Placebo by Martin Lancaster - Short, Horror - In the wake of a clinical trial gone wrong, two members of the control group find themselves fighting for their lives. 6 pages - doc, format

There are a few authors around here that really stand out, and Martin is one of them.  I'll break hiatus for a short work from this guy.

Some of you guys around here -- gushing over some of the recent horror on these boards -- I won’t mention any names, but man, I sure wish Balt was still around -- well, you need to check this one out and see how it’s actually done.

The last time Martin posted a short like this, it eventually morphed into one hell of a feature.  I suspect that is also what we are seeing here.

I suspect that because there is surely more of this story to tell.  The dialogue is heavily laden with way too much exposition.  Necessary to the story, but it’s just too condensed.  The sing-song dialogue from Shannon strikes the perfect tone, however.

And I am not sure we would make the connection with the missing name having only heard his name once, at the outset.  I think Cole needs to verbalize this for us, desperately, “Cole Kinsella!  Where is it, dammit?!”, something like that, to help us grasp its ramifications.  Same thing with Shannon.  In fact, does he ever say her name out loud?

Good stuff, Martin.  It’s been a while.  Nice to see you’ve still got it.

What I think is amazing here is how quickly you draw the reader into the story, by using just one location, and a voice-over.

the voice-over is probably a bit too expositionary, but not much. And not to a point where I was bothered by it.

I'm not sure I got the ending, though?

SPOILERS

Was there no mutation then at all? Were they hallucinations? Was he Shannon's? She his?

Like Bert, I wanna know more.


This was probably one of the only under-10-page shorts I've thoroughly enjoyed in a long time. I still can't believe you crammed all that into 6 pages.

the only thing I didn't like was the aesthetics of the mutants. I kinda kept picturing Arnold in Total Recall when their heads get bloated and all.

But I'll read this again. And then perhaps again.

SPOILER AHEAD

Wow!  What another great short from Martin.  Full of twists and turns with an ending that still has my head spinning.

And like Bert said, you could really do a lot of good by expanding this.  You use so much V.O. to tell what is happening in the story....why not use the extra pages space to give us more of a back story and actually show us what is happening in the plot?

It also was very clever how you handled the ending.  When Cole began flipping through the folder, I knew immediatly that he wasn't going to find his name on the placebo list.  I kept thinking to myself, "this doesn't make sense.  Why would the guy Cole killed morph if he was taking the placebo?"  But when he saw that the dead man was normal (assuming the morphing hindered Cole's vision) that's when this script went from good to great.

Reading this was as good as watching Argentina beating England in a soccer match  

Good opening. You know how to start with a bang. And just when I thought the story was heading for the cliché survival situation with humans fighting zombies mutants... it comes an unexpected and clever twist which -as Jonathan already said- turned this script from good to great.

I've only got one little complaint. This starts really good with strong intriguing visuals (two characters covered in blood and carrying primitive guns escaping who knows what) while Cole’s narration tells us what’s going on here. But then, once Cole and Shannon lock themselves in this room, the visuals loose dramatic impact and become somehow irrelevant (i.e. “Cole runs a hand through thick, greasy hair”). These brief action lines may be useful to break up Cole’s narration in shorter and more readable blocks, but the thing is that Cole’s narration is left alone to carry the story (until the mutant appears). Not saying this is bad, but I think it could be better.

I wonder if you could introduce small visual glimpses of Cole’s narration and get out of the room for a while, until the mutant appears. It could be more interesting to watch a sinister doctor injecting a patient than watching Cole running a hand through his hair, you know.

Good job, man. Keep them coming.

This was a very good short! It sucked me in from the very beginning. The only complaints are largely minor. you forgot to capitolize Shannon's name when you introduced her and in the end you write-

...and we

CUT TO...

I was told never to refere to the veiwers as we or us. Overall a very entertaing short. Keep up the good work.
9 out of 10

Wow great short, one of the best shorts i have read on here, honestly my only real complaint is the fact that this is a short i wanted more, i felt like i walked in at the end of a really good movie and just caught the last scene.

But it does stand alone as a very solid short but i would love to read this story more fleshed out as a feature.

