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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  Party Out Of Bounds - OWC Moderators: SAC
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 15th, 2019, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack


How did you "accidentally" get thrown into a fireplace!? Lol. Were you a little bit hammered?


It was by a huge grizzly bear that originally looked like an Indian.  I don't know why he came into my house, turned into a bear, and then threw me into the fireplace.

The whole thing was very odd.

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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 16th, 2019, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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English is capitalized.

Not a very promising start.


Quoted Text
KITCHEN
The kitchen is a disaster.


Redundant.

The priest is pretty random, I have to admit. This reads like an SNL sketch.

What the hell is gnurly?

Janet's possessed dialogue is way too over-the-top and cheesy. Sounds like something Rob Zombie would have written for his Halloween movies.


Quoted Text
Now, where did I put that...aha!


Terrible line.

Ziploc, a trademark, should be capitalized.

I proudly use the word "fuck," but I think these characters are saying it too much, again like Rob Zombie's Halloween movies.

At this point I'm bored, tired and skimming. You lost me at Powhatan.

Jeff's right. None of this makes sense. The writing's okay, the story isn't. Not for me, I'm sorry to say. Good job on knocking out a script and entering.


FADE IN:
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Spqr
Posted: October 18th, 2019, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that went south fast. Before Janet and Brad know it, they’re hosts to a battle royale between a demon, Stryker, his evil helper, the Priest, and an Indian fighter (as in being one, not fighting them), Powhatan. Excellent!
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