  Margaret.
Wouldn't this be a big red flag? Kat hasn't even met Margaret or Grant at this stage, has she? Why would he trust her? Why doesn't Kat think this is too weird and run for the hills? Or at least mention the creepiness to her friends?

I think maybe you should consider a cook as a character to hover in the background. Even if she just glides through scenes and says little.
It's stretching credibility that Kat would look after Margaret full-time and be expected to cook all the meals too, surely.

NATHANIEL
In  due  time.  Mister  Grant  has  a rather  nasty  reaction  to  sunlight,
so  he  stays  mostly  in  his  quarters.

Isn't this a dead giveaway?
The discarded cross is on full display too? Maybe leave these as reveals a little later on?
Nathaniel sounds like he'd be the type to explain the condition Grant has in his usual pretentious way as: xeroderma pigmentosum or equivalent

Anywhere  but  the  shed.  It’s  very private.
I'd suggest he be more emphatic here. After all this is pivotal. Example: That is strictly Mr Grant's domain, and off limits.
And then require a response from her with a pointed look, like : Do we understand each other?

Should Heather be capped? (in the photo)

Just another dollar...
Isn't she getting double pay now, and an exorbitant amount of money daily? Especially for her age. Shouldn't she comment that way instead, say it's worth it instead of shrugging it off?

HEATHER
What...?  Well  that’s  what  happens when  you  get  older.  
Feed  her,  bathe her,  she’s  a  baby  trapped  in  an  old woman’s  body.

Dialogue from Heather? I'm not getting this. This is Kat to Amanda, right?

I don't know about you but I think Kat should refer to herself as Margaret's Carer. Caretaker sounds like she's looking after a property, whereas this is 'personal care or Nursing

Margaret should be 'unresponsive' instead of 'stoic' p.20 as Stoic suggests she's conscious in some way which it doesn't appear she is.

Okay, I completely missed the bit where Kat's studying to be a Nurse. p.21

The sequence where Kat and Margaret look at the shed. Perhaps Kat notices Margaret A Little more animated, even if fleeting, maybe a barely perceptible look of fear, and she asks her: Are you okay, Margaret? Only to get that blank stare again.

They’re  photographs  of  Thomas  and  the  young  woman,  or Margaret  and  various  young  women.
Photographs of Thomas and an assortment or array of younger WOMEN line the walls.
The only way we can tell if one of them is Margaret is if she's wearing something, like a necklace, that we instantly recognise as hers?

Will be back with more if you're up for it?
Plus notes on story.

Cont...

Hey Libby,

Thanks for checking this out already! First and foremost, your notes were great. Lots of really helpful stuff that you've brought up, especially for this being a first draft. This is exactly what I was looking for!

Quoted from LC I know Kat's desperate for money, facing eviction etc. But she's 22 years old, in a new relationship, father !in hospital etc. Margaret could live a long time and Kat's blindly agreeing to be stuck with her indefinitely, no contact with friends and family until she dies? I dunno...

Yeah this one is a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" kinda move for me. Because I feel if I didn't include this exposition, people would question why she stays at the estate the entire time without going out to visit Sterling or her dad or anyone like that.

I've considered having a segment where she sneaks out of the estate to go visit Sterling and they end up nearly having sex before she stops herself, or they get caught by someone, or interrupted. Either that, or Sterling arrives at the estate unannounced and coaxes Kat to do something she doesn't want to before they're interrupted by Nathaniel, or even Thomas himself.

Quoted from LC I would have liked to see more of Kat's relationship with Sterling first, considering what eventuates. And considering you were talking in another thread about short page count I think padding that out a bit could add to the sinister twist towards the end Speaking of: is Amanda in cahoots with Sterling from the start? She seems to be the one who really insists the job is a great opportunity and shouldn't be passed up, that Kat should take it, despite it being out in the sticks & despite Kat's car not running well.

I originally had two separate scenes introducing Sterling and Amanda, but their conversations were so similar in theme that I combined them. What kind of relationship aspects would you like to see with Sterling? I did mention above about adding a scene where Sterling presses to have sex with Kat, in which she denies his advances. Maybe he could get offended? Or as I said, they could get caught or interrupted.

Cahoots? As in, are they doing stuff behind Kat's back? If that's what you mean, then no, they are not...but that's not a bad idea actually, hmm...

