Quoted from Mr.Z Reading this was as good as watching Argentina beating England in a soccer match

A little off topic but, you must have a good memory.

Anyway here's my review.  I only read the first review from...bert I think and decided to stop as I don't want to be influenced and jump on any bandwagon.  So here's what I think.

This reminded me of the Resident Evil game, the original.  By this I mean the parts when documents were discovered and read to infrom of the tests carried out.  I don't mean this as a bad thing cos I loved that game.

The V.O's excellent and it does sound like the beginning of something more.  If so i would defo want to read it, as I'm itching to know more.

The tone is perfect and the scene easy to imagine.  I really did enjoy this short, good stuff.  Despite it's short length, the suspense was good, starting without a clue of whats happening keeps the reader...well reading.

Really enjoyed this Martin, well done mate.

Wow, lots of reads already. Thanks everyone. I realise the VO is heavy on exposition. It was a real struggle to keep this down to 5 pages for the contest. If I ever expand this to feature length, I think I'll be removing the VO entirely.

Quoted from dogglebe I don't think that any medical center or lab would take a homeless guy for an experiment like this; they like healthy lab rats.

I was trying to imply that this "medical center" isn't entirely above board, which is why they recruit homeless people, the kind of people nobody will miss if they don't come back.

Quoted from dogglebe And from the voiceover, he seemed to be a lot more than a homeless guy.  He was smart, alert, calculating and a lot more than what a homeless person should be.

Plenty of smart. articulate people have ended up homeless but I see your point, and it's one that others have made so I'll make sure this aspect of his character is explained if I ever write the feature.

Quoted from dogglebe Stop stealing my characters!

Wait until you read my new mini-series, Benevolent Penguin.

Quoted from Martin I was trying to imply that this "medical center" isn't entirely above board, which is why they recruit homeless people, the kind of people nobody will miss if they don't come back.

But you'd still want healthy participants to study (even in illegal studies).  People eating out of garbage cans and sleeping on the street are generally not in the best of health.

Quoted from Martin Plenty of smart. articulate people have ended up homeless but I see your point, and it's one that others have made so I'll make sure this aspect of his character is explained if I ever write the feature.

That's true, but did you intend him to be so smart or articulate?  

Quoted from Martin Wait until you read my new mini-series, Benevolent Penguin.

Don't be a bitch.  If you're going to steal Bad Penguin:  The Series, the least you can do is review it first.


Phil

I like the twist at the end, but I have to agree with Phil that the V.O is inappropriate.

If you take it away and analyse what is left (ie the actual film) then it is quite flat and uninteresting.

I don't think that there is a single element in the V.O that could not be on screen.

Film is a visual medium and should be told visually.

The problem is easily corrected though and it is more than clear that you can actually write.

Cheers, Rick.

This script was good.  I liked it up till the cut to black/two shots thing. It leaves a reader a little confused.  

First, how, or why, would an unarmed Eddie force his way in after two crazies, withstand 3 shots at close range, and need to be hit with an axe if he was in the placebo group? "We didn't know that at the time, but when the killing started, the mutations... there was no doubt" implies A-wing started killing people. Maybe leave "killing" out and just use mutations.

Second, why would Cole decide to suicide if it seems like the effects of the drug are wearing off him (seeing Eddie as human)? And wouldn't Shannon have gone even more demented by now?

err, wait, I'm using logic on a mutant movie.  Nevermind.  It'd probably work.  Yay for gore!

It still was a good read.

Dethan
  

Hey Martin,

Great to be reading something from you again.  Always good to see something from one of "the core", and since I'm taking a small break after extending one of my own pieces (most likely to avoid starting an extension on another, lower quality piece), I just had to check this out.

Anyway, I enjoyed this quite a bit, but I do agree with the small part of a larger picture theory and I could definitely see you removing all of the V.O. and creating your story around that, working up to this script near the end.

I can see where you're coming from with the fear of being able to keep up the deception for an entire 90 pages, but what if....

POSSIBLE SPOILER

The drug had Cole seeing the people on placebo as the mutants, maybe you can elaborate on that more, like he sees glimpses of things and what not that screw around with his psyche.  I'm sure you're way ahead of me on this one, just thought I'd throw out a little something.

