I liked the script but haven’t seen the movie. I’ll probably view the DVD as advertised on Netflix:

Armored truck guards Mike (Matt Dillon), Baines (Laurence Fishburne) and Quinn (Jean Reno) turn against one another after their plan to steal $10 million from their own company goes seriously haywire. A witness throws a wrench into their seemingly flawless strategy, so each man scrambles to save his own skin -- whatever the cost to the other conspirators. Nimród Antal directs and Columbus Short co-stars.

That’s a different spin on the script as other reviewers noted.

PACING -- It was definitely a fast read due to the extensive use of one line action sentences.

DIALOGUE – No one went on a tirade or a monologue. Dialogue read well if a bit simple.

CHARACTERS – Quickly drawn but nicely done. I barely felt concern for Jimmy when he is used as leverage on Ty. Perhaps, one more scene with Jimmy would have sold me on his genuine value to Ty. I read above that the movie attempted to do this. Good call even if it didn’t work out on the screen.  

I liked Baines as a normally an unnoticeable guy who was actually a nasty man with the will to do the deed whatever it took and can see why Fishburne went for it: Easy money based on his past characters.

Did anyone notice these guys had names that would fit well in a Western: Hackett,  Cochrane, Baines, and Dobbs? Heck, damn macho names for any film.

ACTION – Kept on stepping it up. [insert Toyota joke about stuck accelerator here]

STORY – Ty was too easily played into being a member of the team. I thought the letter was a bluff at first. These guys got paid on $10 per hour? Talk about temptation! I wonder how many full cans of kerosene are left around sites like this? I liked how Ty ended up using every resource he had (MacGyver never dies!) even the money. I could feel Cochrane and Baines getting pissed off beyond reason.

I couldn’t help think this script was reverse engineered from the contents of an ACT.  Cool.

DESCRIPTION – I didn’t like these phrases (mostly in the first pages):

-- He takes life too seriously to enjoy it.

-- This part of town is a world away from the ghetto where he works.

-- It's not the most expensive but it is the most beautiful.

-- The crushing weight of another shitty day melts away when she sees Ty standing outside.

-- Ty is struck by how beautiful she is.

I wasn’t sure if this was brilliant -- giving the actor his emotional setting -- or it was telling instead of showing. It reads well to me but felt like shorthand.

Overall, I liked the author’s storytelling and it was perfect for his story. It’s truly a blueprint for a movie.

Gary

Quoted from Grandma Bear I thought this one was good. Not great, but definitely good. I think Decadence hit on all points. It was a nice little action thriller, but I was never really in love with Ty. Someone compared it to a claustrophobic Die Hard. I disagree. Die Hard was loads better than this one. I'm not talking about the film, but the script. This script reminded me of Panic Room. I had a few issues too, with some of the plotholes. Like where were the GPSs? And when Ty was trapped inside and the cops were outside, why didn't he just toot the horn? That still works doesn't it? I did like the twist that came though, when Ty learns that he will be killed. Very good way of throwing the protag into a "new upside down world".

Is that it then? Is the script club finished?

I agree with you regards Ty, he's OK, nothing special. Personally I think he's about as developed as he needed to be for the action that took place. One of the things I liked about this was the way it got the information necessary across quickly and then, literally, cut to the chase.

It could have been better and had more layers, but I think it worked for what it was.

I liked  the way he protected the cop. It was obvious but for some reason I felt like I cared for the cop. The preceding scene was powerful as well, with the execution of the partner.

That worked because it underlined just how far they were now prepared to go.

They took that part out of the film funnily enough....there's only the one Cop, the guy who gets injured. So they break with Police protocol (no partner) and remove a really intense action beat. How weird is that?

The GPS thing was a real deal breaker for me. It really stuck out. It's even more laughable in the film when they've expanded the $10M to a whopping $42M, just because...introducing another plot hole because they could have still got away with $21M. In the script it makes some sense that they would stick around for the extra 5 as they've risked everything for the money and less than a million each isn't worth it. When we're dealing with figures like that...they should have just grabbed it and ran. A company that moves $10-42M about as a matter of routine and they don't have GPS in 2009? Yeah right.

Part of the fun of your ususal heist film is the complexity of the plan, figuring out just how they are going to pull it off. That was missing from this script, though I can't see it made an enormous difference. He definitley vould have been a bit sharper with the GPS though.

That's a personal bug bear of mine; when the writer mentions something in a script to try and hide the plot hole. It emphasises it even more because it shows they know it's there and are just too lazy to sort it out.

Another thing this film is missing: None of the characters had really good lines.  The dialogue was solid but uncharismatic. I know they are just ordinary guys, but still, I wanted a little more bite and wit at times.

That being said, I think from a writing point of view there is a lot to learn from the script.

