Edgers by Darren Tomalin (darrenjames) - Series, Cyberpunky, Post Apocalyptic, Sci-fi, Action thing. - 2050, ten years after a catastrophic environmental disaster that has left a scorched Earth, a group of mismatched mercenaries, "Edgers", try to carve a living through any means they can while avoiding the government, corporations, gangs, any number of enemies... and each other.   The team embark on, what should be a simple data extraction but are there ulterior motives at play?  55 pages - pdf, format

Edgers Episode 2 - "GIving & Taking" by Darren Tomalin (darrenjames) - Series, Cyberpunky, Post Apocalyptic, Sci-fi, Action thing. - Brook and Meadow attempt an audacious rescue mission to save Winter from Carver Global. Gale comes to terms with the unforseen consequences of her actions. - pdf, format

Edgers Episode 3 - "Truth & Lies" by Darren Tomalin (darrenjames) - Series, Cyberpunky, Post Apocalyptic, Sci-fi, Action thing. - While the team take drastic steps to deal with the stolen data and the threat of Carver, the pressure proves too much for Lake. Meadow makes the only decision she feels she can. - pdf, format

Edgers Episode 4 - "Hide & Seek" by Darren Tomalin (darrenjames) - Series, Cyberpunky, Post Apocalyptic, Sci-fi, Action thing. - Meadow's fate after the crash is revealed and Alanis shows her true colours. In the meantime, Lake struggles with his dark past. 63 pages - pdf, format

Edgers Episode 5 - "Loved and Lost" by Darren Tomalin (darrenjames) - Series, Cyberpunky, Post Apocalyptic, Sci-fi, Action thing. - {no logline} 63 pages - pdf, format

Edgers Episode 6 - "Effect and Cause" by Darren Tomalin (darrenjames) - Series, Cyberpunky, Post Apocalyptic, Sci-fi, Action thing. - {no logline} 67 pages - pdf, format

Thanks for posting, yes, I did a (unnumbered) pre-cover, I like photoshopping

Hey Darren,

This was a really solid pilot, lots of action and good characters introduced.

I liked the futuristic world you've created, I felt it was easy to visualize which isn't easy in sci-fi writing.

Obviously we didn't get to know all the characters, some were under used but that's expected in a pilot so it didn't bother me.  This is something that will be explored later on I'm guessing.

I didn't have any problems with the read, thought you did a great job with this.  Blue-ray, it's actually without a E, blu-ray is how it is known.  There was one typo on page 4 "Gale, 40, sits neat the cockpit door" think you meant near.

I liked most of your action sequences, thought the elevator scene between Meadow and Freya was really engaging.  The one that I think could be tidied up is in the jet, when they fight the Nomads I had to read this section a couple of times to understand certain bits, but maybe that's just me being stupid.  That's known to have happened on many occasions!

The ending was also good and made me want to jump straight into the second episode to find out what is going on?

Overall this a fantastic pilot, I am looking forward to reading future episodes of this.

Good work

Steve

Thanks mate. that's really encouraging.

There is a second draft on my .webs site, below (episode 2 is on there too and pending on here).
Thanks for the typo, now fixed.

I was worried about the action scenes, as I'm new to writing I still have a lot to learn and that whole sequence (especially because I cut it back and forth a few times and the group sort of got split up) was hard work and hopefully the new draft has given it a bit of a nip and tuck.

Hope I can keep some uniform level of quality, I'm being quite amibtious!
Thanks again.

Daz

Hey Darren!

Great to see some new content from you.
Always a pleasure to see new members contributing content.
I'll crack this open today and continue as my work allows.

P. 5  I'm down with the teaser set up and all.
       But there's too little info spread out over the five pages.
       I recommend either giving up more background on those pages.
       Which shouldn't be too hard, there's small talk that can be excised.
       OR, shorten it up and save the background for post teaser.
       And SHOW US a hint of what we're actually looking at.
       Don't extend the mystery by simply not showing us, that's a cheat.
       Extend and enhance the mystery by showing us something.
       Whatever it is, it should get us even more curious, IMO.

P. 8  Again I feel like you're playing hide and seek with your story.
       Pages of science babble and people congratulating each other.
       We're close to ten minutes in and you haven't told us a thing.
       Other than it's Earth in the near future.

P. 10 I like nano-repair of the atmosphere. Good concept.
        Easy to understand, no much gobblety gook behind it.

P. 14 Winter and Meadow dialogue. Way too on the nose for my liking.
        The guy conveniently explains Meadow to the reader.
        Dunno if you've seen "Firefly" or not. But...
        Meadow, as written, is a dead ringer for a character on that show called, River.
        Right down to how she dresses. Reminds me of the actress, Summer Glau.