Quoted from LC A few odd phrasings throughout: I suspect you're adopting a mannered style with the character Nathaniel. We  do  not  receive  many  requests  for this  position.   And  sometimes  the ones  we  do,  Mister  Grant  does  not prefer. Shouldn't that be: ,.applicants? And, maybe Mister Grant rejects them? And perhaps he might be better off saying they were inundated with applicants but Mister Grant is most particular.? but  you  shouldn’t  need  to worry  about  that.   As  I  had mentioned,  he  is  impressed. You needn't worry maybe?

These are great tips, thanks. Yes, Nathaniel is supposed to be very well mannered.

Quoted from LC What's he impressed with exactly? Has she done this work before? I'm guessing this is part of the sinister tone you're going for? Make her more intelligent though. At the moment I feel she's on the verge of questioning things but then doesn't follow through.

True, Kat should be able to question things further. Lemme see if I can work on that. I don't want her to lose this job, but she is smart so she could probably work around Nathaniel retaliating her questioning and win him over. However, to answer your first question, Thomas is impressed with Kat solely because she's a virgin, everything else is secondary.

Quoted from LC ...however  he  has  high hopes  for  you.  He  seems  to  trust you  with  Margaret. Wouldn't this be a big red flag? Kat hasn't even met Margaret or Grant at this stage, has she? Why would he trust her? Why doesn't Kat think this is too weird and run for the hills? Or at least mention the creepiness to her friends?

True point! I'll work on this as well.

Quoted from LC I think maybe you should consider a cook as a character to hover in the background. Even if she just glides through scenes and says little. It's stretching credibility that Kat would look after Margaret full-time and be expected to cook all the meals too, surely.

This is very true too. I figured cooking wouldn't be a big deal to have to worry about but I do feel it's a bit of an odd request to ask of a caretaker. Maybe I can have Nathaniel be a cook as well, or add another character as you suggested.

Quoted from LC NATHANIEL In  due  time.  Mister  Grant  has  a rather  nasty  reaction  to  sunlight, so  he  stays  mostly  in  his  quarters. Isn't this a dead giveaway? The discarded cross is on full display too? Maybe leave these as reveals a little later on? Nathaniel sounds like he'd be the type to explain the condition Grant has in his usual pretentious way as: xeroderma pigmentosum or equivalent

Yeahhhh...good idea to give Nathan exposition on explaining Thomas' "condition". The cross is also a dead giveaway. I could have her see the cross in the fireplace, and then reveal it later on when Kat asks Margaret if she's religious.

Quoted from LC Anywhere  but  the  shed.  It’s  very private. I'd suggest he be more emphatic here. After all this is pivotal. Example: That is strictly Mr Grant's domain, and off limits. And then require a response from her with a pointed look, like : Do we understand each other?

Love this. Thanks.

Quoted from LC Should Heather be capped? (in the photo)

Thought about this. I'll do it anyway, since it sounds like it makes sense.

Quoted from LC Just another dollar... Isn't she getting double pay now, and an exorbitant amount of money daily? Especially for her age. Shouldn't she comment that way instead, say it's worth it instead of shrugging it off?

Good point!

Quoted from LC HEATHER What...?  Well  that’s  what  happens when  you  get  older.   Feed  her,  bathe her,  she’s  a  baby  trapped  in  an  old woman’s  body. Dialogue from Heather? I'm not getting this. This is Kat to Amanda, right?

Argh, I knew this would happen. I copy and pasted some things from my short to the feature, and totally glanced over this. It IS Kat to Amanda, and that's Kat's line. Gonna fix that. Thanks.

Quoted from LC I don't know about you but I think Kat should refer to herself as Margaret's Carer. Caretaker sounds like she's looking after a property, whereas this is 'personal care or Nursing

Also good point!

Quoted from LC Okay, I completely missed the bit where Kat's studying to be a Nurse. p.21

Originally she was finding an internship for her senior year in college and that's why she took on the job, but I felt things were too weird for her to even consider this a possible option as an internship. So I just made it to where she's looking for a career job instead, while still in school. Just never mention she's in school, except for that one line (and the line where she uses a planner religiously to juggle work, school, and personal life).

Quoted from LC The sequence where Kat and Margaret look at the shed. Perhaps Kat notices Margaret A Little more animated, even if fleeting, maybe a barely perceptible look of fear, and she asks her: Are you okay, Margaret? Only to get that blank stare again.

Love this too. Gonna work on this scene to include that.

