Welcome to the school of OWC hard knocks. Can feel a bit rough.

First off, you entered a script.

Second it has acontianed scene- thatreally helps if you want it filmed.

Next wrist conflict - heavies , church, others etc

My tips would be to

Nail Down format

Cleanse any writing of what is not essential , characters and description wise. If you ale away a character, can the story still work etc

Be clear on the story and how people will felt the end

Shorts usually need a twist, finale, best is one that’s not ash to see

Best of luck

Not entirely sure what went on here and not sure what it had to do with the theme of the challenge.

Almost reads as if it's been plucked out from a larger project with all of the dialogue removed.

I liked the setting and the mysterious nature of it to a point, but not much else I'm afraid.  

Not for me.

For the best part of this script, I didn't have any idea where the story was heading. You didn't establish a clear goal from the beginning.  And the last bit was confusing. So if they tranquilized Jake what happened to his armed men? The ending was a bit confusing and I didn't know what to make of it.

Thank you for participating.

Writer, this was originally submitted in Final Draft format and then resubmitted as PDF. Bad start right there.

I usually wouldn't say this, but you've lost me on the title page. If you can't write a good title page, why should I believe you can write a good script?

This is the worst kind of rookie mistake you can make. I've read several terrible scripts this month, but this takes the cake. And I thought "Quantam (sic) Leap" was the Flub of the Century.

Sorry, I can't bear it.

The title page ....

This reads really heavy...could try trimming it down some. If the descriptions do not do anything to build the world, build the character or move the story forward... they need to be cut out. This will make it read faster/easier.

There are visual gaps throughout the story. Like one second Raymond is in the car... and then the next he's walking thru the church doors.

Seems like this funeral goes on way longer than normal.. and do funerals usually take place at dusk/evening? I cannot remember ever going to one at night.. we have been to showings and funeral homes at night though.

I am not sure what this story is about. Is it about a burial? Or about a shootout in the church. It isn't quite clear who are the main characters.

Good on completing an owc.