Name redacted, hmmm. Does the software insert that or is that the author's contribution? It's just very formal, which is obviously fine, but it spoke to me that this person means business.

The script itself has a good little concept and it all wraps itself up nicely with the logline effectively working as the punchline. The thing I like about this script is it works on a simple A to B narrative on the page but also works allegorically should the reader so choose. This draft needs work but suggests to me the writer is someone who doesn't just dive straight onto the page.

There are certainly dystopian underpinnings in this world and Gerald's misfortune obviously tells us this is an alive and well black market with a technology and science acquired presumably from [insert any number of interesting possibilities]. Seeing only such a small window of this world - laden with all its thematic potential - left me a little unsatsfied. Ultimately that's a compliment as much as a slap in the face criticism.

Without question the most promising of the batch I've read so far. Intrigued to see who wrote this.

I won't get into too much depth here, because while I felt this was talk heavy, I didn't really mind it. (It seems some here have a problem with dialog heavy scenes. Maybe it's just me. A few might have trouble with the four line blocks early on; I didn't)...

But this is, my favorite thus far.. I even liked it better than my own. Stands out in spades. I really liked it a lot.

Nothing more to add. Nothing too objectionable or questionable.

This was good but had two issues.  The first is that the twist I saw coming a mile away.  The second is that the twist doesn't really work IMO because Steve is described to be in "bad shape, physically weak" due to heart failure.  Even if Ed were to put a bunch of makeup on the body I think it would be evident that this body is not healthy.  

Also break up those lengthy descriptions at the beginning.  Not the prettiest thing to look at.

So this was good.  Imaginative.  Eerie in a way.  Creative.  Nice job.

Greg

My new favourite. Loved the characters and concept. Ed was a nice suprise as many would write his part as a mad scientist. He comes over as an arms or drugs dealer!
The dialogue was great and the twist was excellent (though I saw it coming a mile off - well, when Gerald turned up!) but then again I figured out Seven, Fight Club and Sixth Sense in the first act!
Some of the descriptions were a little overpadded but that is my only criticism.
Very good.

An interesting story, perhaps a slightly overfamiliar setting, but I liked the twist.

Didn't really get the relevance of the title.  A little devoid of emotion maybe.

Haven't got much else to add, a strong piece of work.

Leon

This was a good story with a nice twist at the end.  I didn't see it coming.  The characterization was strong.

The only problem I had with this script was that you were too wordy in describing things.  The opening sequence, for example:

Quoted Text The large dimly lit room features an eclectic assortment of boxes, electronic equipment and computers. Two long tables are placed in the middle of the room, almost like operating tables. Drapes cover a side of the room, hiding several small alcoves. A burly man, ED, sits in a rocky chair between the two tables, reading something from an electronic reader device. He is the spitting image of someone you'd expect to find in a place like this or in a bar fight. He seems quite bored.

Could be cut down to:

Quoted Text A large dark room, cluttered with various computers and electronic equipment.  Two hospital gurneys take up the center of this room. ED sits on a rocking chair between the gurneys.  A large, unkempt man, he reads from an electronic reader.

The word count, here, was cut in half.  There's nothing wrong with leaving a little to the imagination.

If you were to trim the fat, you should be able to cut about three pages off this script.


Phil

As I go:

Page 1:  Skimmed the massive chunk of description.

Thoughts:

Well, I didn't make many notes during that one.  The script is very straightforward, mostly because it doesn't really do anything but lead up to the twist.  The dialogue is fine but not interesting.  It's the premise that's the strength here, which is good, but I think you basically need a totally different plot to make any use of the premise.

The strength of sci-fi is that it allows us to examine an aspect of our culture through the metaphor of a scientifically advanced (or otherwise) culture.  This premise could definitely yield that, but it doesn't currently.  As it is now, it's just an inconsequential little gotcha.

I'm sure with some more time you know where you want this story to go and I think the premise could yield a very strong short.

Thanks for the fun read!

Overall, I wasn't a fan of the writing, but I liked the story (although I did see the twist coming).

Good job

I liked the story here but like a few others said it was a bit overwritten.

The following line was one that really stood out for me...

'Ed presumably starts the body's heart with a paddle-like
device'

Why 'presumably'? You don't need it there, plus when it's gone 'device' will move up a line saving you a line in the process. I like white space.

Good idea that needs a few re-writes.

Arty.

Arty, this is an example of what's referred to as an "orphan" - a single word that rests on its own line, usually caused by overwriting, and usually easily done away with.

I like the ending, very much.  Nice effort.
One wonders if the rebuilts see themselves coming and going on the street, but I guess Ed's Body Shop is unusual in that he recycles so quickly.

Thanks again Dreamscale, I was genuinely starting to think you hated kids without parents with all the mentions of it I've seen.

I feel for the poor little tikes all alone by themselves.  I just want them to have some friends to hang out with whenever possible.

Quoted from ArtyDoubleYou I liked the story here but like a few others said it was a bit overwritten. The following line was one that really stood out for me... 'Ed presumably starts the body's heart with a paddle-like device' Why 'presumably'? You don't need it there, plus when it's gone 'device' will move up a line saving you a line in the process. I like white space. Good idea that needs a few re-writes. Arty.

Those adverbs poison our very souls, don't they? Seriously though, I thought this moved along well, but the beginning gave me a little trouble. I'd have to go back and read again, but yes, that's what I remember having trouble with.

Probably good for us all to keep in mind. Keep descriptions very short early on.

This one is a very good story. I would love to play around with it because it really is excellent. It just reached a level of average from what it could have been in my mind. Thinking back though, this one really does rock in its essence.

Just a note on the title: Needs work or some kind of a solid tie in that I might have missed because I was cramming reads into a short period of time.

Sandra

Read this and can see why it won. The story is solid, but I have to agree with others that the writing is a bit much. The pace of the script could definitely benefit from some tighter writing.

The twist is nice, but I would wonder why these people wouldn't come back. Just because he told them not too? I assume there'd be some pretty pissed off customers with nothing else to lose after they find they just got a sick body.

Overall, Very good entry. Liked it and congrats...

James