Reality Decisions by JD Davis - Short - Real life drama happens. This is just another untold story of love gone astray. 10 pages - pdf, format

Hey, Im the author, just looking for good feedback

This was pretty decent, although I'm not sure why there was a scene with Katie entering her apartment when what takes place suggests that she was never there.  Did she end up going back?  Was this just in Brandon's head?

This is definitely one of those scripts that overstates the dramatic, in this case he freaks out in a way that most people don't, especially when you consider that he's a relatively normal guy, but it works I guess.

Do you always leave you cover pages empty?

This was a good script, and good length. I think if your going to use 'not going to the movies' as the fateful decision, you should have more about it. Katie only pleads for him to go once, i think she should carry on about it.

Sup neighbor?

* SPOILERS *

* Brandon seemed kinda like...Well a crazed obsessive boyfriend. She doesn't call and he freaks out.  Maybe add a line with her saying that he's sick of him being jealous all the time or something.  

* A few typos, nothing major.

* I was lost at the end.  Was he dreaming?  

Overall a weird but decent read.    

Quoted from Shelton This was pretty decent, although I'm not sure why there was a scene with Katie entering her apartment when what takes place suggests that she was never there.  Did she end up going back?  Was this just in Brandon's head?

The whole thing is a metaphor.

It is a life after death experience. He sees what he wants to see to deal with his suicide.

Basically, this guy kills himelf. What we see is what he recreates. This is what he believes happens between him and her girl friend to deal with the fact he is going to hell for suicide.


Thanks for the read!

Quoted from Alex J. Cooper Do you always leave you cover pages empty? This was a good script, and good length. I think if your going to use 'not going to the movies' as the fateful decision, you should have more about it. Katie only pleads for him to go once, i think she should carry on about it.

Thanks for the read! I just saved from final draft and 4got to make the title page.

Good suggestion! Will do.

Quoted from darthbrion * I was lost at the end.  Was he dreaming?   Overall a weird but decent read.

lol my girl friend said the same thing. She got lost too. Maybe i just isnt forward enough.

Yes it is a dream per say. Its his life after death experience, to cope with the fact he killed himself at his girl friends house. What he thinks is how he interpets how it came to be.

Thanks for the read!

I got the ending after a little thinking. a smart and very decent script, i gotta say!

anyway some technical stuff:


"FADE IN" was on the wrong side of the page.

"Where are you at?" sounds unnatural. i'd write "Where you at?"

I'd actually prefer it if you used a fake movie title in stead of "Beerfest" which is a movie already made. But that's just me (you know what I'm talking about)

"Brandon is watching a tv" lol sounds like he's watching a tv and not actually watching anything on it.

"you lied about what you was doing" "were doing" is the right grammar.




"don't think I'm wied but i just had sex with a girl"

I  seriously laughed at that one. I'll tell you a little story about my own life. about three weeks ago i'm having a nap right? it's around 7 o'clock at night. i plan on getting up at around 10. i start getting sms messages from my girlfriend telling me to get my ass on msn cause she wants to talk to me! she does that a lot and i always come on but this time i want to put my foot down, i wanna sleep some more. so after about two or three messages of her nagging about it she gives up. and i sleep for a few hours. then i get up and get on the computer. naturally she's not online anymore, but i feel good about having said no and she had listened to me. some time later i get a few messages from her but i'll try to explain the all in a few sentences. basicly what she says is: "I'm in hell right now." "I think i'm turning into a lesbian." "I met this girl online and we got to talking and we had a lot in common and she was a leasbian too and really good looking and i ended up stripping for her on cam." when i asked if i should worry she said "yes". i couldn't help but realize that if i had gotten up and talked to her a few hours earlier that wouldn't have happened! she said so! So i called her.

"who would lie about having sex with a girl? who would make that up?" LOLOLOL

after she had gotten me really really really worried about our relationship she said that she was kidding and that she didn't strip for her, they just talked. i got a little annoyed but got over it fast because i was so happy she didn't do it. we're still together, three months and counting


and because of that and your very paranoid way of writing i really really enjoyed this one. except the ending could have been a little clearer though. all in all i liked it!

made me wanna read The Unholy Cry actually!

Thanks lol, I must admit, this actually happen to me by my girl friend ( which Im still with)

So its all VERY true until.The guy leaves to the house and kills himself blah blah.... I think was a guy kinda butshesays No was girl she worked with. Anywho..

I didnt want you to read this only becuz it was of my earlier work, that is filled with grammar errors and unactive writing.

Yea, one decision makes a different outcome... funny you are able to relate it to.

I glad you got the ending, its a thinker. Unholy is my finest work and one of most read action scripts here.

Thanks!

Also My fade in is done by Final draft and it is correct.. I have had couple consultants read my work and and never said my format was off anywhere. So hopefully

I enjoyed reading this script, JD, though I found the dialogue to be artificial and forced at times.  The openin line was like that.  It just didn't seem natural to me.

The metaphor didn't work for me either.  I thought he killed her from what I read.  You have to better explain what really happened.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I enjoyed reading this script, JD, though I found the dialogue to be artificial and forced at times.  The openin line was like that.  It just didn't seem natural to me. The metaphor didn't work for me either.  I thought he killed her from what I read.  You have to better explain what really happened. Phil

Hey thanks for the read phil, I understand where are coming from, I could make this much better with the knowledge I have learn for writing over the several months, but I been focused on my main feature.

