SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is May 31st, 2020, 6:00am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The June OWC has begun!


scripts due to simplyscripts.com/owc

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Black Winters - OWC Moderators: Don
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Black Winters - OWC  (currently 3316 views)
Don
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
Board Moderator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13748
Posts Per Day
1.95
Black Winters by Digamma - Short - We are all monsters underneath. 8 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
leitskev
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
3098
Posts Per Day
0.89
I don't think the phonograph had been invented by the 1830s. You might want to move the date for this, since it doesn't seem to matter.

I really don't know what was going on here, so I can't add much. I need my coffee, my brain must be missing crucial details in the reading. Sorry. I'll try to come back to it.

I appreciative the effort at uniqueness and creativity.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 21
Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.77
This one conforms with the one location rule.
However, a period piece is not low budget. Especially the dress.
The phonograph was invented well after the Civil War. Not 1820.
Got some prosthetic work as well to throw in the budget.
I didnít understand much of what was happening.
But your format skills kept my confusion breezy.
Feels like part of a feature script.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 21
Ryan1
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1101
Posts Per Day
0.30
Cool title.  The script was interesting and different, for sure.  The historical errors have already been brought up.  I also think the name "Darling" was not the best choice for a male character.

This felt like the end story of a much bigger, deeper tale.  Unfortunately, we're not privy to the backstory, and I couldn't figure out what exactly these two were and why they were changing and why exactly they had to blow themselves up.

Good atmosphere, some good dialogue, but too much was missing from the narrative.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 21
dogglebe
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



The previous readers commented on the phonograph being out of place in the 1820's; it actually wasn't invented until 1877.

Another anachronism that I found was in the header.  A country cabin (in the 1820s) didn't have living rooms.  They were single room structures.  If you wanted separate rooms, you should've placed this story in something bigger than a modern day bungalow.

Is it petty that I bring this up?  No.  Not at all.  Right away, you poorly set up your story.  People look at this and think, "Phonograph?  That wasn't around back then."  And, then this stays with them through out the story.

Another anachronism was Maddy and Charles' dialog.  It seemed too colloquial for me.  The messenger seemed a little more dated in his dialog, which made me how this happened.

I did like how you created your own 'creature' for this story.  I would liked to have seen more of it.


Phil  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 21
grademan
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
877
Posts Per Day
0.21
This was maddening to read. I kept on hoping for that orgasm of understanding when you go "I-I got  it" I did like the atmosphere; perhaps a hint more from Darling would help us out?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 21
Dreamscale
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11198
Posts Per Day
2.45
Yeah...very lazy, filled with so many typos, missing words, poor grammar, poor punctuation, poor dialogue, and senseless shenanigans.

Phonograph - 1877

Dynamite - 1863

Country Cabin with separate rooms, inclduing a bathroom with "fixtures" - Not sure, but highly unlikely it was around in 1820.

Using a date in your Slug?  Worthless, no one will see it in a filmed version, so if it's important (and remotely accurate), you'll need a SUPER.

You should count how many times said, "Charlie" - I bet at least 10, and I doubt in 1820, Charlie was used as opposed to Charles, though I could be wrong here.

Did you just watch Black Swan recently?  That's my guess.

Sorry, this didn't work on any level whatsoever.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 21
Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 3:45am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Proud owner of a Simply Scripts face mask ...

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2473
Posts Per Day
0.77
I have to say I didn't expect a history lesson as well as a script when starting this! However, the others have made a few good points about getting the details right if they are to be used. Someone always picks up the error.

Monster/vampire type scripts are not for me BUT I quite like the tone, the mood, of this. I am sure it's not new but two people in a difficult circumstance accepting a fate has a nice edge to me. The script felt it should focus on this. They know what's happening, maybe they know why and they know what they have to do, but it's still hard. Always something left behind to regret. Against this I wasn't sure that the woman really understood and that surprised me.

I agree the name Darling didn't seem right, but easily fixed.

All the best.


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 21
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 7:44am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1426
Posts Per Day
0.40
Even if period costumes from a local theatre (never say never, peeps!) were used and some set dressing might hide a few things, or if there was a local historical-type park which had old buildings and such, maybe...with the right permissions...

But that's neither here nor there. The script itself is filled with anachronisms as mentioned by others. There's also times where, for example, Maddy speaks, then in the action line "He" does an action. Substitute 'He' for Charles. Sometimes Charles speaks and "She" does an action. Put Maddy instead of 'she' where needed.