I re-read it and things sunk in better this time. Still, a really well-crafted short, with more suspense and intrigue than most features on this site.

Thinking about stretching this to a feature, it would be very difficult to keep the twist in the end. It could be done, but it would take some skill and creativity.

I think if done properly the twist would have far bigger affect if it was on a feature, i am a sucker for a twist ending so i think thats why i really liked this short and would like to see the suspense be built up even more with this story as a feature.

Thanks, everybody.

Quoted from Death Monkey Thinking about stretching this to a feature, it would be very difficult to keep the twist in the end. It could be done, but it would take some skill and creativity.

You hit the nail on the head, Death Monkey.

This is something I was planning as a feature. I have a fairly detailed outline that's expanding every day, but the biggest stumbling block is keeping the deception going for 90+ pages.

The feature idea was to have this set on an oil rig that's been converted into a medical research facility. As Pia says, I wrote the short version as a challenge on another website. It had to be 5 pages max, with considerable use of voice over, and I ended up with second place..

I kind of wrote this as a proof of concept for the feature (which might never materialize).  I have a lot on my plate at the moment but I'm still hoping to flesh this one out at some point.

Thanks for the feedback, guys.

Martin,
          amazing script. I had a gander because its past 1 am here and i was looking for a short read and i have to say you are an extremely good writer. The detail, the fluency, everything was spot on. The "Sunshine" song was very sinister, and was a very good paradox if that was what you were intending. Keep them coming.

Wow! This was certainly came out of nowhere. Good to see you writing again, Martin.

Anyway, I liked this one a lot. It was a real trip. With that said, I don't think I understood the full scope of what was going on. Cole's V.O. spelled out the backstory pretty much spot on... perhaps a little too much. I gather this was part of the guidelines of the challenge but still. It basically just filled in the blanks. I'm sure you're already aware of that though. With that said, had you had a little more breathing room with this one, I probably wouldn't let you off the hook. However one thing the V.O. wasn't able to explain was Shannon. I didn't understand what she had to do with the plot. The twist suggested she was a villain of some sort but I'm just not sure. It was all pretty confusing.

This has all the foundations to be stretched into a feature. Your writing's solid and you have an awesome concept. I just felt there were questions you couldn't answer well in the context of a short... and the V.O. was a little gratuitous. Anyway, good job, Martin. I hope you decide to expand upon this in the end. You seem to have given it some thought already. I'll keep an eye out just in case.

Hey Martin,

This is the first work that I believe I have ever read from you and I must congradulate on job well done. I never saw that coming. Can't wait till the feature. I only had aslight problem with the dialogue being that its a homeless person who speaks so intellectually. But it's the character that's speaking and I'm prob wrong in that aspect. So congrats on a fine script.

Gabe

Quoted from Martin Thanks, everybody. You hit the nail on the head, Death Monkey. This is something I was planning as a feature. I have a fairly detailed outline that's expanding every day, but the biggest stumbling block is keeping the deception going for 90+ pages.

Exactly. When dealing with a cool twist ending, one should be wary not to build the entire script around it, so the twist is the only thing jusifying the story. Then you start making your characters do irrational things just to set the audience up for a fall.

Or at least that is a major hazard, which is why I'm rarely completely satisfied with twist endings. They feel forced. Like Saw. Like Saw 2.

Or The Village.

But that's not to say you shouldn't try. You've clearly got the talent, so seeing if you can make it stick might be a great exercise.

Your idea about the oilrig sounds interesting too, and affords you lots a possibilities, by forcing your protagonists to stay in one place. With the drama.

Sorry, Martin, but I didn't like this piece.  I read this and I think, he scripted out the trailer for a feature length film.  That's all that this was, really.  A four page synopsis of a longer piece.

I had problems with Cole.  For starters, he's a homeless used in a medical experiment.  I don't think that any medical center or lab would take a homeless guy for an experiment like this; they like healthy lab rats.  That's what college kids are for.

I thought his voice over was completely inappropriate.  It just didn't belong here.  Shannon is with him.  He could be talking to her about everything that's happened (even if he was just talking aloud to himself).  And from the voiceover, he seemed to be a lot more than a homeless guy.  He was smart, alert, calculating and a lot more than what a homeless person should be.  Stop stealing my characters!  


