Man of a Thousand Masks by Christopher Reid (Takeshi) - Short, Comedy - A man discovers that when he changes his avatar on his computer, it's not the only thing that changes. 22 pages - rtf, format

I just read this, Chris, and I am wondering now if this is the reason you were asking about the premise to Cameron's new project.  Don't worry -- you are pretty far removed from what he was doing.

This is actually a marvelously absurd premise -- the kind where you go, "I wish I had thought of that."  And you did a good job with it, too.

But I have to bust you on the format, as will most readers, I suspect.  I've seen you reading stuff -- you know what it's supposed to look like -- and I am wondering why this is so far removed from the proper standards.

Anyways -- I'll leave that to the format police -- as I liked this story pretty well and would encourage readers to stick with it and see it through to its very clever conclusion despite the format.

At the very least, try to make it to the bottom of page 2 -- where you wil find a very pleasant surprise as to the direction this story will take -- and that will probably be enough to draw you along.  It caught me completely off-guard, and I suspect it will catch you, too.  The Hillary Swank line later is fabulous.

But you will lose some readers because of the format, Chris.  There are plenty of format snobs that will open this up, take one look, and then shut it back down without even giving it a chance.  I'll give you a "great job" for story, but that other issue should really be addressed before you start on something new.

Quoted from bert But I have to bust you on the format, as will most readers, I suspect.  I've seen you reading stuff -- you know what it's supposed to look like -- and I am wondering why this is so far removed from the proper standards.

I don't know about that Burt. I have four printed scripts in front of me from Simply Scripts regulars, not to mention a copy of True Romance and I can't see a huge difference between the format of them and the format of mine.

But hey, if someone can make any suggestions that will help me improve my format, I'll gladly take them on board.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, I enjoyed writing it. It was one of those stories that just fell into place really easily.

And yes this was the reason I asked about Cameron's new project. I had just started writing this when I heard that he was making a film called Avatar, so given the premise of my script, I thought I'd better look into it. Avatar would have been a great title for my script too, but ah well, he beat me to it.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! I got a kick out of that one. I can't really say much without spoiling the fun, but you've got a good story here. It works well within itself, and I really couldn't add much to it. Well done.

As the official format police, here's where that went wrong there.

1. Don't use italics or bold.
2. Use 12-point Courier (or Courier New or Courier Final Draft) font, not Times New Roman.
3. Names should be indented to 2.2 inches, not centered.
4. Wrylies should be indented to 1.6 inches, not centered.
5. Dialogue should be indented to 1 inch, and be no wider than 3 to 3.5 inches, not left justified.
6. Description should be no longer than four lines. Easy fix, though, just double space it every four lines. No loss of content, just need that double spacing.

Hope that answers the format question.

Well done on the script though. That was priceless.

I'm actually very curious as to how this got a   format rating.  George already explained, so I won't bother.

Anyway, this was a solid story and at times laugh out loud funny.  

*Kane and Kev.  Opening scene of a short script, these guys have 2 short names that start with K and it's kind of easy to get confused.  
*I think Eden is a pointless character.  He doesn't do much except introduce the Bad Taste Ball.  He also humors Kane on the phone, but that could have been done by Kev.
*That Hillary Swank line has to be one of the funniest pieces of dialogue I've ever read on this site!  Hilarious!
*I also liked your "mask" selection.  Tarantino robbing a bank, then Dakota Fanning popping up, and of course this couldn't have been complete without Chuck Norris.

Overall I enjoyed your story very much.  Funny, original, well written.  The only thing that hurts you is the format, but as Bert said, I'm recommending that readers give this a chance because it truly is a hilarious story.  What I think you should do is clean up the formatting and make it look nice and pretty and then resubmit it.  

Very impressive debut, Chris, Takeshi, whatever you like to be called.  I look forward to reading some more of your shtuff

Thanks for the comments guys. I'm glad you all liked the story; the format issue has been a bit disappointing. However, Kevan was good to enough to fix it for me and I've resubmitted it. After seeing what it looks like reformatted I totally understand what you were saying, it looks heaps better now. So hopefully the new version will be up soon.

Hi, Chris or whoever you are...kinding!

Great work, boy! Neither the wrong format of it made it bad, because it is a jewel.

As George said the dialogues are great!

I have just one comment. It is about the elements inside this nice and well written script, they are good to be inside a short story and you will have lot of people that not necessary knows SimplyScripts reading it.

Anyway, great premiere Chris!

More, more, more!

