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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Die, Fluffy, Die - Aquapussy - OWC
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  Author    Die, Fluffy, Die - Aquapussy - OWC  (currently 595 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Die, Fluffy, Die - Aquapussy by S. I. Lentz - Short, Comedy - During the dog days of summer, Max the beagle must invade the neighbor's backyard to escape the sweltering sun.  The only thing stopping him is an adorable kitten named Fluffy. - pdf format

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Cam Gray
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

I predict this one is gonna wind some people up (not naming any names), but it was alright for me.

I see it is as a Pixar short before a feature, that was my visualisation anyway. It says comedy but I didn't find it that funny, more cute, but I guess that's not a genre, and it's hardly a drama.

Formatting, get your dream sequences to begin and finish correctly, also there's a stray blank page at the end.

It was fluffy, cute and vaguely entertaining. Certainly different, as I say it falls into the "alright" category for myself.

Cam


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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was "cute", too.
I think it could also work as a cartoon.
There's not enough cartoons for the kids anymore.

It was a good read.
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
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JEStaats
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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A cute little story. Reminds me of a Pixar short that might play before a feature. I've an idea who may have written this but the guessing game will have to wait.

Good job, writer. Not an easy undertaking.

Post script: HA! I just read Cam's review and thought it funny that we envisioned the same Pixar-esque short. Great minds....
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ReneC
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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This is a nice little animated short. Great idea to tackle this challenge.

I have no complaints about the action, it's visual and full of character.

I have to wonder, who is this for? Because you STRAIGHT UP MURDER A CAT. Sure, it all works out in the end, but as much as Max didn't mean to kill it, Cassie returns to see her wet, dead cat at Max's feet and she's only a little put out by it? And she gets over it when Fluffy licks Max's paw? What message are you trying to send to kids???

Good thing cats have nine lives. I don't think you should be sending that message to kids either though...

The title seems to be a total pisser, and this really isn't. It's quite good, aside from the whole murder thing.

Wait...where was the suspense?


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Ooh ooh can I have a guess at the writer.....

Really good stuff.

A few scenes, quick cuts that lost me, but solid work.

Itís simple. Nothing too deep but it works.

Well done.

Probably a top 5


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irish eyes
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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The title doesn't match the script at all.

I was expecting horrorfest underwater  porn

Anyways it didn't work for me and I thought Pia mentioned no animation at the start but maybe I'm wrong.

The story itself was cute too cute although you had the death of the cat which is in line with every Disney film... someone dies  but unlike Disney the cat didn't really die. Would have had a more somber and better  ending for me. I just don't like Hollywood everything has to be happy in the end.

good job on entering


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 4:29am Report to Moderator
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I was expecting an Austin Powers style adventure for animals with the title but it was cute and would make a nice animated adventure. As it would be animated, I think your could up the wackiness to Tom & Jerry style proportions so it is more like a comedy but you only had 6 pages and managed to fit in a lot so, that's just a suggestion.

Nicely done, I liked it

-Mark


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eldave1
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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How was this not titled: "Save the Cat"???

Writing - solid. And, the writer expertly handles a lot of very difficult situations and visuals. This was very clear where in the hands of a less talented writer could have been very confusing.

Wasn't crazy about the cat dying even though it came back to like - seemed liked to much of a tonal shift.

Solid effort. Certainly met the parameter - good job, writer.


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Anon
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was good. Writing this stuff is more difficult than it seems, I think.

My only feedback, I think with a couple of edits it could be shorter and end with -

"Max lies in Fluffy's spot at the mini electric fan.  His floppy ears blow in the breeze."

You could make Fluffy a little more evil and end with Max victorious - end of. But hey, someone's always got a different vision. Good stuff.
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StevenClark
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Well, wasn't this cute? Not bad at all really. What better way to tackle a no dialogue script than with non human characters? kinda eliminates the need to use any sort of dialogue at all. Smart choice. anyway, I enjoyed this a lot. Writing was easy to follow, and a fun story-line. Good job!

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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The last read for me, so, as is usually the case, this will get an extra detailed review.  Aren't you thrilled?  

