Thanks again for the input, grammar is not my strong point and still working on it.
I appreciate the read and I agree with the character count being high.  It is my goal to give each character his/her own focus concentrating on the relationship between them with the action/job/Carver problem as a back drop.
To use the Lost comparison, I suppose Meadow, Winter and Brook are the stand out characters for me
I'll try to cut back on the POV's and commas too, I have noticed it myself.

As far as ages and description goes, I have received mixed advice about whether to introduce them each episode again.
Should I ditch the descriptions assume that people have read the pilot?

Thanks again for the read, its very appreciated.

epi 3 is pending, I'm gonna stick with this as i'm enjoying writing it and learning as I go.
I have updated the first episode too, took some advice and shuffled some stuff about.

Hey Darren,

I saw the third episode up and was happy to continue my journey with this series, was looking forward to seeing where you’re taking it.

Okay, this episode was a bit hit and miss for me I’m afraid, I like the Meadow storyline but didn’t care much for the Lake side plot. Also, Gale has slowly been disappearing over the three episodes, in the first episode she seemed like the main protag and then she was given less to do in the second episode but here in ep 3, she’s oblivious apart from the odd line here and there.

As I say, the Lake story didn’t work for me, we had a flashback showing him gambling and taking drugs, fine. In the present we saw him doing drugs and getting mugged, there was no resolution to this side story. He didn’t change anything along the way, if anything he’s going down a darker path.

The Meadow side plot was good, she’s more than we first thought and developing nicely but let’s be honest, who doesn’t love a cyber chick.

This episode was more dialogue heavy, less action. I don’t have a problem with that and think on the whole you’ve done an excellent job, the dialogue seems natural, or as natural as I could imagine it being in this world.

I will commend you on the world and visuals you’ve created, it’s never easy bringing something like this together especially in sci-fi and I for one think this has a lot potential to go forward.

The writing is good, it flowed really well and I didn’t have any problems. I have made notes of things but it was nothing that ever detached me from the read. I more make them for you to judge and decide for yourself.

These are the notes I took during the read:

Page 3: missing period at the end of Lake’s dialogue.

Don’t think uncle needs to be capitalised here?

The montage looks wrong IMO. I haven’t seen it done this way? I think it would look better if it was broken up into single action lines and given scene numbers. Just a thought.

Page 6: “Brook locks onto Lake, expectant.” Should this be looks?

Page 8: “West of the Fox Basin Wall” west doesn’t need to be capitalised in this dialogue.

Page 9: Carver isn’t capitalised on first introduction? Everyone else has been up to this point is all?

Page 11: “24 hours.” Shouldn’t this twenty four hours?

“The entire team are gathered. Gale, Forest, Lake and Meadow stand or sit patiently.

SNOW watches from the back of the room.

RAIN sits on a couch, Meadow is curled up against her.”

I would take Meadow out of the first sentence, she doesn’t need to be mentioned twice IMO.

Page 12: “They all listen to the end of a statement by Brook.” This line seems superfluous; we will understand this from the dialogue.

Page 13:

“Gasps of shock and hopelessness, only Snow remains calm.

LAKE
The Fallen Angels?

SNOW
Watchful Angels.

Winter nods, Lake is shell-shocked, he laughs hopelessly.”

I would personally try to avoid repeating the same actions like this. Everyone is shocked, hopelessness. Then Lake has actually the same feeling straight away.

Page 19: “cushty.” Brilliant line! I thought Del Trotter had walked in the room.

Page 24: “He looks to meadow” Meadow needs to be capitalised.

Page 25:               MEADOW
             What’s happening to me? Brook holds
             her close as he smooth’s her hair.
                            
                             FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)
                            (Whispers)
             I’ll take care of you.

Brook doesn’t see that Meadow’s eyes are wide open, fearful.

I think you made a little mistake here, it doesn’t make any sense. It looks like some of Meadows dialogue should be action and I have no idea about the female voice? I’m guessing it’s supposed to be Brook?

“A TV plays in the   background” big space between the and background.

Geotech? Where have I heard that before? That’s a name of a company here in Australia, how about that.

Page 26:                  CARVER
                   Ah, I see they’ve repaired it.