There are a few genres that if you can find some kind of novel twist to, you've got a shot. The old cops and robbers one is a great example of that.

The blacklist always tends to have a high number of police drama type scripts and there is something about the human psyche that is deeply attracted to the outlaw characters, the people who live life on the edge and don't follow the rules. That's a vein that runs right through fiction and is particularly prevalent in film. Young men in particular really seem to "get" that kind of thing, it touches on that Aplha male thing, where people want to rule over everyone and get to do exactly what they want, instead of having to conform.

The action film as well is such a staple diet of cinema, but good ones don't come by all that often. The Bournes were really good, serious spy ones, after that...not many come to mind recently. Taken had some good energy....

Really we're still using Die Hard as the barometer of that fun, over the top, kind of action film. Lethal Weapon as well maybe...

The door is definitely still open there for someone with an idea...

Something that the writer did expertly I think, building up the tension continually. We had the ticking clock of the time running out for the bad guys, so the antagonists gradually got more and more desperate and dangerous and then he counteracted the hope that brought to Ty with the hinges (which I thought worked fabulously). So you had a double squeeze of pressure being exerted. That's definitely a technique to borrow if you can.

What? Script Club XII started!! Ok, I'll message George ASAP, read the script and be back with my thoughts... Good thing I checked the forum today!!

Cheers!!

Quoted from grademan Armored truck guards Mike (Matt Dillon), Baines (Laurence Fishburne) and Quinn (Jean Reno) turn against one another after their plan to steal $10 million from their own company goes seriously haywire. A witness throws a wrench into their seemingly flawless strategy, so each man scrambles to save his own skin -- whatever the cost to the other conspirators. Nimród Antal directs and Columbus Short co-stars. That’s a different spin on the script as other reviewers noted. CHARACTERS – Quickly drawn but nicely done. I barely felt concern for Jimmy when he is used as leverage on Ty. Perhaps, one more scene with Jimmy would have sold me on his genuine value to Ty. I read above that the movie attempted to do this. Good call even if it didn’t work out on the screen.   Gary

Just for reference: It's actually $42M in the film.


Your point about Jimmy is a good one. What needed to be seen I think was not so much more of him, but a good side to him. He is presented as a problem for Ty, so we don't have much sympathy. You need to see more of his nature to connect with him.

So, a good, well-written script. My genre? No. Someone mentioned somewhere that this was similar to 'Trespass', which I agree with. Zemeckis wrote that and it feels like a blueprint for this.

One thing that stood out was the style of the writing. Scant regard for 'unfilmables' and inclusion of 'us', for example. A while ago I was deeply influenced by these crazy little rules dictating such tactics disrupted the read, or that you should only write what can be shown; and while that is much discussed territory here, I thought it worthy of a mention, rather than a discussion sidetrack. To me, that has always inhibited the natural storytelling process and stunts natural writing, IMO.

Anyway, back to the script. I see that the lack of GPS was a problem for many. I have mixed feelings about that. It's not necessarily the current day, we just assume it is. Maybe GPS is pending a fit 'cos it's a new technology. There is no elaboration on it, and while it's an issue, I don't think it's a breaker.

A bigger problem was the motivation for why these characters did what they did. Cochrane and Baines were particuarly motivated to do anything for this money. The obvious conclusion would be that they're fed up with working for so little, yet being responsible for so much, and this is touched upon in dialogue. However, it's really paying lip service. We need to see something to that end. We need to see the desperation that has, presumably, led normal, working guys into such desperate measures - I don't think we should have to make the leap with one or two lines about "$10 an hour". Also, Ty appears - down to the letter's contents - to have been in and out with the robbery. The letter suggests he was going to expose the whole thing should he not return by 10. So, he was suspicious, then why go? The logic felt off.

Stevie, I think it was, touched on why would these guys risk everything? The script left that glaring problem - we needed extra motivation and that is where the director must've tried to inject some kind of theme. Yet to see the film, but it would appear he took the wrong route. Focusing on the injustice of the current economic problems provided something most would gorge on, yet that seemed lacking in the script.

The central question this type of film, to me, should be: Would you do it? So, the opening should provide some compelling motivation for us to side with the decision to go ahead. Incorporating more of the characters' motivations versus the risk would've helped achieve that. Wasted scenes like the playing a trick on Ty can be lost. Then, it's a case of exploring the greed which permeated the decision to off Ty, and to use him as a fall guy. That serves as a deep metaphor for any number of contemporary examples of greed.

My main criticism of this script is that it's all surface, and while that can be enjoyable, most of the time it falls flat unless it's stylish surface, i.e. Tarantino. Dec alluded to the fairly flat dialogue, and that is one area where a Tarantino or Ritchie would've bypassed the script's lack of a message. In lieu of that style, we're a bit empty and this problem stops the script being excellent.

