I thought it was a bit too overly written. Especially in descriptions. In the openings you had lines and lines of descriptions that weren't exactly necessary. Even some of the dialogue had things like "September ninth, nineteen sixty four," and I just thought "Wouldn't 'September 9, 1964' not only be shorter and more concise, but save lines?"

Same with "six hundred and sixty six" that's about 25 characters when it could've been 3...

I was just wondering if these descriptions were used to help flesh out the script and make it seem longer?

Dot the eyes? Cross the tees? Initials the Ex's?

Those lines sort of irked me. I've never seen it written like that before, as it actually would be dotting the I's...

These aren't major faults or anything, just little things that could be tightened up around.

Anyway, back to the story;

You had a cute idea that you executed quite well with strong clear dialogue. The characters were different and written well (if not a little cliche). I just thought the script didn't need to be as long as it did, especially without a strong punchline ending or anything.

All in a all, a solid effort, 7.5/10.

This was well written. I was amused through out and I didn't think it lagged at any stage. However, there wasn't much of a twist at the end, unless you count the thirteen three stuff. I also found myself wondering why a demoness, who could disappear and reappear anywhere they wanted, would need a mobile phone, but now I'm just being picky.

Good work.

Quoted from dslah I thought it was a bit too overly written. Especially in descriptions. In the openings you had lines and lines of descriptions that weren't exactly necessary. Even some of the dialogue had things like "September ninth, nineteen sixty four," and I just thought "Wouldn't 'September 9, 1964' not only be shorter and more concise, but save lines?"

In dialogue, it's proper format to spell the numbers out as words.

You're right about the eyes, tees, and exes though.  Those should be the actual letters themselves.

Thanks to all who read and reviewed. This was a great learning experience, and I had a great time doin' it.

Several people mentioned I went overboard with the brand names, which is true...A bit too "devil wears prada" than nessecary for this particular short...to say she was a Fashionista would have gotten the same point across with a whole lot more verbal economy...

Wasn't sure about dotting the I's and Crossing the T's, how to write that out, so I learned that (thanks, Mike)

There could have been more of a punchline (i need to work on better endings), but I more just wanted to show him acting like he was really smart, which, he wasn't.

EBurke mentioned it was like getting a mortgage, which is exactly what I was driving at. When you buy a car or a house, they just throw these numbers around and you lose focus on the item and fixate on the deal, the interest rate.

A car salesman can make you think getting 9.5% for 80 months is a good deal. In that sense its consumerism in the highest degree.

William "Refridgerator" Perry's touchdown during the Superbowl against the Pats is one of those painfull moments that I'll never forget, like the ball rolling through Bill Buckners legs...That being said, GO RED SOX!!

Hey Joe,

This was a pretty clever idea that was executed in the beginning and middle very well, but I think it kind of lacked in the end.

To tell you the truth, I was hoping that in real life you were an attorney and you were going to come up with a clever way for Bobby to actually pull the wool over Delores' eyes somehow.

I do have a question, though.  Maybe I missed it, (I will read it over again to see if maybe I just scrolled down too far while reading), but when Gloria couldn't get the percentage down to 17, so they settled on 19, what exactly happened that Delores lowered it down to 13?  Like I said, it was probably me and I will take another read.

It was all right as far as funny-wise.  I chuckled lightly a few times.  And I will admit I laughed out loud when Bobby asked if the cat's fur was bothering Delores and she replied by snapping her fingers and saying 'Not anymore.'  I just laughed again thinking about it.  :-)

-Mark