P. 18  I like the Lake/Sammo bit. Is that a nod to Sammo Hung, per chance?

P. 21  Too much whining and ignoring imminent danger here for my tastes.
         Pare it down and I think it will work better.

I'm stopping at the end of act two today.
I'll pick this up as my schedule allows.

I'm still waiting for the actual story to begin, feels like all backstory right now.
Which can be fine, especially if it's being used to establish character dynamics.
But I'm not getting that much of it from the page.
The Meadow/Forest dynamic is expository, but it is something.
Craft's speech thing is pretty cool. But that's about it in the character department.
The rest feels like banter and set up for twenty plus pages.

I think you have a good idea here, but I don't know enough about it.
And we're almost halfway through an episode.
And the fabricated mystery of the box really irked me in hindsight.

If the crew knew that guy was in the box, why don't they talk about it on the jet?
Doesn't make much sense they wouldn't talk about their trapped comrade.
But...if they did, then your planned surprise fails.
That kind of manipulation alienates audiences and readers.
It's a fairly cheap tactic to keep the reader in the dark, IMO.

I think you can do better than that.
I've seen as much in your other work.

Hope this helps. Looking forward to continuing.
Keep writing and rewriting.

Regards,
E.D.

Good points well made as usual E.D.
It's my first series and it's really tricky to get a balance of what to tell the reader and what not to.
I wanted Brook's reveal to be typical of the sort of scrapes he gets in, and mroe like that later.
Do you think I should move the reveal to start of act 1? or not bother with a reveal and nip the "jack in the box" in the bud?  ah, got it - move the line "Hello Brook" to the end of the teaser!

I wanted the start of act1 in every episode to ahve the same - a flashback to before the disaster showing us life before for each of the main characters - in this case our main antag - Carver.

I disagree with what you say about Winter and Meadow's dialogue, sounds natural to me, an older man giving a life lesson to a naive young girl. However, it might work better later in the script perhaps?

ALso, because I wanted a few main characters it is hard to know how much focus to give them without spreading too little butter over too much bread.
I plan to make each episode rotate around two through lines and two main characters so, of this week its a Lake episode or a Meadow episode etc (very much like trek does)
Whether I accomplish this or not is the kicker - I'm having fun writing it though so hopefully you can appreciate the good bits lol.

(the firefly thing is spot on as is the River comparison though episode 2 is up and Meadow does go in a slightly different direction which you'll see in act 3 hopefully, (it was the combat boots and summer dress that did it? hmm, might change that) I've worked out some long term arcs for the characters so know where they'll end up.

Thanks again dude
Daz

Hey Darren,

Taking your advice and picking the script up on your website.
Seems to be about the same page count.
So, I'll just start with act three from that draft.

P. 29 I'm five pages into act three and I'm unsure what's going on.
        We went from the pass acquisition to the meet with Carver.
        But it's all stuff you really don't need much of it seems.
        Getting the pass, traveling to Carver's, then bluffing with the guy.
        Why did we need all that set up?
        Couldn't we just cut to the elevator ride right before the doors open.
        All it takes is a couple lines to set up the ruse, not several pages.

P. 30 Nomads driven by a "savage madness".
        I'm not sure what that means. Kinda sounds like the Reavers from "Firefly".
        Seems you're trying to allude to more there.
        Their origins could be an interesting story.
        But as written, it comes off as a bit of overwriting your descriptions.  

P. 33 Four page escape scene for the ship is way too long.
        That's a long time just for a ship to shake off the Nomads.
        Almost 10% of your pilot episode just for that one action beat.
        The page count would be fine for a big climax though.

P. 37 Typo. The "soul of her shoe".

P. 40 I like the Winter/Freya exchange.

P. 47 I dig the elevator fight scene.
        Meadow bolted pretty quick, with barely a concern for Winter.
        Seems out of character since they've been inseparable the entire episode.

P. 51 I'm going to use this example of your dialogue to make a point.
        She just got here, things went South. Rain, she’s hurt pretty
        bad, needs some repair work, I did what I could.

        IMO, all you need here is, "She's hurt pretty bad, I did what I could."
        The script would really benefit from strip mining most of the dialogue.
        There's padding in a lot of the scenes you really don't need.
        Less is more, my friend.

P. 54 I like the wrap up with the reveal of Gale's deception.
        And Winter with Carver is a good hook as well.

I felt as though the first half didn't do a good job setting up the second half.
Lot of set up and pages burned for a BluRay joke too.
Even if it is chuckle worthy, that's a lot of special effects for a punchline, IMO.

But once the story started to unfold, I got interested.
I wish there was a way you could differentiate this from its predecessors better.
This still feels like too many other shows smooshed together.

Find that "thing" that makes your premise stand out.
Then, I think this would be the kind of thing that SyFy would eat up.

Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

Great feedback as usual, I will keep stripping it back until it feels "just right"
The only thing I will kindly disagree on is the set up to get to Carver's party, the premise is that it's hard to get in the "Fox District" which is where all the rich people live, it needed establishing that passes in are hard to come by, particulary for a bunch of mercenaries living on the poor side of town. Ivory Towers and that.
"Savage Madness" = Rarrrr! Bleurgh! Yaaaah! Aaaargh! gonna eat ya! savage! mad! aaargh!
I do over describe things sometimes, the fault lies with me being an RPGer!
The Jet chase needs some more tinkering.
I'm gonna leave that episode as it is for now, find some more feet with the next eps and go back when more comfortable, once I "get into a groove" with it.
Thanks again.
Daz

Hey Darren

First, your writing and talent are impressive on many levels! And I'm not a smoke blower. The dialogue needs much tweaking, to be expected considering this is an early draft and you are a relatively new writer. But on the whole, it holds up and is a strength. In general I would say what I see here indicates you have a real future in this field. On to my comments.

1) I have never reviewed TV scripts, and in fact I have watched very little TV in the last 25 years other than sports and news. I worked and lived in bars, never home. So keep this in mind, I really know shit about this stuff. I'll do my best.

2) You need to do 3 things with a script like this: world building; character introduction and development; and story creation. Tough to find the right blend. This is sci fi, so extra effort is needed for world building. And you have a lot of characters, really a lot. That leaves little room for story building, which I think is the Achilles heal here that you will have to work on.

3) two other elements work against each other in stories like this and you have to find the right balance. On the one hand, you want to create intrigue, questions the audience wants answered. On the the other hand, you need lay things out with enough clarity so we have some sense of who to root for and what the issues are. You succeeded in the former very well, but struggled in the latter.

Who are the good guys? What do they want? Why are we rooting for them? To be honest, this is what I got: the team we see at the beginning are the good guys. How do we know? Only because they are the first people we meet, they are somewhat likable, and have some physical courage. Beyond that, we know nothing about them. Are they mercenaries? There's a lot of talk about getting paid. Plus, strangely, their big score was a Lord of the Rings blue ray. For this, they almost died and Brooks got shot. Now, I am betting there is more to it, that this blue ray really is something else. But in this first episode, we don't know that. So we either don't know what they are fighting for, or they are mercenaries, or they are obsessed with a blue ray film trilogy. Whichever the case, there is no reason to identify with their cause and therefore they are hard to root for.

Furthermore, they are led by Gale, who at best is cold, but also seems to be connected to the sabotage of the project that led to the destruction of the world and the death of billions.

Let's take a deeper look at who the good guys are, the bad guys, and therefore the stakes. Carver was trying to make the world a better place. The sabotage of his work destroyed the world. So is he a good guy or a bad guy? He is currently trying to fix the world. Should he be stopped? I mean, easy to blame him for the mistake 10 years ago, but with the world all F'd up now, isn't it worth taking a chance on his fixing it? And if he is the good guy, are the people in Fox World(Fox News?) good or bad?

Again, this comes down to story building vs world building. Creating complicated scenarios as to what the politics of the land is, who the players are, what they want is more about world building. Much easier to do that in novels or fantasy series. Creating story means sacrificing some of that world's complexity in order to have clear sides so we know who to root for.

Do you watch the HBO series Game of Thrones? That is a world that is overly complex. The only people we know for sure are the "good guys" are the northern lords's family. Everything else is complicated, which is cool, but bad theater. They get away with it for two reasons. First, like I said, at least we have the family to root for. That anchors it a little. Second, this was based on a very successful fantasy series, and would never have been picked up otherwise.

I'm not sure what the solution is for your story, but IMO, we need some kind of hero or group of heros to anchor the story better. Yes, you have some likable and heroic characters, but since we don't know much about them or what their goals are we don't have enough reason to root for them. You have the characters, so maybe it's simply a matter of making it more clear why they are the good guys. You might have to sacrifice some story complexity in order to do that, but I think it's worth it.

If someone reads this, or watches it, you want them to be able to explain after one episode what the basic story is about. I've read this twice and I'm not sure I can do that. It's in the future, post apocalyptic...but after that I draw a blank. Are the good guys trying to stop Carver from fixing the world? Did Gale, the good guys leader, have a hand in destroying the world? I can't figure out what they want, who they work for, etc.

4) you've created a cool world. But keep in mind that you want to bring something unique to the table. Is that the case here? You have the world divided into mutant-like survivors and the wealthy few. That's not new. You have a world destroyed by nano tech; that's new, but it's done in the story. And as even you mentioned, the Nomads are the same as in all of these films, most famously Mad Max, but many more. And we have cyborgs, of course. Been there, done that.