Quoted from LC They’re  photographs  of  Thomas  and  the  young  woman,  or Margaret  and  various  young  women. Photographs of Thomas and an assortment or array of younger WOMEN line the walls. The only way we can tell if one of them is Margaret is if she's wearing something, like a necklace, that we instantly recognise as hers?

There are photos of Thomas with the same one woman; we don't know who she is.

Then there are photos of Margaret, in a wheelchair, with various women, implying that they're caretakers.

We don't want to know that the young woman with Thomas is Margaret until later in the script.





I'd love to hear more! Thank you again for reading, and giving your time to comment!

Sean

Hi Sean, take what you want and discard the rest........

The log line seems a little too simple and not grabby enough…. Just an example......A nursing student desperate for money to save her dad, takes a care giver job at an isolated mansion, only to find that her employer may be looking for more than just an employee.  

Need to expand the hospital scene. Kat needs a clear goal so we have a strong  reason why she needs to take this weird job. We need to know she needs money to pay for her dads care… is her mom dead, absent? Brothers or sisters? We should know here as well that she is a nursing student. And of course that means she is more than likely poor…

It would be good to show kat in a class maybe with her friend amanda?

Need to delve into sterling more. Create more of a bond between him and kat and a little of his personality, to make sure we think he is the good guy and likable.

Maybe show that she is falling for Sterling… makes the sterling plot a little stronger.. oh shit the guy she’s falling for is the bad guy!

Yeah,  sterling saying he is afraid of the sight blood is a good way for him to deter anyone from thinking he is in with a vampire. And it’s a little hint. And he’s a nerd so him spewing off random facts seem normal, maybe?

The friendship with Amanda needs a little more background to cement her character.  

Amanda telling kat  she is desperate and needs the job isn’t strong enough for the story, it needs to come from kat to want it badly and for amanda to be saying no don’t! We need to  get the sense that Kat really is desperate plus it adds some conflict, which is always gold…  

Yeah making kat allowed to leave the mansion does fit the narrative. But you still have the isolation of the mansion which adds to the horror aspect of not having much help if shit goes wrong..

We meet Nathaniel, prim and proper… maybe add wellspoken.

Nathanal  saying she was the only choice, is for a reason that audience doesn’t know yet…. Good! So kat is really the only choice because she has already been pre chosen by sterling because she is a VIRGIN and he is helping Thomas get victims. Nice…

Kat telling Nate that she can prepare a dish, seems  very out of place and not something an employer would want to spend the time bothering with. I would can that.

This job is going to be weird but hey she is DESPERATE! The audience should be feeling a sense of dread for her. They have superior position at this point.

the sun room is margarets favorite place because it’s safe from the VAMPIRE. That the audience doesn’t  know about just yet.

Okay so her not being sure about the job, get rid of because we already know she is DESPERATE FOR IT… she is taking it.

Maybe do a scene with her at her dads side again telling him what’s going on, then onto the scene with sterling in the car driving there..

Good that you are delaying meeting Mr Grant… adds to the suspense for the audience…

Thomas is late 20’s and Mrs grants son. Doesn’t have anything to do with his mums care. Has his own food and keeps away from people. Okay so he seems weird off the bat, so we know something sinister is up with him… questions, questions, questions, good for the audience.

I don’t see what the purpose of the phone call to Amanda is? It doesn’t feel at all important.

Good montage

The shadow glides away… vampire!

Out walking with Margaret,,,good. Curiosity about the shed…good.

Cool intro to Mr Grant…out from the shadows, creepy, vampire? Talks about all of his other workers in a weird way. Has photos of them, very weird. Did he kill them?

Okay he says she is pure and I know why…

Uh oh, he is trying to get to her with his look…


When kat is talking to amanda it would feel more organic if kat answers a call from amanda and then talks with her. It seems kat is okay with this job so far so I wouldn’t think she needs to chat with amanda about it. Plus she comes across to amanda as a bit unprofessional in how she talks about Margaret??


Thomas mr grant, is creeping again, but in the laundry. Reveals that Margaret is his wife. shes in her 80’s what?? Creepy!

We know something is up and kat is probably in more danger. From what I’m seeing the audience should be thinking he’s a vampire… walking in the rain, no sun. staying in the shadows.

Nice a bit of conflict with Thomas flirting. while out on a walk with kat.

