12 Million Dollars Richer by Rene Heredia - Short - Would someone kill 12 thousand people for 12 million dollars? - rtf format.


Removed by request of the author

Hello everyone. I'm the writer of this script and I would like any opinion. Some tips, suggestions, and constructive critism. If you tell me that my script sucks then tell me why.

Has a Twilight Zone feel to it. The dialogue is bad. You should look this over and consider how people really talk. Our boy Johnny decides he believes that this cat is The Devil way too easily. I realize you were writing a short, but if this kid is that gullible, David Blaine could do a number on him.  Frankly I'm sick of the whole 911 bruhaha, but the insertion of the footage here is clever.

Your description is badly hurting...I'd pull this from the site, rework it (and take your time) and try to get something more out of it.

I agree with the  9-1-1 thing. I don't like that part at all. My sister's husband almost lost his life back there, so I would like for no one to put that stuff in their scripts.

Well I don't understand why you can't include 9/11 in your scripts Zonda. That is basically what this story is around.

Agree with Scott, the dialogue needs some work. The actual plot is not bad but I don't get the whole money thing. What did he have to do for the money? Anythign. Just say he'd sacrifice them?

Sorry to the poeple who don't like the 9-11 thing but it stays. I will rework the script and improve the dialogue after I get some more opinions. Thank you very much everyone.

Come on people I need more opinions.

I have a couple of questions about the script:

1. How is the kid responsible for killing 12 thousand people?
2. I have no problems incorporating 9-11 in, but I can't get the connection. 3,000 people died, not 12 thousand...

It's a good premise for a short movie, though you need to tighten up the dialogue a bit...IMO. Also - instead of coming out and telling the kid the man is the devil, maybe make him more cunning..and letting the audience and the kid slowly realize who he is dealing with...

Thats advice that i could use. When I wrote this i thought 12 million people died on 9-11 but then i reserched it after i submitted it to simplyscripts.com and it turns out your right, 3,000 not 12,000 died on that horrorific day. The kid Johnny sacraficed the 12,000 thousand people for 12 million dollars because he was greedy.

Oh okay...well, you have something to work with. Maybe work with dialogue to help the reader understand how much $$ is worth to Johnny. Jumping from a vending machine to killing 12 million people is quite a significant jump.

...maybe something along the lines of the Devil asking what money is worth to Johnny. What Johnny would do for $$...remember, the devil is seen as a cunning, evil being. You could have the Devil push Johnny into believing that killing people is worth the money...

Hope this helps!....keep writing!

I love your mind!!!!!

I'll take that as a compliment 

Good luck!

Okay well I liked the idea.  I even really liked the idea.  In my opinion though, things happen too fast.  I think, like MacDuff says, you should draw out the realization that the guy is the devil a little longer.

your right, I will definitely do that in the second draft.

Sorry to say it, but I hate the repeats of 9-11. Seriously, worse things have happened. Although I dont want to discuss this all here actually. I just dont like it as a constant reminder.

It was an alright read, nothing too special. I'm glad you gave the guy some sceptism.

I dont really like the premise of the plot, God and Devil making bets about humans. Of course some guy is going to murder people for money. God can't be THAt naive.

Just some food for thought.

Thanks for your opinion. However do you think i could do anything to make it better?

Don't do the betting thing. It's just the devil pulling people over. Just make him hand over the blame to the humans.

Hell, it was a guy that wanted the money, regardless of loss of human life. The devil only gave him a choice. That's the devil's motivation, to make the people hurt themselves.

Let the devil offer him 10.000 bucks, only each second the guy has to think about it, it will be 500 bucks less. At the end he's down to 3000 (or whatever your number may be) and he takes it, desperate for some money. I mean, he can't just let this oppurtunity fly by. Should put more pressure on the guy, time is money.

You wont change the 9-11 concept, and it basically revolves around that, so my advice is dont change it either. I dont really like it, but it's the support pillar for the movie I suppose, take it down and it's kind of void. Keep it.

Some hints from me, just my take on the whole thing.

12 Million Dollars Richer by Rene Heredia - Short - Would someone sacrafice 3 thousand people for 12 million dollars? - doc format.

Removed by Request

Um, 9/11 killed about 3,ooo people and in your script its 12 thousand.

I am not sure I get the point of this. It seems almost like you don't really get the point of this. If you're trying to make some sort of statement about the nature of man, substituting the Devil for terrorists is both too simplistic and in my view, a little insulting - which is to say, take out the 9/11 reference at the end.

Past that, I still don't get it.

Read everybody else's critique's, so I may be a bit redundant.

There is no point to this. You have about six or seven quarter points, but no real point. Johnnny Bauer's a loser? the Devil's the devil? People die because others are greedy, arrogant, mad?

The Devil makes a bet with God that he can get one poor shmuck to say he'd take money for the lives of people he doesn't know. Even the 9/11 terrorists knew the other Qaeda guys on the plan - their sacrifice was greater than Bauer's. Also - what kind of God would even make such a bet?

Sorry - the more times I read this, the more I think about it, the less I think of it. There is nothing here.

To everyone, I'm not trying to get feedback on this script. It already has been filmed. I just wanted to submit it for the Walters.