Andrew

Andrew,

"Wasted scenes like the playing a trick on Ty can be lost".

In the film they considerably expand on that scene. They stage a full on hijacking of the van, by cutting the fuel lines so the van stalls, then balaclava'd figures fix a bomb to the back window. Ty is scared to death shouting about the bomb. It goes off destroying the window, but it's only a few harmless bangers.

This is how ridiculous the film version is. How did they get the truck back to the company in that state? How many questions would that raise? How come fireworks can blow through a bullet proof glass window?

Cochrane then tells Ty that it was a "test run" for the real thing, not just a joke, which is even sillier because it's not the plan at all. Their only plan is to drive to a warehouse....

The film version just starts to compound errors and absurdities on top of one another.

As for the criticism that it's all surface, I both agree and disagree. I can see where you are coming from, at the same time, I don't think it really needs any more than there is. The old "Some things in life are more important than money" was a strong enough theme for this type of thing and is particularly pertinent now.

Decadence, the above post is so right. I just realised that.

I thought this script was very slick.

The only thing which annoyed me was when there was a space between the line of action and the character name. Example:

"
Ty

jumps from the roof as

Baines

sprints towards the whatever.

"

I would have liked it to be all on the same line.

For those that haven't seen the film the girlfriend was cut out of it, and the emotional connection was with the brother. I thought this was a good move, as it wasn't using such a bit stereotype.

I have more to say about this script obviously, but dunno where to begin. It was a fast read and a cool script. Should it have sold for 400 grand? Fuck no, but what can ya do?!

I thought this script was good, not great. But from what I'm reading it sounds like the finished product was worse. Haven't seen the movie and I don't plan to, not only b/c of this, but also b/c action isn't really my thing. The reason I read it was to see what the writer did differently to make himself stand out -- apparently he didn't even need to do that as he was already well-represented.

Technically speaking, the script was very well-written. As was mentioned, all the elements of a professional script are there, and the formatting looked spot-on, other than the minor details Tommyp pointed out. Grademan mentioned some descriptions he didn't like -- I was okay with most of them, and didn't feel that they were overdone. My question is, could a real unknown, without representation, get away with them?

I think the dialogue was simple, but effective. Character development could have been better, and the girlfriend really wasn't necessary.

Ultimately, if I had to define the story's appeal to a studio, it would be this:

-- Simple, well-written, and easy to make. If marketed properly, could have hauled in a huge profit.

-- Story flowed very well. Easy to follow, but not necessarily predictable. Basic? Sure. Overdone? maybe. But that hasn't stopped Hollywood before.

-- The message. Though we're not certain it's present day, most are aware of the struggling economy, especially in Detroit. The timing was perfect for something like this, giving the characters ample motivation and the audience a conflict they can easily understand, if not relate to. (and of course, who doesn't love a happy ending? )

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films It's very interesting reading the scripts as well as watching the film. You can get such totally different experiences. I was all ready to tear the script apart once I'd seen the film, then totally changed my mind when I read it.

Most scripts I read and later watch the movie, I'm 99% sure the script was better than the film. Just like the books so many films are based on are always better than the movie.

Too bad like you say that they changed the whole feel of the script.

I can live with the Iraqi vet thing, but Cochrane being his God father seems really bizarre.

Quoted from NJDevil -- The message. Though we're not certain it's present day, most are aware of the struggling economy, especially in Detroit. The timing was perfect for something like this, giving the characters ample motivation and the audience a conflict they can easily understand, if not relate to. (and of course, who doesn't love a happy ending? )

Happy endings seems to be something Hollywood demand for the American audience.

About the timing of this film and the economy. We did a SC last year (I think) where we read "I want to fuck your sister". I said at that time that I couldn't see that film ever making it to the theaters because of the economy. It was about, young Wall Street raiders and who wants to  sit and watch a film like that in these times? If anything, I think people are really pissed at Wall Street. Having said that, I think that you can write a good script, but you can be unlucky by unforseen events that prevents your script from being sold.

I admit to not having read the script until just now. To be honest, my biggest problem with it is the "twist" where Cochrane reveals that he's going to kill Ty as part of the plan. Granted, that sets the whole second act into motion, but that also throws the biggest wrench into their "perfect plan." I mean, a crazy amount of holes can be punched in such a plan. If they are robbed, then they can call it in or whatever, but if someone is shot, they would have to stay put wherever it occurred. I doubt a rational person (since they would have to pretend to be so for the sake of the plan) would go "well, he's dead, I guess we should just load him up and go." I mean, they could have just shot him in the vest and that would have been enough. That is actually my biggest complaint is that the big event is too contrived for my taste.

