This was an OK read, but I couldn't get past the crudeness of the language. Campy humor and NC-17 language do not blend well together. Pick one and work with it. Don't try to force a square peg into a round hole.

My $0.02? Take out the gun and clean up the language and you will really have something here.

Congrats on finishing and submitting on time.

Yeah, the addition of the gun was odd and not needed.

#8 f*** Donkey Kong -
Two college losers take a game of Mario Kart 64 a little too seriously.  9 pages.

Format: Perfect - Good -  Close Enough
Notes: Pg 4 you can't really slide your bike under a trailer bed w/o getting killed. You'll need an entire street of stunt drivers and cars to pull off this scene. pg 5 probably going to damage that stunt car the bike jumps onto and off of. Call me slow, but by pg6 I'm pretty sure this isn't the route to campus security. WTH kind of fuse box is along the street side of a row of shops? Don't those go inside the store somewhere? Perkins has some b!tchin' peepers on him to see a flat tire on a bicycle from that distance. The gum? For really?
Action: H3ll, Yeah! - Good - Eventually - Needs More
Breakdown: Pretty much just non stop shenanigans, very nice!

Budget Considerations:
Locations - Dorm room, parking lot, busy street (good luck with that!) with intersection, front lawn, neighborhood street, city square shops-like sidewalk, park, campus police department (ahem!)
Props - 9mm pistol, Nintendo 64, Mario Kart 64, TV, bike x2, groceries in bags on bike including bananas, turtle shell water balloons, gay pride rally stuff + banner, reinforced tables + lunches, cake,
Costumes - ninja Turtles costumes (w/ permission from Nickelodeon which owns all the rights to TMNT), wires + fuse box, gum
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fuse+box
Vehicles - 18 wheeler with stunt driver, a busy street full of stunt cars w/ drivers,
Actors - Perkins, Greg, Female Student, Male Student, Truck Driver, three boys, extras as pedestrians, 110yo Electrician, extras for gay pride rally
SFX - Game controller explosion from bullet, phone destruction, candy glass window, break car windshield, wire sparks + dancing wires, bubble gum tire repair and explosion, greenscreen for flying off bike
Other - Probably going to have to pay someone to shave Perkin's head, stunt pads, stunt bicycle rider, stunt coordinator, wirework for flying off bike x2, water for drenching, movie dog (criteria violation!)

Budget Guesstimate:  Likely between $6k to $20k, mostly for all the vehicles w/ stunt drivers.    
What I like: The wonderful parallel between game and bike ride.
What I'd change: Maybe knock down some of the language to PG-13. Delete the sliding under the 18 wheeler bit.
How I envision this looking: A lot like a Lorne Michaels or Adam Sandler bit. Probably too vulgar for Jim Carrey.
What I'd like to know from the writer: Unable to reconcile expense for product, I almost gave up reading how preposterous this was around page 6.
However, I began envisioning Will Farrell on the bike as Perkins, after that it was an enjoyable breeze to read.
Who was your influence or inspiration for this?

Quoted from TheUsualSuspect I don't ever remember a dog in Mario Kart though, where did that come from?

Chain Chomps are referred to by many players as "dogs".  

As I go:

Page 2:  Haha!  Only a real Mario Kart player would complain about second place lightning.  You have earned my respect, sir or madam.  

Page 5:  As of page 5, this is the best script of the bunch.
Although it's funny, I'm not convinced that the throwaway gag with the kid being crude really fits with the tone, for me.  This has been all about simplicity, in its own way, and I think this gag adds a level to the script that shouldn't really be there.

Page 6:  And I also feel as though Perkins' line might seem even funnier if the kids hadn't said anything.

Thoughts:

Very good.  Very tight.  I like James' suggestion of a BB gun; that seems a little more in keeping with the tone.  Speaking of tone, a lot of people didn't like the language.  I do.  I think it's very fitting.  The contrast between it and the "cute" tone is very welcome and steps things up a tiny bit, in my opinion.  Plus, adult-oriented is always good; f*** kids anyway.

I don't really have much to say about this one -- I'll probably add a bit once writers are revealed.  This is hands down the best of the bunch (although I've got a couple left to read).  Very straightforward, defined characters, defined plot, defined theme.  Great stuff.

If I were to ask for something more, it would be a character arc for Greg.  What does he learn from all this?

Thanks for the fun read and congrats on writing for the OWC!