I like how you have done this but it raises a question about how she was getting up there before, I mean he’s in the penthouse, that’s a lot of stairs. Was just thinking? Maybe you have an answer?

Page 27:               LAKE (CONT’D)
                  Ow! That really hurt!

Not a fan of this line, too childish.

Page 29: “Forest is here.” This reads awkward IMO, just have something like Forest strolls in.

Page 35: “Carver Pours another glass.” Pours doesn’t need to be capitalised.

                                          CRAFT
                          I’ll give you four hundred, but
                          only because it’s you I'll give
                          you.

This dialogue reads awkward. But I think this is how this character talks if I’m not mistaken?

Page 36: Have seen a lot of “beats” like “he lies for a beat” should keep a eye on them and not use as many.

Also saw one paragraph here which is 5 lines long but I’m sure we can let you get away with one.

Page 39: A MINER sitting behind them (50) grizzled, leans forward between the seats and growls at the girls.
                                            
                                        PASSENGER
                              Are you gonna’ be jabberin’ all the
                              way to heckin’ Mars?

Just a personal preference but I would call him Miner in the dialogue like the description for consistency.

Page 44:                         OPERATIVE
                            Have you eaten any shell-fish in
                            the last 24 hours?

Twenty four hours.

And again in the next dialogue.

Page 45: “Her green dress” Freya gets through more dresses than the girls from Sex and The City. She’s gone from green to red and back to green. I’m not sure of the time frame here at the moment?

Page 46: “FREYA, in a bright red dress and heels,” She’s changed again a page later and now she’s in the aerodyne, she gets around.

Page 50: “With the dead. Guy.” Should there be a period here between dead and guy?

Page 51: “Freya enters, a bright green dress.” Okay, this must be on purpose? She was just in the aerodynes that were over the loft and in a red dress. Now she’s in the penthouse in a green dress?

It’s not a bad episode but the weakest so far IMO. I wonder how many you have planned for this? 6? 10? 12? Don’t think you could have more than 12 at this length. Anyway, look forward to future episodes.

Good work, Darren!

Steve.

Fantastic feedback as usual!
Going back later to correct the mistakes pointed out after I've done this full diskformat and re-install aaaargh!

A couple of things quickly - yes, Freya gets around, she IS in two places at once, more to be revealed... I thought the dress thing was a good way of visualizing it and the colours actually end up meaning something.

Still working on giving the charcters individual voices, Forest is a cockney so glad you picked up on that. As I get better, I'm hoping they will all be nice and individual on the page.

Yes, there should be a period between 'dead' and 'guy' I wanted Alanis to say it in a kind of word-at-a-time way, treating Meadow like a child, maybe it should read "help, me, with, the, dead, guy" or perhaps "help... me... with... the... dead...guy" you know, like Peter Griffin sometimes speaks through clenched teeth!

Some caps that need removing, yes I use 'beat' far too often and need to crack open the thesaurus for words like hopless and shocked etc lol!

Hmm, might have to change Geotech then.

There are too many characters to give them all lots of screen time, the first two episodes I was pulled up on spreading them too thinly so gonna give them their own A and B plots that intertwine over focused episodes (This is a Meadow and Winter episode, this one is a Lake and Gale episode etc - like star trek used to do!!)

I have an arc planned over 12 episodes but am really enjoying writing it so will go on for my own enjoyment.

At this stage I'll come clean, these stories are loosely based upon original adventures, characters and stories that the role playing group that I GM for came up with while playing d20 future RPG every sunday for ten years.
(I'm assuming you know what an RPG is, it's dungeons and dragons but set in the future basically)
They always said to me that I should write the adventures into a book - I did one better and made them into screenplays.

Anyway, thanks again for your input, episode 4 is on the pc later so hope you like it and have more gold for me!!!

Daz

Hey Darren,

I gave the pilot a read and I thought it was fantastic!  I also took a look at the webseries you were working on as well but Edgers definitely feels more my speed at the moment.  I thought your action was mostly good and I got enough of a sense of something to differentiate most of the characters, which is amazing with you juggling so many.  I thought you did a pretty good job with keeping things mysterious and I'm curious to read more.

After reading some of the comments I see that this is a later revision.  Not sure if you're still taking any notes on the pilot now that you're up to episode 4?

