haha thanks seth.

i was definetly shooting for the fences with this script. call it an experiment if you will in coloring outside the lines.

i think you got what i was going for. i wanted to leave some interpretation open for the viewers to decide....and not just spell everything out. her encounters and visions in the forest definetly play a role into the direction Cordelia has taken in her life.

dialogue is a weak spot for me.... i'll try and polish it up a bit in the rewrite.

i think you are right - this story needs a few more pages to breath and more room for character develpment.

these reviews have been great... just reading what you guys are writing and me talking it out is helping me fill in some of the blanks for this story.

I decided to give this a read as I also have a 'goth Alice in Wonderland' script of my own on the boards.

I didn't think the story was hard to follow.  On the other hand, I wasn't very impressed with the story.  Cordelia meets one character.  She moves on.  She meets another character.  She moves on.  She meets another character.  She moves on.  The story didn't build; it didn't go anywhere.

I thought the way you set Cordelia up was kind of funny (I don't know if that was your intent).  You introduce her as a very serious goth, only to turn her into a little kid when Mom shows up.

Jake is probably the creepiest character I've read here in a while.  You would do well to develope him a little more and use him again in the story.


Phil

hey phil thanks for the read..

im surprised. i expected a much harsher review from you considering what james had to say. haha.

yes that was my intent with Cordelia. shes like most teenage goth girls - shes playing a role.

she's 16...and basically still a kid. she's going through a phase...and has lost her way in life. in my mind - underneath the goth shes still a daddys girl. the forest and the things that happen to her...are sort of symbolic of it all.

im reworking the story as we speak. i'll take your advice and figure out a way to use Jake later... maybe after she escapes the cemetary.

i'm curious how your "Goth Alice" story ended up? whats it called?

Everybody reviews things differently.  My main concern with this script was the story not building.

My goth-Alice story is Dreams in Dust and Marble.  It's in post production right now.  Some production shots can be found in the thread.


Phil

NICE! i'll check that one out after i finish Burn Out and return reads to Seth, James, and Gomez.

i just read slow...