Ok I'll try to post again as my PC is acting up.

Read this one.

Grammer and spelling seemed ok, nothing caught my eye.

Story wise this had a lot of action and I like that. Visually that would likely keep my interest up. And IMO this would track good with a gamer. But since Im not into gaming, some of those references fell a bit flat.

Otherwise a solid effort!

Scott,

I dig the structure you laid out here.
Didn't have to know Mario Kart to enjoy your story. Full marks there.
Vulgarity would've been fine if it was just Perkins.
Young kids cussing is a cheap worn out tactic beneath the rest of the effort.
Whomever suggested the BB gun, good on you!

You nailed the theme. You flirted with some not so low budget choreography.
The hyper reality of life mirroring the game worked fine for me.
I'm fine with the campy quality, it didn't feel "cheesy" to me.
Which I believe was the wording used in the OWC rules.

No real characterization to speak of, it's all device and mechanics.
Albeit, those tools are used to pretty good effect.
A simple character set up would've really bolstered the structure with some goals.

Thanks for playing, OWCs need fine effort like yours to work!

Regards,
E.D.

This to me was more tongue in cheek black comedy than an action script. Not that I'm adverese to profanities in a script, but I think they were just gratuitous, especially the language from one of the 7 year old turtle kids. Don't see how it added to it. The script was a very literal take on the challenge, kwirky, interesting, but ultimately I just didn't get it. There was no character development and no premise, the physical race was a mimic of the computer game. Okay, and?

The real race needs more conflict and purpose where something definitive happens to your antagonist and protagonist. They started out and ended up the same. I don't see a game controller stopping a bullet either. But, I could be wrong!

Action packed, that's for sure. Many have brought up the language, and I agree. I think it doesn't work because of the cartoonish action you have. A game controller stopping a bullet? Not in reality. The BB gun thing could work, or better, an air-soft gun (plastic BBs). But mixing extreme profanity into a childish/cartoonish action sequence doesn't jive.

The chase was okay, the problem was that I knew it would follow what happened in the video game. There wasn't any sort of surprise in the end. The gay pride parade made me laugh a little.

Thanks everyone for the reads.

I know this may come as a shock, but the Greg character in here is loosely based on me.  *Collective gasp*  It's kind of weird how this one came to fruition.  I opened with the "You f****** ****" line and a gun to someone's head without any idea of where it would go...next thing I know they were playing Mario Kart and anyone who's played any version knows it brings out the rage in all of us.  

Naturally I wanted it to have a comic feel, so in addition to the bubblegum language and cartoon action, anything out of the ordinary was deliberate, i.e. the 110 year old electrician, the 7 year olds swearing, etc etc etc.  Overall I like how it turned out.  The vulgarity was just something that happened but generally a group of guys playing Mario Kart will result in streams of obscenities that wouldn't otherwise come out.

I always try to make my titles unique since we've had 40+ entries in the past, so I dropped the F-bomb in.  Cheap?  Maybe.  But hell, it also fits the story perfectly.  And since not all of the entries receive even amounts of reads, it may garner more attention.  

And a BB gun is much more appropriate.  I'll do that.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Well, Kevin. I read your comment because it's worth more to me than wasting time on a script that begins on that first wanker line because I just think it's a waste and a cheap way to try and grab attention. It didn't work for me at all and I quickly hit close. What did I expect from a title like that anyways? Well, perhaps I was swayed by the fact that, I Want to Fuck Your Sister was such a good script. But it didn't have that cheap feel

No offense, Sandra, but the fact that this was the first one you responded to is a textbook reaction of what I was going for.  On a site where you're going to get a variety of stories, you're going to get some that are vulgar, either sexually, violently, or language-y.  Of course it's your opinion not to read something with naughty language and I respect that, but I don't think it's fair to lash out at it because the first page had a couple bad words.  

But that's just me.

Thanks again everyone for the reads!  I'm glad to see it served as an entertaining piece for most.

Greg

Hey Greg. I'll chip in a bit, since my name's in the quote above.

In my review, I made no mention of the swearing. And on the whole, the swearing here was not an issue for me. BUT, you hopefully know that there are certain words, that, well, should be avoided. Actually, there might only be one, and you used it in your first line. You're gonna lose a huge chunk of your female audience with that word. It is what it is. Most things about women remain a mystery to me. But one thing I know is they don't like that word.

