Hi,
Here's the logline to a script of mine:

After being left for dead by a powerful drug lord a smuggler uses a serial killer to take horrific revenge.

But I feel it doesn't cover enough. A brief summary would be:

When a transaction with a drug lord goes horribly wrong a smuggler barely survives being shot and viciously beaten.
Ignoring his wife's protests he enters a living nightmare of horrific murder, a cop with his own brand of justice, out of control conspiracies, and a serial killer playing the most dangerous game. All leading to a final deadly confrontation in a savage land within Africa. A land that his wife calls home.

For me that gives more of a flavour of my script and hopefully would intrigue someone to read it.
Has anyone any thoughts and/or advice?

Thank you.

Paul

It's really hard to come up with ways to keep the logline short and add the same flavor of detail you have (I'm having the same trouble).  Maybe something like this:

Left for dead after a deal in Africa goes horribly wrong, a smuggler and a serial killer play a game of cat and mouse with a powerful druglord.

Very difficult to add nuance to a 15-20 word logline.

Hey Paul,

Something is missing in the logline and the summary is a little vague and confusing.

What intrigues me in the summary, however, is the character of the wife, Africa and the conspiracies. Is this really just a revenge story between a drug lord and a smuggler or is there a "bigger picture" here?

The logline presents a rather linear revenge story. The problem is that there is nothing really remarkable about a negative character (drug smuggler) taking revenge on another negative character (drug lord) using an even more negative character (serial killer) with a horrific ending.

It's lacking a counterweight. Something standing in the way of the protagonist. An obstacle. Inner turmoil. Something at stake.

I think that the wife, the conspiracies and the location of the story may hold that missing element your logline needs.

Just my 0.02$

After being left for dead, a smuggler extracts revenge on a drug lord in a most unusual way.


Phil

Hi,
Thanks for the responses.

Only the last part of the script is set in Africa. The first part could be here in the UK or in the USA.

The revenge is the starting point, it pulls you in and you'll think you know where it's heading but it takes you into the horrific consequences of the smuggler's actions and into conspiracies-upon-conspiracies. How he faces up to all this ties into the script's themes.
You will not see the twists and turns coming and you won't be expecting how emotionally you'll react. Imagine a thriller thats fast-moving and will break your heart. A little different to the normal. I've worked hard on that and it's delivered.
What I have done is take some "stock" characters and situations and brought more emotional depth and character shading to them than is usually portrayed. It gives the script more of a kick.

There are many layers which won't fit into a logline so I guess it's a matter of giving a taster. Plus I don't want to give away the surprises:

Seeking revenge upon a drug lord a smuggler enters a living nightmare of a cop with an out of control conspiracy, horrific murder, a serial killer playing the most dangerous game, leading to a deadly confrontation in a savage land within Africa, a land that his wife calls home.

It is a sentence. A looooong sentence but still a sentence.

Thanks again.

Paul

A double crossed drug runner consumed with vengeance unwittingly puts his own family in the line of fire.

E.D.

It's way too long, Paul, and kind of hard to follow.

Thirty words is considered the limit in loglines, though the shorter the better.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe After being left for dead, a smuggler extracts revenge on a drug lord in a most unusual way.

I'd use "exact" instead of "extract"

After being left for dead, a smuggler exacts revenge on a drug lord in a most unusual way.

"most unusual" lacks a certain punch, IMO.

A vengeful smuggler goes up against the drug lord who nearly killed him in this fast-paced, emotionally gripping thriller.

That's an interesting take on it.
But it's clear to me the logline really doesn't do the script or the writer any favours.
A brief synopsis would be better with possibly a few comments from the writer regarding their intentions.

Once again thank you for your responses.

Paul

I never liked phrases like fast-paced, emotionally gripping, epic etc.. Many times, writers use these terms and the scripts don't live up to the description.

