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The Party Company by Chris Snowden - Series, Action, Adventure - The Party Emporium, an underground sex trafficking and drug cartel that operates as one stop party company for Los Angeles's elites, goes to war with Caesar, a sociopathic drug lord with a god complex. - pdf format
New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice
Read a few - your dialogue is actually pretty solid. Your action/descriptions need work. Let's look at page 1.
TEASER FADE IN:
don't need TEASER and FADE IN = left justiified.
EXT. DOWNTOWNZZ LOS ANGELES STREET - DAY - 1933
typo - ZZ after downtown.
Don't put years in your header - they are not a location. Go with a SUPER:
Cars drive by as pedestrians are leaving and entering stores and restaurants. We notice two men walking down the sidewalk. MAN 1, glasses, soft-faced, brown suit, dignified hat, is slowing down while looking around confused. MAN 2, wiseguy, too big for his britches, stern, blue suit, stops to look back at Man 1.
Once you get to 4 lines - break it up. CAP all characters (PEDESTRIANS) Write active - PEDESTRIANS leave - rather than are leaving. SLows down rather than is slowing...etc Lose the WE NOTICE
Cars drive by as PEDESTRIANS exit and enter stores and restaurants.
Two men stroll down the sidewalk. MAN 1, glasses, soft-faced, brown suit, dignified hat, slows down while looking around confused.
MAN 2, wiseguy, too big for his britches, stern, blue suit, stops to look back at Man 1.