Thanks Helio. It's an interesting point you raise about the wider public not knowing what Simply Scripts is. But, I think today's younger generation are pretty computer savvy and would be well versed in the use of avatars. Anyway, I don't mind making the audience work a little bit; I like films that make me work a bit. However, given the cast of characters I've got in this script, I can't ever see it being made into a short film, unless it was an animated short.    

Wow! Nice one, Chris. I think you completely turned the SS script upside down. It's a script featuring SimplyScripts but not strictly about SimplyScripts nor does it exclusively feature SS members. I thought this was very clever and very funny. The highlight for me was the aftermath of Kane's Quentin Tarantino bank robbery. One thing that kind of bothered me, however, was Kane's attempt to make sense of his transformation. The reality is outrageous enough as it is but Kane's theory that he's become a shapeshifting ghost is even more so. It didn't seem realistic. I think he'd try to come up with an answer that makes more sense instead of less. Also, how is Osama Bin Ladin even able to get home after everyone recognizes him. He'd be caught in a flash, I'd think. Why not have him wearing sunglasses at first then have him take them off and have everyone recognize him? Just a thought. Other than that, an excellent SS debut. Well done.

Thanks for that James. You're probably right about the shape shifting ghost idea. Perhaps he could think that Kev punched him and he's hallucinating due to a bout of concussion. So he goes back outside to Kev and says "Hey, did you belt me before?' to which Kev could reply "Who the hell are you?,” thus confirming that he's not hallucinating.

As for Bin Laden being grabbed in a flash, I envisaged him going to the shop and being seen by women and children, not people who could grab him. I guess I could have made that clearer in the text. Alternatively, Osama could go to get his newspaper from his letterbox and get spotted by someone who calls the authorities.

Chris, I read through the script and took some notes as I went.  I didn't read any comments on this script , so if I say something that's already been said, just ignore.

First off, the formatting is way off.  Pick up any screenwriting book at your local bookstore and it will tell you the proper format for scripts.

In the beginning it said about 10:00 am.  THis can be fixed by writing MORNING in the master scene heading.  THe time of day is not important unless it is critical to the story, which I found it wasn't.

Cut back on what a character is wearing.  Again, it's not really important to know what kind of clothes a character wears.  If you must, just keep it to a few words.

Try adding scene descriptions, but keep them short.

Limit your paragraphs to four sentences.  This is to avoid a reader to "zone out" and keeps his/hers interest.

Try using "Continuing" secondary headings.  E.G.  You have  INT. LOUNGEROOM - DAY  when it should be  INT. LOUNGEROOM - CONTINUING    This tells the reader or director that it's not a new day.

A master scene heading is needed for Eden's place before the INTERCUT.

A just a  few minor typo's I found:

Dam is spelled Damn

I think you should get the hell OFF of my property, instead of OF

"grabs the bag FULL of money, instead of fall

Now to point out the positive.

I found this script to be very entertaining and funny.  I couldn't stop laughing about the Hillary Swank bit.  I also found this very clever and original.  It would make a great short.

I hope this has helped you out!

Keep up the good work,

anti

This was about as funny as something in script form can get - imagine it as a movie.

Maybe you could change the website to something neutral - that doens't exist.
Like make the website name be FORUMS or something.

Towards the end it gets a bit jumpy, and a sfunny as it is, with the formatit just seems amatuerish. The writing, dialogue is fine, but fix your format and it will win one of Rapture's awards in 2007.

Thanks anti and Ben. I've already been hammered over the formatting and that's been fixed and resubmitted. Anti, I'll take your other formatting issues into account for the rewrite. Thanks again guys.  

Hey Chris,

This is pretty good. It has a very good concept and pretty good execution. I’m not even getting into the format thing because it’s apparently already been worked out.

Story wise: at first I was disappointed that it was never explored as to where exactly these powers came from but abandoned that notion because it had such a sort of artsy Charlie Kaufman feel to it. As with something like Being John Malkovich, it was easy to suspend the logistics of it. And that’s a good sign. It takes good writing to do that.

I didn’t find it quite as funny as it was made out in some of the previous reviews but I’m not sure comedy was the true intention here as much as was the creativity and curiosity of it.

Of course, actually trying to film this would be near impossible unless you found good look-alikes for all the famous people who appear. As far as the story, though, it was a job well done.

