Okay read it.

Maybe one grammar error with sam putting gloves on someone (Probably Kents) but it could be interperated as his own hands.

The story seems a little like Romeo and Juliet meets rocky? Not bad but its a little hazy IMO. Other wise not a bad story.

Good job.

Quite surprised to see this was you, Gary. From memory, it doesn't really bear a Gary cachet, if you will. You're a reader, so hopefully you'll get more perspective on this.

There's definitely potential here. You have two boxers, one of which has carried around the internal scars of a painful defeat to an exhuberant victor for 20 plus years. This has obviously eaten into his psyche, in terms of how he views himself, as well as disorienting his relationships with others. The victor carries around the shallowness of winning a grudge match and allows this to inflate his self perception. The point is that a grudge match is ultimately harmful to both. They need to learn this and we then need to view this lesson and apply it to our own silly grudges and see them for their folly.

Their children come together and ultimately teach the boxers you can't hold back love and certainly not based on their own quibbles. That's the basis I would think more naturally suits as a narrative arc, but you never really grounded the story in a wider framework where these guys learn lessons. You have an oscillating tone that deviates from comic to dramatic without any sense of flow. I think you're lacking small segues enabling us to successfully to and fro the comedic and dramatic.

Ultimately, the gun felt really unnecessary and I found it difficult to reconcile its inclusion. The other problem for me was the way Kent went from a bit naughty to flat-out villainous - completely out of steep with the other characters.

If you have a compelling reason for a rematch and bring that to the top, you set a goal or conflict that can then run parallel to the romance. We can then investigate the underpinnings of both set of relationships and put these characters through the grinder a little more. Bringing the scrap in after 4 or so pages just left it a little disjointed, IMO.

I just want to give a shout out to Gary and say that this is probably one of the most underrated scripts.

Don't feel bad about my limited comments. Firstly, I didn't know until now that you had written it and secondly, I'm a woman; so I guess typically, (I might be that stereotype) that needs love and affection to be present on some level for it to be believable to me.

In this script, I remember the young couple had that love and affection and their parents were at odds. This is an excellent controversial situation that you worked with. I do think you could have benefited from a woman's touch. Doesn't need to be my crazy touch. Could have been Cindy's or Pia's or Breanne's for an example, but I bet they could have benefited from their perspective.

Really good job, Gary. I think you captured a whole lot of mood and through the whole thing, I was rooting for the kids. Because of that strong emotional feeling that you conjured as if by accident, I think In Your Face is a script that deserves another mention.

Sandra

This script was hurt by the late release, which means it got fewer reads. Definitely one of the more original spins on this OWC that was full of originality. If there's one mistake, it's the same one I always make with my stories: it tries to do a little too much. Makes it tougher to do in a week. This was real close to coming all together. Maybe without the character or location limitation it could be ironed out now. Fine writing skills here!

When I was going through reading scripts for the OWC, I didn't look at the loglines.  Just started from batch one and worked my way through them all.

If I were judging by loglines, I would've read this one first, just because of the inclusion of a 'boxing club'.  (I'm a huge boxing guy.)

If I have any complaints about this one, it would be the tone.  There were cute parts, then there were dramatic parts, then there were funny parts, then there were crazy parts, then it got funny again, then serious again, then romantic, then whacky again.  I think the story would have worked a lot better had it been all dramatic, or all light-hearted.

Definately, the intrusion of the gun is what off-sets the tone I think you were going for.  You'd have a perfectly fine story here just taking the gun out.  It really wouldn't change much in the way of the story.  In fact, it might even bring out Sam's character a little more.  Without the gun, Sam might have a chance to step up and use his boxing skills on his father.

But it's still a decent story nonetheless.  Just has to find the right tone.  Actually, it doesn't even matter what tone you choose, it'll still be a good story if you go serious or funny.  But a mixture of the two I just don't think worked.

- Mark