Phil

Quoted from Mr.Z Reading this was as good as watching Argentina beating England in a soccer match

A little off topic but, you must have a good memory.

Anyway here's my review.  I only read the first review from...bert I think and decided to stop as I don't want to be influenced and jump on any bandwagon.  So here's what I think.

This reminded me of the Resident Evil game, the original.  By this I mean the parts when documents were discovered and read to infrom of the tests carried out.  I don't mean this as a bad thing cos I loved that game.

The V.O's excellent and it does sound like the beginning of something more.  If so i would defo want to read it, as I'm itching to know more.

The tone is perfect and the scene easy to imagine.  I really did enjoy this short, good stuff.  Despite it's short length, the suspense was good, starting without a clue of whats happening keeps the reader...well reading.

Really enjoyed this Martin, well done mate.

Wow, lots of reads already. Thanks everyone. I realise the VO is heavy on exposition. It was a real struggle to keep this down to 5 pages for the contest. If I ever expand this to feature length, I think I'll be removing the VO entirely.

Quoted from dogglebe I don't think that any medical center or lab would take a homeless guy for an experiment like this; they like healthy lab rats.

I was trying to imply that this "medical center" isn't entirely above board, which is why they recruit homeless people, the kind of people nobody will miss if they don't come back.

Quoted from dogglebe And from the voiceover, he seemed to be a lot more than a homeless guy.  He was smart, alert, calculating and a lot more than what a homeless person should be.

Plenty of smart. articulate people have ended up homeless but I see your point, and it's one that others have made so I'll make sure this aspect of his character is explained if I ever write the feature.

Quoted from dogglebe Stop stealing my characters!

Wait until you read my new mini-series, Benevolent Penguin.

Quoted from Martin I was trying to imply that this "medical center" isn't entirely above board, which is why they recruit homeless people, the kind of people nobody will miss if they don't come back.

But you'd still want healthy participants to study (even in illegal studies).  People eating out of garbage cans and sleeping on the street are generally not in the best of health.

Quoted from Martin Plenty of smart. articulate people have ended up homeless but I see your point, and it's one that others have made so I'll make sure this aspect of his character is explained if I ever write the feature.

That's true, but did you intend him to be so smart or articulate?  

Quoted from Martin Wait until you read my new mini-series, Benevolent Penguin.

Don't be a bitch.  If you're going to steal Bad Penguin:  The Series, the least you can do is review it first.


Phil

I like the twist at the end, but I have to agree with Phil that the V.O is inappropriate.

If you take it away and analyse what is left (ie the actual film) then it is quite flat and uninteresting.

I don't think that there is a single element in the V.O that could not be on screen.

Film is a visual medium and should be told visually.

The problem is easily corrected though and it is more than clear that you can actually write.

Cheers, Rick.

This script was good.  I liked it up till the cut to black/two shots thing. It leaves a reader a little confused.  

First, how, or why, would an unarmed Eddie force his way in after two crazies, withstand 3 shots at close range, and need to be hit with an axe if he was in the placebo group? "We didn't know that at the time, but when the killing started, the mutations... there was no doubt" implies A-wing started killing people. Maybe leave "killing" out and just use mutations.

Second, why would Cole decide to suicide if it seems like the effects of the drug are wearing off him (seeing Eddie as human)? And wouldn't Shannon have gone even more demented by now?

err, wait, I'm using logic on a mutant movie.  Nevermind.  It'd probably work.  Yay for gore!

It still was a good read.

Dethan
  

Hey Martin,

Great to be reading something from you again.  Always good to see something from one of "the core", and since I'm taking a small break after extending one of my own pieces (most likely to avoid starting an extension on another, lower quality piece), I just had to check this out.

Anyway, I enjoyed this quite a bit, but I do agree with the small part of a larger picture theory and I could definitely see you removing all of the V.O. and creating your story around that, working up to this script near the end.

I can see where you're coming from with the fear of being able to keep up the deception for an entire 90 pages, but what if....

