All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
After some trial and error I realize I'll have to break this into two posts, so bear with me.
This is a bit from one of my very favorite screenplays, Lone Star by John Sayles. The scene involves a flashback; notice how he handles the transition from present, to past, then back again, without any jarring, interruptive SCENE HEADINGS or INSERTS. Also, notice how the scene includes exposition, foreshadowing, character development both past and present -- all in one simple little scene. This is just good writing, plain and simple.
HOLLIS The two of us were the only deputies back then me and Buddy--it's what-- '58--
FENTON (O.S.) '57, 1 believe--
HOLLIS And the Sheriff at the time was Big Charley Wade. Charley was one of your old-fashioned bribe-or-bullets kind of Sheriffs, he took a healthy bite out of whatever moved through this county.
He looks down at the table--
HOLLIS It was in here one night, back when Jimmy Herrera run the place. Started right here in this booth.
We PAN down to the table, The food has changed. The tortillas are in a straw basket instead of plastic. The jukebox changes to ANOTHER SONG and the LIGHT DIMS slightly. A hand with a big Masonic ring on one finger appears to lift a tortilla-- underneath it lie three ten-dollar bills. The hand lifts them up and we TILT to see the face of SHERIFF CHARLEY WADE, a big, mean redneck with shrewd eyes. It is 1957--
WADE (Grins) This beaner fare doesn't agree with me, but the price sure is right.
WIDER
Wade sits across from his young deputies, YOUNG HOLLIS (30s) and BUDDY DEEDS (20s). A chicken-fried steak sits untouched in front of Buddy. Hollis has the anxious look of an errand boy, while Buddy is self-contained and quietly forceful for his age.
BUDDY What's that for?
WADE Jimmy got a kitchen full of wetbacks, most of 'em relatives. People breed like chickens.
BUDDY So?
WADE I roust some muchacho on the street, doesn't have his papers, all he got to say is "Yo trabajo para Jimmy Herrera."
Wade folds the money and stuffs if in his pocket--
WADE You got to keep the wheels greased, son. Sheriff does his job right, everybody makes out. Now this is gonna be one of your pickups, Buddy. First of the month, just like the rent. Get the car, Hollis.
Hollis stops a few feet away, shocked. Wade just stares down at Buddy.
WADE Come again?
Buddy looks Wade in the eye, seemingly unafraid.
BUDDY It's your deal. You sweated it out of him, you pick it up.
WADE There's gonna be some left over for you, Buddy. I take care of my boys.
BUDDY That's not the point.
WADE You feeling bad for Jimmy? Have him tell you the size of the mordida they took out of his hide when he run a place on the other side. Those old boys in Ciudad Leon--
BUDDY I'm not picking it up.
WADE You do whatever I say you do or else you put it on the trail, son.
The CUSTOMERS are all watching now, nervous. Buddy thinks for a moment, not taking his eyes off Wade.
BUDDY How 'bout this--how 'bout you put that shield on this table and vanish before you end up dead or in jail?
Wade rests his hand on his pistol. It is dead silent but for the MUSIC on the box.
BUDDY You ever shoot anybody was looking you in the eye?
WADE Who said anything about shootin' anybody?
Buddy has his gun out under the table. He slowly brings it up and lays it flat on the table, not taking his hand off it or his eyes off Wade.
BUDDY Whole different story; isn't it?
WADE You're fired. You're outta the department.
BUDDY There's not a soul in this county isn't sick to death of your bullshit, Charley. You made yourself scarce, you could make a lot of people happy.
WADE You little pissant--
BUDDY Now or later, Charley. You won't have any trouble finding me.
Wade feels the people around him waiting for a reaction. He leans close to Buddy to croak in a hoarse whisper.
WADE You're a dead man.
He turns and nearly bumps into Hollis. He gives the Deputy a shove.
WADE Get the goddamn car. We're going to Roderick's.
CU BUDDY
He watches till the screen door shuts behind them, then holsters his gun and begins to saw at the steak as if nothing had happened. He calls softly--
BUDDY Muchacho--mas cerveza por favor.
He looks up at somebody and we PAN till we see Sam, still standing over the booth, listening. We are back in 1995--
What a great scene. Tense, suspenseful and revealing. If you haven't seen this movie, or read the script, you're missing out.
Some more from Goliath (half way through, this rocks!)
