Hello Mr. Hunter,

Welcome aboard.

To help wonkavite in regards to dropbox, copying "the public link of Dropbox", paste that link in the "url of script" slot and submit it. A second page will appear which you can disregard.

Hope this made sense.

Gabe

My first scriptwriting attempt...Don't be freightened, it's very short and set in 12 point type.

Baby Soup and The Story of Davis, Episode #3 of the Lean Times

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/104605214/Baby%20Soup%20and%20The%20Story%20of%20Davis.pdf
Dramatic Series - The remnants of humanity struggle to survive The Lean Times which follow an apocalyptic Event which nearly wipes out all life on Earth.

TIA for your feedback, comments and suggestions.

Also posted in My Work In Progress section.

John

Hey John,

This has to be one of the best first attempts at writing I have seen in a long time. However, the writing still has a few problems.

For starters, Page 1 is numbered. I can't for the life of me think why this is such a problem, but generally, writers are advised to never number page 1. It's a ridiculous little guideline, that isn't too much of a big deal, but just to be safe, start numbering from Page 2.

Page 1:

                    FEMALE
           (giggles)

    You can't rush these things...

- Something wrong with the formatting, here. There shouldn't be a gap between the parenthetical and the line of dialogue.

"He leans back on what appears to be a cane, but it's really a 56 degree Cleveland Sabd Iron, rough tour grind with a heavy S400 stiff shaft. DAVIS uses the golf club as a cane when his bad leg is bothering him." - Few things with this paragraph...

-Firstly, you don't happen to be a golf type of guy, do you? Couldn't help but chuckle at the amount of jargon included in this paragraph Keep it simple. Why couldn't you just say "He leans on what appear to be a cane, but is actually a golf club." and leave it at that? The thing is, although some golf enthusiasts will be very interested in the golf club, the details aren't necessary. All that matters is that he's leaning on a golf club. Think about it... At the end of the day, are the features of that club really that important?

-Secondly... "DAVIS uses the golf club as a cane when his bad leg is bothering him." - You use something called and unfilmable, here. Something that can't be directly seen by the audience when translated to film. How will an audience know that Davis has a bad leg at this stage? Show don't tell. That means, if the bad leg is really that important, show the character limping or something along those lines.

-Thirdly, you've capitalized the name Davis after he has been introduced. Remember, names should only be in CAPS with the initial introduction. After that, the character's names should be formatted normally.

Page 2: "It is the smoke and the smell that helps DAVIS track these people. The smell is always the same." - Another thing that can't be filmed. think to yourself "Can the audience see that it is the smoke that brings Davis to these to people?" If your answer is 'No' then you need to consider re-writing that particular part. Try explaining it in a way that the audience CAN actually see it. For example...

"Davis raises his nose to the air, sniffs." Or something along those lines.

Page 3: "The weather is turning colder, but his rage protects him from the chill." - Something else that cannot be seen on film. Try...

"The wind picks up, but Davis doesn't seem to notice. His attention is fixed on the two companions, his face contorted in anger."

Thought I might leave a brief note on the dialogue. Personally, I found it a little awkward. It reads a little unnaturally. Dialogue, for me, has got to be the most tricky part of screenwriting. It's damn near impossible to get right. The thing is, in order for our screenplays to be successful, the dialogue has to be believable. If it's cheesy and on-the-nose dialogue, producers simply wont pick the script up. That's the reality of it all. What seems to help for a lot of writers on SS, is reading the dialogue out loud to yourself. Converse with yourself. Another thing that helps is observing real-life conversations. Take a look the 'General Chat' section of the website, as you'll find a lot of the members type like they chat. From that, you will develop a better understanding of how dialogue works. Trust me, you can be the most chatty person on the planet, but until you actually observe how people interact with each other, writing dialogue will continue to be one of the most difficult things in screenwriting.

Hey, as I said earlier, this is a really great effort for a first screenplay. Actually, it's a decent effort for a screenwriting regular. You just need to be on the look-out for those details... What's important, what isn't? Simple as that.

Lastly, I'd advise that you start reading and reviewing other scripts on the website. Earn a name for yourself here. The more reads you dish out, the more reviews you get on your own work. That's the way it works here at SS.

If you have any questions, feel free to send a private message.

Cheers,

Dan

Dan,

Thank you for your detailed input. Most appreciated.

The wonky formating and first page number issues I blame on the software I was using (Mac iPages). I have since demo'ed 'Final Draft' and oh what a difference.

Unfilmables: Your point is well made.

