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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  In Only Seven Days Moderators: bert
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  Author    In Only Seven Days  (currently 5349 views)
MacDuff
Posted: August 17th, 2006, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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I must admit - I have thoughts to expand this into a feature length project.

You've got my brain ticking away Abe.

Thanks!


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GM
Posted: August 17th, 2006, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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The story was quite sad but very romantic. I also enjoyed the format style in telling the story, most appropriate.

After reading most of the comments here, I can't quite comment much in that aspect either. Except for that I think you should make this a feature length film as you mentioned on the last post.

Most of the scenes where you cut does not seem fully fleshed out or transition properly. You can probably do a day, evening, and night scene for each day to make the transitions better and flesh out the story more. I appologize for this short review but Most what I was going to say would have been repetive to the others.

Gabriel  
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Abe from LA
Posted: August 18th, 2006, 12:53am Report to Moderator
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Quite frankly, Stewart, I love your characters.
Well, I love Kasia.  Fell in love with her at some point.
Weird.

There is something about her... perhaps the idea that she has this dream which even at the end of existence, still has such special meaning to her.  That she would spend her last days on earth to searching for this home with the white picket fence -- if Thomas had not been there.

And she is so forthcoming, so strong in her own way.
A romantic quality.
That's why I like that she is not a wallflower Betsy Blair type (from Marty), but an attractive woman.
It means that she could be with maybe any guy, but instead she holds out hope of meeting somebody special.

I definitely can see her being attracted to an average Joe, if he pushes the right buttons.
And I think Thomas does push those buttons.

I think Kasia can and will bring Thomas into a new world, so to speak.
She will help him realize all the possibilities.
The 7-day time factor just adds to the romantic quality.
Like star-crossed lovers.
That's a wonderful hook.

We guys should all be so lucky.
The romance coupled with all this doom and gloom is mouth-watering.

Yeah, I think it can only get so much better as a feature.
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Abe from LA
Posted: August 18th, 2006, 1:11am Report to Moderator
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Oh yeah, not to belabor a point, Stewart, but another reason I like Kasia is that when she shoots Greasy Guy, she doesn't do it out of rage or revenge.  She does the deed because it must be done.  For survival.  Very cool about it.  Emotions don't get in the way.  

Here is a terrific contrast of how one person takes action versus another who seems to be putting too much thought into taking action (Thomas' case).

Kasia wonders about the consequences of shooting Greaseball later in the story, so she's not cold-hearted.

I think that how Kasia has survived here, away from her homeland.  She would never contemplate suicide.  She takes care of herself and she takes care of business.  A very interesting study, I must say.
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MacDuff
Posted: August 18th, 2006, 1:45am Report to Moderator
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MAJOR SPOILERS...

Thanks again Abe.

I've been contemplating expanding the idea into a feature, but I worry about losing the strength of the characters while expanding the story.

My other worry is about the structure. If I expand the idea, can I work it in reverse? It would make it a little more difficult, but maybe possible.

I really dig the idea of Greaseball being Kasia's husband, and I've thought about a reason why they are together and why Kasia made it from Poland to the US (mail order bride maybe?).

It could be a great little story about two people falling in love in the shadow of ultimate doom, but again - will it work backwards. That's the question.

The other idea I had is giving them a goal, something that the audience would expect would make a happy ending (maybe they are journeying to an underground shelter), but in the end realize they won't make it - and decide to spend the last couple of days together, in each other's arms. But again, would this work backwards (notice my worry).

I must admit, this idea and story came rather quickly to me - it was written in one night (though a week or so with revisions and re-reads). I never thought I'd be contemplating expanding the idea and project. I must give thanks to you for the little push. I usually only dabble in horror (to date, all my features are horror), but maybe it will be liberating to write something meaningful (in dramatic terms).

To my notes I go!

I'd love to hear what you think.

Stew


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Abe from LA
Posted: August 18th, 2006, 2:00am Report to Moderator
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You're concerns about whether the backward telling of the story will work.
I can't say for sure it would.
But it is worth a try.
I have enough faith in these two characters that the story will work in one fashion or another.

The goal of perhaps journeying to a shelter is legit and would add to a larger story.
I agree that they shouldn't make it to this shelter, but instead find refuge elsewhere.
Maybe the shelter is destroyed when they reach it.
Maybe the perils of venturing out in the open is too dangerous.
Maybe there will be bands of outlaws on the prowl.  Heck, there will definitely be gangs out roaming.
And perhaps rogue killers, too.

Or maybe that won't be able to reach the shelter because one of them gets hurt or sick.

But the having that goal is good.

The question is, again, will these good ideas work starting from the end and working backward.
Hmm...  you'll have to try it going forward too.
But as I say, I'm pretty certain the story line and these two lost souls will make this story work.

After all they go through, it will be so rich and satisfying for them to find there last hours, minutes in each other's arms.  Maybe that realization won't hit them until very late in the story.
An emotional journey is a great catalyst for people to fall in love.

Another thought, when you expand this, maybe Thomas and Kasia shouldn't start from a point of mutual interest in each other.  Maybe that love would be more satisfying if it comes about naturally through getting to know each other and depend on one another in a dangerous world.