POSSIBLE SPOILER

The drug had Cole seeing the people on placebo as the mutants, maybe you can elaborate on that more, like he sees glimpses of things and what not that screw around with his psyche.  I'm sure you're way ahead of me on this one, just thought I'd throw out a little something.

END POSSIBLE SPOILER

I wasn't too big on the homeless angle either, but I did forget that he was as i got more into the story.  I don't know if that would make an easy change for you down the line, or if I'm echoing Phil's statement that he's much too articulate.

Anyway, a good read.  My favorite part being the splatter hitting Shannon and her offering up no reaction whatsoever.  A simple line, but it vividly paints just how screwed up she is.

Nice work, and I can't wait to see what's next.

Hey Martin, this was a great script you had here.

It felt almost apocalyptic, like a zombie-feel to it.

SPOILERS

I haven't read the previous comments, so sorry if I repeated something others have said before me.

- There's a lot of voice-over here. I like that, and yet, there's no actual person-to-person dialogue in it. All there is is Cole's voice-overs and Shannon's haunting singing. But yet, I liked it.

- I'm not sure I understand the ending. Probably because I'm 16, I have no idea what a Psychotropic Compound is. I'm thinking maybe it's a room for those with psychological problems, and that is what caused his "hallucinations" to think that Eddie was a mutant. I dunno. And why was Shannon laughing? Did she have problems also? Or was she the one who caused him to kill Eddie?

But this was a great script and I really liked it. Your descriptions were great, and the voice-over dialogue was well-written.

Sean

Thanks for reading, guys.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Film is a visual medium and should be told visually.

I couldn't agree more and I can't argue with your criticism. I'm fairly certain now that this story is way too big for 5 pages, hence the abundance of VO. I considered using a montage to reduce the amount of VO but given that it's a five pager, I wanted to keep characters and locations to a minimum.

SPOILERS!!!!

Quoted from Zombie Sean I'm not sure I understand the ending. Probably because I'm 16, I have no idea what a Psychotropic Compound is. I'm thinking maybe it's a room for those with psychological problems, and that is what caused his "hallucinations" to think that Eddie was a mutant. I dunno. And why was Shannon laughing? Did she have problems also? Or was she the one who caused him to kill Eddie?

Psychotropic Compound is the drug they were given, it basically means a compound of psychotropic drugs. I wasn't 100% clear on the terminology myself but I did a little research and that's what I came up with. Bert didn't call me on it, so I guess it'll fly.

To clear up the story with MORE SPOILERS for anyone who was confused:

Cole and Shannon believed they were taking the placebo (a dummy drug) and that they were part of the control group. At the end we realize that they were in fact taking a compound of psychotropic drugs. There were no mutants, the mutantions were a figment of their collective psychosis brought about by the drugs. The idea is that these people were kept segregated from the other group for weeks while they were given mind-altering drugs and subjected to a series of psychiatric tests. Ultimately, they become convinced that they are in the control group and that the other group have mutated as a result of the drugs. Their collective paranoia causes them to riot and that's when the killing begins. I see Cole as the ringleader who convinces the rest of the group that the others have mutated, so much so that they start to see it too.

As for Cole's suicide. He realizes at the end that he has killed several innocent people as a result of his psychosis. Not only that, he's coerced Shannon into killing innocents too. Regardless of whether the drugs are wearing off, would you want to live with that?

I realize that a lot of the above isn't covered in these five pages, these are just the ideas that were floating around in my head when I wrote this.

As for why Eddie would burst into the room, I'll admit that's a flaw, and the kind of flaw that will throw up all kinds of problems in the feature which is why I'm not pursuing it until I have a clearer idea of the story.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and I hope the explanation helps.

I really want to see a feature out of this, even if it might prove difficult with suspending the deception.

But one thing though. I think the entire suicide thing is sort of a cop-out if you do decide to go feature with this thing. Yes, they've done terrible things, but Cole killing Shannon does not sit well with me, because he decides for her that she doesn't want to live. I know it's supposed to be a sort of mercy-killing but why give them the redemption of suicide? Wouldn't it be far more horrific for them to actually drift into madness (or at least Cole) after realizing what they'd done? Embrace what they've become - murderers - and accept their madness?

Just a thought.