Don't misunderstand me. This is all good still. What I'm suggesting is try to find something, some element, that stands out as really unique. And try to introduce that element as early in the script as possible. Make it a signature part of this.

5) you are using a technique somewhat effectively that I am a fan of, and that is creating questions we need answered. For example the big announcement by Carver.

6) CGI; reminds me of computer generated graphics

7) Carver's last speech is rather long; maybe shorten it. You did a good job of mixing some behind the scene action images in.


Conclusion: good stuff, Darren. A lot of potential, and well delivered. The world you created is effective and intriguing. I think if you can address the main issue, which is who the good guys are, why they are the good guys, why we should root for them...you'll be in good shape!

Thanks mate, good advice from everyone so far.
I want to develop the characters over the episodes, think of any running show and you learn more as time goes by rather than put all the cards on the table, the ambiguity of who the bad guys and good guys are, becomes clearer over time - rather like Lost or Heroes, you're never sure about a few of them. (Gale in particular, she's the leader and later, her and Brook come to blows)
The shades of grey are deliberate but I'm hoping that as I get better, the characters develop, I have their arcs planned out and how they grow so that should be fun with quite a few surprises (episodes will be certain character centric so we learn more about each of them as we go, I jsut need to nail the dialogue)
Like I said to E.D. i'll keep polishing it until it's all lovely and shiny, but might move on to the next episodes and go back as I find a rhythm and groove.
Carver isn't trying to repair the world, this is a cover to his real plan - the erradication of the world outside of their utopia, Meadow saw the truth in the data she hacked, in the next ep, she tries to come to terms with it, wonders what to do as she realises she might endanger the group.
Daz

Aw, darn it, you revealed the Carver secret to me!

Just kidding. I do understand what you're saying Darren, and I understood this when reading. My concern is that there is so much ambiguity that the audience doesn't bond with anyone, and they need to do that in order to turn back to the next episode. That's what I was trying to say about the difference between world building and story. Part of the story arc process means giving the audience a sense of place early on where they have some sense of where things are.

Sci fi and fantasy definitely gives you more leeway because people watch it largely in order to explore new worlds. But I still think you're taking a big risk in making the plot too sophisticated early on. Plot is usually seen as a device for the story of the characters to play out in.

The old westerns had good guys in white hats and bad guys in black. I don't think it was because they could not write sophisticated stories. I'm not suggesting you go that far, I like the sophistication, and sci fi audiences have a much higher appreciation for that. I'm just saying the stakes need to be clearer earlier so we know who the good guys are and what they're up to.

I like it, though, and I think as you rewrite things based on everyone's feedback this will really round into good shape. You know if I tell you I like it I'm being honest because I was pretty hard on the recent short you posted, if I recall. It's good stuff cheap, as a local furniture goes.

I would look for a signature sci fi aspect too. I don't know what. Maybe the Nomads have nano infested faces, which are distorted and look like they're crawling with living bits, as though they are constantly trying to form a face but can't.

Maybe the land runs with rivers of gray goo, nano particles that are eating the land and devour anything that touches them.

Maybe it rains gray goo, so it's fatal to get caught in the rain.

Wow, I already figured a nano-rain thing out but the other two ideas you consider well and truly stolen

Congrats on finishing this pilot. Although I've never done one, I would think Sci-Fi would be one of the harder genres to write because of the world-building. I think you did a good job creating this post-Apocalyptic world.

The technical aspect of the script was very polished. Enough info to get a sense of characters and the scene/world. There were a lot of characters and I had to do double takes, but I think that's because you're aiming for a mish-mash of "Lost" with a Mad Max world.

First, the opening scenes where you flashback to the "Catastrophe". I'm not sure if you necessarily need to put this here. I say this because near the end Carver has this long speech detailing this event. Either you cut/short the flashback or cut down on Carter's speech.

I would rather cut the flashback in the beginning. One, the flashback slows down the action in the present time.

Second, this will free up space to develop/show your characters, which I think is more important so that the audience can start having a better feel for them early. Also, when Carver makes his speech, it provides the exposition anyway and you can save the "Catastrophe" scenes in the next episode. Make the audience anticipate/wait for the big explosions.

Another alternative: I assume you'll have an episode somewhere where Carver will be the "A" or "B" story that delves deeper into his character. Here you can insert that catastrophe scene. The episodes that are character-centric are usually the best places to insert flashbacks.

I like the "destroy the shanty" town for the good of the mega-city angle. This provides the audience something to relate to as this sounds very much like the OWS movement.

Lastly, I think you need one last "oomph" factor. The thing with Sci-Fi is you need something unique. The Nomads do feel too much like Mad Max. With your use of the plane and multiple characters, "Lost" comes to mind. You need your own "light saber." I'm not sure what this would be for you, but I think as you keep writing/rewriting this series you'll have an "aha!" moment.