END POSSIBLE SPOILER

I wasn't too big on the homeless angle either, but I did forget that he was as i got more into the story.  I don't know if that would make an easy change for you down the line, or if I'm echoing Phil's statement that he's much too articulate.

Anyway, a good read.  My favorite part being the splatter hitting Shannon and her offering up no reaction whatsoever.  A simple line, but it vividly paints just how screwed up she is.

Nice work, and I can't wait to see what's next.

Hey Martin, this was a great script you had here.

It felt almost apocalyptic, like a zombie-feel to it.

SPOILERS

I haven't read the previous comments, so sorry if I repeated something others have said before me.

- There's a lot of voice-over here. I like that, and yet, there's no actual person-to-person dialogue in it. All there is is Cole's voice-overs and Shannon's haunting singing. But yet, I liked it.

- I'm not sure I understand the ending. Probably because I'm 16, I have no idea what a Psychotropic Compound is. I'm thinking maybe it's a room for those with psychological problems, and that is what caused his "hallucinations" to think that Eddie was a mutant. I dunno. And why was Shannon laughing? Did she have problems also? Or was she the one who caused him to kill Eddie?

But this was a great script and I really liked it. Your descriptions were great, and the voice-over dialogue was well-written.

Sean

Thanks for reading, guys.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Film is a visual medium and should be told visually.

I couldn't agree more and I can't argue with your criticism. I'm fairly certain now that this story is way too big for 5 pages, hence the abundance of VO. I considered using a montage to reduce the amount of VO but given that it's a five pager, I wanted to keep characters and locations to a minimum.

SPOILERS!!!!

Quoted from Zombie Sean I'm not sure I understand the ending. Probably because I'm 16, I have no idea what a Psychotropic Compound is. I'm thinking maybe it's a room for those with psychological problems, and that is what caused his "hallucinations" to think that Eddie was a mutant. I dunno. And why was Shannon laughing? Did she have problems also? Or was she the one who caused him to kill Eddie?

Psychotropic Compound is the drug they were given, it basically means a compound of psychotropic drugs. I wasn't 100% clear on the terminology myself but I did a little research and that's what I came up with. Bert didn't call me on it, so I guess it'll fly.

To clear up the story with MORE SPOILERS for anyone who was confused:

Cole and Shannon believed they were taking the placebo (a dummy drug) and that they were part of the control group. At the end we realize that they were in fact taking a compound of psychotropic drugs. There were no mutants, the mutantions were a figment of their collective psychosis brought about by the drugs. The idea is that these people were kept segregated from the other group for weeks while they were given mind-altering drugs and subjected to a series of psychiatric tests. Ultimately, they become convinced that they are in the control group and that the other group have mutated as a result of the drugs. Their collective paranoia causes them to riot and that's when the killing begins. I see Cole as the ringleader who convinces the rest of the group that the others have mutated, so much so that they start to see it too.

As for Cole's suicide. He realizes at the end that he has killed several innocent people as a result of his psychosis. Not only that, he's coerced Shannon into killing innocents too. Regardless of whether the drugs are wearing off, would you want to live with that?

I realize that a lot of the above isn't covered in these five pages, these are just the ideas that were floating around in my head when I wrote this.

As for why Eddie would burst into the room, I'll admit that's a flaw, and the kind of flaw that will throw up all kinds of problems in the feature which is why I'm not pursuing it until I have a clearer idea of the story.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and I hope the explanation helps.

I really want to see a feature out of this, even if it might prove difficult with suspending the deception.

But one thing though. I think the entire suicide thing is sort of a cop-out if you do decide to go feature with this thing. Yes, they've done terrible things, but Cole killing Shannon does not sit well with me, because he decides for her that she doesn't want to live. I know it's supposed to be a sort of mercy-killing but why give them the redemption of suicide? Wouldn't it be far more horrific for them to actually drift into madness (or at least Cole) after realizing what they'd done? Embrace what they've become - murderers - and accept their madness?

Just a thought.

It is impressive how much drama and detail can fit into 5 pages and this is a good example of that.

I did understand the twist at the end - and it was a nice one - although I'll have to admit that I had to reread it a few times to be sure.  I think this would have been more effective if you could somehow work in a scene where we actually get to see the patients being split off into the two groups.  

