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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Splitzkrieg! - OWC Moderators: Don
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  Author    Splitzkrieg! - OWC  (currently 4993 views)
Don
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Splitzkrieg! by Greg Baldwin (greg) - Short, Comedy - Two mischievous 13 year-olds suspect their new elderly neighbor is a Nazi war criminal.   11 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 7th, 2012, 8:16am
revised draft
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leitskev
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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Very good work. Well written, cute, entertaining. I can't really think of anything negative. I was half hoping for some kind of twist at the end, some change of direction. But still a very nice story.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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While the latter half of this turns into a slight more serious tone, I half expected Jack to be like a re-enactment actor and he was playing with his neighbor's kids minds. But I'm okay with what you wrote. I think...

But i'll pony up. I liked this piece an awful lot. It worked. I haven't got anything too nitpicky here. I know right now based on other threads, folks are having this bird up the rear with character and dialog eating up the page over "visual" action. I think there is a bit of talk, but it's always active and engaging.

One of my favorites of the OWC. Maybe the favorite.

Great job!


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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“Nazis hate wedgies” has got be in the running for best OWC line.
This one really pushes the one location rule a little too far.
Three separate house interiors and exteriors. Borderline.
Reads awkward Jack just yells on pages 6-8. Give the guy a line.
Charming story until the jig was up and Jack came clean.
The ending felt flat after such an effective start.
Too much exposition for such a rollicking start. The rest is nifty.
I’m surprised the new “Nazi hunters” didn’t go after Madeline.

Regards,
E.D.


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Ryan1
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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This was definitely done by an LA writer.  A shout-out to ICDC college, haha.  This college actually has Todd Bridges of Different Strokes as its spokesman.  True story.

On to the script.  Low budget, but definitely not one location.

The script had overtones of Apt Pupil, and I thought that's where the story was headed.   But, one of the problems for me was the tonal shifts that this script took.  It started out kind of fun and cutesy, then took a darker turn with the Nazi twist, then got ridiculous with the two kids giving the old man a wedgie, back to dark with the two kids being held "hostage" and the concentration camp tattoo revelation.   I wish the story committed to one path and stuck with it.

Another logic issue I had is that I think you made the boys too old, as well as Jack.  Some of the actions and dialogue from these two kids seemed juvenile even for a couple 13 year olds.  And, I think two thirteen year old boys would physically be more than a match for an eighty-five year old.  Maybe if the boys were around nine and Jack was a spry seventy.  Still old enough to have made it through the holocaust, but young enough to handle these whippersnappers.  Granted, Jack wouldn't have been old enough to be a Nazi, but from the perspective of young kids, I think they just tend to see elderly people as "really old."

Ambitious piece for one week, but I just didn't like it nearly as much as the other reviewers.


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mcornetto
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 2:48am Report to Moderator
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This was cute, more than one location, but cute. I thought you captured the moment well and you even got the comedy to drama thing right.   However, I did think the age differences were a bit unbelievable.  Best to set this about a decade or two ago when the hunter would have been a bit younger.  And as a note, I didn't like the last line.  

Well done for a weeks work.

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 20th, 2011, 3:50am
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 3:22am Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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After the first couple of paragraphs I expected to come away not liking this but I did. An enjoyable read with a few decent lines. With so much death and despair in these OWC submissions I appreciate the comedy scripts.

A few thoughts;

# I agree with ED that I expected Jack to speak a bit earlier
# two boys give you a wedgie, run into your house, try to steal and you're not a bit annoyed? A calm down moment required?
# the end seemed a bit stretched. I felt the last few lines could go without loss.

Not much to add, one of my favourites.


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Leon
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 4:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi
It was a nice short, enjoyed it. There were page restrictions, but i felt it could be a little longer, the beginning in particular was a bit of a rush for me.
I pictured these kids being more around 7 years old, i'm not sure teenagers would play with nerf guns or carry out 'atomics wedgies', as amusing as one sounds.  

I initially misunderstood the what Jack was, I thought he was a Nazi hunter, as in he had a vendetta and he was personally down tracking and killing Nazi's.  Made me think that may have added an interesting moral twist, albeit dramatically changing the tone.

Leon


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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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Read it.

Good flow to the writing, grammar looked okay.

Story was pretty good as well. Nothing mind blowing but thats just as valid IMO.

Good job on getting it done.


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darrentomalin
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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This was enjoyable and very cute (even though the subject was actually quite dark). Some of the boy's dialogue swung from spot on to way off but there was some lovelly little touches. The script had good rhythm and the teaser was a great set up for the ending.
Very good.
Daz


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 9:20am Report to Moderator
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Very good. best one so far, very easy to tell who wrote this one, i think the title gave the author away. kinda breaks the one location, well at least it bends it pretty far. a quck easy read. good job on the OWC.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This one felt like it wanted to be light, but it couldn't quite manage it. It felt
like it was written for children, but the way it came out was that it was written
for adults.

Here:

>They run over to the house where the music resonates from.

Should more like:

They run over to the house where the music resonates from.

The devil is in the details.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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dogglebe
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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I was enjoying this script, but the ending fell flat.  It just petered out.

Premise was similar to something I wrote a few years back, two imaginative kids finding adventure in their suburban world.  Though you came off a little wordy here and there, your descriptions were nice.  The boys’ dialog and interaction was entertaining enough, though it could be cut down a little.  You could probably trim this down to ten pages.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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grademan
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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One location = one neighborhood? Works for me, kinda.

i liked it. The closing line was out of nowhere, I liked the reveal of the Nazi hunter but I was expecting a reversal that he was a Nazi. An 85 year old man is no match for 13 year olds.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was cute.

Like the others have said 13 year olds should act a bit older IMO.

I would have liked to seen some kind of a twist at the end though.

Congrats on finishing the OWC

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
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