Well, Newton's Cradle does sound good and has a very catchy "mainstream-ish" title. I haven't gotten around to checking it out, but I have high expectations.

--Julio

Quoted from ReaperCreeper Well, Newton's Cradle does sound good and has a very catchy "mainstream-ish" title. I haven't gotten around to checking it out, but I have high expectations. --Julio

Thanks, and I promise you wont be let down.

Hey JD, got one for ya.

SPOILERISMS...................................................................................................................................................................

Those pose together seems oddly worded to me. How bout they instead.

pg 1 - TERRI (21) "AN" average girl - instead of "a average"

Johna - does this name have a deeper meaning for you? You seem to use it a lot. - same paragraph - also sit(S) as well.

pg 1 - Brandon continue(S)

pg 2 - Terri and Johna makes faces at her - should be MAKE

pg 2 - With out is one word.

You don't need apostrophes after wanna, I'ma, or gonna.

"SERVER", maybe Waiter would be more appropriate.

pg 2 - putting just "k?" seems odd to me. " 'kay" might be better.

You have several "is's" and "ings" throughout. Brandon is watching tv. Brandon is working on the computer. etc. There's a bunch.

pg 3 - Katie - "That was the dumbest I have movie ever seen.

Good call on Brandon's part, Beerfest is pretty stupid. Oddly it's better though when you're drunk and can't remember anything about it. Coincidence?

pg 8 - BRANDON - I'm at you(R) door.

finding a flat head screw driver seems a little convenient. I think if he brought one, with this in mind, would add a more creepy suspenseful factor.

top pg 10 - put "Brandon's cell phone rings, instead of just cell phone rings.

I think you should build up more of a reason for Brandon to think that she's cheating on him. I know you did, but you didn't really manifest it until the lesbian angle, before that it could be that Brandon's just feling neglected. Maybe she's hanging out with an ex boyfriend or a guy he don't like at the restaraunt or something. Or maybe she's cheated on him before one night when she got really drunk, because you also didn't really do much with the alcohol angle either, so that would give that a little more relevance as well. It just seems like he snaps too quickly into thinking she's cheating on him.

The ending I also didn't much care for. It's interesting, but just confusing. He killed himself? I think he probably would've killed her too at least. Personally, I think the jail stuff works great, and the way I'd do it, is just start it from him at his computer at the beginning, and have his last voice over on the last page echo through his head before he recieves the call. Then just end itwith the gaurd saying "you ready" and then fade out.

But I just want to say that I loved the cut with Brandon loading the gun, and the gaurd's voice over. good stuff. I just think you should go right from the jail stuff to the end. I think that's be a better ending. But yeah, this was pretty decent actually. I usually don't fancy shorts too much but I think you did a good job at pushing the story along and the situations and characters were interesting and it flowed nicely.

Quoted from Steve-Dave But I just want to say that I loved the cut with Brandon loading the gun, and the gaurd's voice over. good stuff. I just think you should go right from the jail stuff to the end. I think that's be a better ending. But yeah, this was pretty decent actually. I usually don't fancy shorts too much but I think you did a good job at pushing the story along and the situations and characters were interesting and it flowed nicely.

Thanks for the read and pointing out errors. I would comment more on this short, but I really have no desire to alter it anytime soon.

on the real side of this story, this really happen to me. I believe it was a guy and she claims a girls... its all tru up until break at the apt. and of course the jail hehe