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Die, Fluffy, Die - Aquapussy by S. I. Lentz - Short, Comedy - During the dog days of summer, Max the beagle must invade the neighbor's backyard to escape the sweltering sun. The only thing stopping him is an adorable kitten named Fluffy. - pdf format
This is a nice little animated short. Great idea to tackle this challenge.
I have no complaints about the action, it's visual and full of character.
I have to wonder, who is this for? Because you STRAIGHT UP MURDER A CAT. Sure, it all works out in the end, but as much as Max didn't mean to kill it, Cassie returns to see her wet, dead cat at Max's feet and she's only a little put out by it? And she gets over it when Fluffy licks Max's paw? What message are you trying to send to kids???
Good thing cats have nine lives. I don't think you should be sending that message to kids either though...
The title seems to be a total pisser, and this really isn't. It's quite good, aside from the whole murder thing.
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Anyways it didn't work for me and I thought Pia mentioned no animation at the start but maybe I'm wrong.
The story itself was cute too cute although you had the death of the cat which is in line with every Disney film... someone dies but unlike Disney the cat didn't really die. Would have had a more somber and better ending for me. I just don't like Hollywood everything has to be happy in the end.
I was expecting an Austin Powers style adventure for animals with the title but it was cute and would make a nice animated adventure. As it would be animated, I think your could up the wackiness to Tom & Jerry style proportions so it is more like a comedy but you only had 6 pages and managed to fit in a lot so, that's just a suggestion.
Nicely done, I liked it
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Well, wasn't this cute? Not bad at all really. What better way to tackle a no dialogue script than with non human characters? kinda eliminates the need to use any sort of dialogue at all. Smart choice. anyway, I enjoyed this a lot. Writing was easy to follow, and a fun story-line. Good job!
The last read for me, so, as is usually the case, this will get an extra detailed review. Aren't you thrilled?
I left this for last, based on the title, which for me, is truly awful, and maybe even 1 of the worst titles I've ever come across. But, it appears to be a comedy...about animals, so we'll see.
Right off the bat, because your software shows your scenes on the left of the page (unless the reader closes it), I see we have 23 scenes in a 6 page script, which is alot, to say the least. I also see you have a blank Page 7, which is a shame, because it just shows you didn't pay much attention before submitting.
So, here we go!!!
Opening passage has an error, and it's something I've brought up so many times, I just don't get how peeps keep making it. When you have a character description, it must be set off with commas...as in before and after, then you go into your action. Make sense?
It appears this would most likely have to be animated, but then we have a cartoon sun? That doesn't work at all for me, whether or not this is animated. But wait...didn't Pia say animation was out? I'll have to check.
Also, if you're inserting something (which isn't correct here at all), you simply return to scene, not write the same Slug again. The reason this isn't an INSERT, is because it's not really part of the Slug, MAX'S BACKYARD. It would be SKY or something like that.
Oh boy...I was really hoping this cartoon sun would be a one and done, but here he is again. I personally do not like this at all.
BACKYARD FENCE is not a new Slug - it's part of the current Slug, actually. You're using it as a Mini Slug, and that's just not correct.
You're using NEIGHBOR'S YARD as another Mini Slug, and although I can understand why, it's not really the correct way to go, as (IMO) Mini Slugs only really work in a structure with multiple rooms. The neighbor's backyard is a completely different locale, and should have it's own full Slug...BUT, here, the way you're "showing" it, Max's POV would actually be best (and, I rarely suggest using POV's, but here, it's perfect).
"WTF" - Really? Oh man...that is soooooo out of place here.
So, then you have the Slug, "NEIGHBOR'S YARD - CONTINUOUS". Why use a time element this time? And what follows is not part of that Slug at all - it's a POV again, that you're actually showing. And then you go for a Subject Slug. I don't know...
And another Subject Slug of the WATER BOWL just isn't necessary to me. Now I know why you have so many scenes showing up.
"Does his best impression of a rhododendron." - HA! Funny!
The FANTASY SEQUENCE is funny!
The cartoon light bulb is DEFINITELY not an INSERT.
How did Max get to the neighbor's front porch? He's not fenced in the backyard? Of course he would be, but I get this is a cartoon of sorts, but still, this is a little out of left field for me.
Top of Page 5, you repeat the Slug we're already in. Actually, as written, this would simply be LATER.
Then, you use POND as a Slug. Nothing wrong with that, but you should have used it earlier, when the action was in the pond.
Last Slug is a new one, but it's the same place we've been numerous times - POND, but now it's labeled as NEIGHBOR'S POND - keep Slugs the same.
All in all, this is very cute and even enjoyable. Writing is good, but there are issues as pointed out. Again, I'm not sure animated cartoons were allowed, but if they were, it's a great way to handle a no dialogue script.
If I were you, I'd immediately change the title, as it really sounds like this script is going to suck the high hard one.
This script does not suck, though, and actually, it's quite good. Nice job.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.