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This one conforms with the one location rule. However, a period piece is not low budget. Especially the dress. The phonograph was invented well after the Civil War. Not 1820. Got some prosthetic work as well to throw in the budget. I didnít understand much of what was happening. But your format skills kept my confusion breezy. Feels like part of a feature script.
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Cool title. The script was interesting and different, for sure. The historical errors have already been brought up. I also think the name "Darling" was not the best choice for a male character.
This felt like the end story of a much bigger, deeper tale. Unfortunately, we're not privy to the backstory, and I couldn't figure out what exactly these two were and why they were changing and why exactly they had to blow themselves up.
Good atmosphere, some good dialogue, but too much was missing from the narrative.
The previous readers commented on the phonograph being out of place in the 1820's; it actually wasn't invented until 1877.
Another anachronism that I found was in the header. A country cabin (in the 1820s) didn't have living rooms. They were single room structures. If you wanted separate rooms, you should've placed this story in something bigger than a modern day bungalow.
Is it petty that I bring this up? No. Not at all. Right away, you poorly set up your story. People look at this and think, "Phonograph? That wasn't around back then." And, then this stays with them through out the story.
Another anachronism was Maddy and Charles' dialog. It seemed too colloquial for me. The messenger seemed a little more dated in his dialog, which made me how this happened.
I did like how you created your own 'creature' for this story. I would liked to have seen more of it.
I have to say I didn't expect a history lesson as well as a script when starting this! However, the others have made a few good points about getting the details right if they are to be used. Someone always picks up the error.
Monster/vampire type scripts are not for me BUT I quite like the tone, the mood, of this. I am sure it's not new but two people in a difficult circumstance accepting a fate has a nice edge to me. The script felt it should focus on this. They know what's happening, maybe they know why and they know what they have to do, but it's still hard. Always something left behind to regret. Against this I wasn't sure that the woman really understood and that surprised me.
I agree the name Darling didn't seem right, but easily fixed.
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Even if period costumes from a local theatre (never say never, peeps!) were used and some set dressing might hide a few things, or if there was a local historical-type park which had old buildings and such, maybe...with the right permissions...
But that's neither here nor there. The script itself is filled with anachronisms as mentioned by others. There's also times where, for example, Maddy speaks, then in the action line "He" does an action. Substitute 'He' for Charles. Sometimes Charles speaks and "She" does an action. Put Maddy instead of 'she' where needed.
The cabin for the period, as mentioned above by peeps, is correct. Thus, over half of your header slugs are annoying and get in the way. That said, you can fix them if you wanted to. There are two possible ways you can do this..
The first (and risky) way:
Instead of INT. BEDROOM- NIGHT, for example, you use a subhead of
or instead of INT. LIVING ROOM- TIME you write
Please be aware that I am ONLY talking about "new scenes" in a sub-location, not person A walking to a "location". ALSO while normally "objects" are not legitamite locations, in a one room cabin, you CAN cheat and MIGHT get away with it. Some will debate me on this, but here is the question. If you wanted to call attention to a certain location in the one room cabin, and don't cry "angle on" or anything like that, how would you consider doing it?
Let's say you visualize a wide shot. Then what I just said would not be needed obviously. But what if you wanted to focus in on a specific place in this big room?
The second (and probably better) way:
One obvious way is to CAP your characters again like so in action but sparingly:
CHARLES near the door
MADDY asleep on the bed.
Which visually implies two focus shots of both characters (a replacement for CUT TO, if you will) because these are understood as the subject of the shot.
By the way...the BATHROOM is not in the cabin.
******************** I know folks are gonna bitch at me for that. But y'know, every now and then, instead of just griping, someone should suggest possible solutions that are close enough to what you had in mind.
The page numbers. Top center. When I noticed it that on page 2 -- I thought that was either careless on the writer's part or they are just starting to learn Word. Sharp enough to know how to turn the doc into a pdf; but forgetful enough to not upper right justify the page numbers. (Most screenwriting programs automatically upper right justify page numbers
Oh, and change Darling's name. Especially since someone greets them at the door. (I'm thinking...you know, 'Hello, my Darling" But maybe that's just me.
Trting to be atmopsheric and creepy with mixed results. Liked the transformations of the monsters and they were original beasties rather than run of the mill vamps or werewolves. Even though the script says the year, there is no Super so someone watching this (unless they were period dress experts) wouldn't see the phonograph as out of place but having said that , the script HAS to be accurate but a simple change of one number would work. Daz
as Jeff stated, I too thought of Black Swan while reading this.
obviously theres some formatting problems with your slugs. furthermore theres dating issues (which I won't be elaborating on since my fellow posters already commented on the matter).
overall, i was intrigued. however i was left with little answers. i wanted to know more and i really loved the atmosphere. period pieces with monsters in them have always been a guilty pleasure of mine. so perhaps im a bit biased.
This wasn't an easy read but when I got to the end I actually found that I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. There's some good imagery in here with the atmosphere and the transformation of Maddy and Charles but the description is very overwritten and at times is really tough to get through. Then the typos seemed to increase as the story went on which didn't make matters easier. Dialogue leaves a bit to be desired. The way Maddy said she wanted to suck blood or eat flesh came off more humorous than it did serious.
I think in general it also would have been neat to see what exactly was going on with their transformation. What you have here at the moment is interesting, but I want a little more.
This does need some editing but I liked it for what it was.