If you make this (the experiment) more the focus of the script, the payoff will be all the more effective, I think.  As is, it sort of had the feeling of coming out of the blue.  Don't get me wrong, the violent aftermath stuff is fun but in terms of story it is mostly exposition.  

Overall the story was well written, had nice flow and never dragged.

Thanks mgj. Glad you enjoyed it.

The more I think about the feature, the more I'm leaning towards holding back on the violent elements and dealing more with the psychological aspect. I'd like to explore the characters as their perception of the others changes over time. I think the paranoia and mistrust developing over time could give the story a nice edge, kind of like 'The Thing' where nobody knows who they can trust.

Quoted from Death Monkey But one thing though. I think the entire suicide thing is sort of a cop-out if you do decide to go feature with this thing. Yes, they've done terrible things, but Cole killing Shannon does not sit well with me, because he decides for her that she doesn't want to live. I know it's supposed to be a sort of mercy-killing but why give them the redemption of suicide? Wouldn't it be far more horrific for them to actually drift into madness (or at least Cole) after realizing what they'd done? Embrace what they've become - murderers - and accept their madness?

Interesting idea regarding the ending. In the first draft he didn't kill Shannon and we were left wondering whether he killed himself although it was strongly implied. A few readers suggested he should kill her so I thought I'd try it in this draft to see how it went over.

Quoted from Martin Thanks mgj. Glad you enjoyed it. The more I think about the feature, the more I'm leaning towards holding back on the violent elements and dealing more with the psychological aspect. I'd like to explore the characters as their perception of the others changes over time. I think the paranoia and mistrust developing over time could give the story a nice edge, kind of like 'The Thing' where nobody knows who they can trust. Interesting idea regarding the ending. In the first draft he didn't kill Shannon and we were left wondering whether he killed himself although it was strongly implied. A few readers suggested he should kill her so I thought I'd try it in this draft to see how it went over.

Now that you mention the Thing, I think there's a great way to end a film. Probably one of my favorite endings ever.

I must admit the more I think about it, the more I see a feature here. And I think you're right about the violence. Paranoia's the way to go.

Here's the problem I see, regarding keeping the deception going. In order for us to see 'the monsters' Cole sees, you pretty much have to stay with Cole the entire time and not introduce any other POVs to the reader, or at least be careful in doing so.

I also think you need to hint at his insanity throughout the story, so if one goes back and reads, there are clues that point in that direction.

scattershot ideas there...I gotta get to class...

I think this short is perfect the way it is. It reminded me a bit of The Suffering VGs. I loved the atmosphere. I didn't like the whole deformed mutants thing, though. The "monster" reminded me of Sloth from The Goonies. It felt hokey to me. I'd rather have some semi-normal psychopaths than mutants. The closest example I can give of that is The Jackal form 13 Ghosts (bad movie, I know).

I'm worried if this should turn into a feature. It just seems so good like it is now. But if you're planning on extending it, you should probably start with a bang and end with a bang. Never let go of the atmosphere you created in this script while turning it into a feature. I don't think a "quiet first half build-up" would work with this. It should start with a feeling of dread that will refuse to let the reader go even for a single minute.

I really think you should be very careful with this project. It's too good to go to waste.

Awesome script, man! 10/10


--Julio.  

Thanks, Gomez. Glad you liked it. I see your point about the mutants with bloated heads. I can see how that conjures up a strange mental image. I need some visually obvious deformation so the transition to normal Eddie doesn't go unnoticed.

Quoted from ReaperCreeper I'm worried if this should turn into a feature. It just seems so good like it is now. But if you're planning on extending it, you should probably start with a bang and end with a bang.

Start with a bang, end with an earthquake!

Yeah, you're right. The original idea was to start the story with a group of five or six survivors barricaded in a room amid the carnage, then let the story of how they got there develop through flashbacks. I'm not sure if this is the way I'll go just yet, but that was the original idea.

Thanks for reading.

Martin,

First off, congrats on the second place win with this.  

Second, I too would like to see a feature come out of this.

A suggestion... Instead of being homeless, maybe they all worked for the same firm, won some kind of trip from their boss who is the one making these pills, testing them without their knowledge... ?????

Anyway, another one of your finest.

Cindy