Page 3 - Dialogue's off
CARL
The Christians aren’t givin’ you
too much grief, right?
BECCA
I am installing a security system.
CARL
True, that.

Who's Man 2? I must have missed Man 1.

What's with

Breaking stuff noise

I'm thinking clatter or anything but the above.

This went sour for me. Too much of too much.

Sandra

I'm completely unfamiliar with the Wizard of Gore.

I was actually kind of digging this until page 4. Then it snapped the suspension of disbelief so violently my boxer shorts were ejected by a gravitational slingshot effect so fast they went back in time and rescued two humpback wales called George and Gracie.

The actions and motivations of the boys were completely unbelievable, even for a horror. it seemed you were going for the Scream angle where teenagers become psychotic killers just for kicks but I wasn't buying it. The dialogue was very on the nose and although the build up to releasing the demon side of the girl was good with the ventriloquist angle, once it happened it was such a let down, especially as she then explained the whole backstory. I think if you'd have gone with a more dissociative identity disorder angle it may have worked better.

Not for me this one but you at least entered, something which I failed to do this time.

-Mark



  

Vague, generic logline
Script is stuffed to the last line, not a good sign in case of clear concept.

P2 wrong slugline, should be…

INT. BECCA’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM – DAY

P4 MAN TWO??

I miss man one here

Despite that, the dialogue box should have a header like that
MAN#2

P4 interactions in picture are unclear

" It’s so much fun when the person
you stalk calls the company you
work for to put in the system
that’s supposed to keep them safe"

Indeed. That's a generally good beat there that could be the foundation for a more concise story.

P9 is good
Some humor, then the sudden twist

P10 an extreme monolog for my taste

P11 top of the page: that's another pretty nice beat

"BECCA
Looks like we got a screamer."

Yeah this is cool too.

The first half of the script is "nothing"
The second half of the script is "something"

There was definitely some entertainment there later. But man or woman, you must order your thoughts better. Get to the point. When they arrived at her house, the dialogue was very repetitive, the interactions unclear, descriptions felt partly untidy and hard to translate. Then her overly long monolog.

Just go with the best and leave the rest, I'd say.

This could be awesome, I like a lot of your thoughts and concepts when there is tension and movement once. Those parts felt smart and grim as the genre requires. I just feel you have a long way to realize what is "not of use" and only hinders your execution. There's plenty of it to get rid of.

Whatever, I enjoyed some parts of it very much. Learn to be direct now, let loose fillers, parts that have no context regarding the story, unnecessary dialogues, ease complicated descriptions.

The intelligent actions you deliver should shine within a tidy and precise storyline, cut, cut, cut. Then those fine moments you present would be gold.

Good framework. Lots of potential. Damn I really like some of the twists and dialogues in the last act. Thumb up.


@to be fair, here, I actually think those supernatural elements weren't allowed, so def a little minus in my book

I was a big fan of the original film, had a great schlocky feel to it... had hopes for this then...

But, this just didn;t float my boat. Felt overwritten and full of logic holes.

it does however meet the criteria I think so congrats on that.

I haven't read any other feedback from this for the moment.  It also is the first script I'm reviewing for this OWC.

First, right off the cuff, I know you'll change the title page to put your own name on it after the OWC, but, that said the Dirty Harry quote with the copyright notice rubs me the wrong way. Hopefully the script is better than that banal greeting.

Seems to be a few more characters than the required limit, and if one of the men is Carl, why not just have him slugged as Carl? Not that it mattered to me much. All these guys were parroting one another in f bombs and stereotypical intruders. We don't know much about them, the reasons behind motive seem so flimsy Becca even calls them out on it. So predictably, no-name  home invaders attempting to terrorize a witch is about equal to cannon fodder. They serve one purpose: to die and/or be dismembered, and then forgotten.

Then a, ahem, twist. Well, it reads like one. A bad one. What a high note to end this on. The red glowing eyes cliche which is overused to say the least in most horror specs...

The OWC was a doozie, I'll give you that. so much so even I chose not to enter because the restrictions were rough. But this didn't seem to have much thought in it.