Now, you might rightly point out, it's just a character saying it. And that's true. But I think when you use a word like that right at the outset, it is surely intended to grab attention. So I think then the question becomes was it necessary and effective, important to the script, or a cheap trick. If your goal is to make Perkins a misogynist, or maybe even just someone with problems with women, then maybe the word is perfect to do that. But if the goal is just to make Perkins sound like a jerk, you might risk losing your female audience with nothing gained in terms of character development.

Same thing could probably be said about the Jewry comment. If it's important to show Perkins is bigoted or anti-semitic, someone who might take offense to it will understand. If it's just thrown in there, you might lose part of your audience.

Please don't misunderstand me either. I'm the last person to take the role of sensitivity cop. None of this bothered me the least bit. I know it's just a script. And this was well written. I just think it's worth pointing out you'll be chasing away chunks of your audience for no real reason, since those words don't really add anything in this case.

I think Sandra did you a favor by expressing something a lot of women would think but not bother saying. IMO, of course.

But other than that, very effective writing technique for action.

Kevin

Quoted from leitskev BUT, you hopefully know that there are certain words, that, well, should be avoided. Actually, there might only be one, and you used it in your first line. You're gonna lose a huge chunk of your female audience with that word.

Hey Kev,

Believe me I know.  A script like this to begin with is more likely to be enjoyed by males for a variety of reasons, so that would already knock into the female audience.  

Quoted from leitskev None of this bothered me the least bit. I know it's just a script.

That it is and reality is I used an in-your-face title as an attention grabber and Sandra reacted to this one first.  With that title and logline I think you can only assume a little vulgarity is to be expected.  There's a bunch of other disgusting ways scripts can (and have) open on this site than Perkins saying a bad word.

But to each their own.  Some don't like gratuitous language so naturally they wouldn't like this and as with Sandra that's an opinion I respect and really have no business trying to change.   I was just sayin' as I feel I needed to defend Perkins.

And thank you for your write up, Kevin

Greg

Greg, I included this in my vote for 1 of the top 3 scripts.  For the most part, I liked it, and thought it was well put together.

IMO, the vulgarity was a bit over the top, but mostly because of the fact a little kid swears just like Perkins did, and it was unnecessary and took away from Perkins' uniqueness.  I also thought the stuff with the actual gun being shot was over the top in a bad way.

BUT, it was a well written OWC entry all in all, so great job.

I had this in my top three, but I had only read about ten. I actually thought you wrote this, Jeff. The dialogue sounded similar to some of your characters.

I wasn't crazy about the story here, despite it being in my top three. It was well written, but there really wasn't any story. This seemed to be the case with most of the OWCs I read, though. I think it was the action requirement that threw people off.

I had Cheating first, and Broken Teeth next, and  then Donkey. But I couldn't vote since I didn't write one.

Today I read a script that moved onto the list, even though no one else liked it: Denied. Not sure what my ranking would be now. Denied was not as well written as these technically, by I liked the originality of the effort and the lasting image left by the story.

I did have the sense with this one, as said in my original review, that the writer was experimenting a little. OWC's are a good opportunity for that. Now that I know this is Greg, I would definitely say it's a little different than other stuff I've read of his. Certainly it was well presented.

Not sure what to make of this one. I liked the parallels between the game and the race to the police station. I think that's the script right there. The rest... eh. The vulgarity was funny but only for the sake that the context is so ridiculous. The same goes for Perkins' murder plot. None of it is inherently funny. It works because Perkins is an idiot and a nutjob. It almost seems like once he pulls a gun out, the conversation would stop right there whether or not he used it. I think it would take Greg a good while to wrap his around how crazy the situation is.

Anyway, I suppose this was fun in the context of the OWC but I don't think it has much life outside of it, especially with its title. The concept would be cute if it weren't for the general nastiness that surrounds it. It's been a while since I read a script this intentionally goofy though. It'll be another while before I read about another pitbull on crack.

Thanks Jeff, Kev, and James for your words!

Quoted from leitskev I did have the sense with this one, as said in my original review, that the writer was experimenting a little. OWC's are a good opportunity for that. Now that I know this is Greg, I would definitely say it's a little different than other stuff I've read of his. Certainly it was well presented.

I do take full advantage of the OWC to try new things, as evidenced in my previous 3 (Ass Spider, Satan's Secret Surprise, ...And I Take You).  These exercises are perfect for experimenting with their genre, themes, and array of possibilities.

Thanks again, fellas!

Greg