Good luck.

Good comments Kingcooky. I'm going to think on some more, my "lightsaber" was going to possibly be the Nomads, I've took a suggestion to make the nanites that ravaged the world a key ingredient so hopefully that's where I can work my Oomph factor from.

The flashbacks were going to be a regular thing in each episode, each character was going to have a moment where we get to see life before the cataclysm, and how they've changed/had to change.
The series was going to be similiar to Lost in that the individual episodes focus on one or two characters and their involvement in the "A" story while dealing with their own "B" stories.

Agreed - the speach is too long and expository so going to get snipped to make room for more character development!

It will be a little while before I get more work done on this, been approached about some collaborative work so going to concentrate on that for now, give me a break from this so i can get some fresh eyes for later!

Thanks again

Daz

Hey Darren,

Saw the second episode up so thought I would give a read, I enjoyed the pilot so was expecting good read.

The action is again fast paced and the story moves along nicely just like the first episode.

After now reading the two episodes it feels like there are too many characters and I struggled to follow who everyone was. No character seemed to have their individual arc which I felt harmed this episode; too many characters gave it a disjointed feel IMO.

There was a lot of POV action in this one which harmed the read, I’m not sure on this technique personally but I felt it was overused.

You introduced every character again in this one, even the age.  I wanted to ask if this is necessary in a series because you have already done this in the previous episode.  I’m not sure myself and that’s why I ask? Also you failed to give ages to Freya, Winter and Carver on their intro, it didn’t bother me but I think it’s always good to be consistent because every other character intro had an age.  Just a thought.

The writing again was good but I did feel you overused comma’s a lot in the action but if you have looked at my script you’re know I’m hardly any better so who am I to criticise.

I did notice and couple of grammar errors, misspellings but it wasn’t a lot and I’ve been drinking so my senses are off and I might have misread it to be fair.

Overall I enjoyed it but I feel you need to start establishing the characters individually in future episodes. In a series I understand you don’t always need a main protagonist but with how many main characters you have it seems you need to make one shine out from the rest. If you look at a series like Lost for example, there were tons of characters and they all had a part no doubt but we always ended back with Jack, Kate and Sawyer most of the time, they were the main players and I feel you establish that here.

Good work again Darren, look forward to episode 3.

Steve.

Thanks again for the input, grammar is not my strong point and still working on it.
I appreciate the read and I agree with the character count being high.  It is my goal to give each character his/her own focus concentrating on the relationship between them with the action/job/Carver problem as a back drop.
To use the Lost comparison, I suppose Meadow, Winter and Brook are the stand out characters for me
I'll try to cut back on the POV's and commas too, I have noticed it myself.

As far as ages and description goes, I have received mixed advice about whether to introduce them each episode again.
Should I ditch the descriptions assume that people have read the pilot?

Thanks again for the read, its very appreciated.

epi 3 is pending, I'm gonna stick with this as i'm enjoying writing it and learning as I go.
I have updated the first episode too, took some advice and shuffled some stuff about.

Hey Darren,

I saw the third episode up and was happy to continue my journey with this series, was looking forward to seeing where you’re taking it.

Okay, this episode was a bit hit and miss for me I’m afraid, I like the Meadow storyline but didn’t care much for the Lake side plot. Also, Gale has slowly been disappearing over the three episodes, in the first episode she seemed like the main protag and then she was given less to do in the second episode but here in ep 3, she’s oblivious apart from the odd line here and there.

As I say, the Lake story didn’t work for me, we had a flashback showing him gambling and taking drugs, fine. In the present we saw him doing drugs and getting mugged, there was no resolution to this side story. He didn’t change anything along the way, if anything he’s going down a darker path.

The Meadow side plot was good, she’s more than we first thought and developing nicely but let’s be honest, who doesn’t love a cyber chick.

This episode was more dialogue heavy, less action. I don’t have a problem with that and think on the whole you’ve done an excellent job, the dialogue seems natural, or as natural as I could imagine it being in this world.

I will commend you on the world and visuals you’ve created, it’s never easy bringing something like this together especially in sci-fi and I for one think this has a lot potential to go forward.

The writing is good, it flowed really well and I didn’t have any problems. I have made notes of things but it was nothing that ever detached me from the read. I more make them for you to judge and decide for yourself.

These are the notes I took during the read:

Page 3: missing period at the end of Lake’s dialogue.

Don’t think uncle needs to be capitalised here?

The montage looks wrong IMO. I haven’t seen it done this way? I think it would look better if it was broken up into single action lines and given scene numbers. Just a thought.

Page 6: “Brook locks onto Lake, expectant.” Should this be looks?

Page 8: “West of the Fox Basin Wall” west doesn’t need to be capitalised in this dialogue.

