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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Living With Yourself Moderators: bert
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  Author    Living With Yourself  (currently 148 views)
Don
Posted: July 7th, 2019, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Living With Yourself by Xavier Gonzalez - Series, Comedy - Jeff is confronted by a future version of himself who claims to have come back to help him with a girl.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Sam
Posted: July 8th, 2019, 1:09am Report to Moderator
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I just read about 10 pages before work but I'm enjoying it. It's well written and the dialogue is good.
One thing a would change is naming your characters Jeff#1 and Jeff#2.
When I'm reading a script I don't read the names everytime I just look at the pattern of the word because it's quicker. But because the names are so similar I have to actually read them everytime.
You could have them as Jeff and Future Jeff.

Sam


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Sam
Posted: July 8th, 2019, 1:17am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, I just realised I only had two pages to go!
This would make a great web series or something you could film yourself.

Sam


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Fais85
Posted: July 16th, 2019, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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Wow! Felt like it ended too soon.

Only if you could have done a little work on the end, as an extended conversation between both JEFF about the Time Machine which could have given more details about future Jeff.

Another point is, if future Jeff is just 3 years later version, why he doesn't remember Sarah or Keziah or Chris? Is there any backstory? If yes then it would have at least hinted during the ending conversation.

Overall it's funny. Good premise, engaging writing.
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