It is impressive how much drama and detail can fit into 5 pages and this is a good example of that.

I did understand the twist at the end - and it was a nice one - although I'll have to admit that I had to reread it a few times to be sure.  I think this would have been more effective if you could somehow work in a scene where we actually get to see the patients being split off into the two groups.  

If you make this (the experiment) more the focus of the script, the payoff will be all the more effective, I think.  As is, it sort of had the feeling of coming out of the blue.  Don't get me wrong, the violent aftermath stuff is fun but in terms of story it is mostly exposition.  

Overall the story was well written, had nice flow and never dragged.

Thanks mgj. Glad you enjoyed it.

The more I think about the feature, the more I'm leaning towards holding back on the violent elements and dealing more with the psychological aspect. I'd like to explore the characters as their perception of the others changes over time. I think the paranoia and mistrust developing over time could give the story a nice edge, kind of like 'The Thing' where nobody knows who they can trust.

Quoted from Death Monkey But one thing though. I think the entire suicide thing is sort of a cop-out if you do decide to go feature with this thing. Yes, they've done terrible things, but Cole killing Shannon does not sit well with me, because he decides for her that she doesn't want to live. I know it's supposed to be a sort of mercy-killing but why give them the redemption of suicide? Wouldn't it be far more horrific for them to actually drift into madness (or at least Cole) after realizing what they'd done? Embrace what they've become - murderers - and accept their madness?

Interesting idea regarding the ending. In the first draft he didn't kill Shannon and we were left wondering whether he killed himself although it was strongly implied. A few readers suggested he should kill her so I thought I'd try it in this draft to see how it went over.

Quoted from Martin Thanks mgj. Glad you enjoyed it. The more I think about the feature, the more I'm leaning towards holding back on the violent elements and dealing more with the psychological aspect. I'd like to explore the characters as their perception of the others changes over time. I think the paranoia and mistrust developing over time could give the story a nice edge, kind of like 'The Thing' where nobody knows who they can trust. Interesting idea regarding the ending. In the first draft he didn't kill Shannon and we were left wondering whether he killed himself although it was strongly implied. A few readers suggested he should kill her so I thought I'd try it in this draft to see how it went over.

Now that you mention the Thing, I think there's a great way to end a film. Probably one of my favorite endings ever.

I must admit the more I think about it, the more I see a feature here. And I think you're right about the violence. Paranoia's the way to go.

Here's the problem I see, regarding keeping the deception going. In order for us to see 'the monsters' Cole sees, you pretty much have to stay with Cole the entire time and not introduce any other POVs to the reader, or at least be careful in doing so.

I also think you need to hint at his insanity throughout the story, so if one goes back and reads, there are clues that point in that direction.

scattershot ideas there...I gotta get to class...

I think this short is perfect the way it is. It reminded me a bit of The Suffering VGs. I loved the atmosphere. I didn't like the whole deformed mutants thing, though. The "monster" reminded me of Sloth from The Goonies. It felt hokey to me. I'd rather have some semi-normal psychopaths than mutants. The closest example I can give of that is The Jackal form 13 Ghosts (bad movie, I know).

I'm worried if this should turn into a feature. It just seems so good like it is now. But if you're planning on extending it, you should probably start with a bang and end with a bang. Never let go of the atmosphere you created in this script while turning it into a feature. I don't think a "quiet first half build-up" would work with this. It should start with a feeling of dread that will refuse to let the reader go even for a single minute.

I really think you should be very careful with this project. It's too good to go to waste.

Awesome script, man! 10/10


--Julio.  

Thanks, Gomez. Glad you liked it. I see your point about the mutants with bloated heads. I can see how that conjures up a strange mental image. I need some visually obvious deformation so the transition to normal Eddie doesn't go unnoticed.

Quoted from ReaperCreeper I'm worried if this should turn into a feature. It just seems so good like it is now. But if you're planning on extending it, you should probably start with a bang and end with a bang.

Start with a bang, end with an earthquake!

Yeah, you're right. The original idea was to start the story with a group of five or six survivors barricaded in a room amid the carnage, then let the story of how they got there develop through flashbacks. I'm not sure if this is the way I'll go just yet, but that was the original idea.