Everything else (accepting that element) is all right. The GPS bit talked about was no big issue for me. Is it logical for them to have done it sooner? Sure, but they also explain that it's in the plans. It's just like any company to delay upgrades for cost.

The letter is a tad on the weird side though. His brother hates him and yet, he trusts his brother enough to write him a letter of that magnitude. Really? Jimmy had the reaction anyone would expect. He threw it away.

While the other guys in the robbery had little to no development, in a story like this, there's not much to develop. I'm sure they all could have had suitable sob stories or they could just be greedy. Greed is the primary motivation for any of them, or shooting Ty would not have been in the plans. Money makes people do really, really stupid things. I show up to work at 4:30am every day for money. I blow off perfectly good writing time to try and fix other people's problem. I put myself at the mercy of someone else's dream instead of chasing my own. All for money. How stupid is that?

When it comes to motivation, all you have to do is dangle a big enough carrot and people buy it. So, really, the fact that they all consented to a robbery speaks volumes of their character and desperation. The $10 an hour bit only solidifies how much they need it, since $10 an hour isn't as much as it used to be.

And I actually prefer a good happy ending in a script like this. It's like the satisfying stop at the end of a roller coaster ride. Down endings are only ok when there is prime justification and setup for it. A down ending here would not have worked because it would have come out of no where.

Such are my thoughts.

So no one has really hit on their plan so far. No one else took an issue with the whole plan revealed of having a man down, even though he would have been shot no where near wherever they would have claimed the robbery occurred? Even though it took a perfectly simple and workable plan and made it complex and stupid? It's a topic....

I don't have much to add to what people have already said. The script would've been appealing to producers because it presents as a relatively easy shoot, due to it having a handful of locations and it has the type of action that usually appeals to the popcorn eaters.

The action was pretty good but it really wasn't anything we haven't seen before. The characters were also paper thin and the dialogue was dull.. The only character I found kinda of interesting was Baines, because he went postal. But that was only superficial action. His personality, like every other character, wasn't very engaging. I also thought the build up to getting the protag (forgotten his name already) was really very weak. He joined in the group's plan with very little prompting, and I didn't buy it. They'd already tested him out with one prank; surely he would've thought that their crazy heist plan was just another test. Worse still his motivation for doing the job, while somewhat plausible, was boring. His power was cut off and he was struggling for a quid. This is show business, baby, I need the stakes to be a little higher. Also the “no one gets hurt” lines were painfully cheesy. As soon as they said them you just knew a shit load of people were going to get hurt. It was just a lazy and transparent attempt to make the protagonist look like a nice guy.
So off the back of this I'd be telling the writer the action was entertaining and suspenseful enough. But the characters need a few more layers and the protag needs greater and more interesting motivation to participate in the heist.

Actually, I thought Ty's motivation was enough. I've been there. And seeing that much money flow past me in a day would piss me off, and I'd want a piece of it. When your income scrapes the bottom of the barrel, and you want to provide for your family, there is very little you won't do. Hence when this "opportunity" arose, I had very little doubt to his motivation.

Now, this is not to say it couldn't have been better. Frankly, they're irresponsible with money. If the power was out, I would not have gone out for dinner (Chinese take out though it may be). I would have made mac and cheese or something at home (provided their stove is gas). They probably spent five to ten bucks on the Chinese where mac and cheese is a cool 50 cents if you have the milk and butter on hand. Well, my power would not have been out to begin with because working two jobs provides ample funds to pay rent on an apartment and your utilities. Add to that the girlfriend also had a job. That makes three incomes. Suddenly, my sympathy for their situation decreases. Better would have been he loses his second job, she lost hers due to some illness (pregnancy would been even better), and they're strapped due to hospital bills. That's motivation. Two people with three incomes can live like kings if they spend wisely.

George,

Now that you mention it, it does seem a bit silly. Particularly the fact that it's not near the scene of the robbery.

I can't remember what the specifics of the plan were, were they supposed to have been forced to go to the warehouse by the hijackers?

If so, it makes a bit more sense becasue if they could have been made to head to the warehouse in the firstplace, the execution of one of them as a sign they were serrious would make sense.

Hey guys, I just remembered another point, and it ties in well with what you are all talking about.

I like like the killing of the homeless man in the film instead of the plan of killing Ty (they are the turning point, right?) because there is more emotion there.

The audience can connect with the position Ty is in.

'Oh God, he just killed a guy, but all those millions, hmmm.'

I also thought the film version was more natural. Yes, the second the plan was revealed that they were going to kill Ty would look good on the trailer, but the overall feel and emotion in the film would lack.

Talking of trailers, i've read it's very important when writing to keep the trailer in mind, and this script there were lot's of "trailer moments", therefore marketable.