SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is October 1st, 2020, 1:35am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)

Killer Dialogue blah, blah, blah... Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice has been posted.

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Romantic Comedy  ›  Screw You Tube
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Screw You Tube  (currently 2009 views)
Don
Posted: April 4th, 2015, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14155
Posts Per Day
1.97
Screw You Tube by David Lambertson - Romantic Comedy - Nathan Jones breaks up with his long time fiance by posting a video on You Tube. He learns the true meaning of hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.  105 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  November 25th, 2016, 6:53pm
Logged
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: April 4th, 2015, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
6025
Posts Per Day
2.68
This is in the wrong area (should be comedy - not drama) - I probably screwed up the submission - working on getting it fixed.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 8
bert
Posted: April 4th, 2015, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4138
Posts Per Day
0.73

Quoted from eldave1
This is in the wrong area (should be comedy - not drama) - I probably screwed up the submission - working on getting it fixed.


Fixed.  No worries.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 8
Dustin
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 9:29am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5234
Posts Per Day
1.99
I see an issue here with the usage of Youtube. But then we've had Google, Facebook, probably Twitter somewhere along the lines, so why not Youtube. I suppose it works, come to think of it... and may actually be a good call. I suppose what I mean by that is that it has potentially commercial legs. You shouldn't even need permission so long as Youtube is used just the way it is in real life and isn't set out to defame their image or whatever. So, after some thought, I think I've talked myself out of the issue with Youtube.

OK, I'm at the first 10 and I like how you've captured the characters. They're very real from both sides. You've done such a good job it's taken me back twenty years. I think I may be appreciating the skill used here because I've just read another character of yours on the complete opposite end of the age scale and you mastered that too.

At 24, and I'm calling this the end of act 1, where she finally finds out what he's done. I'm very impressed so far. Probably seen one typo, the writing is impeccable. You have a very solid basis for a good film here. I wouldn't watch it, but I can appreciate the talent involved in the story construction so far. This hits all the notes of a well told romcom.

The only thing actually that does annoy me a little is the use of RESIDENTIAL HOME in the slug, it seems a little too impersonal considering how many times it is used. I also had to double take on it because I thought at first it was like a care home or something. Not oo much of an issue though.

Code

HEATHER
It kind of works like a chain
letter. The video was posted on You
Tube and then shared on Facebook.
So all of Nathan's friends saw it,
all of Sarah's friends saw it and
then it is shared with people who
Sarah and Nathan may not even know.
And then those people share it with
their friends and so on and so on.
Oh, and anyone who is Googling how
to break up with someone is going
to see it. Sooner or later it goes
viral. 



Is this lengthy explanation as to how youtube works really necessary? Most people know how the internet works these days. It's fine to have the joke where the mother doesn't know, but I think that perhaps Sarah's troubles at the moment override the need for this explanation. I think Sarah shouting something like. "Because that's how the internet works Mom!" and maybe even leaving the mother without a full explanation would be best. I do like the viral line though, but I think this should stand on its own. Then have Sarah only realise that once she says it. Just one way around it. For me the lengthy explanation doesn't work and I imagine most viewers would zone out at that point. Not that they wouldn't come back again... but, I could be wrong. It's up to you decide what happens in your world.

Code

HEATHER
(viewing the laptop)
It says - "the girl should have put
out more." That's from someone
named SEX KING69.



This dialogue kinda explains about the strangers viewing the video and by this comment alone, Mom should pick up why this Youtube video is a bad thing. You could throw in an extra line from Mom here, like a shocked "Ohhhh." as it finally sinks in. Not sure if that works exactly, but you get my point.

The following dialogue doesn't really work for me either, because of the issue with the explanation. I don't feel this small section flows as well as the rest of the script.

Code

AARON
(to himself)
I don't think you're too fat.

Aaron reads the back of the compass.

AARON (CONT’D)
I think you're perfect. 



I knew this was coming so I'm not sure I like it signposted so obviously. I like the idea that I figured it (Aaron having a thing for Sarah) all out by myself without needing to be told... but then you tell me and I'm like... yeah, I already know. Personally, I'd end it there with her slamming the door on him. His face can say all of that anyway. I think you could trust the actor on this one.

Code

 She will watch this until she
becomes numb.



A lot of people may call the above a tell, but I like it. If I was a director reading that, I'd see it as a possible montage of her watching this video over and over again, getting angrier and angrier. Far simple to write what you have here than go into all the jargon necessary to show a montage.

Code

Startled, Josh rolls out of the bean bag chair into the
pizza. He sits up - a slice stuck to his shirt.



I think there's an opportunity here to ramp up the comedy a little, especially with Josh, he's the film's clown. He could attempt to throw the weed out of the window, as he does so he could still fall into the pizza but I'd rather it ended up stuck to his face, the weed could also land all over like an extra topping. So if it was the cops, he'd have been caught anyway.