Thanks for reading.

Martin,

First off, congrats on the second place win with this.  

Second, I too would like to see a feature come out of this.

A suggestion... Instead of being homeless, maybe they all worked for the same firm, won some kind of trip from their boss who is the one making these pills, testing them without their knowledge... ?????

Anyway, another one of your finest.

Cindy

I think you should not add that many characters, at least not in one barricaded room. You stated in your script that there were others who were still on their side, and it might be cool to see them make their appeareance, but the scene in this short is pure perfection, aside from the overlong V.O.

Think of it this way--if you have five characters locked in a room, the audience gets the impression that there are others alive and that they actually stand a chance, and thus your dreadful (in a good way )atmosphere is destroyed.

I say, have the main characters be together only in some parts of the script, but for the most part have them isolated from one another.

I will say it again....Great Work! Excellent stuff.

--Julio

Thanks, Cindy, and Julio.

I'm still torn on the homeless angle. I understand that these people may not make the best medical test subjects due to poor health etc but these are not physical tests, they are psychological. And, yes, I understand that homeless folks may not be in the best mental health either but that may be part of the reason they're chosen for testing in the first place. I'm still figuring out the details.

Anyway, thanks for the reads, and the food for thought. It looks like this one may end up getting produced on a shoestring budget by an indie filmmaker in Ontario. He seems keen to get the project off the ground fairly quickly but these things often come to nothing so we'll have to wait and see.

Matin

Great short. You did a wonderful job catching my attention and pulling me into this script. I will go participate in the 5 pagers soon.

If I had a spoiler it might be that this didn't grab me as extremely unique. Seemed like something done betore. Needs a really hair, new, twist.

Spencer

Martin,

For what you have here and the restrictions placed upon you by the "contest," I think you did a masterful job.

The VO was aptly used. How else could you pack so much story into 5 pages?  
The VO works for me because the speaker has stepped away from the visual chaos to ascertain how things got so screwed up. Cole speaks to us [seemingly] from a point of reason and logic.

And of course, the VO is vital to this story because Shannon is a passive character, either not there at all mentally or severely traumatized.

There is perhaps a bit too much VO, so cutting back and replacing with more action might be considered.

I think I could buy the homeless situation if not all the subjects were homeless.

**Spoilers **

Mr.Z makes a point about the action slowing down at a certain point. If you remove the VOs and just look at the action, I too think you can energize the scenes once Cole and Shannon take refuge in the room.

I think Mike also mentioned something about the drugs used and the effects on the mind…  Was there a scene early on that touches upon Cole’s state of mind? Something distorted that we might briefly question, then think nothing of until we reach the end??  You know, some (drug-induced) inconsistencies in his story  -- before we get to Eddie.

Speaking of Eddie, I’m a little bothered by this character and not just his motives for bursting into the room, but because Cole knows so much about him. Would he know that much about a “stranger” who isn’t even in his group?
Especially in Cole's drug-addled state?
I would have preferred that Eddie be part of the same group and that Cole only realizes this after killing him.  He might say he didnt' recognize Eddie and reasons that normal people can be and are being  “infected by the mutants."

Maybe Cole should have a head injury.  Then you could distort things more from his perspective without being too obvious.

You mention that after Cole shoots Eddie, he drags the body back into the room.  Make it clear that Eddie was blown out of the room and died in the hallway. Then Cole drags the body into the room -- presumably to not give away their hiding place.  Or maybe just skip the moving of the body scene altogether.

Once Cole realizes the truth, he might even see Shannon for what she is, just as he did with Eddie’s body.  If you want to justify Cole killing her, let us see Shannon in her hideous state before the Gun Blasts.

Cole's finding the Clinical File could be more organic to the story.

It seems to me the file cabinet would have tipped over when Eddie bulldozed his way into the room.
If so, Cole would later have to lift the cabinet upright to again barracade the door.
In doing this, he might see the files spilled on the floor.  And that's when he sees the Clinical Trials file.