Brea

Brea,

I'm surprised you read it with the dodgy format. I was thinking about sending you a PM when the reformatted version was up. Anyway, it’s funny that you mentioned Being John Malkovich, I was almost going to say this is BJM meets the Twilight Zone in my logline. I'm glad you noticed the similarities between this and BJM, because like BJM I decided not to explain the logistics of it, trusting that the reader would accept that it's a farce and suspend disbelief.

As for making this into a film, I could probably make an animated short out of it, but I actually wrote it thinking it could never be made, which meant I could let my imagination run wild.


Thanks for the feedback Brea, I owe you a review.  

Hey Chris, just finished reading this.

*SPOILERS*

You´ve got an original premise here with great potential for a short comedy. Altough comedy is not my cup of tea, I found myself chuckling many times (the Hillary Swank line, Osama´s "thank you infidels", the Brad Pitt line, etc). Kudos for you.

The only thing I can pick you on, is that the script felt a bit unfocused for quite a bit.

It starts good, and you introduce an original premise (the avatar thingy), right away. But after that, you´ve got a collection of random events, rather than one story. The main character didn´t have a problem or a goal, he was just acting like a boy with a new toy.

When he gets stuck with his Osama´s face, then I felt the story was going somewhere again; now this guy has a big problem which has great potential for funny situations as well. How is he going to get out of this one? Unfortunately, the script ends shortly after that.

I felt like you focused on random events for most of the script, instead on focusing on the biggest conflict, the strongest idea you got out of the initial premise.

Just my opinion, anyways. You already recieved some very good comments from other posters, so I´ve got anything else valuable to add.

Congratulations for the original idea, and good luck with future rewrites.

I really liked this one,  I thought it was hilarious, the part where chuck norris beats the shit out of the asshole neighboor was probably my favorite part, and of course the hilary swank tits part.  I also loved the ending, that was great, the whole osama bin ladin thingy.  I agree with some of the other posts here that the edan character, or at least the part on the phone wasn't needed, execpt you wouldn't of had that hilary swank line, but I guess you could have put that someplace else.  all in all I really enjoyed it.  keep up the good work

Quoted from The boy who could fly I agree with some of the other posts here that the edan character, or at least the part on the phone wasn't needed, execpt you wouldn't of had that hilary swank line, but I guess you could have put that someplace else.

Thanks for the feedback I think the second phone call was unnecessary. I'll ditch that in the rewrite and have him notice an invitation to the Bad Taste Ball, on his notice board or something.

Quoted from Mr.Z It starts good, and you introduce an original premise (the avatar thingy), right away. But after that, you´ve got a collection of random events, rather than one story. The main character didn´t have a problem or a goal, he was just acting like a boy with a new toy. I felt like you focused on random events for most of the script, instead on focusing on the biggest conflict, the strongest idea you got out of the initial premise.

Interesting comments Mr Z. I actually didn't focus on too much at all, because I knew it was a short and I didn't want it blowing out to 30 pages. However, your points are valid and if I ever decide to flesh it out to feature length, I'll have less skimming and more focus. I also liked your comment about him being like a kid with a new toy, this reminded me of Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. At first he just played around with his new found power, but after awhile he used it to help people, this is something I could explore with my story. Thanks for sparking a new idea.    

Thanks for the vote of confidence Kevan. I'm sure I'll have a crack at turning this into a feature at some stage. At the moment I'd just like to tidy it up a bit and make it the best short it can be.

Oh by the way, the new re-formatted version is up. Thanks again.

Read the formatted version...

I like the idea a lot, I really do, as well as the tone.  It has a nice simple approach to a ludicrous premise, which actually makes it a lot funnier I think.

-Is Eden necessary?  He doesn't really do too much.
-Some of the messy/body function humour goes a little overboard, I'd say, especially in the description.  For instance the "shot a load off" gag in the description might put some people off.
-I liked how Kev was just standing outside scratching his ass when Kane looked out the window.

Anyway, I don't have too much to pick on this one for.  It had a great feeling to it and the dialogue was consistently funny.  Good job!

Heretic,

I'm going to rewrite this one soon and I'll be losing the second phone call scene with Eden. Your comment about the messy/body function humor was an interesting one, you're the first person to mention it, but I'll consider toning it down in the next draft.

Thanks for your comments.

Just to clarify things, it didn't bother me at all.  I enjoy that kind of stuff.

I just thought it might put off some people.  Depends who your audience is, I suppose.

Spoilers


What would happen if he clicked on say the picture of two different people in one picture or something crazy like a glass dildo?

