The Decaying World - Episode One by Lee Cordner (Leegion) - Series, Action, Horror, Drama - A Convict, a Prison Guard and a Cheerleader battle to survive in a world overrun with zombies… 62 pages - pdf, format

The Decaying World - Episode Two by Lee Cordner (Leegion) - Series, Action, Horror, Drama - New threats arise as the survivors travel across Texas in search of sanctuary and family. 47 pages - pdf, format

Cheers Don for uploading.

This is my zombie series.  Developed from a feature length story I penned.  I had plans to do a series, and this is it.

-Lee

Episode 2 is up.  It's called "Something to Fight For" and brings in my antagonists, and carries on directly from where the Pilot left off.

Is anyone interested in this?  As I'd rather not upload anymore until I know.  

Hi, Lee. We're writers not producers. Is anyone really interested in anyone else's work? You know zombies isn't my thing... but it may help if you offer some exchange reads to like-minded writers.

There seems to be an issue with the page count of your two episodes though. The first is much longer than the second. That's not good.

Also, have you considered the market for this series? Who do you intend to sell it to?

Lee,

I believe you need to absolutely trim this thing big time. First 9 pages in is boring. If you want the daunting task of a head on tackle with the saturated zombie genre then you damn well better slam it home in the first couple of pages,  and you need to blast us with something new and different.

Hope this helps,

Tony.

So this was a bad idea then?  Maybe I should've gone with my other series?  

Not sure who I'd sell this too anyway.  No idea why I keep writing zombie stuff.  It's a dead genre now.  

I'd READ some scripts if there WERE new scripts that interested me, but I've not seen much here as of late that I could possibly sink my teeth into.

Also, is it a good idea to give scripts away for FREE?  It's something I've been doing a lot of lately.  And I've been working with a Spanish director for the past 3 years on projects, all for FREE too.  

Anyway, I'm rambling.

It's only been a few days. I'd wait a little longer before you ditch the project all together. Wait and see, right.

I liked the feature version of this same idea. I gave you some feedback a while back. I thought the old opening was really strong. I've read half of this so far. Sometimes it takes me a while to make notes and finish scripts, but I'll get back to you soon.

I have to say I was really intrigued when i noticed you adapted this for series.

I thought you'd straight up adapt the feature,  but you totally reimagined this. No wonder you're curious what readers thought. Hehehe.  However,  I think it'd work better if you just expanded your previous vision.

Episode 1 builds nicely.  I like the family road trip aspect. Also cool when they pass the paddywagon full of prisoners.  A nice transition could be just cut to cuffs, on chains, struggling, meet prisoner. I liked the girls too. I'm glad you made one shy and separate them quickly.  Once she gets home it seems to head in the same direction as feature. I'll read the rest to find out.

I think you need to tighten the pace overall. The stuff at the prison is like a fully developed completely different show. I know there's a lot to set-up early for a series. So it's hard work to nail the pace. But the prison would be the easiest to trim. Too many characters.  Zombie victims don't really need names, do they? Haha.

That said, the prison outbreak is intense. You should milk that trapped feeling more. Emphasize the claustrophobia. The danger. It is intense as is... but that volume nob goes past 10 when you need it to. Rock it. The zombie stuff is what we want right.

I can't wait to see how you develop the time before the decay. Are you still going to jump ahead a decade or whatever?

I like your main girl, but we need someone more interesting at the prison. Have you considered making it harder for her to get back home? Some sort of obstacle or something? Maybe she gets a message in cab to hurry home? No reception to call back. Maybe cabbie mentions cell problems for past hour? I mention these to hint at or foreshadow upcoming terror. And to ramp up the intensity. Get our hearts going even before the zombies show.

I'll finish the episode and get back to ya soon.

I'm working on a similar synopsis in a zombie flick I'm writing now. Maybe we can bounce feedback?

Or I have a writing sample I'm still rewriting of STAR WARS EPISODE 7. I'm looking for feedback on that too. The more the merrier.

Take care. And good luck developing this further.

Stop giving shit away for free and start perfecting what you do write. Three years is a long time. I've worked for free twice and I feel that that is enough experience gathered. Now, I have to be paid... or I'm working for myself.

The way you do that is writing to a pro standard. Mismatched page numbers screams vomit draft to me. The real work is in the rewrites. I know they're a head-ache... but there's nothing like that feeling when you finally tie up every loose end in a story. That's what separates the men from the boys.

If you don't know who you're marketing this to, then give it up... and figure out a way to make money from this, which is your aim. Invest more time in perfecting stories and then have the confidence to send them out to people that will pay you if they like your stuff. Forget all the nobodies, bottom feeders hanging around looking to pHuck up your script and that's if they ever get off the ground in the first place. Learn from it and move on. You've got to bring your A game. You can't just walk in and have everything easy. Nobody can help you. It's your job as a writer to approximate perfection... and then you might get help.

I seriously don't like zombie stuff. I can do same-old with thrillers. I'm a sucker for a good action thriller. But zombies don't frighten me. They did when I was eight or nine... but now I just can't help but laugh.