The "real" dialog came to be after he cell, thru to the drive to katie's. All that was word for word lol

Hey JD, I got to page 3 and I had to stop reading. Maybe it's because it's fucking 4:00 a.m and I haven't had any sleep, I dunno, but some of your descriptions are way too...simple, yet overly long at the same time. There are numerous typos as well. Some of the dialogue doesn't make sense at times either and I have to agree with Dogglebe where he said it sounds forced.

Still, I can't have an opinion on a script that I haven't finished reading, so I'll finish it up later, after I get some damn sleep.

--Julio.

Well, I'm done. Looking past all the typos, the story was well developed, although a little too smart and metaphorical for its own sake. I think if this would be filmed, some audiences would walk away unsatisfied, thinking "what the hell did I just watch?". Overall it wasn't that bad, the dialogue was a bit shaky on a lot of parts but as I kept reading it seemed a little more natural to me.

Still, this screenplay's more on the creepy/weird-as-hell side so that's a huge plus for me. I love these kind of stories. It's flawed and in need of proofreading, but alas an entertaining read.

--Julio.

Quoted from ReaperCreeper Well, I'm done. Looking past all the typos, the story was well developed, although a little too smart and metaphorical for its own sake. I think if this would be filmed, some audiences would walk away unsatisfied, thinking "what the hell did I just watch?". Overall it wasn't that bad, the dialogue was a bit shaky on a lot of parts but as I kept reading it seemed a little more natural to me. Still, this screenplay's more on the creepy/weird-as-hell side so that's a huge plus for me. I love these kind of stories. It's flawed and in need of proofreading, but alas an entertaining read. --Julio.

Hey thanks for the read. Yea i wrote this a long time ago and I never check it for replies.. At this point, it needs fixen (clearer/selling/grammar) but I havent done it.

My writing has progressed major since I wrote this. Hopefully my main feature Unholy Cry, will make the finals for sellascript.com , currently in semi finals. To prove, I can write and tell a story. Not saying that anyone said i couldn't, just to prove worth for a writer.

Well, Newton's Cradle does sound good and has a very catchy "mainstream-ish" title. I haven't gotten around to checking it out, but I have high expectations.

--Julio

Quoted from ReaperCreeper Well, Newton's Cradle does sound good and has a very catchy "mainstream-ish" title. I haven't gotten around to checking it out, but I have high expectations. --Julio

Thanks, and I promise you wont be let down.

Hey JD, got one for ya.

SPOILERISMS...................................................................................................................................................................

Those pose together seems oddly worded to me. How bout they instead.

pg 1 - TERRI (21) "AN" average girl - instead of "a average"

Johna - does this name have a deeper meaning for you? You seem to use it a lot. - same paragraph - also sit(S) as well.

pg 1 - Brandon continue(S)

pg 2 - Terri and Johna makes faces at her - should be MAKE

pg 2 - With out is one word.

You don't need apostrophes after wanna, I'ma, or gonna.

"SERVER", maybe Waiter would be more appropriate.

pg 2 - putting just "k?" seems odd to me. " 'kay" might be better.

You have several "is's" and "ings" throughout. Brandon is watching tv. Brandon is working on the computer. etc. There's a bunch.

pg 3 - Katie - "That was the dumbest I have movie ever seen.

Good call on Brandon's part, Beerfest is pretty stupid. Oddly it's better though when you're drunk and can't remember anything about it. Coincidence?

pg 8 - BRANDON - I'm at you(R) door.

finding a flat head screw driver seems a little convenient. I think if he brought one, with this in mind, would add a more creepy suspenseful factor.

top pg 10 - put "Brandon's cell phone rings, instead of just cell phone rings.

I think you should build up more of a reason for Brandon to think that she's cheating on him. I know you did, but you didn't really manifest it until the lesbian angle, before that it could be that Brandon's just feling neglected. Maybe she's hanging out with an ex boyfriend or a guy he don't like at the restaraunt or something. Or maybe she's cheated on him before one night when she got really drunk, because you also didn't really do much with the alcohol angle either, so that would give that a little more relevance as well. It just seems like he snaps too quickly into thinking she's cheating on him.

The ending I also didn't much care for. It's interesting, but just confusing. He killed himself? I think he probably would've killed her too at least. Personally, I think the jail stuff works great, and the way I'd do it, is just start it from him at his computer at the beginning, and have his last voice over on the last page echo through his head before he recieves the call. Then just end itwith the gaurd saying "you ready" and then fade out.

But I just want to say that I loved the cut with Brandon loading the gun, and the gaurd's voice over. good stuff. I just think you should go right from the jail stuff to the end. I think that's be a better ending. But yeah, this was pretty decent actually. I usually don't fancy shorts too much but I think you did a good job at pushing the story along and the situations and characters were interesting and it flowed nicely.

Quoted from Steve-Dave But I just want to say that I loved the cut with Brandon loading the gun, and the gaurd's voice over. good stuff. I just think you should go right from the jail stuff to the end. I think that's be a better ending. But yeah, this was pretty decent actually. I usually don't fancy shorts too much but I think you did a good job at pushing the story along and the situations and characters were interesting and it flowed nicely.

Thanks for the read and pointing out errors. I would comment more on this short, but I really have no desire to alter it anytime soon.

on the real side of this story, this really happen to me. I believe it was a guy and she claims a girls... its all tru up until break at the apt. and of course the jail hehe