Inner Voices (and writing Awkward Dialog): An old and dear friend of mine was a mental health professional. His favorite theme was something he called Inner Voices. Essestially, ideas, conclusions and CONVERSATIONS which go on exclusively in the silence of your head can be dangerously flawed. Once these Inner Voices break thru the sound barrier (are spoken), they are subjected to a more critical examination.

In short, speaking your dialog outloud is an excellent device to prevent writing award dialog AND I wish I had remembered this point when writing my first draft.

Using 'Final Draft' software, I will now rewrite and repost Baby Soup and The Story Of Davis, Episode #3 of The Lean Times.

Again, thank you for your input.

John

Skip the formatting and such, what is the point of this? Is it part of a larger picture? Some kill or be killed, eat or be eaten world? No empathy, no love? Did the man and woman have it coming to them? Reminds me of a snow bound script I read here once, full of such killing.

Welcome to SS John. Nice to see another newbie to the site. Best of luck- Dirk

Somehow I'm running a split thread...If you let me go this time, I promise not to do it again (if I can figure out how I did it).

OK, Here's the Final Draft and completed story....Dark, Quirky and Now More Gritty Than Ever

"Baby Soup And The Story Of Davis," THE LEAN TIMES, Episode #3 (5 pages)
The remnants of humanity struggle to survive The Lean Times which follow an apocalyptic Event.

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/104605214/Baby%20Soup%20and%20The%20Story%20Of%20Davis.pdf

Writing Baby Soup has been a great learning experience for me and I want to express my appreciation for all the help given to me by SS members.

John

Wait! Is that my agent calling?

Quoted from XL I throw myself upon your tender mercies.

Now you've got to be kidding me.

If you want mercy, get yourself to Chuch and start praying. The Power of Prayer - awesome. But you ain't going to get that here - best come here to learn.

And yeah - you got the thread screwed up some, but it's all the about the curve.

So, looking at your script, I just took some stuff from the first page, and ran with that. Some people do that here and it really bugs other people, but it doesn't stop it, so:

EXT. LARGE INDUSTRIAL PARK - LATE AFTERNOON
-- either DAY or NIGHT.

"Many empty buildings with broken windows, ..."
-- Your opener is important, and this is visually vague.

SUPERIMPOSE: OUTSIDE CHICAGO - NINE MONTHS AFTER THE EVENT
-- Nope.

INT. WAREHOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON - ESTABLISHING
-- This isn't your establishing shot. And there is generally (in a spec script) no need to state this.

Two figures squat near a small fire. The larger is BOB, male, late forties. The smaller is NELDA, female, mid-thirties.
-- This is cumbersome. Try re-writing this a couple of ways that use less words. You very quickly got my reference to splitting lines without me mentioning it in another post. Try taking another look at the split here, and go for a re-think.

INT. SAME WAREHOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON (CONT’D)
-- Go to google and look up 'slugs' (of the writing variety) or start a new thread on how to do this properly.
----------------
Davis uses a golf club as a cane. He leans on it. He moves his weight from one side to the other. His bad leg is troubling him again.

Davis prefers the Cleveland 56 degree Sand Iron. It is the same length as a cane, made of metal and heavy.
-- As you appear to be fairly switched on, you'll look back on these lines in about three weeks, and go 'what was I thinking?' But that's the learning curve for you.

Best of luck with it - I think you've made a good impression so far - just read some script and feedback and you'll get due kudos.

Simon

Hello John...

Welcome to the group! This is a super place to learn stumble...crow hop....learn again...some great people...super talent. I love this place(most of the time)!

Glad to have you! I'm one of the resident new writers of the bunch...

dena

Simon,

Appreciate the line-by-line specific approach. In fact, it is my favorite.

Some of your comments refer to an early version (my fault for double posting?), but other remarks about cumbersome and wordy lines are still true.

SUPERIMPOSE: OUTSIDE CHICAGO - NINE MONTHS AFTER THE EVENT...to be found in production, not spec script?

(old) Davis prefers the Cleveland 56 degree Sand Iron.
It is the same length as a cane, made of metal and heavy.

(revised) Davis uses a golf club as a cane. He leans on it. He moves
his weight from one side to the other. His bad leg is
troubling him again.

Better still would be

Davis uses a golf club for a cane. His bad leg is bothering him.
He shifts his weight.
  
Less wordy, same elements, same actions.

Yes, I'm enjoying learning the scriptwriting format to tell a story...Be it divirivate drek or gold.

Thank you.

John