Kat ends up in Thomas’s bedroom. He has paintings all over the walls. He wants her to stay, she says no goes to leave, but he puts her in a trance and convinces her to stay tries to kiss her, but she says dad.. and he growls and disappears. Why Dad?

Okay so if she thinks he’s a vampire why would she stay to figure it out if she knows her life is in danger and she has the opportunity to leave? There’s nothing in her personality that makes me want to believe she would stay and try see if he’s a monster.
She needs to WANT to leave but somehow can’t. That then propels her to figure out a way to destroy him. It’s her life or his… so then the story becomes a fight for survival while she’s figuring out if he really is a vampire. And maybe he doesn’t end up being a vampire, maybe he end’s up being some other kind of mystical creature that is similar to a vampire? To be honest I was hoping for this because the mystery of who he is was, was shown early and I was hoping it was done to lead us down a wrong path..

A caregiver killing her patient is very extreme behavior so there has to be a pretty extreme reason why she does it, and I would imagine if it’s Katherines life or maragrets, kat will probably decide its her own as long as we believe she could do it..


So overall I feel there needs to be stronger intent for kat to be there, more life and death situations that are not obvious but slowly become more obvious as she gets closer to the truth. More character development and relationship development between kat, Amanda and  Sterling.
Mr Grant’s character is good, he is creepy and weird and I like the twist with Sterling and the creature in the shed.  With a stronger story this could be a good atmospheric horror if filmed well.

So keep at it Sean, make us afraid for kat, creeped out big time by Thomas, entertain us in each scene, pop those characters off the page like you did with your Grosvner Hotel.. (spelt wrong probably)

Cheers K.

Hi Sean,

Gave Pyre a read - definitely enjoyed it. I love a spooky-mansion-type feature!

I believe you've done a great job at building that creepy tension these features should have - to the point where I was a little disappointed at Thomas's introduction, took a little bit of the mystique away from me - but appreciate he is a central character to your plot.

There is good dialogue throughout, particularly in the first seen scene with Kat, Amanda and Sterling, got the script off to a dynamic start.

Where I felt there was a slight overkill of dialogue was in the interview with Kat and Nathaniel - Maybe we get told too much information. I think it could be trimmed a bit, perhaps some of it could be slipped in later - like Kat explaining why she can't leave during a phone call to Amanda/Sterling.

Also the interview would be a great opportunity to build some extra tension around Kat and this big scary mansion she has just entered. Maybe she could look around the room a bit more, see things that make her a little uneasy, whilst Nathaniel writes notes or summit.

I did enjoy the overall story and of course the twist. Though do agree regarding Kats reaction to thinking Thomas is a vampire - Think she would run a mile! Might need to tweak that a little to get her back in that mansion.

Anyway I liked this, think a lot of it would work well on screen. And being your first draft it's got plenty of room to grow.



  

Hey all,

After seeing Don’s post about a low-budget vampire script in need, I decided to return to this script and clean it up a bit and work on it some more, mainly to send it off to the producers in need of the script. So far, no word yet, but time is slow to tell…

The newest draft is posted up now.

Kirsten, thanks for reading. I am going to work on it some more to take in some of your suggestions and considerations. The room still has about 10 pages I can flesh out the script some more with, so your suggestions are very helpful with character development and such.

Colin, thank you as well for reading. I included a bit where Kat tries to escape but her car won’t start. It’s near the point where she kills off Margaret, just to give her one last chance to escape before she has to do the inevitable.

Kirsten and Colin, sorry my response was never received for this script when y’all commented. It’s been a really rough year, and a lot of people did not like this script so I tossed it to the side for the time being and returned to it when it was back and fresh in my mind. Your comments were very helpful, so in Draft 4 they’ll certainly be taken into consideration. Draft 3, for now, is tying up loose ends and closing up some gaps.

Thanks, Don for getting the updated draft up.

To whomever reads the newest draft, please enjoy.

Sean

Hey Sean, no worries. I figured you wanted a break from the script, I was thinking of this script when I saw that post about the vampire script .  I'll definitely give the new draft a read...

Quoted from Kirsten Hey Sean, no worries. I figured you wanted a break from the script, I was thinking of this script when I saw that post about the vampire script .  I'll definitely give the new draft a read...

Hey Kristen and Zombie sean i share your kink for vampires. i do offer you my script 'The edge of forever.' second part from 'Only lovers left alive.' I hope yu like it. Meanwhile i take a look to you script.