Page 9: Carver isn’t capitalised on first introduction? Everyone else has been up to this point is all?

Page 11: “24 hours.” Shouldn’t this twenty four hours?

“The entire team are gathered. Gale, Forest, Lake and Meadow stand or sit patiently.

SNOW watches from the back of the room.

RAIN sits on a couch, Meadow is curled up against her.”

I would take Meadow out of the first sentence, she doesn’t need to be mentioned twice IMO.

Page 12: “They all listen to the end of a statement by Brook.” This line seems superfluous; we will understand this from the dialogue.

Page 13:

“Gasps of shock and hopelessness, only Snow remains calm.

LAKE
The Fallen Angels?

SNOW
Watchful Angels.

Winter nods, Lake is shell-shocked, he laughs hopelessly.”

I would personally try to avoid repeating the same actions like this. Everyone is shocked, hopelessness. Then Lake has actually the same feeling straight away.

Page 19: “cushty.” Brilliant line! I thought Del Trotter had walked in the room.

Page 24: “He looks to meadow” Meadow needs to be capitalised.

Page 25:               MEADOW
             What’s happening to me? Brook holds
             her close as he smooth’s her hair.
                            
                             FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)
                            (Whispers)
             I’ll take care of you.

Brook doesn’t see that Meadow’s eyes are wide open, fearful.

I think you made a little mistake here, it doesn’t make any sense. It looks like some of Meadows dialogue should be action and I have no idea about the female voice? I’m guessing it’s supposed to be Brook?

“A TV plays in the   background” big space between the and background.

Geotech? Where have I heard that before? That’s a name of a company here in Australia, how about that.

Page 26:                  CARVER
                   Ah, I see they’ve repaired it.

I like how you have done this but it raises a question about how she was getting up there before, I mean he’s in the penthouse, that’s a lot of stairs. Was just thinking? Maybe you have an answer?

Page 27:               LAKE (CONT’D)
                  Ow! That really hurt!

Not a fan of this line, too childish.

Page 29: “Forest is here.” This reads awkward IMO, just have something like Forest strolls in.

Page 35: “Carver Pours another glass.” Pours doesn’t need to be capitalised.

                                          CRAFT
                          I’ll give you four hundred, but
                          only because it’s you I'll give
                          you.

This dialogue reads awkward. But I think this is how this character talks if I’m not mistaken?

Page 36: Have seen a lot of “beats” like “he lies for a beat” should keep a eye on them and not use as many.

Also saw one paragraph here which is 5 lines long but I’m sure we can let you get away with one.

Page 39: A MINER sitting behind them (50) grizzled, leans forward between the seats and growls at the girls.
                                            
                                        PASSENGER
                              Are you gonna’ be jabberin’ all the
                              way to heckin’ Mars?

Just a personal preference but I would call him Miner in the dialogue like the description for consistency.

Page 44:                         OPERATIVE
                            Have you eaten any shell-fish in
                            the last 24 hours?

Twenty four hours.

And again in the next dialogue.

Page 45: “Her green dress” Freya gets through more dresses than the girls from Sex and The City. She’s gone from green to red and back to green. I’m not sure of the time frame here at the moment?

Page 46: “FREYA, in a bright red dress and heels,” She’s changed again a page later and now she’s in the aerodyne, she gets around.

Page 50: “With the dead. Guy.” Should there be a period here between dead and guy?

Page 51: “Freya enters, a bright green dress.” Okay, this must be on purpose? She was just in the aerodynes that were over the loft and in a red dress. Now she’s in the penthouse in a green dress?

It’s not a bad episode but the weakest so far IMO. I wonder how many you have planned for this? 6? 10? 12? Don’t think you could have more than 12 at this length. Anyway, look forward to future episodes.

Good work, Darren!

Steve.

Fantastic feedback as usual!
Going back later to correct the mistakes pointed out after I've done this full diskformat and re-install aaaargh!

A couple of things quickly - yes, Freya gets around, she IS in two places at once, more to be revealed... I thought the dress thing was a good way of visualizing it and the colours actually end up meaning something.

Still working on giving the charcters individual voices, Forest is a cockney so glad you picked up on that. As I get better, I'm hoping they will all be nice and individual on the page.

Yes, there should be a period between 'dead' and 'guy' I wanted Alanis to say it in a kind of word-at-a-time way, treating Meadow like a child, maybe it should read "help, me, with, the, dead, guy" or perhaps "help... me... with... the... dead...guy" you know, like Peter Griffin sometimes speaks through clenched teeth!

Some caps that need removing, yes I use 'beat' far too often and need to crack open the thesaurus for words like hopless and shocked etc lol!

Hmm, might have to change Geotech then.

