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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Death Road - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Death Road - OWC  (currently 2686 views)
Abe from LA
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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I'm still not sure how the UL works, but I can see it has something to do with a vanishing driver or hitchhiker. The story here was a tad confusing on first read. I backtracked and can see that Andrew is the ghost and Stacey survives — but is destined to perish. What doesn't work for me so well is that in the end, Stacey acts more like a ghost than Andrew. I guess she was a wreck after getting dumped by her BF.

What if Stacey picks up Andrew? Or is that too much like the original UL??

Okay, how about she crashes into her own vehicle? That she is the "other driver." So in the end, it's a single-car accident and she's the victim?

Well, this OWC isn't all that bad. I like parts of the setup. It needs work, but there is an eeriness that kept me awake.  Smooth out the story line and consider a few different twists. Overall, nice try.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: February 19th, 2015, 4:36am Report to Moderator
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DEATH ROAD

The ending ruined a lot here for me. I thought a road of the cursed is a great subject and enjoyed it. But then I didn't understand why Stacey sees Andrews cross only. If they are dead, as you implied, both their memorials should be at the roadside; hers too; not?

That Andrew suddenly disappeared and she couldn't save herself from the passenger seat, while they are already dead anyway, that scene could have been much better; - like they are captured on the road of death crashing into each other again and again as in an infinite loop, or something like that. I don't see a reason they sit in the same car second time, and also this way both cars are Andrew's now since he picked her up...

That was a big minus. It was really good until that scene. I think you can work that out.



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alffy
Posted: February 19th, 2015, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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Not a bad effort but having Andrew pick up Stacey then jump to the car she hits was a tad weird.

I liked the ghost in the car scenario though.

This reminds me of an urban legend that goes along the lines of:
Boy drives alone on a lonely road.  He feels a hand on his shoulder so stops to check out back seat.  No one there so carries on.  He goes round the next corner and is con fronted by an accident that just happened.  If he hadn't stopped for a few moments, he would have been involved too.

This of course doesn't have a happy ending lol


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: February 21st, 2015, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Urban Legend : Vanishing Hitchhiker...?

Let me get this right. Both Stacey and Andrew die in the crash on page 2.
We then see Andrew earlier that day as he kisses his g/f goodbye and looks in on his baby (otherwise inferred as 'let's shed a tear for ol' Andrew' !) He picks up Stacey, now the hitch hiker. They talk a bit. He's a ghost, he vanishes, car crashes. She crawls to her death.

Pretty much it, right? I think I got that down. and those first two pages cause a LOT of confusion don't they? After all, Stacey is already dead.  So when she hitches a ride with Andrew, this retcons the first two pages. Andrew being a ghost, vanishes. The phantom car does not and neither does Stacey.

Oh dear heavens. What to do, what to do.
I'd consider revising the second page and have Stacey break down and then stick out her thumb. Andrew's day as a phantom can remain pretty much the same, but re arrange the scene where he looks in on Olivia and his kid without saying a word.

'Cause y'know something...?
I don't get it either.


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marnieml
Posted: February 21st, 2015, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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I really tried but I don't get it. It was eerie, but in the end I just didn't understand. Sorry.


  
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CoopBazinga
Posted: February 23rd, 2015, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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Another opening we’ve seen a million times. Let’s see where this one goes…

“She applies the last layer of lipstick” How many layers do women have?

“She reaches down to retrieve her lipstick, taking her eyes off the road.” Why, just why? She’s finished with the damn lipstick – is that important at this moment to retrieve it? Couldn’t she have just waited? Don’t get me wrong, I understand why you’ve done it, but surely it could have been the phone or something. A road accident is pending…
And there it is!

Was the time element important?

Great, very entertaining – watching two peeps sleep. What’s happening? Is Andrew still alive?

Country music being played while driving on a country road – at least they stick to the local stations.

“I’ll get you home.” How does he know she’s going home? She could be going to another party.

“Andrew drives.”  I think you can calm down on this one now. I think we’ve been literally told very time the scene is set in the car that they’re driving. I get that – concentrate on other things.

“His eyes don’t leave the road ahead of him.” A nice line, sort of goes against what she was doing in the beginning so I can appreciate this and what you’re trying to do… if that is indeed the case.

What’s up with Stacey?! The poor bloke only asked if she wanted the radio on, or if she liked a station.

“Andrew begins to tap on his steering wheel.” Here’s a tip – cut (begins to) and look out for it in any script you write. For example, here – Andrew taps the steering wheel.

Stacey’s a bitch – I would be throwing her out right now!

No buses or trains go to Greendale then? She was hitchhiking so I guess not.

Some lean writing, but amazingly, it’s also very repetitive at times. Watch out for that.

“The two cars collide, head first” You really don’t need to have head first as that’s understood from before.

Stacey survived – lucky she kept that seat belt on. Actually, sorry, she’s dying and I thought this was going to be a win for road safety.

So Andrew as a ghost. So he’s allowed to stroll around the world randomly and interact with people, killing them. Why didn’t this happen at night around the same time as the original accident? I take it this happened during the day because the last time I saw, it was 6.00 am. Everything after that was moments later etc so it was hard to know how much time passed.

Not much to say on this – found it a tedious read to be honest and didn’t really get it. Andrew’s ghost comes back and kills Stacey but there isn’t much irony to it if that makes sense – he kills her the same way he dies. Now if Andrew had dropped something while driving Stacey and taken his eyes off the road and this led to her death then that’s something I can see as this drives home the point to her.

At the same time, if Stacey is alive then wouldn’t she recognize him? She killed this poor fella but doesn’t know what he looks like – in fact, she doesn’t seem all that cut up about it – more the breaking up with the boyfriend. This has potential but needs some work to fulfill it.
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NI-Gunner
Posted: February 24th, 2015, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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Was okay. The potential is there given a rewrite or two. After the first crash Andrew gets home to see his wife and child I was so confused here. Make it clearer that he's a ghost. I actually thought this was gonna turn into a situation where his wife would wake up, and hear him talking to the child via the baby monitor, then have some kinda reveal that he died in the car accident. That would have been very creepy. Nonetheless you went the way you did, which was perfectly okay, but I think Andrew driving both cars at the end was overkill.

Okay. Could be better.


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Kyle
Posted: February 24th, 2015, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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Story seemed pretty basic but was easy to follow and worked for what it was. No points for originality but that's understandable in this owc.
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RayW
Posted: February 26th, 2015, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Meh…
A sturdy submission.
All bases covered.
I was kinda hoping to see more of the mashup between the ghost girl on the roadside with the ghost dad at home, but the weight of the story defaulted into just the ghost hitchhiker aspect.



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realxwriter
Posted: February 27th, 2015, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Writing style:
Good.

Dialogue:
Good.

Character:
Not much depth to them.

Story:
I didn't understand the end. If he died, who was driving the car? If there was no car, how the second crash happened?
The story got no conflict. Just twists and reveals but no drama. I didn't care for the characters. I didn't know what they were after. So when things happened to them, it had no impact on me.

Overall:
You can tell story in an easy clear way, but you need to put all the needed elements in or most of them for the story to work, otherwise, the reader will feel detached from the events.
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