SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 15th, 2019, 11:59pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
Final Standings

Round Five (5) Standings Posted




Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Killer Vibes - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Killer Vibes - OWC  (currently 467 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:23am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13129
Posts Per Day
1.95
Killer Vibes by 0 - Short, Action - Sent to a music festival to perform a hit, a reluctant assassin struggles with both the mission and the unknown foe that stalkes her. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
DarkSide546
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 11:08am Report to Moderator
New-ish


I'm an alien disguised as a squirrel.

Location
Some part of the world.
Posts
29
Posts Per Day
0.08
This one is my favorite script so far. It has a good interesting story and is something I would watch. I hope to see this on screen someday.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 20
Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11035
Posts Per Day
2.60
Title Page is a dead giveaway that this is going to be problematic, with the "cutesy" little blurb about the permission issue.  Not the way to begin a serious script.

No clue what's happening on Page 1.  You transition with a Mini Slug from Carla's house to some road.   How does that work?  Then, you have Carla staring at him (from inside her house, even though we're now on a road, and then this Mr Grey walks through a faceless cloaked figure?  WTF?

What is a "draw"?

I'm just completely lost.  So, this 25 year old chick, Carla, is an assassin, and her hit happens to be at some giant music festival, that just so happens to be in the same city that she lives?  And we have some cloaked figure walking through peeps randomly.  Really?  Oh...and she just so happens to have a special tent set up at the is music festival?  Wow...

OK, wait...there are all sorts of tents at the music festival, huh?  Where the heck are we?

I'm pretty clueless to what this is supposed to be, but 1 thing I'm very clear on is that it's not for me in any way.  You have Slugs of NIGHT, then DAY, and then back to NIGHT, but they seem to be going on at the same time, which makes no sense.  Carla 2?  WTF?  No clue.

Not for me, sorry to say.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  August 6th, 2018, 9:25am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 20
eldave1
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
4739
Posts Per Day
2.62
I got to draw the line somewhere. There is absolutely no connection of the story or the characters to hot or cold. This:


Quoted Text
In the warm sunshine Carla sets up the chair, opens a slim
file and sits down to read. Inside is a small card.


Is as close as it gets and it's not near enough, IMO.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

Revision History (1 edits)
eldave1  -  August 11th, 2018, 11:28am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 20
Angry Bear
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 10:11am Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6613
Posts Per Day
1.59
I liked it. It was an easy read and kept me interested.

I don't think the flashback is necessary. It would work just as well without it.

I definitely saw suspense, but not much of any summer heat.

Good job though. I liked it.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 20
Cam Gray
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 10:30am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Laaaaannnndddaaaan (London)
Posts
628
Posts Per Day
0.49
Whilst I disagree with Dave's weather Nazi angle,  this one doesn't seem overly hot so not sure it qualifies.

The story really does roam. We've got 6 full pages and it just puts on it's hiking boots and rambles all over the place, making questionable sense as it goes. In fact you've gone so far into the page count that there's no room for a FADE OUT or END.

The writing was alright and the author seems to know how to create a story, but I think you've tried to flood the 6 pages and so we end up lost. At least I got lost, could be my fault but don't think so.

Well done for entering,

Cam


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 20
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 10:43am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
1567
Posts Per Day
0.69
I agree that the summer heat link is tenuous at best her but man, what a script. I love this. You've taken an assassination story and given it a great original spin. 6 pages and you even fit in the backstory.

This shows imagination and creativity.

My favourtite by far so far. Well done writer, well done.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 20
eldave1
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 11:44am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
4739
Posts Per Day
2.62

Quoted from Cam Gray
Whilst I disagree with Dave's weather Nazi angle,

Cam


You gave the laugh of the day - thanks. If I wouldn't lose track of my threads from changing my user name I would no doubt change it from eldave1 to Weather Nazi

Damn - I could have even used that as a title for a script. Where were you when I needed the inspiration!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 20
Cam Gray
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 11:47am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Laaaaannnndddaaaan (London)
Posts
628
Posts Per Day
0.49

Quoted from eldave1


You gave the laugh of the day - thanks. If I wouldn't lose track of my threads from changing my user name I would no doubt change it from eldave1 to Weather Nazi

Damn - I could have even used that as a title for a script. Where were you when I needed the inspiration!


Haha, kinda stolen/influenced off Sienfeld but I'll claim it!! Just another success from the Cam Gray Nickname Generator TM


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 20
eldave1
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 11:54am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
4739
Posts Per Day
2.62

Quoted from Cam Gray


Haha, kinda stolen/influenced off Sienfeld but I'll claim it!! Just another success from the Cam Gray Nickname Generator TM


No heat for you! Next!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 20
stevie
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Down Under
Posts
3185
Posts Per Day
0.82
As well as no weather input, there would be snippets of dialogue within the crowd so two birds lol

Very ambitious for a 6 pager and written pretty well. But I think it tries to be too mysterious and ethereal for its own good.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 20
ChrisBodily
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 4:49am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
443
Posts Per Day
0.26
Right out of the gate: It "stalks", not "stalkes".