The cabin for the period, as mentioned above by peeps, is correct. Thus, over half of your header slugs are annoying and get in the way. That said, you can fix them if you wanted to. There are two possible ways you can do this..

The first (and risky) way:

Instead of INT. BEDROOM- NIGHT, for example, you use a subhead of

BED

or instead of INT. LIVING ROOM- TIME you write

TABLE

Please be aware that I am ONLY talking about "new scenes" in a sub-location, not person A walking to a "location". ALSO while normally "objects" are not legitamite locations, in a one room cabin, you CAN cheat and MIGHT get away with it.
Some will debate me on this, but here is the question. If you wanted to call attention to a certain location in the one room cabin, and don't cry "angle on" or anything like that, how would you consider doing it?


Let's say you visualize a wide shot. Then what I just said would not be needed obviously. But what if you wanted to focus in on a specific place in this big room?

The second (and probably better) way:

One obvious way is to CAP your characters again like so in action but sparingly:


CHARLES
near the door

MADDY
asleep on the bed.


Which visually implies two focus shots of both characters (a replacement for CUT TO, if you will) because these are understood as the subject of the shot.

By the way...the BATHROOM is not in the cabin.  

********************
I know folks are gonna bitch at me for that. But y'know, every now and then, instead of just griping, someone should suggest possible solutions that are close enough to what you had in mind.

********************



The page numbers. Top center. When I noticed it that on page 2 -- I thought that was either careless on the writer's part or they are just starting to learn Word. Sharp enough to know how to turn the doc into a pdf; but forgetful enough to not upper right justify the page numbers. (Most screenwriting programs automatically upper right justify page numbers

Oh, and change Darling's name.
Especially since someone greets them at the door.
(I'm thinking...you know, 'Hello, my Darling"
But maybe that's just me.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 8 - 21
darrentomalin
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 9:12am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
247
Posts Per Day
0.08
Trting to be atmopsheric and creepy with mixed results. Liked the transformations of the monsters and they were original beasties rather than run of the mill vamps or werewolves. Even though the script says the year, there is no Super so someone watching this (unless they were period dress experts) wouldn't see the phonograph as out of place but having said that , the script HAS to be accurate but a simple change of one number would work.
Daz


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 21
Zombie Sean
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 9:20am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1391
Posts Per Day
0.26
Tried reading this but couldn't get through it. Wasn't making sense and stories written in a time before the 1950s bore me.

Sean


MY WEBSITE

CLICK A POSTER
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 21
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 10:53am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3667
Posts Per Day
0.78

There is an interesting barren kind of feel to this that is well done. What is not so well done is the copy itself. It needs a lot of red penning.

I had no trouble understanding what was going on here. Two people were somehow turning into monsters and they were prepared to kill themselves rather
than live in such a state. Who could argue that?

Good effort, but clean it up.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 21
CindyLKeller
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1415
Posts Per Day
0.24
So change the dates...

I could appreciate the romance in this script. I liked the tone. I liked the monsters. Not sure about Darling.

Would have liked to known more about what was actually going on. How they came to be.

Maybe you'll do a rewrite and make this script longer????

Hope so. I'd like to read the next draft.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 21
albinopenguin
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
Regular


I got dipping sticks.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
790
Posts Per Day
0.19
as Jeff stated, I too thought of Black Swan while reading this.

obviously theres some formatting problems with your slugs. furthermore theres dating issues (which I won't be elaborating on since my fellow posters already commented on the matter).

overall, i was intrigued. however i was left with little answers. i wanted to know more and i really loved the atmosphere. period pieces with monsters in them have always been a guilty pleasure of mine. so perhaps im a bit biased.

rewrite this one and make it longer. B for me.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 21
greg
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Oh Hi

Location
San Diego, California
Posts
1663
Posts Per Day
0.30
This wasn't an easy read but when I got to the end I actually found that I enjoyed it more than I thought I would.  There's some good imagery in here with the atmosphere and the transformation of Maddy and Charles but the description is very overwritten and at times is really tough to get through.  Then the typos seemed to increase as the story went on which didn't make matters easier.  Dialogue leaves a bit to be desired.  The way Maddy said she wanted to suck blood or eat flesh came off more humorous than it did serious.  

I think in general it also would have been neat to see what exactly was going on with their transformation.  What you have here at the moment is interesting, but I want a little more.

This does need some editing but I liked it for what it was.  

Nice job for a week.

Greg


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 21
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    September 2011 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006