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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    June 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Fuck Donkey Kong - June 2011 OWC
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  Author    Fuck Donkey Kong - June 2011 OWC  (currently 3678 views)
Don
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fuck Donkey Kong by Scott McCoy - Short, Action - Two college losers take a game of Mario Kart 64 a little too seriously.  9 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  June 4th, 2011, 7:01pm
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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Not a bad effort, there was a light amusing moment with the Rainbow March (but shouldn't it be in June, not July?) but overall....aside from the pitbull and the action becoming campy, the requirements of the OWC were more or less met. Could I get involved in this little tale? Not really- the potty mouths made it distracting, and it is almost as if that is the extent of the characters' vocabulary.



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leitskev
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Second script I've read, and pretty sure I know both writers. Not a bad thing, just weird.

formatting: precise

writing: efficient and effective

originality: depends on what's really going on here

story: No protagonist, no theme that I could detect. I guess Greg's a protag, but we don't know anything about him except he's good at video games, so hard to really call him a protag.

I am really starting to think the problem with this OWC was the direction to make action. I'm not sure what the action requirement was, but I suspect most people felt there should be at least half the pages consisting of action. Which didn't leave room for interesting story development, or interesting characters.

This story seems to be about a chase that parallels a video game. Unless there is something more going on, like for example they are in some kind of virtual game world, this kind of started to come off like an episode of Family Guy, like the ones where Peter fights the chicken. As they fight, everything but the kitchen sink gets thrown in, and maybe that too.

I wonder if people would have done better if the instructions had been "have at least one strong action scene" in the script. I feel like all these scripts are gonna look like the Cannon Ball Run. Big long chase scenes, or fight sequences.

The problem here is I can't tell if it's supposed to serious(it starts with a gun pointed, and the gun is soon fired) or light hearted(the chase seems to be aiming at humor).

Well, the story was very well written, at least demonstrates the technical ability of the writer to create action script. So hopefully this was just a diversion for the writer, who is otherwise busy working on more serious work!

Kevin
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abelorfao
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, Scott. I've just read your script and here are my thoughts.

Overall, I found this to be a fun light read. It reminded me of the fits my older brother would have any time I beat him in a video game, although he was nice enough not to hold a pistol to my temple.

Speaking of which, I'm not sure you should start the story with Perkins holding the gun to Greg's head. While it's possible Greg is used to Perkins acting in outlandish ways, I don't think anyone would act so calm with a gun to their head. I think having Perkins pull out the gun after he loses the video game would get around this problem and also highlight just how unhinged he's become from the constant losing.

This may be a reflection of my own attitude, but I found much of the swearing unnecessary and a distraction. I can accept Perkins raving like a lunatic but, for some reason, having both the bossy kid and the policeman swear like sailors bothered me quite a bit. Also, did you really mean for the electrician to be 110 years old? If so, he must really love his job.

I hope this response helps you, Scott, and good luck with your script.
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c m hall
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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Very enjoyable to read but needs a better logline.  
SPOILERS
In my opinion Greg can function in the world and takes pleasure in it, he's not a loser.
Perkins... wow, evil!

One of my favorite scripts, so far.
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grademan
Posted: June 5th, 2011, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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FUCK DONKEY KONG

ACTION:      Kampy
BUDGET:     jumping thru windows, bicycle chase scenes

I liked the way this played out in the video world and the real world. Is it Greg or Craig? The raw language was first hard to listen to but then I remembered the title.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 5th, 2011, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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With a title like "Fuck Donkey Kong", and an opening line of "You fucking cunt.", I wasn't sure what to expect here.  Overall, I'm pleasantly surprised.

I think the use of the gun and the actual shooting is a bit overboard and kind of confuses the humorous nature here, but I do understand the intent.

I agree there is a bit too much swearing, but only because of the little kid also swearing.  If it's only Perkins, that's cool, but when everyone starts in, it doesn't ring true.

The writing itself is good mostly, but there are a number of passive phrases that don't sound goods at all.  And, it's funny, cause it's not the usual "ing" variety.  "is pointed" "is muscular" - both in the first few opening lines.  After that, it gets much better, but the point is that it's so important not to start this way.  If this occurred further in, I wouldn't even notice it, probably.  Page 1 is very important.

The race across campus was pretty well done and I like how you integrated things from the actual game.

I didn't like or understadn why Perkins keeps calling Greg, Craig.  He obviously knows him pretty well, so I'd lose this, if I were you.

Pretty good effort here!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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wonkavite
Posted: June 5th, 2011, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Cute idea for a gimmick, but it didn't work for me.  