I left this for last, based on the title, which for me, is truly awful, and maybe even 1 of the worst titles I've ever come across.  But, it appears to be a comedy...about animals, so we'll see.

Right off the bat, because your software shows your scenes on the left of the page (unless the reader closes it), I see we have 23 scenes in a 6 page script, which is alot, to say the least.  I also see you have a blank Page 7, which is a shame, because it just shows you didn't pay much attention before submitting.

So, here we go!!!

Opening passage has an error, and it's something I've brought up so many times, I just don't get how peeps keep making it.  When you have a character description, it must be set off with commas...as in before and after, then you go into your action.  Make sense?

It appears this would most likely have to be animated, but then we have a cartoon sun?  That doesn't work at all for me, whether or not this is animated.  But wait...didn't Pia say animation was out?  I'll have to check.

Also, if you're inserting something (which isn't correct here at all), you simply return to scene, not write the same Slug again.  The reason this isn't an INSERT, is because it's not really part of the Slug, MAX'S BACKYARD.  It would be SKY or something like that.

Oh boy...I was really hoping this cartoon sun would be a one and done, but here he is again.  I personally do not like this at all.

BACKYARD FENCE is not a new Slug - it's part of the current Slug, actually.  You're using it as a Mini Slug, and that's just not correct.

You're using NEIGHBOR'S YARD as another Mini Slug, and although I can understand why, it's not really the correct way to go, as (IMO) Mini Slugs only really work in a structure with multiple rooms.  The neighbor's backyard is a completely different locale, and should have it's own full Slug...BUT, here, the way you're "showing" it, Max's POV would actually be best (and, I rarely suggest using POV's, but here, it's perfect).

"WTF" - Really?  Oh man...that is soooooo out of place here.

So, then you have the Slug, "NEIGHBOR'S YARD - CONTINUOUS".  Why use a time element this time?  And what follows is not part of that Slug at all - it's a POV again, that you're actually showing.  And then you go for a Subject Slug.  I don't know...

And another Subject Slug of the WATER BOWL  just isn't necessary to me.  Now I know why you have so many scenes showing up.

"Does his best impression of a rhododendron." - HA!  Funny!

The FANTASY SEQUENCE is funny!

The cartoon light bulb is DEFINITELY not an INSERT.

How did Max get to the neighbor's front porch?  He's not fenced in the backyard?  Of course he would be, but I get this is a cartoon of sorts, but still, this is a little out of left field for me.

Top of Page 5, you repeat the Slug we're already in.  Actually, as written, this would simply be LATER.

Then, you use POND as a Slug.  Nothing wrong with that, but you should have used it earlier, when the action was in the pond.

Last Slug is a new one, but it's the same place we've been numerous times - POND, but now it's labeled as NEIGHBOR'S POND - keep Slugs the same.

All in all, this is very cute and even enjoyable.  Writing is good, but there are issues as pointed out.  Again, I'm not sure animated cartoons were allowed, but if they were, it's a great way to handle a no dialogue script.

If I were you, I'd immediately change the title, as it really sounds like this script is going to suck the high hard one.

This script does not suck, though, and actually, it's quite good.  Nice job.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  August 14th, 2018, 8:11am
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey yo,

strange title (at least not boring, so, very okay), logline seems all right, just make it one sentence

p1 This seems to be a live-action film/animation hybrid, interesting.

Okay, wasn't very sure which parts were "real" then, if any- a lot seems hard to accomlish with real animals. But if possible, those constant switches could be fun to watch.

All in all, I could see this concept in children television. It works 100% and has this certain well-minded spirit that small children entertainment requires. Good job. I like it.



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Lightfoot
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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This will certainly make a good cartoon short.

Writing was very well done, I've read 5 pagers for this challenge that seemed like a chore, but this I was able to breeze through.

Good job.
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CameronD
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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Why is the sun such a dick?

WTF is WTF doing in your descriptions?

Too much direction for me. Fluffy sits. Max looks up. Max looks down. Max stares. Cut it back a little I would say.

Who is Cassie? Young girl I guess since you use a female preposition for her. But I know little else beyond her age.

Not much of a story and not really fun. As a kids cartoon the comedy may come the over the tip character reactions, but from the script there is very little.


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