Thanks for the read, Tyler. I do agree the begining should be more humorous. Al isn't meant to be humorous and I don't think he should be. Part of what's funny about this is Al's reactions to what happens to him as he's such a straight arrow. I think the other characters should be funnier though. They're the ones organizing the surprise after all so their sense of humor is certainly a little out there.

I think I'll be rewriting this before too long now that it's been bumped. I got another script that should be up very soon so I'll be occupied with that for some time but I still hope to work on this one some more.

Thanks again. I'm reading Love Bites write now. I'll try to have a review up by the end of the week.

I’m glad this one got bumped.  I meant to read it but forgot all about it.  That happens sometimes.

[SPOILERS]

*  A minor format doohickey on page 6.  You go right from the INT. AMBULANCE slug into Al’s dialogue.  I seem to recall that you are not supposed to do that.  I don’t, anyway, and it just “looks” wrong, you know?  Even a little description – “Al turns to Jeff” -- would be enough to split things up.
*  What is with Willie?  Dressed in plastic wrap and goggles?  What the heck is that all about?  A detail that odd should pay off later, and this one does not.
*  I really like how, on page 12, the title comes into play so smoothly.
*  It seems out of character for Al to agree to this.  Perhaps there is some other way to move this trio into the warehouse.  Maybe they say they are going to do it anyway and Al races after them to stop them.

I really like the central idea to this story, but the end strikes me as somewhat out of place.  Jeff leaves the docks assuming Al will be shot – then shows up at the hospital with cake and booze?  And says nothing about what happened at the docks?  Not a “You’re alive?” or anything?

I like this story very much right up to the very end.  But honestly, I think this story ends just about as wrong as it can.  Am I missing a joke somewhere?  Otherwise, I would say keep the tone dark.  Confetti and stuff does not fit the mood I was getting from this.

Hi, Jimmy.

I read Trendsetter last night and I thought it was pretty good.

I enjoyed the first twist of the story. Having the two guys say that no one had been shot yet, created a lot of suspense.

I also thought it was trippy how Travis wanted to be shot and as bizarre as it seems, I could actually accept that some body art freak might want to have that done.

I thought your formatting was spot on and the dialogue was great.

However, I was a little disappointed with the ending. Whilst I was reading the story I was expecting some sort of big twist at the end, but it kind of went out with a pop rather than a bang.

Perhaps the whole thing could have been a practical joke, that Al's co-workers played on him to get him out of the hospital and when he returned the retirement party could have been waiting for him.

But all in all, it was a good story which was very well executed.

Are you planning to re-write this or are you going to leave it as is?

Thanks for the read, Chris.

There's been a lot of confusion regarding the ending so I've officially decided that Al's coworkers are indeed in on the whole thing. They use Travis' needs to get Al away from the hospital while they prepare his retirement party. I'm also going to have Travis show up at the end to deliver his line already stitched up.

To answer your question, yeah, I think I'm going to rewrite this at some point next month.

Thanks again.

Quoted from James McClung Thanks for the read, Chris.

So what am I?  Chopped liver?

Sorry buddy. Where are my manners?

Anyway, everyone's complaining about the ending so I'm revising the story so it makes more sense. Basically (as I've mentioned in previous posts), Al's coworkers got these two guys to distract Al while they prepare the party. Jeff is sent along for the sake of looking more convincing.

Also, Willie's dressed the way he is so he doesn't get any blood on him. Just thought it added a nice effect.

Anyway, I'll probably be revising this at some point next month.

Thanks for the read, Bert.