Code
INT. GLADIATORIAL ARENA - SAME
SAVAGE CHEERING. Wild ONLOOKERS of every ethnicity pack the
terraced benches. Gamblers exchange coins. Drunken youths
start a CHANT. The crowd joining in. One word. Over and over.
At the arena’s center stands the victor. Soaking up the
exaltation. A towering figure. A body of enormous power and
indeterminate age. A nervous SLAVE gouges a cutlass into his
back, slicing a tally mark to record another kill as we
CIRCLE AROUND THE GIANT
In a full arc, revealing that his torso is covered in tally
marks. It’s clear now that the crowd is chanting his name:
G O L I A T H
First you notice that he’s smiling. Blood splashed across his
surprisingly soft features. He throws back his head and
laughs from deep in his throat. A man who was born for this.
One of the greatest script and character intros I've ever read was from a script called Deader, which was bought by Hollywood but never produced, by a writer named Neil Marshall Stevens. It was eventually adapted into a Hellraiser straight-to-DVD flick, though. Ouch for the writer, because it is truly one of the most brilliant screenplays ever wrriten.
Code
FADE IN ON:
EXT., DAY, A BUILDING ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE OF MANHATTAN
A big sign identifies this old brick building as the home
of "The Underground" -- a weekly newspaper in the
"Village Voice" mode, only scuzzier. We see a big poster
outside showing the cover of this week's edition. A big
headline reads, "How to be a Crack Whore" written over a
photo of a crack den in which we glimpse things better
left unseen. Beneath the headline is written, "A special
report by Amy Klein."
CUT TO:
INT., DAY, THE ELEVATOR
It's one of those too-small elevators that you find in
older buildings. There are several PASSENGERS on board.
Among them is the aforementioned, AMY KLEIN, a woman in
her mid-twenties. She's all in black, from her black
sneakers and black stockings up to her rimless black sun
glasses and jet black hair. The only thing about her
that isn't black is a complexion so translucently pale
that it bespeaks only the most rare and grudging
familiarity with daylight. She has a paper coffee cup
and a cigarette in the same hand, and she alternates sips
of coffee with puffs of her cigarette with a practiced
proficiency. She ignores the unhappy looks of her fellow
passengers. She clearly has practice at this as well.
One of the greatest script and character intros I've ever read was from a script called Deader, which was bought by Hollywood but never produced, by a writer named Neil Marshall Stevens. It was eventually adapted into a Hellraiser straight-to-DVD flick, though. Ouch for the writer, because it is truly one of the most brilliant screenplays ever wrriten.
Code
FADE IN ON:
EXT., DAY, A BUILDING ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE OF MANHATTAN
A big sign identifies this old brick building as the home
of "The Underground" -- a weekly newspaper in the
"Village Voice" mode, only scuzzier. We see a big poster
outside showing the cover of this week's edition. A big
headline reads, "How to be a Crack Whore" written over a
photo of a crack den in which we glimpse things better
left unseen. Beneath the headline is written, "A special
report by Amy Klein."
CUT TO:
INT., DAY, THE ELEVATOR
It's one of those too-small elevators that you find in
older buildings. There are several PASSENGERS on board.
Among them is the aforementioned, AMY KLEIN, a woman in
her mid-twenties. She's all in black, from her black
sneakers and black stockings up to her rimless black sun
glasses and jet black hair. The only thing about her
that isn't black is a complexion so translucently pale
that it bespeaks only the most rare and grudging
familiarity with daylight. She has a paper coffee cup
and a cigarette in the same hand, and she alternates sips
of coffee with puffs of her cigarette with a practiced
proficiency. She ignores the unhappy looks of her fellow
passengers. She clearly has practice at this as well.
I'm not impressed. His formating is off and one doesn't have to wonder too long why it was never produced in high concept. And, even more fitting, it became a Hellraiser direct to DVD? Classic. Of note, and edit, I'm going to look for a passage I feel embodies good screenwriting. I'll post it below here so as to not tack up the thread with needless post.
EDIT:
This little page is the last scene of a tremendously well written flick. I think this embodies, as does most of the script, what a good screenplay should be written like. It walks a fine line of both strict format and stylized format. It takes liberties and wrangles itself in often. Good read. The entire script and I encourage it to be read by all.
I'm not impressed. His formating is off and one doesn't have to wonder too long why it was never produced in high concept. And, even more fitting, it became a Hellraiser direct to DVD? Classic.
