Hey Chris, just finished reading this.

*SPOILERS*

You´ve got an original premise here with great potential for a short comedy. Altough comedy is not my cup of tea, I found myself chuckling many times (the Hillary Swank line, Osama´s "thank you infidels", the Brad Pitt line, etc). Kudos for you.

The only thing I can pick you on, is that the script felt a bit unfocused for quite a bit.

It starts good, and you introduce an original premise (the avatar thingy), right away. But after that, you´ve got a collection of random events, rather than one story. The main character didn´t have a problem or a goal, he was just acting like a boy with a new toy.

When he gets stuck with his Osama´s face, then I felt the story was going somewhere again; now this guy has a big problem which has great potential for funny situations as well. How is he going to get out of this one? Unfortunately, the script ends shortly after that.

I felt like you focused on random events for most of the script, instead on focusing on the biggest conflict, the strongest idea you got out of the initial premise.

Just my opinion, anyways. You already recieved some very good comments from other posters, so I´ve got anything else valuable to add.

Congratulations for the original idea, and good luck with future rewrites.

I really liked this one,  I thought it was hilarious, the part where chuck norris beats the shit out of the asshole neighboor was probably my favorite part, and of course the hilary swank tits part.  I also loved the ending, that was great, the whole osama bin ladin thingy.  I agree with some of the other posts here that the edan character, or at least the part on the phone wasn't needed, execpt you wouldn't of had that hilary swank line, but I guess you could have put that someplace else.  all in all I really enjoyed it.  keep up the good work

Quoted from The boy who could fly I agree with some of the other posts here that the edan character, or at least the part on the phone wasn't needed, execpt you wouldn't of had that hilary swank line, but I guess you could have put that someplace else.

Thanks for the feedback I think the second phone call was unnecessary. I'll ditch that in the rewrite and have him notice an invitation to the Bad Taste Ball, on his notice board or something.

Quoted from Mr.Z It starts good, and you introduce an original premise (the avatar thingy), right away. But after that, you´ve got a collection of random events, rather than one story. The main character didn´t have a problem or a goal, he was just acting like a boy with a new toy. I felt like you focused on random events for most of the script, instead on focusing on the biggest conflict, the strongest idea you got out of the initial premise.

Interesting comments Mr Z. I actually didn't focus on too much at all, because I knew it was a short and I didn't want it blowing out to 30 pages. However, your points are valid and if I ever decide to flesh it out to feature length, I'll have less skimming and more focus. I also liked your comment about him being like a kid with a new toy, this reminded me of Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. At first he just played around with his new found power, but after awhile he used it to help people, this is something I could explore with my story. Thanks for sparking a new idea.    

Thanks for the vote of confidence Kevan. I'm sure I'll have a crack at turning this into a feature at some stage. At the moment I'd just like to tidy it up a bit and make it the best short it can be.

Oh by the way, the new re-formatted version is up. Thanks again.

Read the formatted version...

I like the idea a lot, I really do, as well as the tone.  It has a nice simple approach to a ludicrous premise, which actually makes it a lot funnier I think.

-Is Eden necessary?  He doesn't really do too much.
-Some of the messy/body function humour goes a little overboard, I'd say, especially in the description.  For instance the "shot a load off" gag in the description might put some people off.
-I liked how Kev was just standing outside scratching his ass when Kane looked out the window.

Anyway, I don't have too much to pick on this one for.  It had a great feeling to it and the dialogue was consistently funny.  Good job!

Heretic,

I'm going to rewrite this one soon and I'll be losing the second phone call scene with Eden. Your comment about the messy/body function humor was an interesting one, you're the first person to mention it, but I'll consider toning it down in the next draft.

Thanks for your comments.

Just to clarify things, it didn't bother me at all.  I enjoy that kind of stuff.

I just thought it might put off some people.  Depends who your audience is, I suppose.

Spoilers


What would happen if he clicked on say the picture of two different people in one picture or something crazy like a glass dildo?

You could have taken the friendship with Eden and made it more relevant to the plot, maybe have him come over but for some reason Kane is himself again. Unexplained phenomenon but effective to show how a friend supports the other in his time of oddness.

Somebody had the balls to tell me where to go... finally even if it is in a screenplay. Blatant and too the point.