:Duan

Hi Duan, thanks for the comment, glad you like it!
I'm grateful for ALL suggestions and I still take comments on all the episodes.
The comments I agree on, I impliment so if you do revisit earlier episodes they do change as I upload revised scripts as I learn more and get more ideas.
(My scripts are hosted at webs.com so a simple upload of a revised version to the host site, updates the link here)

For example, Episode 1 has changed over the past month or so after a wicked suggestion for the Nomads. So if you read it a month ago you'll notice subtle differences if you read it now.

I have arcs worked out for each character and the episodes will focus on one or two at a time in the A and B threads of each episode.

Thanks again.
Daz

So, I promised I'd give some more feedback on this, and I hadn't forgotten.  I've just been busy with all those other things in life that get in the way.

Anyway, I want to reiterate that I really like this series.  There was comparison earlier to Lost and I see that, but I think the comparison to Firefly/Serenity is more apt.  This feels more in the mould of Whedon's work to me.  That said I'm also a gamer (though I could never get my group into d20 modern), so I may have subconsciously picked up on that angle.

On the Nomads: if they're going to be your series' "lightsaber" I think they need to be more compelling.   It may just be me, but crazy maniacal barbarians just aren't that interesting.  They remind me of the Reavers in Firefly, and they didn't really work for me there either.  I know that they were filling in for the "savage indians" in the space western milieu but I found them kinda silly.  For Nomads to stand out for me, they need to really have an impact in some way.  The idea that their skin crawls with nanotech is a cool visual hook but I think we need more on them.

So onto a review of the pilot:

I thought your descriptions and action flowed well for the most part and painted a vivid picture of a desolate apocalyptic wasteland.

I also think you did a good job giving us a quick sketch of the characters so that there was some differentiation (which is impressive since there's so many of them).

p. 4
- "Where too, Gale?"  Should be "Where to, Gale?"

p. 12
- I hope it's a plot point why Gale is so calm while the world is falling apart.
- Not sure if this reads right: "Survivors dressed against poison air, acid rain and change shuffle amongst salve rigged into makeshift homes..."

p. 16
- I jump between finding Craft's speech tic annoying and cool.  Sometimes it fits better than other times... sometimes it feels like too much.

p. 22
- I know this is supposed to be a bit where Gale and Brook are so caught up in their argument that they are ignoring the enemy bearing down on them, but it undercuts the threat of the nomads even more for me.  Back to Firefly and the Reavers as a reference, but even the most hardened members of Serenity ran for cover whenever someone even mentioned the word "Reavers".  This isn't really a problem unless you want the nomads to come off tougher than the impression I'm getting.  If you still want the bickering the other thing you could do is contrive some way that they can't hear the warning.

p. 23
- Run Forest. Ha! :)

p. 24
- Love the visual of the nomads dissolving after being killed, as if the nanobots finally break down the bodies once the person is no longer alive.

p. 27
- I'm guessing "gentile music" should be "gentle music" :)

p.33
- Enjoyed the "Get of my plane" bit.

And now I have to run.  I'll give my thoughts on Acts 3 and later soon.

:Duan

Hi Duan,
Thanks again for the input.
Going to correct that spelling mistakes and add a line or descriptive that shows us Gale and Brook are usually arguing like that and no, they didn't hear the warnings so need to make that clearer.
I thought Rain's line of "You should really listen to Snow" might have been enough.

I explore the nomads one more time in ep 4 and came up with a new twist on them that might be worth exploring but I am thinking the reavers similarity is too much and "post apocalyptic barbarians" are too on the nose so not sure what to do with them tbh but they are not going to be my 'lightsabre'
I am currently writing ep 5 and going to switch direction as I've found the plot lines need streamlining.

Thanks again

Darren

Hey Darren,

I look forward to reading episode four and seeing what you've done with the nomads.  In fact, I found your site and also read the treatment.  In some ways I wish I hadn't done that, as I'd be coming at the material with no preconceptions.  However, I do see that you had more planned out for the nomads besides post-apoc barbarians.  So I'm curious enough to see where you take it.