The logline should should tell you what the script is about.  Not what the story is.  You don't need to go into details; you just need to get people to open the script.  There are a number of scripts on these boards that don't get read.  A dull logline is a big reason behind this.


Phil

Quoted from Electric Dreamer A double crossed drug runner consumed with vengeance unwittingly puts his own family in the line of fire. E.D.

That's an awesome logline. It gives me all the basic info I need and makes me instantly wonder what the outcome will be. I'd pay to see that movie.

Quoted from kendg8r It's really hard to come up with ways to keep the logline short and add the same flavor of detail you have (I'm having the same trouble).  Maybe something like this: Left for dead after a deal in Africa goes horribly wrong, a smuggler and a serial killer play a game of cat and mouse with a powerful druglord. Very difficult to add nuance to a 15-20 word logline.

Left for dead, a smuggler and a serial killer play a game of cat and mouse with a powerful druglord.

I just took out a few unnecessary words.


Phil

Quoted from JonathanS That's an awesome logline. It gives me all the basic info I need and makes me instantly wonder what the outcome will be. I'd pay to see that movie.

*humbly takes a bow*

Cheers, good sir.
IMHO loglines are not about nuance, that are about a hook.
Grab someone in less than 30 words.
Then the serial killer pacts and deadly African setting are gravy for the script reader.
I know the writer wanted all that detail, but its not a hook.
Which is probably why they would not consider my submission any good.
Still, it was a fun exercise for me and I'm glad it has at least one fan.
Wonder if you can get a paying job as a logliner in Hollywood. =p

Regards,
E.D.

How about:

Conspiracies collide when a smuggler uses a serial killer to take horrific revenge upon a vicious drug lord.


What do you folks think????

Paul

Just looking on this site re posting my script and I can have up to three sentences for the logline. Now that's better.

Conspiracies collide and a living nightmare begins when a smuggler uses a serial killer to take horrific revenge upon a vicious drug lord.

??????? I think it shows there's more to it than a simple revenge tale.

Again all your thoughts are welcome.

Paul

Quoted from PaulUK Conspiracies collide when a smuggler uses a serial killer to take horrific revenge upon a vicious drug lord.l

When I think conspiracies, I think the government.

Someone referred to cat-and-mouse games, earlier.  Work with that.


Phil

But there are no cat-and-mouse games.

How would you describe how the smuggler and hitman are going after the drug dealer?

And, for Christ's-sake, review some scripts.  Free advice isn't free, ya know.


Phil

Phil,

Please please please.
Cat-and-mouse = "a contrived action involving constant pursuit, near captures, and repeated escapes" (yeah I copied-and-pasted) and that's not what happens.

When I get all the online connection problems with a certain service provider sorted out I will indeed spend more time on this site and will gladly share my thoughts. For what they are worth. Until then just a few snatched moments I'm afraid.

We won't know how, exactly, the smuggler pursues the drug lord until we see a script.  And reading other people's scripts help you get read.

Download a couple of shorts and see if their loglines apply to their stories.  Loglines don't have to be completely accurate; they have to get you to read the script.


Phil

Thanks Phil,
It's all good stuff.

Hi,
Well someone has shown interest in my logline, which I did get down to a few words. Let us see if it works out hey?

Happy New Year to everyone.  

Hi,
I have contacted many agents and production companies etc re my script "Watch And See" and I've sent my script to a few. While awaiting their response I find myself fiddling with the logline. We all know the reasons why loglines are not easy. Anyway please do take a look and let me know your thoughts, maybe I should just leave it alone, take up knitting, spend more time writing. I know, I know.  

The logline I have used which has gained some interest in my script is:
After surviving being shot by a drug lord an amoral but charming smuggler teams up with a vigilante cop to use a serial killer as a hit man to take revenge.

The logline I'm thinking of using is:
A husband and wife smuggling team use a serial killer to take revenge against a drug lord.But the drug lord's six year old son is with him as the serial killer closes in.

Any thoughts ???