Code

AARON
Did you figure out how to take the
video down yet?

JOSH
No, I told you, dude. I can't do it
without Nathan's password. 



He's a stoner. Maybe a quick, "What video?" before he remembers and then gives away he hasn't even tried yet by his vacant look. Then he tries to log in but doesn't know the password. I think we could see that and actually make that the point of this scene along with the no phone reception thing.

Code

SARAH
(sarcastically)
Oh yeah, the trolls are soooo
supportive. Here's one from DEADMAN
JOAQUIN.
(reading from IPAD)
"Dude, way to cut the fat." 


Great bit of dialogue.

I'm at 48 or 49 and only now is Sarah getting around to the revenge thing, we're half way into the film. I agree that it should come in the second act but perhaps the first part of the second act would be better. I notice there are over 100 pages in this and most romcoms I've seen usually run for no longer than 90 minutes. Some can run for 85 even. I think there are areas that can be cut, that don't really serve to move the story forward that would result in this beat naturally falling sooner. Completely up to you though, we're individuals, if we all wrote the same way what a boring world it would be.

Code

SARAH
That's right girls. Nathan Jones
reads at an eighth grade level. But
don't let that get you over
optimistic. He only comprehends at
a fifth grade level. 



LOL.

Code

GIRL 2
Bachelors?

NATHAN
Yeah, there are a lot of single
guys there.


Very funny.

Code

SARAH
Do you know me?



I think the above goes without saying. Her face could say it all. For the viewer the context already does a great job. It can only be Aaron. Well, I suppose you could make it anyone you like, but the viewer will be expecting it to be Aaron. Indeed, I did from the first comment.

Code

WIFE
You know. Soy sauce boy.


LOL. Excellent timing.

Code

"NATHAN JONES - LAUNDRY TIPS,
WEAR IT TILL IT SMELLS"



LOL.

Not really feeling the scene with the priest. Is it necessary?

It's a good romcom, it has its own angle and aside from a little pacing issue, I feel, it's pretty much done and ready to go. I'd suggest checking out companies that make these type of films and getting it out there. I think you could up the comedy ina couple of places, but over all it does exactly what you want it to. Any suggestions would be a matter of personal taste and any director or producer involved in this will have their own input. They may feel the pacing is spot on and that less comedy is required.

As a story this works. It's what I like to call a viable first draft and the success of this script does not rely on rewrites but a simple case of finding the right person to make it.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 8
eldave1
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
6025
Posts Per Day
2.68
Thanks much for the read - very helpful stuff.


Quoted Text
The only thing actually that does annoy me a little is the use of RESIDENTIAL HOME in the slug, it seems a little too impersonal considering how many times it is used. I also had to double take on it because I thought at first it was like a care home or something. Not oo much of an issue though.


Agree and an easy fix - thanks.


Quoted Text
Is this lengthy explanation as to how youtube works really necessary? Most people know how the internet works these days. It's fine to have the joke where the mother doesn't know, but I think that perhaps Sarah's troubles at the moment override the need for this explanation. I think Sarah shouting something like. "Because that's how the internet works Mom!" and maybe even leaving the mother without a full explanation would be best. I do like the viral line though, but I think this should stand on its own. Then have Sarah only realise that once she says it. Just one way around it. For me the lengthy explanation doesn't work and I imagine most viewers would zone out at that point. Not that they wouldn't come back again... but, I could be wrong. It's up to you decide what happens in your world.


Interesting - yeah, I had it there so that Sarah's Mom would be informed but I can see how in the moment of angst - a long explanation would not be forthcoming. Going to play with this - maybe use your line on that's how the internet works! with a follow-up form Heather akin to - "You know, like those kitten videos.


Quoted Text
This dialogue kinda explains about the strangers viewing the video and by this comment alone, Mom should pick up why this Youtube video is a bad thing. You could throw in an extra line from Mom here, like a shocked "Ohhhh." as it finally sinks in. Not sure if that works exactly, but you get my point.


got it.


Quoted Text
I knew this was coming so I'm not sure I like it signposted so obviously. I like the idea that I figured it (Aaron having a thing for Sarah) all out by myself without needing to be told... but then you tell me and I'm like... yeah, I already know. Personally, I'd end it there with her slamming the door on him. His face can say all of that anyway. I think you could trust the actor on this one.


Not sure I concur here - will mull it over.


Quoted Text
A lot of people may call the above a tell, but I like it. If I was a director reading that, I'd see it as a possible montage of her watching this video over and over again, getting angrier and angrier. Far simple to write what you have here than go into all the jargon necessary to show a montage.


I was wondering if I could get away with that. So far, so good.