Changes will have to be made, I'm beginning to see... how much change, will be determined once you expand and delve into the story and the characters.

I was thinking of the mail-order bride thing myself.  that would be very cool.  Because it adds interest to kasia's back story.  It says something about her character and how much she wants to live this dream life.
Go with it.
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Abe from LA
Posted: August 18th, 2006, 2:04am Report to Moderator
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yeah, I think the two lovers meeting in the face of destruction is so cool.
Like lovers against a backdrop of war.
We need a good story like that.  Plus you'll have all those scenes of action.
Journeying to a place of hope, across a deadly terrain.

Only for Thomas and Kasia to realize that all they really have is each other.
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Abe from LA
Posted: August 18th, 2006, 4:09am Report to Moderator
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Okay, I took my midnight walk.
My head is a little clearer.

Ask yourself this, Stew, why is a story told backwards so compelling?
We know the outcome without the conventional buildup.
Maybe it's our curiosity to solve the mystery.

Spoilers.

Day 7, or maybe even on Day 6, there should be something more compelling that threatens Kasia and Thomas, other than asteroid.
Haha.  Well, think about it.  Dual threats.  
Maybe the "other" is of a more personal nature.

I have some thoughts on this.
But I'd like to know what you have in mind.

Thomas and Kasia share more than just a new love.
Each gives the other something special.  Call it a gift.
And these gifts are what frames your story from end to beginning.
As well as giving each character their fulfilled arc.
Again, I'll give you my thoughts on this later.

You might also think about dropping this discussion into the WIP sections to get other writers' feedback.
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Death Monkey
Posted: August 18th, 2006, 4:47am Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one. It reminded me of the Canadian film "Last Night" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0156729/) where the world is ending (for reasons not explained) and they focus on a number of people's last day on Earth. It's directed by Don Mckellar and has Sandra Oh, Sarah Polley and David Cronenberg in the cast.

It was a great decision to tell the story backwards, but I feel maybe you could cut some of the dialogue, just to enhance the state og isolation and loneliness. All the people are gone and so are the words, something like that.

It would add to the poetic nature of your script.

But I really enjoyed this one.


"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."

The Mute (short)
The Pool (short)
Tall Tales (short)
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MacDuff
Posted: August 18th, 2006, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for everyone's comments. Keep them coming. The funny thing is, of all the shorts I've written, this was the least liked (by my critical self), but it seems to gaining some momentum.

I'm going to sit down the next couple of days and jot some ideas down. My main goals are to see if the structure would work full length and also, make sure nothing is taken away from the relationship - which is the core of the story.

Stew


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Abe from LA
Posted: August 18th, 2006, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MacDuff
The funny thing is, of all the shorts I've written, this was the least liked (by my critical self)


You've got other shorts sitting around? Posted on SS?

Anyway, good idea to take a few days or so to mull this thing over.

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MacDuff
Posted: August 18th, 2006, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah. Check out "Rest In Peace" and "Looking Down From Above". I really dig RIP, and I enjoy Looking Down From Above, but it's a bit dated now.

I also have 2 others - "Father" and "Addiction". Those are early, early work. Very rough and not up to my standards. I'll be removing them from SS as soon as I email Don, so don't worry about those ones.


Stew


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Takeshi
Posted: August 24th, 2006, 5:48am Report to Moderator
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Interesting story, MacDuff.

SPOILERS

I agree with what the others have said about the asteroid premise being a fairly stale one, but by chopping up the chronological order of events, you managed to make it an intriguing tale. And it doesnít really matter how the world ends, because the seven days preceding it, is what this story is all about.  

  I didnít guess the ending at all and the story had a really trippy vibe to it, which I liked. The final scene with everybody gathered around the TV for the UN announcement was creepy and I thought the service station scene was a good action scene to throw in there too.

However, like Abe, I found Thomasís line about stealing apples a little confusing, as I wasnít sure whose yard he was referring to.

But overall I thought this was pretty good.
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MacDuff
Posted: August 24th, 2006, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Chris. Yeah, I'm going to tweak those two minor errors.

I'm also contemplating expanding this into a feature, but still working on the ideas for it to see if it will pan out.

Thanks for reading!


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James McClung
Posted: August 24th, 2006, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS...

This was an excellent read. I really liked the backwards storytelling ala Memento/Irreversible. I think it made the story much more engaging as many questions arose that were subsequently answered in scenes preceeding them. I thought it also gave a nice twist to the "disaster movie." The personalized nature of the story also put a good spin on the subgenre.

Not much to fuss about here except on page 8, Kasia says "That is your parents?" I understand she's Polish but I don't think the line should be phrased this way. It's too bizarre. Also, on page 11, Thomas says "I have a gun and I'm not afraid to use it" twice. Have him say it once. It doesn't work twice. It sounds corny, awkward, and, ultimately, redundant.

Finally, I didn't really understand the significance of Day 2. All the other days answered at least one question of the day after it (uh. before it, I think you know what I mean) but this one didn't. It did offer some incite on Thomas' character but I think it needs more.

All in all, solid short. Good job, Stew.


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