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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Desquamation - OWC Moderators: khamanna
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 27th, 2017, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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Good title, yo
Logline is teasing in favor of the genre pretty well - there's just plot and movement missing. As is, both sentences are used for equal purpose only, style.

p3/p4 research how to handle dialogue at page breaks

top p4 completely repetitive dialogue
we already understood her "dramatic situation" and phobia, at some point it's enough. Generally, there's not much happening and I ask myself how an independent audience, away from the phobia challenge, could engage here, thematically. I don't see it, honestly said.

It's too slow and thematically marginal. But who knows perhaps the second part will shoot this one out of orbit…

You're a good writer I believe. You can deal with characters, interaction, dialogue, formatting is tidy etc…, then… sorry to say but I don't think a sunburn phobia script is a topic that works with a public audience. I don't believe in it, too absurd.

As much as I feel with her, going through her personal nightmare, restarting the therapy soon, I just don't see a true point of identification…

@ this story is clearly a drama btw


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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Lightfoot
Posted: October 27th, 2017, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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Another one with great writing.

Didn't read what the phobia was so was kinda lost, but after checking it all makes sense.

I agree with what others have said about Donna realizing it's a burn ... after that the story sinks a bit. Better to keep this from her for as long as possible I think, her reactions to not knowing what was on her arm was what made the story click for me, that should've been the focus.

Good script nonetheless.
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