Looking Down From Above by Stewart - Short, Drama - Atleast once in every lifetime a hard choice is made. Wether it is the right one, is up to you... - html** format.

I wrote this to help me with dialogue/monologue scenes. Do these characters seem 'real' to people?

Thanks.

PS - Thanks for putting the script up Don.

Hey MacDuff!  You were kind enough to give feedback on my writing so I'm only too glad to return the favour.

Good dialogue.  It's always best to follow the less-is-more mantra.  There are a LOT of scripts on this site where the characters are saying far too much.  When we speak to each other, in daily situations, we do it really poorly.  We cut sentences in have, chop words into ever more creative contractions (where'ra going!), start our sentences where, grammatically, they should never start (BILLY: ...sayin' to Jed th'other day we gotta get that so'm'bitch!)

However, for most writers, all their characters sound the same, and are as equally articulate as one another whether they be a lawyer or garbage collecter, because the writers have little faith in the reader's ability to understand sub-text -- what the characters are saying by actually saying nothing.

As I said, good dialogue. 

One day, I want to read a suicide story, where the angel that comes to talk to them is BAD!  (ANGEL: We're laying bets on you upstairs.  You know that, don't you?  Right now the odds are...)

I thought the guy was a jumper himself!  That he was going to talk her out of it but jump himself.  Don't know why, just got that impression. 

matt g

Thanks for the comments Matt!
As I mentioned, I was mainly concerned of portraying the characters well using monologue. I had a hard time conveying Ralph as who he really is, so some of the dialogue from him can have multiple meanings.

thanks again!

As for the ending.

I had the EXACT same feeling (or just dieing wish) that the guy was going to jump.

I guess it could have been possible that he has indeed jumped, although it's clearly not the writer's intention.
I'd go for he's a ghost of a guy who jumped. At least that would give his story some more credit.

It was well written, and although a tad cliché in some senses, I enjoyed the read. Most of the unproduced scripts are quite untalented, you show great potential.

Want to read more from ya.

Thanks for the comments Hypnos.

I have another one called Father, that is in the Drama section (even though it is a short.). I read it over again, and noticed it is in quite rough shape (I may have sent in the wrong draft). You can read that if you like - but be warned, it's not that good...lol.

I'm currently working on a re-write of a full-length script that has been on the backburner for some time - I'll have it posted when it's complete.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

No problem, you deserve the credit.

Still, give a writers commentary on it.

Looking down from above can be interpretated in quite a few ways. Do you have a specific idea in mind. Heaven, the guy being an angel. Or is it more readers interprentation?

I wrote it after watching a show about Guardian Angels. Raphael is one of the Guardian Angels that looks over people. I originally had Ralph called Raphael, but did not want the name to be too obvious.

I then changed his personality to reflect a jumper having a rough time also. Finally, I gave the ending an "open" feeling to give the reader the choice as where they think the story takes them.

Alright thanks for that. Glad you didn't go with Raphael..too much ninja turtle

Hope your next project will work out well.

Whoa, i like this a lot, i think if someone made a good movie out of this, it could go into some festival and definately win something. I realy think you have writing talent. Keep up the good worl, and get this to the big screen !

Thank you very much!

To date I have had about half a dozen requests for this to be made, plus I've been asked to submit it to a creative arts magazine!

I'd love to make this, but you wouldnt love me to make it lol.
Since im a kid and have no big budget equpement and stuff, and how would i get a 30 year old woman to act for me ? lol....well i realy hope to see this someday maybe.

hey Stewart!





Don't want to ruin this for anyone - SPOILERS AHEAD!!





Ok - This was a lovely read, really. I thoroughly enjoyed the script and the feel good factor it left me with afterwards.

Your format was fine and couldn't see any obvious grammar mistakes or anything...better watch mine now, lol!

Dialogue was very good - I thought you made both characters real and I thought it was well paced too, gald you didn't rush it or draw it out with too much unnecessary conversation.

Perfect length as it is. However, I could see this feature length but then I would like to see Ralph with a host of other pre-suiciders too...I think he has potential for more comedy, which in these situations, is sometimes a nice way to provide relief to the obvious tension.

Honestly, this was great and am sorry I didn't see this before, as the pick me up it gave me was much needed!!!

Well done you!  

Andy x

Thanks for reading this Andy! I sometimes forget that this is on the website...lol. This is going to be filmed independantly sometime this year, so it will be interesting to see how it actually plays out on screen.

Well, I've got my bags packed - headin' off to the UK tonight.

See ya later!
Stew

Stewart,

hope you and your wife have a safe trip and that your time with the 'QUEEN' goes well

- I'm sure you'll both have a blast, it's had excellent reviews.

Take care,

Andy x

Nice sig by the way!

Thank you!

PS - Next weeks weather looks set to be in around 17 degrees average in London, so bring layers in case you get hot. After then the weather should hopefully stay good!

Have fun  

Don't mind me.  Just reading at work haha.

I remembered "R.I.P." alright.  I was thinking features, but I guess this will have to do.  Sure would like to have a glimpse of "Devil's Peak", though.  I don't know how much feedback you are craving on this anymore, but I came away with a few things.

(some spoilers here)

You mispelled Tourette's syndrome.  Maybe you already know that by now, and in fact, I am not even sure that how I have spelled it is right.

You seemed mostly concerned with dialogue, and you did it well here.  For example, the exchange:  "I'm scared" "Of what?" "Are you a religious man?"

Answering a question with a question -- going for subtext rather than on-the-nose dialogue.  You do that pretty well throughout, with your characters responding to each other in ways that are not -- well, I guess "linear" is as good a word as anything.  They almost respond to themselves as opposed to the other character.  So yeah, you did a good job with what you set out to do.

My only real beef is that the Woman (OK, two beefs:  Give her a name!) seemed more confused than anything.  The reasons behind what she planned to do were never really answered to my satisfaction.  She has a monologue about this, well-written, but not quite compelling enough for her drastic plans.  One suggestion might be to remove the "kids" angle -- if she were childless, we might buy into her sorrow a little more -- and it would certainly make her more sympathetic.  I found it frightening that she could be so cavalier about leaving them behind, frankly.

So, this is a satisfying short that goes down pretty easy.  Nice and quick.  Ends well.

You mentioned that maybe this was going to be filmed.  Did that ever happen?  And am I the only one who sees Jason Alexander as Ralph?

Bert,
Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked it. As I've mentioned before - I feel I've come a long way since I wrote this (this was my first script) and I have learned a lot.

I read it now and find it a 'little' preachy, but that's okay. Totally understand about the kids angle - never thought about that before. if I ever decide to re-write it, then maybe that will be changed.

And yes - you're spot on. I molded Ralph around Jason Alexander - well caught. Which makes me happy, that means that I was able show what I intended.

As for filming - I've had 6 different requests to film it, but I had already decided on PawPrint Productions to film it. They haven't started yet (though they had someone lined up for the woman).

Bert - I couldn't find a link to Someplace Nice and Dark. Is it still on here?

Stew,

Link to Someplace Nice and Dark - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b=short,m=1120591666


Don

Perfecto!

Thanks Don. I tried searching on it using the search function. I was able to find Bert's Salvage, but not this one.

Weird.

Quoted from MacDuff ...which makes me happy, that means that I was able show what I intended.

Wow...that was your intent?

That should make you feel excellent, man!

(And thanx for the assist, Don  )