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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  The Party Company Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 3rd, 2021, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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The Party Company by Chris Snowden - Series, Action, Adventure - The Party Emporium, an underground sex trafficking and drug cartel that operates as one stop party company for Los Angeles's elites, goes to war with Caesar, a sociopathic drug lord with a god complex. - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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eldave1
Posted: January 4th, 2021, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Read a few - your dialogue is actually pretty solid. Your action/descriptions need work. Let's look at page 1.



Quoted Text
TEASER
                        FADE IN:


don't need TEASER and FADE IN = left justiified.


Quoted Text
EXT. DOWNTOWNZZ LOS ANGELES STREET - DAY - 1933


typo - ZZ after downtown.

Don't put years in your header - they are not a location. Go with a SUPER:


Quoted Text
Cars drive by as pedestrians are leaving and entering stores
and restaurants. We notice two men walking down the sidewalk.
MAN 1, glasses, soft-faced, brown suit, dignified hat, is
slowing down while looking around confused. MAN 2, wiseguy,
too big for his britches, stern, blue suit, stops to look
back at Man 1.


Once you get to 4 lines - break it up.
CAP all characters (PEDESTRIANS)
Write active - PEDESTRIANS leave - rather than are leaving. SLows down rather than is slowing...etc
Lose the WE NOTICE

Something like:

Cars drive by as PEDESTRIANS exit and enter stores and restaurants.

Two men stroll down the sidewalk. MAN 1, glasses, soft-faced, brown suit, dignified hat, slows down while looking around confused.

MAN 2, wiseguy, too big for his britches, stern, blue suit, stops to look
back at Man 1.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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