I like this a lot. The set up is great, though I wondered if Navaro was going to be one of the mains. Turns out he is, just not on the good side, which works fine by me.

The writing is strong, great visuals and flavour. I like Chango's dialogue, even with all the exposition I found it enjoyable. Good job there. You use Akeem for dialogue but the character is called Navaro everywhere. Be consistent with names.

I missed that a random Jamaican tried to blow up JJ in his home. You already described Navaro as Jamaican, I thought it was him again, and that guy got killed but they still want him? Easy to avoid that kind of confusion by making sure that when you introduce characters it's clear who they are and differentiate them from other characters better.

I liked everything in the mall, it's a great way to introduce the rest of the team. I didn't see Glasco's death coming, nice job with that and a great way to force JJ's return to VICE.

It starts to go off the rails a bit once Hayes is introduced. It's unclear who he is, the way he calls JJ "cop" (frequently, cut that down) suggests he isn't one but then you basically say he is by how the others are impressed with his policework. And he's just Mr. Exposition, not a great introduction to his character, other than heavily pointing out that he doesn't think much of JJ and his crew. At pages 20-24 this should be action time in an hour-long episode, not having a pages long conversation. But I get that the limitations of the challenge might have worked against you here, and I do like that Hayes comes up with the idea to get the purse-snatcher to talk. He finally contributes and shows he has value, which is needed. Too bad it comes after him sitting and judging from a chair.

You didn't even attempt to make this complete for the challenge. Fair enough, you called it a sample and I'll buy that. I'd read more, it's a show I would watch, it's a faithful reboot...good job all around, even with its shortcomings.

Thanks, Rene.  Yeah I sort of binge wrote this in a few hours with the idea being it would be the Act 1 of a two hour pilot.  I tried to follow the formula set by the first episode Brother's Keeper where Crocket and Tubbs are introduced 25 minutes in as their investigations cross paths.

Only problem is, I don't have a beginning, middle and end as this is only the first Act of the pilot.  This has been the script's downfall.  That, and the fact that I'm disqualified for putting my  name on the title page like a dummy

I'll be posting some actual reviews in the next couple of days.  It's been a long long week and haven't had time to read these scripts to completion.  

Eric

I see Baumbach and Hayes have replaced Crockett and Tubbs.

Jack, I'm gonna spare you from you-know-what. It seems you've learned your lesson. Next time, try to come up with a pseudonym (e.g. George P. Fakename or whatever you can think of) or just leave it blank.

You're a tad over the page limit. Let's see how this goes.

Bald cypress is a tree of some sort. And egret is a bird. I had to google both of these.

Quoted Text A tiny egret prances along the skim in pursuit of a fish but just loses it.

Loses what? The fish? His temper? His mind/marbles?

Quoted Text Some more birds are perched in the branches overhead and all is peaceful in the world.

How do we know this? Are you going to give us an epis montage of every oart of the world being peaceful? If not, it's unfilmable.

Be careful of prose-y overwriting.

Quoted Text Suddenly, the BUMP of CUBAN RAP MUSIC sends the birds in the trees flapping away.

Gee, Toto...



I have a feeling we're not in Kansas Africa the 80s anymore.

"tank[-]topped"

Why didn't you CAP the Latino driver?

What kind of rap music are you thinking of? Run-DMC? DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince (Will Smith)? The Fat Boys? Or more like Tupac or Biggie? Or Kendrick Lamar or Kanye?

The "shirtless bruisers" should be CAPPED.

Bling??? It's definitely not the 80s anymore. Who's President in your script? Is Reagan alive? Does Phil Collins have hair?

Quoted Text Welcome to the jungle

Wait, is it the 80s or not?

You need to CAP these characters. Not looking good right now.

CONT'D is almost never necessary.

Quoted Text As you can see, [I]t's work hard, play hard around here.  The word is out.  Everybody know, with me... the clock never stops and my doors are always open.  As you can see [W]ith that much business, the competition can get pretty stiff.

