SPOILERS

The boys tell us the legend and the Doctor's google search gives us more of the background story.  The adults' inability to help Poe is believable and increases the tension -- the mother's papering over of the windows is beautifully fragile and futile.  It all creates a scary story with a sad, scary ending, within the confines of the OWC.  Very good effort as is but I hope the writer considers expanding this story to include an obstinate, reluctantly courageous hero.

Needs a good rewrote but has good potential. I was really getting into this though the appearance of Emily and her fire made it more harsh. I think the intro and the rabbit carcass(Bunny Man!!) hints at some wild orphan or ghostly figure living in the old building?

Anyway, add a few more pages and set it up and it's a nice little tale

After reading this, I think you wasted a few pages with that opening scene. Did you really need it? Honestly, I don't think you did. As for the rest, it was competently written (although I didn't really like the style of prose, but that's me), but the story was otherwise unremarkable.

C+.

Emily

Sorry to say this left me cold. Anyways I'm not into this whole supernatural – "kids see ghosts" – genre, not easy to win me over there.

While you mention it's based on a story at a mental facility, it was more about the mother daughter plot, and the connections didn't work as they should imo. It felt much too slow, with a huge amount of dialogue; more of a literature piece than a film to me.

Not my genre, good luck with it.

"Based on true events" is always an attention-getter.
A simple, old-fashioned ghost story. Apparently Emily got Stick and Bruiser, and now she's hanging around outside Poe's window.
Good job making it creepy.

I didn't pick up on the connection between the opening scene and the rest of the story.  I guess Emily was a patient at the facility?  But what does that have to do with Poe and her mother?  I think it would have worked better if Emily somehow had a connection to the house or the girl.  And why the fire?  Was Emily a little pyro when she was alive?  That's another layer that could add dimension to the story.  Give us some background on Emily.  

It all plays out kind of flat and basic right now, but a few more revisions could polish this one into a spine tingler.

There was a definite creepy vibe here but unfortunately I just didn't understand the story. I didn't see how the boys in the beginning tied in with Poe. I guess it was her hair they found, but I don't know what that meant.

There was something interesting about it, the story just needs clarification.

Agree with the others that the initial scenes with the two boys at the mental institution add nothing to the rest of the story, other than to show the possible "Emily, Emily, Emily" connection.  I think you're going to keep this, you need to re-write it to somehow connect that story with the second part, otherwise it's meaningless.

The rest of the script is fine. Decent build-up to the final scenes of the burning down of the house.  A few typos about but nothing that bothered me severely.  I guess my only question is why Emily has to kill the mom -- what did she do to incur Emily's wrath?

This would be fairly easy to film, except for the fire part. Pretty good effort here.

Gary

WACK! Whack?

“about 10” So they’re 9? Writing’s a little awkward to start off with.

“It must be four stories high.” Must be or is? I’m sorry but I think the writing is going to annoy me – time to concentrate on story.

“the baseball bat.” What baseball bat? Where did that come from?

“For the next 30 seconds” I don’t know?

How would taking the mattress off the bed help Poe?

Mother isn’t very considerate to her 7 year old. The fact that she doesn’t let Poe sleep with her feels wrong, but maybe this has been happening for a long time so the Mother believes that by denying Poe this, it will help her situation. The problem is that we can’t possibly know this so it seems off to the reader.

“The door flings open. The screaming suddenly stops.” Good copy and paste job here.

“Poe who appears asleep.” Appears?

Has time just lapsed? How long did Mother stand there?

Why would newspaper solve the problem? I feel like I’ve missed parts of this story. Also, couldn’t you just buy blinds or curtains – guess newspaper is the cheap way but it’s gonna be a bitch when they want to take it off.

“Mother appears confused.” You have a nasty habit of doing this – how about Mother’s confused. Appears just doesn’t work for me but maybe this is a preference thing.

You need to be clearer at the Doctor’s for me. I think Poe exits with the good Doctor and scurries over to the toy corner but that’s not very clear. At first I was wondering why the Mother went in but Poe never did.

The good Doctor is impressive – he knew straight away that it was Emily Thomas unless he guessed the surname randomly and got lucky.

Yeah, I don’t know about the Mother being angry – I think she should be more concerned but like I say – it’s impossible to know how long this has been happening… maybe she’s reached that point where concern has turned into anger.

“Turns away from Poe and closes her eyes.” See, it’s things like this that have ruined the story for me. The Mother is coming off a bit bitchy in this situation. They should be closer in this position, the death of a love one bringing them together, or at least make Mother (give her name, IMO) want to fight harder to help her daughter. She seems so dismissive at times. Maybe that’s just me.

You can cut “THAT NIGHT” Later would have sufficed.

Curtains and blinds… but no newspaper?

I’m not one that minds the odd “we see” but I do think it’s been unnecessary at times – you do it twice near the end in one paragraph and it doesn’t read well.

Well, that was anticlimactic – the Mother dies without much of a whimper. She’s definitely no Ellen Ripley. And I take it Poe died as well.

Yeah, this had some moments that if filmed right, could be very spooky like the newspaper peeling behind the Mother but overall to me – this one fell flat. The opening is a waste, I think the two boys released Emily somehow but we spend too much time on that scene so you think it will hold more relevance later which is doesn’t.

Then there is the connection between Emily and Poe – normally, and I do understand this is a short, but normally there is some link or reason for the ghost to be going after the kid. We get no reason here at all, it feels like Emily randomly picked this one out of a hat. Maybe she did?

What’s the biggest problem here is the human element – the mother/daughter relationship. That’s the backbone and the supernatural event should evolve around this but it’s not given any room to develop IMO. The ending falls a little flat with me because we get no real answers or conclusion for the characters and that’s a shame. There is definitely potential here, the fire ghost terrifying this single mother and child could make for a fine story. The premise is here but the execution is lacking.

Entire title page is to be plain 12 point courier, title all caps only, please.
Ditch the non-title blabbing on the title page.
Replace “Titles” with “SUPER”, for superimpose.
“We” don’t belong in a spec screenplay.
Enough with the format nitpicking, there’s a lively imagination at work.
Though the story unfolds a bit “predictably random” all the right elements are here to fabricate a decent story with a little nip & tuck.
Good work.

Writing style:
A little clunky at times, but it did the job.

Dialogue:
It was good enough for me.

Character:
I didn't care for them. I didn't know them enough to do.

Story:
I liked the build up. But the start confused me. I was thinking we're going back to Bruiser and Stick at some point. I didn't know it was an X-file like opening scene. Just to introduce the villain.

I didn't like the ending. The mother didn't put up much of a fight. I don't mind the villain winning but they have to earn it.

Overall:
Not caring for them, and the fact that they went down easily killed the script for me, although I liked the way you built tension.