You could have taken the friendship with Eden and made it more relevant to the plot, maybe have him come over but for some reason Kane is himself again. Unexplained phenomenon but effective to show how a friend supports the other in his time of oddness.

Somebody had the balls to tell me where to go... finally even if it is in a screenplay. Blatant and too the point.

I enjoyed the screenplay for the most part; I didn't understand his choices for people to become, as it seems that different people would make for more comedy and or effect.

Osama was necessary I understand that but the other choices were just random and a few were somewhat pointless. (I did see the Osama finale coming, thinking back to your pm and Osama being the most wanted it came together as it was unraveling which may or may not be a good thing. You decide.)

Still an entertaining short, more of the stuff I like to read and less of the boo I'm scary for some reason.

Wes,

Your comment about what would happen if he clicked on a photo with two people in it, is an interesting one, I was actually thinking about that today. I guess he’d click on it and turn into a Siamese twin, freak out and quickly change it back; I think I’ll put that in the next draft.

As for your appearance, I didn’t want to tell you about it before hand; it would have spoilt the surprise.

I hear what you’re saying about some of the character selections though, Val Kilmer and Takeshi Kitano were pretty irrelevant, I think I was just being a bit self indulgent and putting in some of my favorite actors. However, I was happy with Osama, Quentin and Dakota; I think they’re the right people for the story.

Like you, other people have told me I need to work on the Eden character, I will definitely do that. I'm also thinking about introducing a love interest who is in the same predicament, but that would probably be better suited to the feature length version.

Thanks for the feedback.

I was suggesting what to do with Eden as I read the other comments, I don't actually have a problem with Eden because minor characters aren't central to the plot especially in a character piece.

The major flaw with the idea is if he were to use an inanimate object as his sig as certain people do it would end the script because he wouldn't exist.

If you're going to use a lot of irrelevant celebrity characters, use a lot more. The ones you have were effective (Pointless as well) but if you would have had him going crazy changing from person to person it would make those certain characters work more.

One thing I also thought was what if he used a cartoon character? Would he become that animated character or would he simply not exist?

Wes,

I’ve thought about what would happen if he changed himself into an inanimate object. I guess if he managed to change out of being Osama, I could visit that situation. Perhaps he could change himself into an inanimate object and that would be the end of the story, or a friend could walk into the room and change his avatar back into a person. He could reappear with some bizarre story about what it’s like to experience reality as an inanimate object.  

As for the question of him being a cartoon character, perhaps he could inhabit the world of the character, like the people who go to cartoon land in the Twilight Zone movie. I could just see him popping up on Eden's TV as Homer Simpson, asking Eden to whip over to his place and change his avatar back to a person.

I suppose when you have someone who can change themself into anyone there are a lot of options. I don’t mind experimenting with it, as long as it doesn’t throw the structure of the story out. But with a concept like this I know I should let my imagination off the leash and really go for it.

  

Hey guys,

This is the second draft of 'Man of a Thousand Masks'. I've taken on a few of the suggestions from the first draft reviews and I've made a few other minor changes.

So thanks to everybody who reviewed my first draft and a big thanks to Kevan for proof reading this latest draft for me.

No worries Pia. I know what it's like. When did life become so busy?

Christopher,

Nice intro to your work.
I liked this one, funny and a very clever idea.

I think your description of Marty is nice but perhaps a tad long. Ditto that for Kev as well, we don’t really need to know what kind of T-shirt he’s wearing. Those descriptions goes on for five lines for each of those two characters.

You also describe the items Kev is carrying as remnants from the party last night. It’s fine to mention the items, but how do you film that they are from last night? It’s not necessary anyway since Marty mentions the party last night in his dialogue shortly there after.

On page 2, you put (interrupted) in the dialogue, I think it’s just ok to put - - there instead.

On page 3,  I was wondering who Kane was.

I wasn’t too crazy about A’nold’s line, seemed flat somehow.

Other than that I really enjoyed it. Very clever indeed.

Quoted from tomson On page 3,  I was wondering who Kane was.

Ha, I was wondering what happened to Tomson and who the hell Pia was, now I know.

Yeah, that Kane bit was a mistake; in the first draft Marty's name was Kane, when I changed it to Marty for the second draft, I missed changing that one. But I've fixed it and re-submitted the script to Don. I didn't pick it up when I proof read it and either did Kevan, but as soon as it was posted on the SS board the mistake stood out like dogs' balls on a budgie, weird isn't it?

Anyway, thanks for your comments, I've pretty much finished with this and now I'm focusing on my next script.