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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  It's Killer - OWC
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  Author    It's Killer - OWC  (currently 562 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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It's Killer by Paul Stanley - Short, Comedy - When it's too hot to even think, sometimes a serial killer needs more than just death. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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Lol - nice one writer. It's tough to get suspense in a comedy but you managed it.

This meets the criteria in my opinion. It reads more like a comedy sketch than a short story, but it works.

-Mark


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MGray
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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The writing is admirably visual and propelled me forward through the short.
One line that stuck with me: "He holds a large butcher knife." It feels flat for such a critical line. Something like "wields" instead of "holds" would liven it up. Or show him wielding it above his head ready to plunge.

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Lightfoot
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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You got suspense nailed, but I'm not really seeing the heat aspect in here though apart from the woman sunbathing.

Nice story though, written well, and was funny enough for me.
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JEStaats
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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Ugh, you had me until he plunged the knife into her. I would've liked it more if he just got the girl. Otherwise, it read well and no complaints.

Good effort!
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eldave1
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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Very well written for sure. The story just didnít do it for me though.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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I have two guesses as to who wrote this.

Fun fact: KISS did a song called "Killer." Coincidence or intentional?

Friday the 13th? I'm in.

"Ghoul s   snatches it"

Short, sweet, scary, funny. I love it! Congratulations. And please consider reuniting with Ace and Peter again.


FADE IN:
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Well written with nice visuals. You met the challenge with suspense without dialogue.
Maybe later you might turn this into something a little longer? Maybe even a feature?
Congrats on a job well done.
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 6:17am Report to Moderator
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I liked the hunk screaming like a girl.

Itís a simple sketch, meets the criteria.

Didnít do much else for me, but strangely I feel there is a good longer sketch in there, lingering more with the dynamics between the three of them. Ignore the bartender.


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Cam Gray
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 6:53am Report to Moderator
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Writerrrrr,

Funny writing, interesting concept (had a similar advertising style OWC entry not that long ago), it didn't really make much sense but I had fun reading it.

Nice one,

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Anon
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Not much of a story here so hard to give feedback. It's an advert parody I suppose? I just didn't get it. And I wouldn't usually post something without constructive feedback, but the reason I'm posting, is because I'd really like to know what the writer was going for here. So it's got my interest - and that's good. When writers are revealed I'd like to hear what this writer has to say about it.  
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Zack
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Pretty well written, it could work as a weird commercial for Gatorade. No real story, but it did meet the parameters.

Good effort.

Zack


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Paul Stanley - Ha!!!!

Check out your opening passage - 2 completely different actions, unless this portable bar is right next to the pool.  Should be broken up, anyways.

If the Hottie is literally lying on the flagstone, her skin is fucked, cuz that stuff is HOT!!!!

When you have a POV, you need to return to scene.

Return of the Speedo!  YES!!!

Oh boy...a commercial?  With a violent killing at the end.  Riiiight...

Nope, not at all for me.  There's nothing here and this was a complete waste for me.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 12:15am Report to Moderator
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Well, for a two page skit, you went big enough on your comedy, but I dind't find it funny.  Not much of a story here... either.

Ghostie


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realxwriter
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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I liked what you did here with the ending. But I wish you have stretched this tale a little longer. Nice attempt. You got talent and experience too.
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