Craving :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

DeShawn,

I got some notes after reading your script.  I'll start with your logline.  In my opinion, it may be a little over-expressive.  Something like, "A homicide detective wakes up from a coma to find out he has an appetite for human flesh."
I suggest you rephrase, "bullet ripping his brain apart."  Save the good stuff for the read.  Also, take a look at "wounds up."

You want to be mindful of the "is" writing.

These are excerpts from page 2.

Quoted Text

Detective Jones is exiting his vehicle with his pistol out.

"Detective Jones exits the vehicle with his pistol at low ready. "

Quoted Text

A middle aged Caucasian woman is pacing around the living room with a pistol pressed against the side of her head bawling her eyes out.

" A distraught middle-aged Caucasian woman paces around the living room with a pistol pressed to the side of her head."

Page 7 at the bottom.

Quoted Text

Matt is walking to the front door of the hospital with Doctor 1.

"Matt walks to the front door with Doctor One."

You don't need "hospital" in the action line. The slugline already tells us the location.  To have a character just walk in a script is considered bland.   In my opinion, if the movement is not important, start the scene with them standing at the exit.  If Matt's weak from being in a coma for 13 years and leaving the hospital after only three days, you could have something like this.
"Doctor One escorts a wobbly Matt to the exit."

Quite a few of your slugs are incorrect.  It might help to refresh yourself on the use of  MOMENTS LATER, LATER, AND CONTINOUS.

INT. CAR - NIGHT  (page 9)

You have the next scene as,

INT. MATT’S FARMHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER  (page 11)

Two things.   It needs to be EXT. MATT'S FARMHOUSE because the scene is outside. Instead of MOMENTS LATER, you need to have NIGHT.   Because the last thing we read in the prior scene is Malik and Matt listening to music going down the road.  Unless you can get/have the rights, no reason to pick a copyrighted song in a spec script.  Something like, " An upbeat rap song bumps through the speakers."

I'm not a fan of the setup.  I think you could capitalize more if you have Matt and Malik respond to the crime together.  Show how good of partners/friends they were before Matt's accident.  It would make the betrayal a better payoff.

Anything you put in the setup needs to be addressed to some degree.  If you don't, readers will be left scratching their heads.   Example:
Top of Page 5

Quoted Text

DOCTOR 2
You woke up 6 hours after the plug was pulled.
Matt seems so confused.
MATT JONES
What the fuck? How is that even possible?
DOCTOR 3
Just wait it gets even more bizarre. You woke up 6 hours after the plug was pulled on the 6th day of the 6th month of the year.
DOCTOR 4
Your wife, the only family you had, only visited you 6 times for 6 minutes each but only on the 6 year of your coma.
DOCTOR 1
The thing is your wife did something unorthodox. First she brought 6 out of her seven children one each time she came to visit you.
DOCTOR 2
What doesn’t make sense is the first five kids only stayed six seconds every time. They all never made it home and are missing Still to this day.
DOCTOR 3
The last time your wife was with you her child jumped to their death from your room on the 6th floor.
DOCTOR 4
Not only that but your wife managed to get 6 doctors in the room and slaughtered them all with 6 different weapons and finished them on the 6th impaling blow.
DOCTOR 1
Your wife drunk 6 ounces of each doctor’s blood, pulled out six of her own teeth, and died after stabbing herself 6 times in the face at your bed rest.
DOCTOR 2
Your wife’s only remaining child got her cremated and spread her ashes in a 6 mile circumference around the hospital.
DOCTOR 3
The child came back to your room with 6 black cats and snapped all of their necks.
DOCTOR 4
Then kissed your forehead for 6 seconds before leaving. Matt is left speechless. There is a long moment of silence.
MATT JONES
I don’t even know what to say.
DOCTOR 1
I know we just dropped a bomb of news onto you but you can have time to think about that and process it while we run some test on you. If you are good after being on a 72 hour observatory hold then you are free to resume your life.

You present that information and it's never brought up again.    I'm assuming you were trying to pull off a misdirection with Matt hearing "voices" in his head.  You wanted us to think some evil entity was pulling the strings.   When I learned why Matt liked human flesh, I didn't buy it.  You're on the right track.  It just needs to be fleshed out a little better.

Personally, I don't think you need that many doctors standing around him when he wakes up.   At the most, two.  One medical and one psych.  Probably wouldn't hurt to give them names.   If it was some outlandish horror comedy, I would laugh at the above exchange.

Subgenres aside, I think one universal truth about horror is you need tension.   Try not to substitute tension with gore and shock value.   It almost feels like you are going for the torture porn vibe.

On page 32 you don't have a slug for when the store attendant and Matt get in the car.

Quoted Text

The man turns around and quickly unbuckles his pants. He yanks down his pants and underwear and squats somewhat over the toilet while looking up at the ceiling. Matt quietly comes from under the stall to the same one as the man. Matt opens his mouth wide and turns his head so it’s under the man’s butthole.

The man lets loose so much explosive diarrhea and it goes all over Matt’s face but mainly in his mouth. The man doesn’t even realize it until Matt begins making sound effects of something delicious. The man turns around to see Matt with shit all over his face and is beyond disgusted.

I am genuinely curious. What is the motivation behind Matt doing this?

I'm going to stop here. I would like to know if you see this as a regular horror or some subgenre.

All the best!

Kevin L.