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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  A Line Crossed - Logline review request Moderators: LC
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  Author    A Line Crossed - Logline review request  (currently 166 views)
steven8
Posted: April 5th, 2020, 3:23am Report to Moderator
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V1: A brilliant young physicist conducts an experiment that challenges the boundaries of science.  Will his best friend's fears about the outcome be confirmed?

V2: A brilliant young physicist conducts a daring experiment against the wishes of his best friend in an attempt to unlock the secret of creation.
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eldave1
Posted: April 5th, 2020, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8
V1: A brilliant young physicist conducts an experiment that challenges the boundaries of science.  Will his best friend's fears about the outcome be confirmed?

V2: A brilliant young physicist conducts a daring experiment against the wishes of his best friend in an attempt to unlock the secret of creation.


Of the two, I prefer one.

Not crazy about either. I'd lose the best friend element as a starter and add the "in order to" or the "must"

e,g,

In order to (insert the goal) a brilliant young scientist....

OR

When a brilliant young scientist unlocks the secret of creation, INSERT PROTAG, must (WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO DO) in order to (WHAT HAPPENS IF HE FAILS)

Hope that makes sense


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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steven8
Posted: April 5th, 2020, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for your thoughts.  It sparked a revision.  Just to note, this is actually a logline for a 10 page short.

In order to unlock the secrets of creation, a brilliant young physicist must conduct an experiment which threatens to tear it apart.
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eldave1
Posted: April 5th, 2020, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8
Thank you for your thoughts.  It sparked a revision.  Just to note, this is actually a logline for a 10 page short.

In order to unlock the secrets of creation, a brilliant young physicist must conduct an experiment which threatens to tear it apart.


Your welcome.

I like the new one. I would just replace "it" with "world"


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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steven8
Posted: April 6th, 2020, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Your welcome.

I like the new one. I would just replace "it" with "world"


All right, I think this might be it.  I incorporated your revision, and tweaked it a bit more myself.  Tell me what you think:

In order to unlock the secrets of creation, a brilliant young physicist conducts an experiment which threatens to tear his world apart.

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eldave1
Posted: April 6th, 2020, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8


All right, I think this might be it.  I incorporated your revision, and tweaked it a bit more myself.  Tell me what you think:

In order to unlock the secrets of creation, a brilliant young physicist conducts an experiment which threatens to tear his world apart.



Works for me


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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steven8
Posted: April 8th, 2020, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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Awesome!  Thanks for your help.
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eldave1
Posted: April 8th, 2020, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from steven8
Awesome!  Thanks for your help.


My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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