Too long! Trim it a bit.

Quoted Text It's real simple.  With me, you get the protection other poachers don't get.  I'm talking legal protection.  These local cops are a joke.  To them, we're just thinning the herd. As long as they get a piece of the action, everyone's happy.  The Feds?  Now that's another story altogether.

Ditto.

Quoted Text Home is where you make it.  Yeah, I could be back in the clubs, sitting in a chair with a bulls eye on my chest.  Running numbers and waiting for The Feds to come and get me.  But there's no future in flashy crime anymore, Mi Amigo.  That shit went out of style a long time ago.  Today, gangsters wear Brooks Brothers and sit in front of microphones.  [y]ou don't need no gun to steal.  Just the right connections.

Holy dialogue, Batman! Shorten it.

Quoted Text Last month, I get approached by an agent with the Wildlife Commission.  Tells me for the right price, I can keep the right people off my back.  Game farm applications.  Limited entry permits.  Hunting and fishing licenses.  Anything I wanted.  We're talking unlimited access.  Anyone that wants to do business with me gets [A]utomatic federal protection.

I think I just saved you one or two pages just by trimming dialogue. Make sure your characters are more than just talking heads floating in space. Have him take a drink or smoke a cigar or something.

Quoted Text Akeem isn't impressed and shoots Chango a stern look.

So far, I'm not impressed, either. One thing that made Miami Vice, Miami Vice was the 80s MTV aesthetic. Currently, I don't even get a current music video aesthetic, much less a vintage one. A contemporary soundtrack isn't enough.

The show was edited like 80s music videos and featured bright, 80s colors. Reboot or not, I'm getting none of this from your script.

Your dialogue is way too wordy. Even Tarantino is more succinct. Even Shakespeare. Unless your character's name is Quint, I'd say four or five lines is pushing it. Listen to how people talk in real life; we don't speak in 16-page speeches every time we open our mouths.

Quoted Text I know, I know.  What does any of this have to do with me[?]  I get it.

Quoted Text Turns out[,] it was all too good to be true.  My guy on the inside says some puto gator farmer's been doing some sniffing around.  Asking a lot of questions about me.

That's what I'm talking about.

Quoted Text Chango picks up a manila file from off a wooden bench and hands it to Akeem[,] who opens and takes a look.

Had to google "dress blue" and it appears to be a Marine's uniform. Correct? If so, that's hardly the white leisure suit Don Johnson made famous.

Quoted Text Dude's a cop.  OCD Task Force out of vice.  But you already know that.

Then why are you telling him?

Quoted Text And when the cops come looking at me for it[,] you're in the free and clear.

Quoted Text Like I said, Mi Amigo.  That's just not my game anymore. (beat) Of course, I can't make you do anything you don't want.  Tell you what.  You keep that.  Think it over.

"jacked[-]up [pickup]"

"Ballcap" is one word.

"loaded[-]down bed[,] which"

I don't know about a redneck calling someone "brother," unless it's their actual brother. Just like I couldn't imagine a white senior citizen (seriously) rapping or dressing as such.

Wait... is he a black redneck? Does such a thing even exist? Then again, redneck rappers exist.



Dino eggs? What is this, Jurassic Park/World? This is stretching suspension of disbelief to paper-thin levels. Nothing about this reboot reads Miami Vice. None of it. I'm out on page 6. Sorry, Jack.

Well, now I know that dino eggs is slang for crocodile eggs. And knowing is half the battle.

Some of the character descriptions feel way too specific, as if you have pre-decided the casting. Forget finding a man with a lazy eye, what about a 400-pound Hispanic man, or a light-skinned African-American woman with green eyes? Some actors wear color-contacts for one reason or another, but there's usually a story-driven reason (for example the series Humans, and even that might be done with VFX). Your descriptions sound like they're coming from a book rather than a spec script. Those incredibly detailed descriptions you see in award-winning scripts are almost certainly revised after casting to match who actually landed the role.

