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I'm conflicted when it comes to how I should write my slug lines, and I do understand that there is no right or wrong way, not really.
Reading something like Lethal Weapon, Tarantino, or even Big Trouble in little China, the first thing you'll notice is the VAST amount of "rule breaking" in the screenwriting department, in both formatting and general rule of thumb in the action lines. Even instances of speaking to the audience, which is something else that is typically frowned upon.
So, how can certain screenplays make it through, while others are completely disregarded by judges at film fests? Is it the judge who happens to read it?
Here is a quick example of something I've written, and I'd appreciate an opinion on how these lines are worded.
Morris kneels down and begins to pick the lock. He hums Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody.
JOE Queen? Why the hell are you humming that?
MORRIS Shut up.
Morris continues to hum and work on the lock.
JOE Come on, come on already.
Joe is antsy.
MORRIS Please shut up?
JOE Watch out I'm gonna kick it-
The ants in Joe's pants are fed up and need to get out. Joe puts his hands on Morris' shoulders and begins to pull at him.
Morris drops the lock pick and bucks Joe back. He steps close to Joe, and their noses almost touch.
MORRIS -Don't you ever put your hands on me again, you got that? Let me concentrate. If I'm humming past the first verse, I know the lock won. Matter of fact, I just simply enjoy Queen, so don't interrupt. (beat) How bout you be constructive somewhere else?
Morris points towards the fence and smacks a couple of kisses at Joe.
Joe walks through the minefield of dog shit and looks over the fence toward the neighboring house.
The humming continues all the way until he says he's got it. Do I need to put in there that the humming is interrupted and restarted each time he tells Joe to shut up? I don't think so, right?
I was talking about the lock. It's clear from what you have already that the humming is interrupted each time. You don't need to state the obvious. If you use the 'wiggling pick' thing then that leads to other inventive sentences later down the line.
You're overthinking things. Just write what is most important in getting the image across to the reader. We have imaginations too and will build images from small pieces of information. Like if we're in a forest, it goes without saying that there will be lots of trees.
Yea, I've had some bad habits of including obvious slug lines, or sometimes stating the obvious.
In the example I posted, I was more interested in the part where I talk about Joe being antsy, and how I did those action lines. Are they distracting, or do they "work"?
Steven, your title here is about Slugs, but it seems you're actually looking for advice on your action/description lines.
Remember, when you're looking at Tarantino, Black, or any of these sorts of writers, you really can't compare what they do to being "right" or "wrong" - they do whatever they want and it's actually unlikely whatever draft you're looking at is actually what they wrote as a final script.
Dustin is right in what he's telling you here. Drop the smartass asides and write the action as it occurs.
Tarantino probably shouldn't even be mentioned here since he writes/directs his own stuff, and is at a point where he more than likely doesn't need to get approval on what he does.
I've struggled with "is this action line too simple?", but I guess as long as the point get's across.
That's true. I'm learning as I go. I do have one short that went through a festival and picked up an award in screenwriting...so that has pushed me along quite a bit.