Wow. You liked it but found the ending particularly unsatisfying. Now there's a comment you won't read in many reviews.

You're spot on with your interpretation of the ending. Jeremie is stuck in limbo because he won't let go.

It doesn't surprise me that you didn't feel much for the character. It's pretty hard to warm to a non speaking character who you've only known for three pages.

I agree with what you said about it making a good visual piece. As I said in an earlier post, a budding cinematographer could use this to make an interesting show reel.

Thanks for the review.

Hey Chris, this was a pretty interesting short, one with no dialogue, and I thought that it worked, which can be hard to do, but there were a lot of visuals that kept it moving.

I'm Guessing that Jeremie is in purgatory or something, at least that what it seemed like to me, or maybe hell I guess, it had kind of a twilight zone kinda feel to it.

I did see the end coming though, I knew once at the funeral service that it was going to be his body in the coffin.

Seemed like a couple times you didn't put a space after your periods like page 2

"He sees himself standing in the middle of the group wearing
a navy blue suit.He frowns as he......."

anyways this was a pretty Good and it had a creepy vibe to it.

The others seem to have covered most of the technical errors and such so...

This was an interesting read though I won't say good or bad. I think it suffers, as most scripts like this do, from being short. You have to use the space you have wisely if you want to construct a coherent story, which is also short. I was able to predict the ending. You use a lot of conventions that would suggest Jeremie is dead. But I don't understand what he's doing in a mansion or what the deal is with the light and the muzak and such. I don't understand the point of the elevator either considering Jeremie doesn't even take it to its destination.

Overall, too many questions and not enough answers. The atmosphere you've created is interesting but you need more. I'd recommend expanding upon this.

Quoted from The boy who could fly I did see the end coming though, I knew once at the funeral service that it was going to be his body in the coffin.

Sure it's fairly predictable that Jeremie's body is in the coffin, but that's not really the twist. The twist is that the scenario is a reoccurring one.
  

Quoted from James McClung You use a lot of conventions that would suggest Jeremie is dead. But I don't understand what he's doing in a mansion or what the deal is with the light and the muzak and such. I don't understand the point of the elevator either considering Jeremie doesn't even take it to its destination. Overall, too many questions and not enough answers. The atmosphere you've created is interesting but you need more. I'd recommend expanding upon this.

He left the elevator because the light went out and the Muzak stopped, which scared him.

The light and the Muzak, at the end of the hall, symbolized consciousness/life which was what Jeremie was trying to hold on to or go back to, but all that was left for him  was the realization that his mortal life was over. If I discovered my own dead body, I’d be happy because it would mean that awareness (life) continued after physical death. So perhaps it’s not ceasing to exist that he fears but just change and facing the unknown.  

Regarding the mansion; Jeremie was in a realm he couldn’t comprehend, so his mind molded it into a realm that wasn’t as alien to him as purgatory. So he chose to see a mansion, perhaps somebody else would’ve seen a forest.        

As for all the unanswered questions, I don't mind leaving people with something to speculate over, but I'll also consider what I can do to expand on the story.

Thanks guys.  

                  

Hey!

This was a very good and creepy short! I commend you ability to write this purely through action. I think your descriptions were great and imo this makes up for the absent dialogue or characterization, your descriptions kept the story moving along very well! good job there!

"Elevator muzak begins to play from somewhere in the mansion"

I was once told that the use of "begins" in a script makes it feel rugged, and that person was probably right! Instead of "begins to play" just put "Elevator muzak plays from somewhere in the house" Thats Not major though and i may well be wrong, but thats just what i would do lol. Anyway, just thought i'd throw my two cents in!

Again, very good and creepy short! Good luck with future writing!!

Quoted from Bates I was once told that the use of "begins" in a script makes it feel rugged, and that person was probably right! Instead of "begins to play" just put "Elevator muzak plays from somewhere in the house" Thats Not major though and i may well be wrong, but thats just what i would do lol. Anyway, just thought i'd throw my two cents in!

You're right, Bates. I thought about this when I was writing the script, but decided not to worry about it. I'll fix it up when I write the next draft.

Thanks for the review.

Hi Chris,

Read through this one today. I'm not sure what to say. It wasn't bad, but I can't say I totally understood it either.

I've read through the comments here and I guess I saw this a little differently than most of the others. I kind of saw this as a horror "Groundhog Day". Maybe I'm weird.  

I thought the elevator was a symbol of going either up (heaven) or down (hell) thing and that Jeremie got spooked because the lights and muzak ended when the doors shut, he thought the elevator would go down rather than up.

The mourners were creepy, but I saw Jeremie in the coffin coming a mile away.

I agree with Sniper that you could trim some of your descriptions to make it a faster read.

Anyway, this was interesting, even if I didn't really get it.

Pia

Quoted from tomson I thought the elevator was a symbol of going either up (heaven) or down (hell) thing and that Jeremie got spooked because the lights and muzak ended when the doors shut, he thought the elevator would go down rather than up. The mourners were creepy, but I saw Jeremie in the coffin coming a mile away. Pia

Thanks for the read, Pia. You're pretty much on the money with the elevator scene. Only I think Jeremie was frightened because he was afraid of the unknown, not going to hell. However, it's definitely wide open to interpretation.

I thought the mourners were creepy too. I've always found missing eyes on corpses and photos particularly scary, so I wanted throw that in. As for Jeremie being in the coffin, it wasn't my intention for it to be the major surprise, the surprise was that it was a reoccurring situation.

I'll definitely take some suggestions on board and rewrite this at some stage.

Thanks       

I like the idea of doing a pure visual piece. It's something i want to do, but never have time to.

The only problem with a visual only piece is that it can come off as a short story.
Especially when you're wordy in your details. But as for the story, i enjoyed it. Seemed like a dream i had.

Chomico,

It seems the general consensus is that it's a bit wordy. I'll see what I can do to tighten it up.

Thanks for the read.