Minor point, not sure if you picked up on anyone else mentioning it, but opening credits on PAGE TWELVE? I'm kidding, I remember Battlestar Galactica episodes routinely running 8 or 9 minutes before the credits, and this opening will probably be in that ballpark once edited.

There is no indication in the script that this is Act I of a two-hour pilot. There is a hint in that we never see Act II or later, but to me it's more likely that an OWC script would accidentally omit act breaks than simply cut off at the end of Act I. This problem is really specific to this OWC, but I would have put something like "Act I of two-hour pilot episode" on the title page. Remember that a two-hour pilot needs to break cleanly into a two-parter for reruns, including a cliffhanger leading up to the midpoint.

I otherwise had no problems with the writing, allowing for its early-draft state and that it's going to get trimmed down.

Nice detail with the gator-skin boots. Wonder if that was intentional to bother JJ. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't pick up on whatever the amazing policework was. If the characters need to describe something explicitly, it's usually because the actor couldn't pull of what was written. They'll only say on-screen that someone is beautiful, or charismatic, or brilliant, etc. if it doesn't really come across that way on-screen otherwise. There are exceptions to this, especially if a character is discussed before appearing, but that's the general rule I've noticed.

This is the start of a good reboot.

Pretty good writing here, although the action descriptions are a bit overwritten. Put some white on these pages! Lol

Never seen the original show, but I did watch the Michael Mann movie and remember liking it alright.

This wasn't bad by any means, I was able to visualize it for the most part.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to get a good feel for any of the characters. The dialog was decent, but no one really stood out to me.

Cop dramas just aren't my thing, sorry to say. Would love to see what you'd do with a horror flick.

Really good effort though.

~Zack~

Okay, so I'm thinking about completing a 95 page pilot episode and reworking Act 1.  First episode will focus on how the typically low brow vice squad receives federal funding to become the O.C.B. (Organized Crime Bureau) following the attempt on JJ's life.  


I'll try to get a first draft up before end of July.  

A pilot only needs to be around 60 pages. 95 is a feature film.

A two hour pilot with commercials is around 95 to 100 minutes.  I don't know.  I just enjoy the idea of seeing if I could pull off at least one season of full episodes.  It would be lots of fun and great practice as far as developing multiple characters.  


I'll finish the pilot movie and see if it gets a following or not.  Then I'll attempt a second episode.  

The writer is talented and took some nice risks IMO that paid off visually, although it’s somewhat overwritten in places. Most unfilmables were appropriate, others like location descriptions were too much like the mall/fire code bit.

I enjoyed the first sequence, and the writer displayed some good showmanship by pacing the dialogue correctly with what was visually happening in the story. The dialogue was seamless and came across authentic. The story itself felt average, but nevertheless engaging. I thought the sequence with JJ leaping from the house was great, original and detailed.

Considering the caliber of writing here, the characters’ description and how amazing they look stands out in a dull way.

The impact of the mall scene was saved by the death of Glasco. It was unexpected and, again, the photo being dropped on his chest was a nice touch. I’d suggest not cutting straight to the team, bummed out and Glasco’s death revealed to JJ. I’d think it’d be way more tense if Livia, Munz, and Cappeli would do a light interrogation on JJ before they reveal to him where it was found.

Towards the end, I thought the cop talk began to show too thick when the pace would be better suited for getting to know the characters better. I guess that seems nitpicky, but the only character beat I got from vice was bourbon chicken. The opening sequence was handled much better.

End of sample. Okay. I respect the writing and this script could easily wear a new outfit other than Miami Vice. Good luck!

I really took these notes to heart and decided to finish the proposed pilot episode.  It rings in at a lengthy 103 pages but, with commercials, this isn't too far off the mark for a two hour series premiere.  

I've just uploaded and should be available under the ACTION category in a few days.  Each following episode will be posted under SERIES.  

Hope you guys like it.