This better be 1000x better than "Too Hot," which couldn't have lived up to its title less. In other words, if I make it past page 2, pat yourself on the back.

@Jeff, fuck you, I like the copyright notice. The font, not so much. I'd stick with 12pt Courier.

That being said, I would have capitalized "This screenplay," and I most certainly would have avoided the two spaces before the exclamation points.

Bold slugs? Some like 'em, some hate 'em.

Does the music festival have a name? Like Woodstock? Altamont? Monterey? Lollapalooza? Coachella? Warped Tour? OzzFest?

Is this regular Courier? "a" and "s" look weird.

"long[-]range"


Quoted Text
A sniper’s cross hairs on his head.


"crosshairs" is one word. Regardless, this reads awkward.


Quoted Text
MR[.] GREY


Grey? Is this gonna be... Oh, he's 65. Couldn't be THAT Mr. Grey, unless this is the AARP version... 50 Shades of Actual Grey.

Why is "through" in italics? Nothing should be in italics, ever.


Quoted Text
Like the ghost from A Christmas Carol.


Be specific. It's The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come (or Future). Remember, there are four ghosts, if you count Jacob Marley and don't count Scrooge himself. Also, I would put this at the end of the previous paragraph.


Quoted Text
Carla sits on the bed, the target photo alongside [her].


Reads better.

Is Carla Batgirl?


Quoted Text
Her face softens, as an old memory returns.


Remember, we can't hear her thoughts unless you show us, either visually or auditorily.


Quoted Text
She delves into a draw, finds a necklace made of beads.


You mean a "drawer"? A draw means a fight that neither side won. Or it means (as a verb) to draw something.

"Buzzing" with excitement, alcohol or insects?


Quoted Text
An excited crowd queues to enter.


Huh? I'd change "queues" to "waits".

"Rucksack"? Why not just call it a backpack?


Quoted Text
Carla, carrying a rucksack and dressed in colourful clothing, plus the necklace, heads through security.


Remove that modifier and your sentence will read better. You can add the necklace in a separate sentence.

What is a pre-assembled tent? Don't you have to set them up?


Quoted Text
In the warm sunshine[,] Carla sets up the chair, opens a slim file and sits down to read. Inside is a small card.


Carla sets the warm sunshine up on the chair? "Inside" of what "is a small card"?


Quoted Text
LAUGHTER [no comma] from some FESTIVALGOER’S [cause] her to look up.


Very unprofessional grammar. This is clearly a first draft. Not sure if English is your native language.

I would cap the ROCK BAND.


Quoted Text
Carla, 12, and her MOTHER, (40, an older version of Carla)


Literally? As in the same actress?

Flashback sequence? You just did a montage.

"semi[-]conscious"

Okay, your English is better than I suspected, but you still need to work on punctuation.

It's "Mr." with a period.

What officials?

Who or what is Yurt?


Quoted Text
A sprawling field of YURT’S.


Redundant. Scratch it out.


Quoted Text
Lots of ‘happy campers’.


Is that sarcasm?

Hawk capitalized? Why? Hawk lenses? Ethan Hawke?

If I were you, I'd remind readers who Joseph is, since you've only mentioned him once up to this point and then forgot about him.

Any specific beer? Bud? Coors? Corona? Jägermeister?

Just "Joseph" or his full name? Good luck with Google, then.

Google says a yurt is a portable tent. Never heard of it. Why is it capitalized? Proper noun?

"Friends" capitalized? The TV show?

"Carla 2"??? WTF are you even talking about? If this weren't the last page, I'd bail.

Which Carla is which? Tell us.

"headphones" is one word. And I hope they're good ones.

"Walkers"? Is this a Walking Dead crossover?


Quoted Text
Behind, Mr Grey collapses off the bench.


And then what happens? No FADE OUT? No THE END?

The writing is clearly a first draft, and the story is meh.


FADE IN:
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 20
StevenClark
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1855
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

Maybe it's me, maybe it's late. I just couldn't get a handle what was going on or why. I didn't get the references to young Carla, or why she had a last minute change of mind. Or any of it, truth be told. Nice effort getting one in, but the story was lost on me.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 20
Anon
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
151
Posts Per Day
0.14
For me the summer heat thing is an issue when judging. If writer don't stick to the brief, they could just put any old short they already have in.

Having said that - I'm sure that's not what's happened here. I quite liked the end but you really need to make this easier to follow.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 20
SteveUK
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
UK
Posts
212
Posts Per Day
0.06
I don’t see any real connection to the ‘Summer heat’ theme here - yes, it’s set during the summer but the heat doesn’t play any role in the story.

I think this has potential - I liked the twist ending and think this could definitely be expanded to a longer short, it just doesn’t really fit into this challenge.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 20
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    July 2018 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006