Now I have to decide whether I'll skip ahead to read episode 4 first, or reread eps 2 and 3 to provide notes.  Oh, and possibly throw my hat in the ring for the OWC.  Decisions, decisions :)

Anyway, back to ep 1 notes:

p. 47 - Really love this exchange.  Give us the standard "sneak out as a guard" thing and turn it on its ear.  It also lets Freya be clever, establishing her as a serious threat.  Which leads into a very cool set piece fight.

p.  50 - "Brook steals his nerves" should be "Brook steels his nerves."

Also, Act 4 is only three minutes.  Not sure if that matters at all, though.  Need to pay more attention to actual shows to see if it would be a problem.

p. 56 - END OF ACT 4 should be END OF EPILOGUE to match up with the heading on page 54.

p. 58 - Nice reveal at the end.

I know you've gone through a couple of revisions already so not much more to say.

:Duan

Duan, really appreciate your feedback thanks. You have a keen eye!
If you have time and inclination I would stick with reading them in order. The Rebirth Data arc stretches over all four and i'm planning to close that arc in 5.  I've decided to try and make each ep after 5 be more "stand alone" with the character's individual plots coming out as the A plot and demoting the the main story (Meadow's origins and a character called Alanis) to the B thread.

Thanks again

Hi there!

So I did finish reading the rest of this series a while ago and took notes, but then there occurred some computer problems of which we will not speak.  Needless to say I was a bit dejected.  I will have to do a re-read at some point, and you may have revised since  I've read (seriously, finished them at least a month ago) overall it was great, the reveal of non-feral nomads, the secret behind Red River and Freya all kept me on my toes and felt like you were playing with a well trod trope and making it your own, and I was surprised with how you "resolved" the fate of the big bad (or have you?) but there was one thing that stood out for me.

The sequence where Meadow gets a new arm from the friendly nomads needs some work IMO.  I think that the ability to basically will things into existence is just too big a game changer.  It either needs some limits or you need to more accurately reflect what the world of the nomads would be like in such a situation.  For a way of limiting it, I would say that either it takes head Nomad (sorry, can't recall his name now) a long time and/or a lot of effort to do it, or it's a skill he's learned/perfected to this level.  Otherwise, I would expect that when the Red River guys come to raid the nomads they should be coming up against a fortified fortress with people who can control nanobot swarms to assemble any weapon they need (well, at least guns, which I would expect are a lot less complicated than top rate cybernetic arm).

It may be that you intended the limitations to show but I must have missed it, so in that case you may want to make it more explicit.

I hope to do a reread at some point with proper notes and all but I hope this at least helps.

:Duan

Thanks for the read, I really appreciate it.  You make good points .
Keeper (that's the guy's name) has learned to control the nanites to a certain extent.  He does fall weak after "repairing" Meadow and seems wounded from the effort.  It's not so much "willing things into existence" it's more to do with controlling nanites at some personal cost.  Perhaps I need to clarify this more in the scenes that follow?  As well as the fact that they have tried to live a peaceful existance only using violence to keep the Nomads in check.
I've taken a break from it at the moment as I've been sidetracked by other projects but episode 6 is nearly finished (all of these are first drafts and no, I haven't had time for revisions unfortunately) and found on my webs address (in my sig below)
More is revealed about Meadow and Freya's origins.
Hope you enjoy it.
P.S. You haven't seen the last of Carver but Red River make CGI look like the salvation army.

Hey Darren,

Yeah, I think the personal cost needs to be shown more.  Because like I said, even if they are living a peaceful existence it reads as false to me that they aren't using their abilities to better themselves.  The kind of questions that I come up with is why hasn't this transformed their society?  

I understand that they aren't "willing things into existence" in a magical sense, per se, but functionally it amounts to the same thing.  Keeper comes in, says "Looks like you need a new arm" and presto he's got one that's better than the original.  Even if it tires him out for an afternoon, it seems like it would really be worth it for the nomads to be using this ability to build a fortified little paradise.

If Keeper started hacking up blood or something similar I would see instantly that ok, this is really stretching his abilities to the limit and is something you wouldn't want to do too often.  But then I'd hope we'd get some elaboration on why he's willing to take on this cost for Meadow.

Looking forward to the new episode!

:Duan

Good suggestion. Thanks again!