SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 27th, 2024, 2:46am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  Action/ Karate concept Moderators: LC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 4 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Action/ Karate concept  (currently 424 views)
scripter1
Posted: November 8th, 2022, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thanks for reviewing my log line.

Log Line: When multiple Government agencies discover Nash,
a martial artist and International adventurer, has natural
superhuman abilities he must use all his skills to escape
becoming a lab experiment and keep his freedom.
Logged Offline
Private Message
Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 8th, 2022, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.88
Reads a bit awkward at the moment. What does Nash have to overcome (other than government agencies)? With superhuman powers it doesn't seem much of a struggle on the face of it, maybe he can't control his powers yet (chance here to include his inner struggle in the logline)

His name isn't needed, and in this case, makes it read awkwardly.

Very quick attempt below

When nefarious Government agencies discover a globe-trotting martial artist has superhuman powers, he must learn to harness his powers in order to avoid experimentation and keep his freedom.

(I’ve used powers twice, I don’t like that)


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Matthew Taylor  -  November 9th, 2022, 5:30am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 4
scripter1
Posted: November 14th, 2022, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.01
Yes, thank you!!  Excellent feedback.  This is the third log line I've created and your feedback helps me get that much closer to what the story is really about.  

I was struggling to find the right descriptive word for the agencies and Nefarious is perfect!!

Also your feedback highlighted a word choice problem about the characters abilities.  He's not a super hero struggling to understand his powers so my word choice is off there as well.  

He's a person with above average senses, physical capabilities, and above average healing rates.  This makes him a medical anomaly and hence the Govt interest.  This is a realistic story about human enhancement based on actual current science.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 4
Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 14th, 2022, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.88
No problem.


Quoted from scripter1
Also your feedback highlighted a word choice problem about the characters abilities.  He's not a super hero struggling to understand his powers so my word choice is off there as well.  



That�s probably just me, I see superhuman and I jump to Super Hero�s lol maybe Extraordinary suits better?

The bit about him understanding his powers was me just trying to give an example of how to add in what his struggle might be, what�s holding him back from defeating the agencies that he has to overcome (inner struggle) but obviously fit it to the actual story (when I first read it I thought �a martial artist with superpowers? He can take down government agencies no problem� lol)


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 4
Arundel
Posted: November 14th, 2022, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Las Vegas, Nevada
Posts
265
Posts Per Day
0.14
I'd like to read this when it becomes available.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 4
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Review My Logline  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006