I enjoyed the screenplay for the most part; I didn't understand his choices for people to become, as it seems that different people would make for more comedy and or effect.

Osama was necessary I understand that but the other choices were just random and a few were somewhat pointless. (I did see the Osama finale coming, thinking back to your pm and Osama being the most wanted it came together as it was unraveling which may or may not be a good thing. You decide.)

Still an entertaining short, more of the stuff I like to read and less of the boo I'm scary for some reason.

Wes,

Your comment about what would happen if he clicked on a photo with two people in it, is an interesting one, I was actually thinking about that today. I guess he’d click on it and turn into a Siamese twin, freak out and quickly change it back; I think I’ll put that in the next draft.

As for your appearance, I didn’t want to tell you about it before hand; it would have spoilt the surprise.

I hear what you’re saying about some of the character selections though, Val Kilmer and Takeshi Kitano were pretty irrelevant, I think I was just being a bit self indulgent and putting in some of my favorite actors. However, I was happy with Osama, Quentin and Dakota; I think they’re the right people for the story.

Like you, other people have told me I need to work on the Eden character, I will definitely do that. I'm also thinking about introducing a love interest who is in the same predicament, but that would probably be better suited to the feature length version.

Thanks for the feedback.

I was suggesting what to do with Eden as I read the other comments, I don't actually have a problem with Eden because minor characters aren't central to the plot especially in a character piece.

The major flaw with the idea is if he were to use an inanimate object as his sig as certain people do it would end the script because he wouldn't exist.

If you're going to use a lot of irrelevant celebrity characters, use a lot more. The ones you have were effective (Pointless as well) but if you would have had him going crazy changing from person to person it would make those certain characters work more.

One thing I also thought was what if he used a cartoon character? Would he become that animated character or would he simply not exist?

Wes,

I’ve thought about what would happen if he changed himself into an inanimate object. I guess if he managed to change out of being Osama, I could visit that situation. Perhaps he could change himself into an inanimate object and that would be the end of the story, or a friend could walk into the room and change his avatar back into a person. He could reappear with some bizarre story about what it’s like to experience reality as an inanimate object.  

As for the question of him being a cartoon character, perhaps he could inhabit the world of the character, like the people who go to cartoon land in the Twilight Zone movie. I could just see him popping up on Eden's TV as Homer Simpson, asking Eden to whip over to his place and change his avatar back to a person.

I suppose when you have someone who can change themself into anyone there are a lot of options. I don’t mind experimenting with it, as long as it doesn’t throw the structure of the story out. But with a concept like this I know I should let my imagination off the leash and really go for it.

  

Hey guys,

This is the second draft of 'Man of a Thousand Masks'. I've taken on a few of the suggestions from the first draft reviews and I've made a few other minor changes.

So thanks to everybody who reviewed my first draft and a big thanks to Kevan for proof reading this latest draft for me.

No worries Pia. I know what it's like. When did life become so busy?

Christopher,

Nice intro to your work.
I liked this one, funny and a very clever idea.

I think your description of Marty is nice but perhaps a tad long. Ditto that for Kev as well, we don’t really need to know what kind of T-shirt he’s wearing. Those descriptions goes on for five lines for each of those two characters.

You also describe the items Kev is carrying as remnants from the party last night. It’s fine to mention the items, but how do you film that they are from last night? It’s not necessary anyway since Marty mentions the party last night in his dialogue shortly there after.

On page 2, you put (interrupted) in the dialogue, I think it’s just ok to put - - there instead.

On page 3,  I was wondering who Kane was.

I wasn’t too crazy about A’nold’s line, seemed flat somehow.

Other than that I really enjoyed it. Very clever indeed.

Quoted from tomson On page 3,  I was wondering who Kane was.

Ha, I was wondering what happened to Tomson and who the hell Pia was, now I know.

Yeah, that Kane bit was a mistake; in the first draft Marty's name was Kane, when I changed it to Marty for the second draft, I missed changing that one. But I've fixed it and re-submitted the script to Don. I didn't pick it up when I proof read it and either did Kevan, but as soon as it was posted on the SS board the mistake stood out like dogs' balls on a budgie, weird isn't it?

Anyway, thanks for your comments, I've pretty much finished with this and now I'm focusing on my next script.