There are too many characters to give them all lots of screen time, the first two episodes I was pulled up on spreading them too thinly so gonna give them their own A and B plots that intertwine over focused episodes (This is a Meadow and Winter episode, this one is a Lake and Gale episode etc - like star trek used to do!!)

I have an arc planned over 12 episodes but am really enjoying writing it so will go on for my own enjoyment.

At this stage I'll come clean, these stories are loosely based upon original adventures, characters and stories that the role playing group that I GM for came up with while playing d20 future RPG every sunday for ten years.
(I'm assuming you know what an RPG is, it's dungeons and dragons but set in the future basically)
They always said to me that I should write the adventures into a book - I did one better and made them into screenplays.

Anyway, thanks again for your input, episode 4 is on the pc later so hope you like it and have more gold for me!!!

Daz

Hey Darren,

I gave the pilot a read and I thought it was fantastic!  I also took a look at the webseries you were working on as well but Edgers definitely feels more my speed at the moment.  I thought your action was mostly good and I got enough of a sense of something to differentiate most of the characters, which is amazing with you juggling so many.  I thought you did a pretty good job with keeping things mysterious and I'm curious to read more.

After reading some of the comments I see that this is a later revision.  Not sure if you're still taking any notes on the pilot now that you're up to episode 4?

:Duan

Hi Duan, thanks for the comment, glad you like it!
I'm grateful for ALL suggestions and I still take comments on all the episodes.
The comments I agree on, I impliment so if you do revisit earlier episodes they do change as I upload revised scripts as I learn more and get more ideas.
(My scripts are hosted at webs.com so a simple upload of a revised version to the host site, updates the link here)

For example, Episode 1 has changed over the past month or so after a wicked suggestion for the Nomads. So if you read it a month ago you'll notice subtle differences if you read it now.

I have arcs worked out for each character and the episodes will focus on one or two at a time in the A and B threads of each episode.

Thanks again.
Daz

So, I promised I'd give some more feedback on this, and I hadn't forgotten.  I've just been busy with all those other things in life that get in the way.

Anyway, I want to reiterate that I really like this series.  There was comparison earlier to Lost and I see that, but I think the comparison to Firefly/Serenity is more apt.  This feels more in the mould of Whedon's work to me.  That said I'm also a gamer (though I could never get my group into d20 modern), so I may have subconsciously picked up on that angle.

On the Nomads: if they're going to be your series' "lightsaber" I think they need to be more compelling.   It may just be me, but crazy maniacal barbarians just aren't that interesting.  They remind me of the Reavers in Firefly, and they didn't really work for me there either.  I know that they were filling in for the "savage indians" in the space western milieu but I found them kinda silly.  For Nomads to stand out for me, they need to really have an impact in some way.  The idea that their skin crawls with nanotech is a cool visual hook but I think we need more on them.

So onto a review of the pilot:

I thought your descriptions and action flowed well for the most part and painted a vivid picture of a desolate apocalyptic wasteland.

I also think you did a good job giving us a quick sketch of the characters so that there was some differentiation (which is impressive since there's so many of them).

p. 4
- "Where too, Gale?"  Should be "Where to, Gale?"

p. 12
- I hope it's a plot point why Gale is so calm while the world is falling apart.
- Not sure if this reads right: "Survivors dressed against poison air, acid rain and change shuffle amongst salve rigged into makeshift homes..."

p. 16
- I jump between finding Craft's speech tic annoying and cool.  Sometimes it fits better than other times... sometimes it feels like too much.

p. 22
- I know this is supposed to be a bit where Gale and Brook are so caught up in their argument that they are ignoring the enemy bearing down on them, but it undercuts the threat of the nomads even more for me.  Back to Firefly and the Reavers as a reference, but even the most hardened members of Serenity ran for cover whenever someone even mentioned the word "Reavers".  This isn't really a problem unless you want the nomads to come off tougher than the impression I'm getting.  If you still want the bickering the other thing you could do is contrive some way that they can't hear the warning.

p. 23
- Run Forest. Ha! :)

p. 24
- Love the visual of the nomads dissolving after being killed, as if the nanobots finally break down the bodies once the person is no longer alive.

p. 27
- I'm guessing "gentile music" should be "gentle music" :)

p.33
- Enjoyed the "Get of my plane" bit.

And now I have to run.  I'll give my thoughts on Acts 3 and later soon.

:Duan

Hi Duan,
Thanks again for the input.
Going to correct that spelling mistakes and add a line or descriptive that shows us Gale and Brook are usually arguing like that and no, they didn't hear the warnings so need to make that clearer.
I thought Rain's line of "You should really listen to Snow" might have been enough.

I explore the nomads one more time in ep 4 and came up with a new twist on them that might be worth exploring but I am thinking the reavers similarity is too much and "post apocalyptic barbarians" are too on the nose so not sure what to do with them tbh but they are not going to be my 'lightsabre'
I am currently writing ep 5 and going to switch direction as I've found the plot lines need streamlining.