For some reason we're not allowed to comment here, Balt, only post excerpts - that we're not allowed to comment on. Go figure.
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
For some reason we're not allowed to comment here, Balt, only post excerpts - that we're not allowed to comment on. Go figure.
Sarcasm does not become you, Snipe. Well, not often, anyway. It is cute sometimes.
It isn't that you cannot comment here, really -- just that this thread has no meaning if it becomes a place to rip apart the passages and argue about what is "unfilmable" for the 100th time.
The only reason so many posts got deleted before is because the thread was so faaaar off track. There was no way to pick and choose deletions and still have a coherent thread that made sense.
Now quit busting my chops. Cleaning out this thread took a frickin' hour, so don't give me any sh*t.
I'm not impressed. His formating is off and one doesn't have to wonder too long why it was never produced in high concept. And, even more fitting, it became a Hellraiser direct to DVD? Classic. Of note, and edit, I'm going to look for a passage I feel embodies good screenwriting. I'll post it below here so as to not tack up the thread with needless post.
Yes, the format is off, but that character description... WOW. Vivid hard-hitting visuals, I can see the character almost as if she is right in front of me. Writing wise, this script was phenomenal, and the concept was just mindblowing.
I am kind of stealing JB's idea here, with his well conceived thread that ended up in a bit of a mess. It was a good thread to start however, and we need more like it round here. So in honour of JB's great writing thread, I propose a thread for people to post their favourite scenes.
It would be great however if we could try and stick to great scenes that are written well, rather than great scenes that just look great on screen. I think that quality examples would be a great tool for people to learn more about how some scenes are constructed and why.
So maybe if the poster could add a few lines as to why they think it is a great scene?
-------
First up is one I am shamelessly stealing from John August's blog, not only is it a great scene, but it is even more great having his explanation of why he wrote this scene and what he was trying to achieve with it. It makes sense, it does work exactly how he envisaged it.
I was reminded of this the other day when for some reason I decided to watch The Minority Report again, and saw this scene for the first time since I read his take on it and thought it was spot on.
He did some work on the Minority Report script and had to come up with a scene that allowed the audience to quickly believe in the idea of future crime. It is a pivotal moment in the film, maybe the most important scene in the script when you consider that getting it right it crucial to the success of the film. If we do not believe in the concept and start asking questions then we are going to drop out pretty quickly. He calls it "Taking away the questions", and suggests we do it as early as possible.
So he came up with this....
Quoted Text
WITWER But it’s not the future if you stop it. Isn’t that a fundamental paradox?
Jad sets the sphere down on the table, needing both hands to explain this.
JAD You’re really talking about predetermination, which happens all the time.
Unseen by Jad, the sphere is starting to roll towards the edge of the table, building up speed.
JAD (CONT’D) In fact, it’s easy to demonstrate...
At the last moment, Witwer catches it. Everyone smiles.
KNOTT Why did you catch that?
WITWER Because it was going to fall.
FLETCHER You’re certain?
WITWER Yes.
JAD But it didn’t fall. You caught it.
Witwer smiles a little, starting to catch on.
JAD (CONT’D) The fact that you prevented it from happening doesn’t change the fact that it was going to happen.
WITWER It’s the same with the murders.
FLETCHER The precogs are showing us what’s going to happen unless we stop it.
Quoted Text
(In the final movie, it’s Tom Cruise’s character (Anderton) rather than Jad who provides the explanation. And that’s an understandable change: you want your hero to feel in command of the facts.)
In any script, look for scenes in which characters answer questions, and try to find ways to take the questions away. Often, that means backing up five or ten pages, well before the audience has started to formulate their concerns, and finding a way to visualize (or better yet, physicalize) the problem.
The first Jurassic Park does this well, with the animated science lesson setting the ground rules and chopping down poles upon which red flags might fly. Likewise, the first acts of most horror movies are largely devoted to creating situations in which the characters can’t simply escape or call for help. The more artfully it’s done, the less you notice the setup.
Nor can comedies waste time addressing audience concerns. Groundhog Day churns through a number of possible solutions to Bill Murray’s dilemma in a montage that makes you feel certain that he’s tried everything, whether you’ve thought of it or not.
Pages: 
Author
How to do it: Examples of great Pro writing
Logged
Locked Board