As for expanding this to a feature, there are possibilities.
Maybe instead of Cole taking a defensive stance, he will go on the offensive.
He picks off his enemies as they come.
Much the way you would expect from a drug-charged monster.
He has got to be Stronger than his foes, right?
He might be able to take 3 or 4 at a time. If Cole is a big guy, maybe athletic in build, we could buy his ability to vanquish a small group of enemies.
Maybe have other survivors (mutants), working as a network with Cole and Shannon. As the story progresses, the other survivors will die.
Drop the VO.  Make Shannon a more active character.  
And give them a plan.
Perhaps there is an antidote in the lab which can control the mutants.

Regardless of what you do, this short was quite excellent.

Abe

Hey martin, congrats for the second place on Moviepoet Contest "Voices in my head"! Keep writing stuffs like that, dude!

Bleh, I just read the "Voices in my head" winner. Quite decent but Placebo should have kicked its ass.

This is an interesting script.

The back story was filled in nicely and the climax was satisfying.  

The thing that stood out for me, the most, was your economic writing style. I thought the story flowed nicely and the voice over was tighter than a ducks ass, yet, sounded natural; this made it an enjoyable and easy read.

IMO this doesn't need to be fleshed out to feature length (as some have mentioned) because it works well as a short. Of course, if you had a rock solid build up that was worthy of this climax, then it would be worth a try.

Thanks to everyone for your reviews. Sorry it's taken me so long to respond but I was away all weekend and I've been slammed at work ever since I got back.

Spencer, thanks for reading. I realize it's not really a unique conscept but I've tried to pt a fresh spin on it. If I make a feature this one I'll be wary of falling into cliche territory.

Abe, thanks for the thorough critique.

Quoted Text Speaking of Eddie, I’m a little bothered by this character and not just his motives for bursting into the room, but because Cole knows so much about him. Would he know that much about a “stranger” who isn’t even in his group?

Good point, a definite plot hole. My original idea was that these guys had spent time together before they were confined to seperate wings. I kind of abandoned that concept for brevity's sake. Cole's knowledge of Eddie doesn't make sense now, I'll work on fixing that.

Quoted Text "Once Cole realizes the truth, he might even see Shannon for what she is, just as he did with Eddie’s body.  If you want to justify Cole killing her, let us see Shannon in her hideous state before the Gun Blasts.

Maybe I need to make this clearer in the script. There are no mutants, the effects of the drug are purely psychological. Cole is only imagining Eddie as a mutant. In the end he and Shannon aren't mutants, they're just hallucinating.

Quoted Text Cole's finding the Clinical File could be more organic to the story.

I thought about killing two birds with one stone and having Eddie actually burst into the room carrying the clinical file. So we later realize he was trying to show them that they were not the control group. This needs a bit more thought.

Helio, thanks!

Mr. Z, thanks but I honestly thought the script that won was awesome and deserved to win. Ironically, my glowing review may have tipped the balance in its favour.

Chris, thanks. It took me a while to chisel down the voice over to the bare essentials I needed for the story to work. I only had 5 pages so this was a real challenge.

Yo Martin. Great to read something new from you, You're one of the best writers on this site so it is always great to put something up.

I did like this one, not as much as your previous stuff, but I can see how this could be turned into a feature.

I would have liked to have seen the stuff Cole was talking about rather than just him explaining it because it sounded like there was some c0ol stuff going on, how the mutation started and whatnot.

but for 6 pages it works well, your writing style is excellent and is always easy to read.

Good work.

Just cracked this open to post an update on the production status of Placebo.

Flyboy, I must've missed your review. Thanks for the read. Good point about the lack of visual action, this will be addressed with a couple of flashbacks in the actual film. It's being produced by an indie filmmaker in Canada. He's already shot the intro sequence but he's still trying to confirm a location for the full shoot. I'll keep you all updated.

In other news, my thirty minute comedy Accidents Happen finally begins shooting today. The script has changed quite a bit since it was posted here but I think it's for the better. The production values are high for a short, the budget is around $16000. There's an experienced, professional crew working on the shoot and all the actors are SAG members. For more information you can check out http://www.zaccheofilms.com

There's also an Accidents Happen feature in the works. We're hoping to gain investment on the strength of the short.

Wow, congrats there, Martin. That's great news. $16000? That's a fortune! Anyway, I hope it turns out great.

You deserve it.