Thanks again

Darren

Hey Darren,

I look forward to reading episode four and seeing what you've done with the nomads.  In fact, I found your site and also read the treatment.  In some ways I wish I hadn't done that, as I'd be coming at the material with no preconceptions.  However, I do see that you had more planned out for the nomads besides post-apoc barbarians.  So I'm curious enough to see where you take it.

Now I have to decide whether I'll skip ahead to read episode 4 first, or reread eps 2 and 3 to provide notes.  Oh, and possibly throw my hat in the ring for the OWC.  Decisions, decisions :)

Anyway, back to ep 1 notes:

p. 47 - Really love this exchange.  Give us the standard "sneak out as a guard" thing and turn it on its ear.  It also lets Freya be clever, establishing her as a serious threat.  Which leads into a very cool set piece fight.

p.  50 - "Brook steals his nerves" should be "Brook steels his nerves."

Also, Act 4 is only three minutes.  Not sure if that matters at all, though.  Need to pay more attention to actual shows to see if it would be a problem.

p. 56 - END OF ACT 4 should be END OF EPILOGUE to match up with the heading on page 54.

p. 58 - Nice reveal at the end.

I know you've gone through a couple of revisions already so not much more to say.

:Duan

Duan, really appreciate your feedback thanks. You have a keen eye!
If you have time and inclination I would stick with reading them in order. The Rebirth Data arc stretches over all four and i'm planning to close that arc in 5.  I've decided to try and make each ep after 5 be more "stand alone" with the character's individual plots coming out as the A plot and demoting the the main story (Meadow's origins and a character called Alanis) to the B thread.

Thanks again

Hi there!

So I did finish reading the rest of this series a while ago and took notes, but then there occurred some computer problems of which we will not speak.  Needless to say I was a bit dejected.  I will have to do a re-read at some point, and you may have revised since  I've read (seriously, finished them at least a month ago) overall it was great, the reveal of non-feral nomads, the secret behind Red River and Freya all kept me on my toes and felt like you were playing with a well trod trope and making it your own, and I was surprised with how you "resolved" the fate of the big bad (or have you?) but there was one thing that stood out for me.

The sequence where Meadow gets a new arm from the friendly nomads needs some work IMO.  I think that the ability to basically will things into existence is just too big a game changer.  It either needs some limits or you need to more accurately reflect what the world of the nomads would be like in such a situation.  For a way of limiting it, I would say that either it takes head Nomad (sorry, can't recall his name now) a long time and/or a lot of effort to do it, or it's a skill he's learned/perfected to this level.  Otherwise, I would expect that when the Red River guys come to raid the nomads they should be coming up against a fortified fortress with people who can control nanobot swarms to assemble any weapon they need (well, at least guns, which I would expect are a lot less complicated than top rate cybernetic arm).

It may be that you intended the limitations to show but I must have missed it, so in that case you may want to make it more explicit.

I hope to do a reread at some point with proper notes and all but I hope this at least helps.

:Duan

Thanks for the read, I really appreciate it.  You make good points .
Keeper (that's the guy's name) has learned to control the nanites to a certain extent.  He does fall weak after "repairing" Meadow and seems wounded from the effort.  It's not so much "willing things into existence" it's more to do with controlling nanites at some personal cost.  Perhaps I need to clarify this more in the scenes that follow?  As well as the fact that they have tried to live a peaceful existance only using violence to keep the Nomads in check.
I've taken a break from it at the moment as I've been sidetracked by other projects but episode 6 is nearly finished (all of these are first drafts and no, I haven't had time for revisions unfortunately) and found on my webs address (in my sig below)
More is revealed about Meadow and Freya's origins.
Hope you enjoy it.
P.S. You haven't seen the last of Carver but Red River make CGI look like the salvation army.

Hey Darren,

Yeah, I think the personal cost needs to be shown more.  Because like I said, even if they are living a peaceful existence it reads as false to me that they aren't using their abilities to better themselves.  The kind of questions that I come up with is why hasn't this transformed their society?  

I understand that they aren't "willing things into existence" in a magical sense, per se, but functionally it amounts to the same thing.  Keeper comes in, says "Looks like you need a new arm" and presto he's got one that's better than the original.  Even if it tires him out for an afternoon, it seems like it would really be worth it for the nomads to be using this ability to build a fortified little paradise.

If Keeper started hacking up blood or something similar I would see instantly that ok, this is really stretching his abilities to the limit and is something you wouldn't want to do too often.  But then I'd hope we'd get some elaboration on why he's willing to take on this cost for Meadow.

Looking forward to the new episode!

:Duan

Good suggestion. Thanks again!