Quoted Text
I think there's an opportunity here to ramp up the comedy a little, especially with Josh, he's the film's clown. He could attempt to throw the weed out of the window, as he does so he could still fall into the pizza but I'd rather it ended up stuck to his face, the weed could also land all over like an extra topping. So if it was the cops, he'd have been caught anyway.


Quite liked this - good suggestion.


Quoted Text
He's a stoner. Maybe a quick, "What video?" before he remembers and then gives away he hasn't even tried yet by his vacant look. Then he tries to log in but doesn't know the password. I think we could see that and actually make that the point of this scene along with the no phone reception thing.


Again - good suggestion.


Quoted Text
I'm at 48 or 49 and only now is Sarah getting around to the revenge thing, we're half way into the film. I agree that it should come in the second act but perhaps the first part of the second act would be better. I notice there are over 100 pages in this and most romcoms I've seen usually run for no longer than 90 minutes. Some can run for 85 even. I think there are areas that can be cut, that don't really serve to move the story forward that would result in this beat naturally falling sooner. Completely up to you though, we're individuals, if we all wrote the same way what a boring world it would be.


I will wrestle with this a little. In general, I agree sooner would be better. But also felt that time needed to percolate a bit to show that she is the type of person where revenge wasn't her first instinct. I'll play with it.


Quoted Text
Not really feeling the scene with the priest. Is it necessary?


It was the device for her to work through it - I'll take a second look. I guess I would view it as additive - not critical. If I get enuf folks to say that it is neither - it's an easy cut. But, I'm not there yet.


Quoted Text
It's a good romcom, it has its own angle and aside from a little pacing issue, I feel, it's pretty much done and ready to go. I'd suggest checking out companies that make these type of films and getting it out there. I think you could up the comedy ina couple of places, but over all it does exactly what you want it to. Any suggestions would be a matter of personal taste and any director or producer involved in this will have their own input. They may feel the pacing is spot on and that less comedy is required.

As a story this works. It's what I like to call a viable first draft and the success of this script does not rely on rewrites but a simple case of finding the right person to make it.


Thanks much for the review - good useful stuff!



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 8
Dustin
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5234
Posts Per Day
1.99
I think I'm just averse to characters talking to themselves. I've never liked seeing it in a script and I don't think it looks right filmed.

I think you already do an excellent job of showing it with subtext that to blatantly put it out there and with a character talking to himself... it ruined it for me.

Just by he looking at the compass and checking out the description, his face would say it all. I dunno... can you think of an instance in a film where the character talks to themselves and it works?


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 8
eldave1
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
6025
Posts Per Day
2.68

Quoted from Dustin
I think I'm just averse to characters talking to themselves. I've never liked seeing it in a script and I don't think it looks right filmed.

I think you already do an excellent job of showing it with subtext that to blatantly put it out there and with a character talking to himself... it ruined it for me.

Just by he looking at the compass and checking out the description, his face would say it all. I dunno... can you think of an instance in a film where the character talks to themselves and it works?


Off the top of my head - Taxi Driver and Caddyshack - but admittedly, in both of those cases for a different dramatic purpose. I get your point.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 8
Dustin
Posted: June 23rd, 2015, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5234
Posts Per Day
1.99
Yeah, I thought of Sexy Beast as soon as I'd written it, but again, different context. For me a character talking to themselves is usually the equivalent of characters thinking to themselves in a novel. Only in a screenplay we tend to want to vocalise those thoughts. But we must resist. We wouldn't have the character talking to themselves in a novel, there's no need as we can convey what they're thinking anyway.

Unfortunately in a screenplay, all we have is subtext. To go the talking to themselves route is cheating in my opinion... unless you can make it work. But generally, I think we should avoid it.

Anyway, I hope you get some more reads on this and, for anyone reading, I can recommend Dave as an excellent reviewer and story analyst, so return reads will be well worth anyone's while.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 8
eldave1
Posted: June 23rd, 2015, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
6025
Posts Per Day
2.68

Quoted from Dustin
Yeah, I thought of Sexy Beast as soon as I'd written it, but again, different context. For me a character talking to themselves is usually the equivalent of characters thinking to themselves in a novel. Only in a screenplay we tend to want to vocalise those thoughts. But we must resist. We wouldn't have the character talking to themselves in a novel, there's no need as we can convey what they're thinking anyway.

Unfortunately in a screenplay, all we have is subtext. To go the talking to themselves route is cheating in my opinion... unless you can make it work. But generally, I think we should avoid it.

Anyway, I hope you get some more reads on this and, for anyone reading, I can recommend Dave as an excellent reviewer and story analyst, so return reads will be well worth anyone's while.


Thanks for the shout out Dude


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 8
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Romantic Comedy  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006