The most important thing though mate is to know who you intend to market your script to. There's only one thing more difficult than writing a script and that is selling one. Knowing your market is imperative.

Also,

Take the walking dead as an example. The show is more about the conflict of the living and how they arc that has made the show so popular. Character arc and conflict is essential to every story.

The zombie part is merely the trigger or background that keeps the characters on edge.

Will your story have more than zombies?

Tony

@Last Fountain, sure thing, we can go back-and-forth if you want.  I'm always looking for new things to read.  SS has been slow lately.

In regards to the time skip... 10 years was a bit much last time, or was it 20?  That long after the outbreak and nothing would work, all canned food would be worthless, medicine would do nothing and there would be no supplies left.  Think I'll likely keep the series set in the present day and just move from there.

I somewhat had to imagine it.  There was a part of me that found the original boasting too much excess weight.  The 20 year gap for example.

@Tony - Yes, there IS more than zombies.  In Episode 2 you meet "Omega", who is my main antagonist for Season 1.  He's a biker, has a gang and wants what others have, to boot, he's a sadistic bastard that kills babies, rapes children and does whatever he wants because NO ONE can stop him.  He kills people for fun.  Think about the Governor and pile on 10x the intensity and you get Omega.  

The story is about moral conflict and choices.  Again, zombies are the background, the essence that drives the characters forward, but they face their own moral choices too.  Addison, Mack and Ellie will make some drastic choices going forward that will either see them survive or perish.  Episode 3 has a particular vibe regarding moral dilemma.

There's character arcs, conflict, everyone here has an important role.  No wasted character slots (apart from ep1 as you see no one from the prison again apart from Addison and Mack) and hardly any wasted moments.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Stop giving shit away for free and start perfecting what you do write. Three years is a long time. I've worked for free twice and I feel that that is enough experience gathered. Now, I have to be paid... or I'm working for myself. The way you do that is writing to a pro standard. Mismatched page numbers screams vomit draft to me. The real work is in the rewrites. I know they're a head-ache... but there's nothing like that feeling when you finally tie up every loose end in a story. That's what separates the men from the boys. If you don't know who you're marketing this to, then give it up... and figure out a way to make money from this, which is your aim. Invest more time in perfecting stories and then have the confidence to send them out to people that will pay you if they like your stuff. Forget all the nobodies, bottom feeders hanging around looking to pHuck up your script and that's if they ever get off the ground in the first place. Learn from it and move on. You've got to bring your A game. You can't just walk in and have everything easy. Nobody can help you. It's your job as a writer to approximate perfection... and then you might get help. I seriously don't like zombie stuff. I can do same-old with thrillers. I'm a sucker for a good action thriller. But zombies don't frighten me. They did when I was eight or nine... but now I just can't help but laugh. The most important thing though mate is to know who you intend to market your script to. There's only one thing more difficult than writing a script and that is selling one. Knowing your market is imperative.

I can't really help but to give stuff away.  The people that contact me are students mostly, all looking to adapt something.  I could never charge them for it.  But if a big studio contacted me, hell, I'd charge them.  But not independent filmmakers.

As for the mismatched page numbers... I always thought the pilot episode was meant to be longer than the continuations.  Episode 2 - 4 (as far as I am) are 45 - 47 pages each, equalling around 40mins of action.

It's an action thriller though.  Consider Season 1 a kidnapping story in a zombie apocalypse where the good guys (Mack, Addison & Ellie) have to get someone back from the bad guys (Omega, Lars, Angel) whilst trying to survive flesh eating corpses.  

I understand that zombies are not your thing.  They're not scary because they've been held back so long.  What I planned to do with TDW is make them think.  Imagine if they could coordinate an attack...

In regards to who my target would be:  HBO, NBC, ABC.  Though getting in touch with them has proven to be difficult.

-Lee

Actually, thinking about this.  I am looking for co-writers for the series.  Last Fountain, if zombies are your thing, maybe we can work something out here.  Work together.  Half the load, double the chance.  If anyone else is interested please say.  

It'd be great if we could get a collaborative thing going here on the boards.  Some of us may have agents, some of us don't.  If we can get something done it might be good.

Lee,

As a hypothetical. If I was someone important at a production company that was interested in your pilot, how would you respond to the following question:

"There are zombie stories coming in every week by the dozens, you have four sentences to sell me on how your work is just as good or better than AMC's version? I'm looking for multiple seasons out of a series, not just a half or one and done. "

Could you?


Tony.

It is possible to have a great script. Having a great script will attract great actors and producers, directors etc.

Students are something I've mostly avoided. I've worked with one who wants to make my short for his master's degree and I'll never work with another one again. I've had plenty of offers, even from amateur film makers, but after looking at their work I've backed out. If I can do better myself... well with help from some friends of mine... then why would I give a perfectly good script away for some other idiot to mess up? That isn't actually getting anyone anywhere... just piss in the wind.

You're at a stage now where you should be thinking about monetising your talent.. but it's going to take a little more effort than you usually put in if you want to attract people with money. It's also going to take some of your time approaching them. Build contacts... decent contacts that can move you forward. Hope you've started.

