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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Romantic Comedy  ›  Stand Tall!
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  Author    Stand Tall!  (currently 1063 views)
Don
Posted: September 28th, 2016, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Stand Tall! by Vincent Paterno - Romantic Comdy, Comedy - A Vegas waitress tripled in size falls for the scientist who accidentally enlarged her, sacrificing newfound showroom stardom to save him when he's kidnapped by her abusive ex, a blackmailing mobster and a haughty former showgirl. 99 pages

Treatment

contest:  Winner, Best Character in a Screenplay, Die Laughing Film Festival; Finalist in Los Angeles CineFest, IndustryBOOST; Finalist Las Vegas International Screenwriting competitions; Selection: Las Vegas International Film & Screenwriting Competition; Oaxaca FilmFest; LA LIVE FilmFest; Page Turner Screenplays. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  October 17th, 2018, 9:38am
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AlsoBen
Posted: September 29th, 2016, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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This seems bizzare. Makes me want to read it, which I will. Writer, let me know you're around and I'll put something up when I finish.


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Vincent
Posted: September 29th, 2016, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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I'm around, and looking forward to your feedback.

Yeah, it's bizarre, but in a sweet way, I hope. My thought behind STAND TALL! (note the exclamation point, which I presume couldn't be included in the subject line for stylistic reasons) was to create a homage to the popular sci-fi subgenre, the "giant woman" movie -- but to make it a full-fledged romantic comedy, with a lovable, supersized heroine who would rather entertain people than attack them. Hope you enjoy it.
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Vincent
Posted: October 2nd, 2016, 2:16am Report to Moderator
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Any further feedback on STAND TALL! would be appreciated.
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AlsoBen
Posted: October 2nd, 2016, 8:10am Report to Moderator
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Still working on getting this read, Vincent. Sit tight.


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Vincent
Posted: October 13th, 2016, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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I have an updated version of STAND TALL! How do I forward it?
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eldave1
Posted: October 13th, 2016, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Vincent: I read five. THere are real issues with the dialogue IMO - it is unnatural. Anyway:


Quoted Text
INT. BRYSON CASINO, LAS VEGAS - DAY


A real nit - but "Bryson" for a casino name is pretty unappealing/bland.  Unless it is named after a character somewhere down the line I would consider a change.


Quoted Text
COLLEEN COSSITT (3, a pert blonde in skimpy blue lingerie,
sheer-to-waist nude pantyhose and blue suede pumps, sensually
dances and sings on a mini-stage.

A bell rings; she stops.


Given the action later - I think a bit more description of the room would help. e.g., something like (just making this up).

INT. BRYSON CASINO, LAS VEGAS - DAY

Older, smaller and more rundown than the modern casinos.

POKER TABLES and SLOT MACHINES fill the room. A Bar and a mini-stage sit at the end of the room. On that stage, COLLEEN COSSITT (3, a pert blonde in skimpy blue lingerie,
sheer-to-waist nude pantyhose and blue suede pumps, sensually
dances and sings. She is paid little attention by the patrons.

A bell RINGS. Collen stops.


Not the above exactly - but something to show us the logistics of the room so that it makes sense when Collen grabs that tray and starts serving drinks.


Quoted Text
SUPER: The Bryson Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, June 1


Unless June 1 is important story wise - I would not be that specific on the date. Just say Summer of Spring - or nothing.

Look for opportunities to pop your action lines a bit. For example:


Quoted Text
Colleen goes to a poker table where KESWICK FLETCHER (40), in
an elbow-padded tweed jacket, sits eyeing his hand, and her.


Rather than the pedestrian - "goes" - use something more descriptive - e.g., sashays, or strolls.

I had problems with the dialogue. It is way too expositional and unnatural. Collen has known this guy forever and the first line exchange is:


Quoted Text
COLLEEN
Ten years ago today, the Bryson
began this “super server” program.
She gives a man seated at Keswick’s left a glass of water.

KESWICK
To serve, sing and dance.


That is not going to be the first greeting. It's going to be - Hey, how you doing? Or - I brought you the usual. I know you're trying to get the background stated - but this is not the way to do it.


Quoted Text
COLLEEN
I was in that first class. Not the
showgirl job I’d wanted--
KESWICK
Too short, unlike that lady you
just, uh, met?


Again - not a natural conversation amongst people who know each other. The entire scene here has this issue, IMO. GO through it and ask yourself - am I including this dialogue for exposition purposes - or it it how they naturally talk to each other?

From what I can see - this is an issue throughout. For example:


Quoted Text
COLLEEN
The son I'll never have, thanks to
my ex. And the money I don't have,
thanks to him, too.


They're sisters - they already know this - they would not say it.


Quoted Text
INTERCUT WITH:

INT. COLLEEN’S LAS VEGAS APARTMENT, KITCHEN - DAY
MAUREEN COSSITT (44), a blonde like her sister, albeit far
more world-weary in appearance.

MAUREEN (V.O.)
Ivan’s back in I-C-U.


If you are doing an Intercut you don't need the V.O.

Hope this helps - best of luck.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Vincent
Posted: October 14th, 2016, 2:20am Report to Moderator
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Made some of the changes you suggested, including defining the Bryson as a less glitzy, more old-school casino overshadowed by its glamorous neighbors on the Strip. Thanks.
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eldave1
Posted: October 14th, 2016, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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My pleasure - best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Vincent
Posted: October 14th, 2016, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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And in response to one of your comments, June 1 is an appropriate date to begin the story. It's near the end of the school year when 8-year-old Ivan Black is hospitalized. Then, as he's recuperating over the summer in Keswick Fletcher's warehouse turned home/laboratory, he, his mom Maureen Cossitt and the scientist's assistant Belinda Austin travel to Vegas to see the July 4 fireworks on the Strip, leaving Colleen Cossitt and Keswick alone for the first time since her growth into a giant. That evening, they confess they're in love with each other.
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eldave1
Posted: October 14th, 2016, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Got it - Still think you are better off going with something more generic - e.g., BEGINNING OF SUMMER  but if you think a specific date is critical - stick with it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Vincent
Posted: October 14th, 2016, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
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I should also note I named the casino the Bryson because from my former apartment in Los Angeles, I could see the Bryson, built in 1913 and first of the many mid- to high-rise apartment buildings on Wilshire Boulevard. (For several years, it was owned by actor Fred MacMurray, who was quite active in LA real estate.)
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FrankH
Posted: December 16th, 2017, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Vincent,

You still want some feedback on your script?

Latest version posted?

Frank


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Vincent
Posted: December 16th, 2017, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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I would love feedback -- especially since I've substantially revised the story after receiving coverage suggestions. The new version, which I'll try to upload here, can be found at https://filmfreeway.com/projects/476988.
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FrankH
Posted: December 23rd, 2017, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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Vincent,

Enjoyed reading your script.
Per your request, I e-mailed my review.

Good luck.

Frank



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