Too far out of the range of believability (even given the topic) - and the comedy felt forced.  Maybe I would have gotten more out of it if I ever played Mario Brothers myself, but without those references I was just left with over the top scenes, and gratuitous swearing.  

Nut sack?  Come on guys...  

Cheers at any rate...!

--Wonkavite
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Ryan1
Posted: June 5th, 2011, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was well formatted and structured.  Definitely came off more as campy comedy, which I thought was one of the no-no's.

And having a seven year old say this:

"Your momís a shit eater and a slut."  wow

This is like a companion piece to the Quarter script, except this story used Mario Kart.  The action got repetitive, but it did have some funny moments.  A 110 year old electrician?  Was the guy a close personal friend of Thomas Edison?

But the script had good pace to it.  Ending was okay, but I I can't say I cared for either of these characters.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: June 5th, 2011, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from leitskev
Second script I've read, and pretty sure I know both writers. Not a bad thing, just weird.

formatting: precise

writing: efficient and effective

originality: depends on what's really going on here

story: No protagonist, no theme that I could detect. I guess Greg's a protag, but we don't know anything about him except he's good at video games, so hard to really call him a protag.

I am really starting to think the problem with this OWC was the direction to make action. I'm not sure what the action requirement was, but I suspect most people felt there should be at least half the pages consisting of action. Which didn't leave room for interesting story development, or interesting characters.

This story seems to be about a chase that parallels a video game. Unless there is something more going on, like for example they are in some kind of virtual game world, this kind of started to come off like an episode of Family Guy, like the ones where Peter fights the chicken. As they fight, everything but the kitchen sink gets thrown in, and maybe that too.

I wonder if people would have done better if the instructions had been "have at least one strong action scene" in the script. I feel like all these scripts are gonna look like the Cannon Ball Run. Big long chase scenes, or fight sequences.

The problem here is I can't tell if it's supposed to serious(it starts with a gun pointed, and the gun is soon fired) or light hearted(the chase seems to be aiming at humor).

Well, the story was very well written, at least demonstrates the technical ability of the writer to create action script. So hopefully this was just a diversion for the writer, who is otherwise busy working on more serious work!

Kevin


Well, Kevin. I read your comment because it's worth more to me than wasting time on a script that begins on that first wanker line because I just think it's a waste and a cheap way to try and grab attention. It didn't work for me at all and I quickly hit close. What did I expect from a title like that anyways? Well, perhaps I was swayed by the fact that, I Want to Fuck Your Sister was such a good script. But it didn't have that cheap feel.

Sandra





A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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mcornetto
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 2:23am Report to Moderator
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After Sandra's rave review, I had to read this -- and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised.  I liked it.  A clever little action story.  A little heavy on the language but I don't mind that as much as others do.  

The main issues I had with it were that I thought it was a bit too amusing for this particular challenge.  And also, I didn't really think the budget would be all that low.  There's a couple of stunts in there that should cost enough to do - unless you were going guerrilla.

Good job for a week.
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rc1107
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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I was actually expecting a pisstake after I saw the title for this one, but I was surprised to see that it actually fit the challenge pretty well.  It may need a little more than an average budget to film, but then again, most of the serious action is on bikes and uses bananas, so probably not out of the realm of possibility.

The swearing, though very gratuitous, still made me laugh MOST of the time.  (I really chuckled during the 'Fuck you, little kids!' and 'bitch tits' part for some reason), but opening with the c-bomb probably wasn't the best idea.  It's just too harsh.

It also might have been a little campy, but I don't think the challenge explicitly stated it couldn't be.  Most action films are, anyway.  So that didn't bug me.

Overall, this was the most enjoyable out of the four that I read.  Good job, whoever you are.

- Mark


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jwent6688
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this. Good job foreshadowing the events to come with the video game. Some good lines in here and some funny moments. I thought Perkins having a real gun was a bit far. Maybe just a BB gun or a paint ball gun. He could have actually shot a few people with that for some funny moments.

Well written and I was entertained all the way through. Good entry.

James


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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: June 7th, 2011, 12:15am Report to Moderator
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Very funny script and I liked it. Maybe not so much for this challenge, but I liked it.

I don't ever remember a dog in Mario Kart though, where did that come from?

The language worked here for the one character, I laughed at a lot of things. Works more as a comedy than an action script, which is why I don't think it meets the challenge that well.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: June 7th, 2011, 12:54am Report to Moderator
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This script had me at

PERKINS
Iíd rather shove my nut sack into
my asshole than to race with DK.

haha, that made me laugh pretty hard.

the story itself worked pretty well, putting things in the game throughout the chase, that was pretty entertaining.

this was more comedy than action, but it did have action and i felt it fit the challenge pretty well, so good job, one of my fav's.


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