It isn't enough to write and hope someone will recognise your greatness... you've got to get out there and shove it under their noses... while hanging them upside down from a high bridge. I wouldn't recommend the latter, not unless you are actually going to drop them. I suppose it would send fear throughout the rest of the community. Might generate some reads.

I'll kidnap Alfonso Cuaron then...

Joke aside, you're right.  I've not approached anyone... ever.  I should give it a shot and if it doesn't work by the end of 2014, I know it's going nowhere.

I've also written myself into a corner on this.  I'm midway through episode 5 and everything feels too stale already.  

Lee,

The walking dead is written and directed by a multitude of different people. You can really see the difference from episode to episode.

Not to discourage you but most writers will stop at a pilot because they know once the series gets a green light others are brought in to continue the show as they see fit. So unless you are really having fun writing multiple eposodes, I would suggest you focus on another project.  The pilot is where you need to polish the shit out of in order to have a chance. Even then,  a buyer may re-write the pilot anyways.

Tony.  

That's one of the problems with TWD.  It lacks direction.  People handling characters differently than the people before and writers penning their own episodes often leads to stale characters and plot holes.

I could write an entire season by myself... unless it gets stale too fast.  Like this did.  By Episode 4, I'd bled the well dry.  

I may be collaborating with someone on their series, not writing anything, just planning.  I'm better at plotting than writing...

I finished the 1st episode. You've got some interesting characters. They're different types of people too, across ages and sensibilities.

I like how the stories collide together by the end. Some unexpected twists for sure. There's a lot action and some good images.

I liked the voiceover transitions between scenes. Like when the 1st line of dialogue in the next scene acts as a connecting (ironically appropriate) bridge. You should do this more. And with emphasis.  I'd suggest, for example, when you shift from Mack at prison to ellie at the bridge, you should have her say her dialogue... Stay... as mack walks away.

I loved the reveal of who Mack really is. I'm interested to see how that storyline unfolds over the season.

I imagine you came up with some of the prison stuff as you wrote it. Not because of quality,  do I suspect this, but quantity.  There's a lot going on. I wonder if you could space this out over another episode at least. And give the characters something interesting character wise. I know you were probably excited to get to the end, for the plot reveal and epic apocalyptic imagery.  But spread it out. Maybe some prisoners stay behind. So you could just shift some scenes around. Maybe alter the character groupings in prison. Maybe 2 in a cell.

I like ellie. I'm rooting for her. She isn't so obviously prepared for the zombie apocalypse like a tough inmate is. Explore this element more. Like have her more scared. Make it more difficult for her to fight. Maybe she realizes she's better off running and hiding. I think you should give her more screen time.

You could give her more to do in the scenes she's in, as of now. Once she gets her brother and escapes is a good opportunity to beef things up. Sometimes its more intense to have two physically weak people sneak by zombies, because if they get noticed they're screwed.

The walkee talkee plan and the tank is definitely too Walking Dead for me. The communication plan makes sense but the tank. Nope. Then there'd be soldiers or army and stuff.  And that would be a really quick response for that type of equipment. It's better if the government isn't fully prepared. Plus it gives something to discuss or show in future episodes.

I think it's better to have mack free, staring out, we wonder what he's thinking, what he sees, as hope fades, he's staring at a horde of zombies and burning cars in the distance. You know, pretty much the way you have it, just with taking more for reflection. And, uh, minus the tank. Hehehe.

Hope this helps. I'll check out episode 2 soon.

It's pretty intense stuff with tons of zombie kills.

Hey LF,

Voice overs are a tough thing to get right, so I'm happy they worked here.  I like the idea of using them more often, so I'll attempt that.

The prison, yep, it was mostly improvisation.  I wanted them to be stuck in the beginning so I could get them out fast.  If the season had gone as planned, you would've seen Tex, Paul, Mexican (Martinez), Tattoo and Liam again in Episode 6.  

Walkie Talkie thing and the tank, guess it came out of nowhere.  I'm not even sure why I have it in since Mack and Addison don't speak until they reunite anyway.  The tank also, military response would've been mad fast considering how quick the zombies took over, and the fact that they ran too, meaning they'd cover more ground much faster.

Ellie... well, the first episode is essentially the prologue from the movie version.  The second episode has her doing much more, more bonding with Evan, more thinking, hell she has to deal with something no one like her should have to deal with (Sinclair). Her role beefs up in episode 2, and she does something you won't see coming, so does Evan, who has a massive boost to his development cycle in Ep2.

Mack, yep, big reveal at the end of who he really is.  Though what he did to get where he was will also be revealed in episode 2, not fully, but enough to wet appetites.

I'm going back to Episode 4, where things took a downward spiral into crazy town and things started going awry.  If I can figure out the problem (characters doing the same stuff) then I might be able to save this thing and continue.

I'm also working with another member here, and possibly you, on zombie scripts/series'.  It's good to do this cooperatively, as writing episode after episode often leads to dryness.  

I did receive your Star Wars and Zombie scripts and will have a read over them.  I did crack open the Star Wars one and read a few pages, seems you've got the concept of Star Wars down but I don't know much about the SW universe, like who Han Solo is.  I only watched Revenge of the Sith.

-Lee