Writer,

Not sure why she Becca calls mom when this is all over - don't know what mom can do about this mess now. Other than that, I kinda liked it, but with no clue as to the backstory there's pretty much nothing to go on. I get her father being who he was, but it seems as if everyone in town knows who Becca is, which leads to a logic issue of why Becca is choosing to live there in the first place. But, this was kind of fun, pretty decent pacing and some fun slicing and dicing. Not bad, writer!

Steve

The story bookends with a phone conversation with Becca's mother. Her mother, who may or may not exist, is worried about her. But we don't know why.

She has this "force" within her that wants to be released to aid her. It's a bad thing, so Becca doesn't want to release it. How she came to possess it -- or it posses her -- is due to a spell her father found. Becca got it because at the time of the discovery her mother was pregnant with her. There has to be a simpler, cleaner, way for her to become possessed.

The men's motivation to kill Becca is muddled. First, Man One claims her father killed his mom. Then it turns out this isn't true. Then it turns out they don't really care whether her father murdered anyone at all. Apparently they're just interested in killing satan worshipers, and Becca won't be the first. But then they admit they don't really care if she is a satan worshipper or not.

They tracked down Becca thanks to facial recognition. How would two thugs have access to that resource at a level that would have to encompass the entire population of the country?

Hey guys,
    I wrote this one.  I wanted to thank each person who read and another thanks for each comment.  I did get some good stuff here.

I actually thought it was gonna get graded harsher than it did.  I thought it was awful.  Perhaps that's a sign that I'm "getting it" in that I could spot the issues before I submitted it.

It was funny, but, usually, following a vision isn't hard for me, I write what I "see" in my mind's eye.  But, for this one, I had terrible writers' block.  I couldn't see anything, so, I was writing it without any vision at all.  It was hard...

I love horror, but, am not a huge gore fan.  I was at Blockbuster one day, in the horror section, and I picked up the jacket.  I was well aware of Gordon's other "hits" (lovingly) called stuff like "Color me Blood Red", "Gore Gore Girls", "Three on a Meat Hook" and the (somewhat) famous "Two Thousand Maniacs" (which the band 10,000 maniacs got their name from), so, I knew what he was about.

However, the jacket sounded really awesome.  A magician mutilates people onstage, but, the audience doesn't see it.  But, when you think the girls are dead, they appear to be fine, and go back to the audience and go on with their lives.  That is, until they are found later that day dead in the same way we saw on stage.

So, the question is, is he killing them and the illusion is him hiding this fact and having them walk out, or is the illusion the murder on stage and someone else is killing them, and if so, why??

Or is something far more sinister going on.  

So, to me, that sounded really interesting.  This was at the time that Showtime was showing the "famous" B and C movies (like Brain Dead and Basket Case) so, it was on one night.  

Funny story, but, I told my sis not to make popcorn.  She did.  She ate one bite and that was it.  She threw the rest out...

To this day, she won't even talk about that movie.

But, to me, the movie was such a letdown and hard to follow.  And I always had the belief that if this was gonna be successful. the character would have to be likable and be put into a terrible spot.

So, this is one of my second or third tier ideas for movies.  She's his daughter, and she's trying to lead a good life and get into magic, and keep the demon at bay.  But, she gets terrorized and I wanted the audience to agonize her choice to give in.  

Clearly, I didn't do that justice here, 9 pages and only 4 people isn't a lot of time to do everything.  

I do think writing these shorts is helping me write clearer for features.  This plot was simple, but, still too complex for a short...

I might make a rewrite on this, once I've sold something, but, this isn't one of my better ideas.  

I do think there's a story someplace, and honestly, I'm not sure I even need to call it the Daughter of Gore or make a reference to the Wizard of Gore.  That way, I don't have to pay his estate anything.  

I saw they redid this not long ago (the Wizard) so, who knows, they might do a sequel someday...

Each comment was spot on.  Like I said, I thought I entered crap, and thanks to everyone who didn't agree with me.  I guess it's better than thinking I turned in something good (like my first 2 entries) and they ended up being bad...

What do you think?  Scrap the rewrite or go for it?  Scrap the Wizard connection or keep it?

Thanks
Dan