Thanks for the reads, Seth and sniper.

Sniper,

I can definitely agree that the slapstick is the least strong in my script. It's also the least personal as far as humor goes. I figure my taste in humor isn't going to get to everyone (obviously, it didn't get to you) so I tried to use the slapstick as a middle ground. It's kind of a classic and a good amount of people seem to think it's funny. The eggs didn't work out too great though. The A.C. didn't either, I guess, although that and the corn starch down the pants are both based on restaurant truths I got from my sister, who worked at a restaraunt for more than a year and was full of dirt. Still, I can see where you're coming from.

As for the script being more dirtier, I enjoy dialogue-driven comedy (e.g. Clerks, Bad Santa) more than I do gross-out. Dialogue is hard but just about anyone can befoul a cake mix with some undesirable bodily-fluid. As far as I'm concerned, no one can top Tomcats' cancerous testicle scene or Van Wilder's chocolate eclairs with the bull dog's secret ingredient. If you've seen the movies, you know what I'm talking about (I'm trying not to spoil it for anyone who hasn't). I figured why bother trying to top those gags? You can't, really. I do suppose the title is a little misleading though.

Ultimately, humor is subjective and this obviously wasn't your thing. No big deal. As far is the moral is concerned, however, Michael (mcornetto) mentioned some people will miss the point of the script. I think the "don't judge a cookbook by its cover" theme is totally in line.

Anyway, thanks again for the review.

James,

I totally get what you're saying. I think Dan O'bannon said it best (when he moved from Dark Star to Alien): "Everybody laughs at different things - but we're all scared of the same".


Cheers
Rob

James,

I was waiting for you to post this over at NYCMM , but I guess things are slowing down there now.

I have a feeling a lot of the jokes were lost on me. My mind is squeaky clean and conservative. Some of the jokes already mentioned I missed. I'm sorry. Not your fault.

It was nice to see you using more dialogue this time. You tend to be heavy on action sometimes.

The dialogue was pretty good actually (even if I didn't get some of the jokes).

I think the beginning scene at the prison was not necessary. I know it was a "gag", but if you think about it, I don't think it sets up anything. Story or C-Ring. I think you could have started at the bakery right away.

The banter between the two was good and carried this script, but it wasn't strong on story.

I still say you did a good job and it was nice to see you using more dialogue than normal. I also think it was a good effort for the contest. Of all the heat assignments, comedy would have been my least favorite, after mockumentary of course.

Good Luck James.

Haha. I waited for Pia to review this before I posted. I was too embarrassed to be the first female to review it. I don’t know why -- haha.

Seriously, it was a fun read.

I agree with Pia on everything she said.

The only thing I can say is that the egg thing did bother me at first. I read your response and you’re right. It did strike me as kind of out of place though. Actually, the response afterward is what really struck me as the most odd. I would think someone would take it more personally if someone smashed an egg on his forehead. Maybe it was the lack of anger that made it seem inconsistent.

But then this is a slapstick sort of comedy. It maybe could be set up as such better prior to the egg on the head. Maybe that would help.


It was fun the read, although I felt kind of dirty afterward -- haha.


Breanne

Thanks for the reads, Pia and Breanne.

I agree with both of you about the respective gags you pointed out. The opening doesn't include much information about C-Ring or the story. I just thought it'd be a good grabber. Someone being released from prison has got to grab some people. Still, it is a tad unneccesary and the humor isn't exactly in sync with the rest of the script.

Which brings me to the eggs. I may have mispoke in my previous post, Breanne. This wasn't exactly meant to be slapstick. I just threw some in there as "safe comedy." It doesn't take much to get "slapstick." Jokes about Brazillian bikini waxes and sex acts named after aquatic mammels are likely to go over a few heads (sorry if you didn't get some of them, Pia). I do agree that the lack of anger in the egg scene is a bit off. Oh well. I'd say that particular gag is the script's weakest.

I'm glad you liked that the script had more dialogue, Pia. I'm surprised you thought most of my others have more action. I love writing dialogue so I had a good time writing this one.

Thanks again for the reads.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson It was fun the read, although I felt kind of dirty afterward -- haha.

I must have missed a lot of jokes, I didn't feel dirty at all...