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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  Trophy - Logline Moderators: LC
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Teodor
Posted: February 22nd, 2021, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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Hi. It would be nice if I could get some feedback on my logline:
After social services threatens to take her little sister away, a beautiful girl from a poor family gets the money to save her by becoming a front for a local gangster.
Thanks!
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 22nd, 2021, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Hi Treodor

Is the fact the girl is beautiful relevant? or does she have a more relevant trait you can use instead (Plus beautiful is a bit mundane, countless scripts use this word to describe female characters)

Again with the gangster, 'local' feels a bit weak - any other traits that would be a bit more evocative? (Ruthless, for example)

Something seems strange about "gets the money to save her" - sounds like you are telling us she has achieved her goal in the logline.

How about something a bit more like "... an impoverished girl strikes a deal with a ruthless gangster in order to save her"



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eldave1
Posted: February 22nd, 2021, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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I'll echo Matthew's comments - they are spot on


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Teodor
Posted: February 23rd, 2021, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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thank you guys!
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